maskormenacelogs | I can move mountains, I can work a miracle [OPEN]

[after the jungle had receded, there was really only one person Hazel wanted to see. but she'd behaved and kept herself busy for the entire day of the sixth, personally circling the entirety of the city to make sure there weren't any wayward runes or totems or whatever shit style of magic Pan had been using left around.

everyone else was bound to be physically exhausted, so this was the least she could do - and with the Doctor waiting for her at Heropa 11, even Hazel can't deny that she was looking for reasons to stay out. in the end, it was probably better like that; Tetsuo had been through enough as it was, he didn't need to deal with her foisting herself on him before she's ordered her head a little. there was an awful lot in there that needed to be pushed back.

but a single day is really all that she can give herself, selfish bitch that she is. slipping into Nonah 5 is almost second nature, as is the paranoid glance around the house she gives after stepping through the doorway. she's not really sure how many encounters she's got the energy for today, and there's only one that really matters in her mind.

Hazel doesn't need to search around to know where to find him, and the closed bedroom door is a sure sign that her hunch was right. she knocks on it just once, a single solid rap that leaves her fist pressed up against the door long after the sound has receded.]

Hey, shitbag. We gonna play nice today?

[familiar words, but there's definitely no teasing spark in them today. Hazel just wants to announce herself in a way he'll recognize, fall back into something she knows to keep herself in line.]

[At the knock, Tetsuo sets down the communicator, paused on Pan's latest broadcast, and sits hunched on the bed, a very familiar red leather biking jacket slung over his hunched shoulders. Tetsuo's always been short, but he looks very small, emphasized by his posture; he's not even bothered to put his arms through the sleeves. He hunches over a little farther.

Hazel.

One of the first people he met here. One of his closest acquaintances. He'd trusted Hazel with what was probably his life how many times? Every time he got her to do that ... that thing she did, his powers went away. She'd never done it without his consent. Not once. She'd never said a word...that he knew about. Even when she'd decided to make his life a living damn hell, there was that underlying understanding. But... was there, really? Did he really know anyone at all?

There's nothing now she can do to him that hasn't already happened, but that knowledge does nothing to stem the painful twist of his stomach, or the fear crawling up through his chest. Trust was hard to come by, and when he thought about it... there was no reason, whatsoever, for anyone to associate with him. Not like this. He had no discerning qualities someone else couldn't do better. He wasn't strong. He wasn't all that fast. When he fought, he was at his best when working to get even with someone who already hurt him, not to keep himself safe.

Now, thanks to that broadcast, everyone knew just how weak and useless he really was. When he speaks up, there's none of the arrogant bluster or anger, no ego or false confidence. It's soft and heavy with raw pain; he sounds like he's either been crying or is about to start. Maybe both.]

What do you want?

[Because, in the end... everyone had to want something. He'd been so, so stupid to think otherwise.]

[it's not a surprise to hear him like that, but expectations don't do anything to stop Hazel's chest from seizing up. she knows that emotions behind that tone because they've walked alongside her nearly every day for a year. it's exactly what she never wanted someone else, let alone a friend, to feel. just another fuckup to toss onto the pile.

there's a big part of her that wants to see if the door's locked, or if she can muscle her way in if it is, but she refrains. even like this, she refrains from violating his privacy. it's a lot harder than their usual encounters, but Hazel knows she can do it. she kept herself from nulling while being killed, didn't she? this was nothing.]

I want to see you with a pulse again.

[what the hell did he think she was here for? but, again, this isn't a typical visit. things had shifted without either of theirs consent, and now she had to navigate this new terrain. maybe she should have waited a little longer to come here.

there's a wobble in her reply that betrays her own emotions, even as she speaks it to an unfeeling door. it's not enough to just know he was here and alive again - she had to see it with her own eyes, had to replace that last memory of him with one that wasn't a fucking corpse. she had to make sure that while he wasn't ok now, he would be eventually.]

[He can't open the door from a distance, and he doesn't really want to get up to do that. It's just one more surrender. Saying no would do.. what, exactly? He's not up for an argument. She'll do whatever she wants to. She always has.]

Fine.

[he doesn't need to tell her twice. the resignation is barely past his lips and Hazel's pulling the door open, motion swift but restrained. she can hide herself. she's done that all of her unlife, she can do it for something like this.

the damage this week has done to Tetsuo is immediately apparently whereas Hazel looks...about the same. almost the same, anyway. her bangs hide them pretty well, but the three angry gashes on her head are too huge to completely obscure. even sewn up as they are it's the sort of wound that would have a normal person dead or at least incapacitated, but they don't seem to slow Hazel down at all as she closes the distance between herself and the bed.

this is where her plan ends. she'd wanted to see Tetsuo so badly, and now she's standing here with him in her sights and absolutely no idea what it was she should say. everything sticks in her throat, piling up to create some kind of impassable lump that she can't just swallow away. what a terrible time to have regained her ability to cry.

and the only thing she can think, the one overriding thought that manages to beat through her emotional wipeout, is he's still here.]

Fucking hell, man.

[and with that strangled obscenity she drops quietly onto her knees beside the bed. for all her endless well of stamina, standing upright suddenly feels like an insurmountable task.]

[The only sign of life Hazel gets out of him is his head turning warily to watch her as she moves forward. That well of energy he'd been drawing from fails him now; he doesn't even edge away until she's almost on top of him. He should move. He should care she's right there; the sting of betrayal makes his shoulders twinge with remembered pain. He doesn't.

As she falls to her knees, he lets his head slide back to stare at the bedspread so she can only see the edges of his face in profile, eyes half open. But he's physically alive, if emotionally close to dead. His chest moves with every shaky breath he takes. Now and then, he blinks.

Hazel has always seemed weird, with lines permanently crisscrossing her body like stitches on a rag doll that she had no good explanation for. A long time ago, she said something about an accident.. Tetsuo couldn't make himself pursue after that. His own accident saw to that.

Now, she looks even worse somehow, but Tetsuo's gotten used to Kaneda's inability to feel almost anything he - anything that happened to him. That may have killed a normal person, but Hazel wasn't normal. None of them were.

Except him; the resonator is off his left wrist. There's no use for something that cancels pain if there's no powers to cause it.

They stay that way for a while, quietly, painfully existing in each other's proximity.]

[she's glad for the silence, in some strange way. it means that there's nothing to stop her from listening to Tetsuo's shaky breathing, not even her own. the quiet stretches out longer than any whole person would be able to bear, and Hazel just drinks in that glorious sign of life.

there's a lot she could talk about now, she reflects. Hazel has gone through this not once but twice now and knows a lot of the things that must be eating at him right now. but she can't open herself up that far - not so close to when she's lost Josuke (and she knows he's gone even if she'd determined to wait until the eighth for him to contact her, knows she's finally pushed him too far).

it wouldn't do him any good anyway. all Hazel was really skilled at was ruination.

but she does speak eventually, shifting just a little so that she's got a better look at that little sliver of his face. Hazel can't be honest about her past, but she's too tired to completely shield her own feelings. the words slip out, trampling over whatever it was she'd actually wanted to say.]

...thank you.

[That gets more of a reaction out of him. His head raises up, then turns to actually face her. You'd think there was no such equivalent in the Japanese language for the way he's looking at her, confused and incredibly uncertain. He'd expect any kind of replies, or followups.. except a simple expression of gratitude at- what, exactly?

He ... he didn't do anything. He just died. The fact she's grateful just to see him alive and moving doesn't even cross his mind.]

What...?

Thank you.

[she says it again, louder, because now that it's out she refuses to be ashamed of this one. Tetsuo was her friend, and in Hazel's world when she lost one of those that was the definitive end of things.

her relationships were all destined to meet that sad end; for a time she'd thought that perhaps she was wrong, but this week in Pan's playground had stomped that budding hope neatly. still...it wasn't time to let go of this one, not yet. so she smiles, real and sincere.]

For coming back.

[and for letting her see, but that's an utterance she's still too shy to let out even as she is now. it trended a little too close to a mistake on Tetsuo's part.]

[Vague, half-hearted attempt at a shrug. Whatever.]

It just happened. I didn't do anything.

[Story of his life. Right there. Even when he DOES get to do stuff, it didn't really mean anything in the end.]

Bullshit. I know what this looks like when someone doesn't have a choice, and it's not you right now.

[it's not even her this time - or at least it wasn't when her second death had been fresh and relevant. in the aftermath Hazel isn't too sure of herself, but it's an insecurity that doesn't even cross her mind; this is about Tetsuo - and she didn't allow herself to think on matters like that anyway.]

...

[There's nothing he's got to say to that. He... didn't. Coming back was honestly something he forgot was possible at the time; there wasn't a choice involved.]

[she exhales lightly and shakes her head. this is something that she can't really explain without getting intensely personal, and Hazel just can't do that. she's been pushed back too far into her old habits, whether she realizes it or not.]

You'll get it after a while.

[only a few weeks ago she'd have probably tacked on a trust me to that statement, but right now Hazel is feeling even less trustworthy than usual. she'd managed to just barely keep all her promises, but the price was nigh unbearable. who could ever rely on her for anything in good conscience when she struggled with such simple things?]

...anyway. [she shifts a little, pulling herself around a bit so she's sitting cross-legged rather than on her knees. a little more permanent, a little less penitent.] Did they ever give you that Christmas gift from me?

Hunh?

[He's got a pile of stuff in the corner he hasn't touched; everything anyone gave him while he was out. No one pointed out it was from him, and he hasn't even had the energy to care enough to investigate it yet; Tetsuo'd just assumed they left the room as a store room or something.

It was just assigned to him. It wasn't like it was his or anything.

So... yes, and no.]

The - ah, it doesn't matter.

[she flops a hand at him dismissively, choosing not to press the issue. the answer's good enough for her to assume that nobody's been pressing their gross little not-the-recipient hands all over it, and that's really all she wanted to know.]

If it's around I'll find it. Should keep us busy...or me, at least.

['What is it', he starts to say. He doesn't get farther than starting to mouth the first syllable before he looks away and down again, letting the sentence die.

It's probably something he doesn't even want to have to deal with like another unicorn bomb. She would do that.]

[it's not hard to piece together what the rest of that would've been. but it's also pretty easy to know that pointing it out would be stupid, so instead Hazel just keeps talking like she had no idea that mumbling was supposed to be a word.]

Those preset high scores are always bullshit, so it's probably better that I'm gonna clock in something that's an actual challenge. It's a better distraction like that.

[and that'll be important for when he's mentally repaired himself enough to give a shit about anything but wallowing. half the time distractions are the only way Hazel keeps herself in one piece.]

[More mumbling; some of it's loud enough to get picked up by the translator. Something about not wanting to deal with the arcade; it sounds like he's only halfway paying attention to what she's saying.

In truth, he's got a game system handheld Minato gave him, but that's not got anything two player he knows about and he hasn't even touched it since Pan... since the 2nd.]

You're really dedicated to the idea of me pushing around a gaming cabinet, aren't you.

[they're both in the midst of depression and self-hatred, but Hazel can't help remarking on that one. it's a bit impressive that he's held onto that assumption after all this bullshit.]

...it's just a console and some games. Figured it was easier than lugging my shit up here all the time.

[it is a new console and quite a lot of games, but Hazel is a professional at underselling herself.]

[There's no followup mumbling or comments, but he's watching her pretty closely. She's got his full, undivided attention. There's... what?]

What? That shit's a lot heavier than it looks!

[look, no one's perfect. Hazel's made the wrong conclusion on which bit of her reply has garnered his attention and assumed he was a little thrown off at her trying to make this situation even the slightest bit lighter.]

And this one's fucking new, I probably won't even have to fight with the tv cables when we plug it in.

[You know what's helpful? Still staring at her like that without saying a word, like she grew a second head or turned out to be undead all along or something. Maybe his brain's still warming up after the hard reset.]

[her shoulders hike up defensively. the longer he doesn't say anything but also doesn't go back to staring dully at nothing, the more Hazel assumes she's gone and done something wrong. this was why she didn't put her name on that gift in the first place!]

Look, you don't have to keep it. Fucking sell it online or something if you want, I don't give a shit.

You're saying...you got me a game system...?

[His voice hasn't regained any volume, barely above a whisper, but it's a complete sentence. He sounds like he can't believe anyone would do something like that; he holds no more illusions about whether or not he should get anything other than a long line of people waiting to kill or hurt him. At least that he can understand.]

It's your own fault for not having one already.

[even though she's still not entirely certain she's out of the woods yet, there's no bite in her words. Hazel may be aping her usual teasing to keep herself on track, but she's very firm in her confirmation. yes, she got him something large and nice. and he can get rid of it if he wants but no, she will not take it back. it wasn't a mistake.]

jan 7

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