maskormenacelogs | I can move mountains, I can work a miracle [OPEN]

Entry tags:

I can move mountains, I can work a miracle [OPEN]

WHO: The residents of Nonah 05 + YOU!
WHERE: Nonah, Residence #005
WHEN: All month long (January)
WHAT: Nonah 05 open log for January Shenanigans
WARNINGS: Obligatory Bull and Tetsuo warnings apply.

Starters will be appearing in the comments. If you want something specific from any one person (Kaneda

rassera, Tetsuo

iamtetsuo, Bull

rideme and Ken

amadaman), feel free to drop them a line and ask! Otherwise, feel free to add your own starters for the whole household or individual residents as you like.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[she exhales lightly and shakes her head. this is something that she can't really explain without getting intensely personal, and Hazel just can't do that. she's been pushed back too far into her old habits, whether she realizes it or not.]

You'll get it after a while.

[only a few weeks ago she'd have probably tacked on a trust me to that statement, but right now Hazel is feeling even less trustworthy than usual. she'd managed to just barely keep all her promises, but the price was nigh unbearable. who could ever rely on her for anything in good conscience when she struggled with such simple things?]

...anyway. [she shifts a little, pulling herself around a bit so she's sitting cross-legged rather than on her knees. a little more permanent, a little less penitent.] Did they ever give you that Christmas gift from me?

Hunh?

[He's got a pile of stuff in the corner he hasn't touched; everything anyone gave him while he was out. No one pointed out it was from him, and he hasn't even had the energy to care enough to investigate it yet; Tetsuo'd just assumed they left the room as a store room or something.

It was just assigned to him. It wasn't like it was his or anything.

So... yes, and no.]

The - ah, it doesn't matter.

[she flops a hand at him dismissively, choosing not to press the issue. the answer's good enough for her to assume that nobody's been pressing their gross little not-the-recipient hands all over it, and that's really all she wanted to know.]

If it's around I'll find it. Should keep us busy...or me, at least.

['What is it', he starts to say. He doesn't get farther than starting to mouth the first syllable before he looks away and down again, letting the sentence die.

It's probably something he doesn't even want to have to deal with like another unicorn bomb. She would do that.]

[it's not hard to piece together what the rest of that would've been. but it's also pretty easy to know that pointing it out would be stupid, so instead Hazel just keeps talking like she had no idea that mumbling was supposed to be a word.]

Those preset high scores are always bullshit, so it's probably better that I'm gonna clock in something that's an actual challenge. It's a better distraction like that.

[and that'll be important for when he's mentally repaired himself enough to give a shit about anything but wallowing. half the time distractions are the only way Hazel keeps herself in one piece.]

[More mumbling; some of it's loud enough to get picked up by the translator. Something about not wanting to deal with the arcade; it sounds like he's only halfway paying attention to what she's saying.

In truth, he's got a game system handheld Minato gave him, but that's not got anything two player he knows about and he hasn't even touched it since Pan... since the 2nd.]

You're really dedicated to the idea of me pushing around a gaming cabinet, aren't you.

[they're both in the midst of depression and self-hatred, but Hazel can't help remarking on that one. it's a bit impressive that he's held onto that assumption after all this bullshit.]

...it's just a console and some games. Figured it was easier than lugging my shit up here all the time.

[it is a new console and quite a lot of games, but Hazel is a professional at underselling herself.]

[There's no followup mumbling or comments, but he's watching her pretty closely. She's got his full, undivided attention. There's... what?]

What? That shit's a lot heavier than it looks!

[look, no one's perfect. Hazel's made the wrong conclusion on which bit of her reply has garnered his attention and assumed he was a little thrown off at her trying to make this situation even the slightest bit lighter.]

And this one's fucking new, I probably won't even have to fight with the tv cables when we plug it in.

[You know what's helpful? Still staring at her like that without saying a word, like she grew a second head or turned out to be undead all along or something. Maybe his brain's still warming up after the hard reset.]

[her shoulders hike up defensively. the longer he doesn't say anything but also doesn't go back to staring dully at nothing, the more Hazel assumes she's gone and done something wrong. this was why she didn't put her name on that gift in the first place!]

Look, you don't have to keep it. Fucking sell it online or something if you want, I don't give a shit.

You're saying...you got me a game system...?

[His voice hasn't regained any volume, barely above a whisper, but it's a complete sentence. He sounds like he can't believe anyone would do something like that; he holds no more illusions about whether or not he should get anything other than a long line of people waiting to kill or hurt him. At least that he can understand.]

It's your own fault for not having one already.

[even though she's still not entirely certain she's out of the woods yet, there's no bite in her words. Hazel may be aping her usual teasing to keep herself on track, but she's very firm in her confirmation. yes, she got him something large and nice. and he can get rid of it if he wants but no, she will not take it back. it wasn't a mistake.]

What do you want me to do?

[Kaneda even TOLD him as much way back in the beginning, not that he wanted to listen. Because nobody would want to give him stuff without wanting something in return, apparently. Like a heart.

There's no rejection there, nothing but that same quiet disbelief in an increasingly unsteady sounding voice.]

I...

[no, she doesn't actually have an answer. Hazel is feeling herself floating further and further adrift from anything that she has even remote experience with, and it shows clear on her face.

she must have said something wrong, but she can't figure out what. Hazel tucks some strands of hair behind her ear to distract herself, ignoring the way her fingers brush against one of the newer gashes up there.]

Like, right now, or..? You're not making any fucking sense.

...why are you being nice to me?

[Something that maybe, he should have asked a long time ago. All of the pain - recent and prolonged ruining - that Pan's inflicted on him finally reached the tipping point where he has to know.

But what's the point of asking? it's not like people can't lie.]

Because someone shoved their hand through your fucking chest, I didn't really think I needed an explanation.

[she still doesn't understand because she doesn't really think she's been nice to Tetsuo. he's her friend, absolutely, she can't deny that even in her own mind anymore. but Hazel has never considered herself a good friend; she can't look back at anything they've done together and agree that it would merit a question like this.]

[Tetsuo winces at the description, looking away.]

...

[He's going somewhere with this. give him a bit.]

People don't usually give me anything. Not without a reason.

I already told you the reason - you didn't have one and I'm tired of hauling mine up here all the time.

[she shifts, and then adds with a decided weightiness to her voice:]

If you're looking for anything more than that, I don't have it. I can't want things like that anymore.

[what I want doesn't matter. that was the center of her being now, a truth that she couldn't escape no matter how hard she fought. even if Hazel had wanted to manipulate Tetsuo for some abstract goal, she couldn't - she'd been stripped of that kind of autonomy, and the thought continues to plague her actions even in this world where it couldn't quite reach her.]

Huh?

[That's enough to break him out of his mental loop. What the hell does that mean?]

What do you mean, you can't...?

[she shakes her head, redundantly waving a hand as well to banish the bad thoughts swirling around her brain.]

It's not important. That's just my shit.

Tell me.

[So many people, apparently, kept shit from him, and he's sick of it. Maybe it's not as drastic as what Pan did. Maybe it's more. It's odd how losing the ability to read someone's mind makes you far more paranoid; the option alone was something he relied on existing way more than he'd realized at the time, nevermind how infrequently he used it.]

I'm not losing anyone else this week.

[if it seems like Hazel's tired and pleading, it's because she is. she understands where this demand is coming from and respects it, but just can't be open with him like this.

maybe some day, if it becomes a requirement for keeping this friendship, but not so close to losing her boyfriend. Hazel knows that it'll probably spell the end of things, like it always does, and she can't bear that right now.]

[Anyone connected to his old life probably had every reason to hate him, and want him dead. Tetsuo never much liked himself; why would anyone else? If the person who tried the hardest, did the most to say he cared... what's that say about everyone else? It's hard to understand why, now. The more he looks back, the less reason he can find...

It just doesn't add up anymore. Hazel actually sounds upset, too, adding to all of this

Breathing out a sigh, Tetsuo hesitates. Then, very quietly...]

...You remember that bike I had? I didn't steal it or anything. Pan gave it to me.

[she'd be lying if she said that she could see where this train of thought was going (was that what he saw her gift as? was that it?) but at least this is something Hazel can grapple with without the danger of bursting into tears.

it helps that even in an emotional encounter like this, one question surfaces that she can't keep herself from asking.]

Where the hell did he get a motorcycle?

[she'd never really thought about where it came from, honestly. Tetsuo had a bike, and then his housemate got in a fight with it and suddenly he didn't. it wasn't the kind of thing to dwell on.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject