maskormenacelogs | I can move mountains, I can work a miracle [OPEN]

[Anything you want Kaneda for goes here. If you want to plan anything feel free to hit me up on plurk/PM/whatever!

If you want to meet Kaneda at Nonah 005 and you're not a resident, feel free!

NOTE: Kaneda will be participating in the Pan Plot starting Jan 02, so he'll be busy a week after that date. Everything else is a go!]

Edited 2016-01-01 21:58 (UTC)

[Anything for Tetsuo goes here; hit me up if you'd like to plan!

Tetsuo will not be leaving Nonah 05 that often once he gets back, and he'll arrive a little late to the party - he'll be unavailable for anything until Jan 03.]

Edited 2016-01-03 07:58 (UTC)

[For the most part, he's just. Around the house. Making sure everything's more or less in one piece. Because it would really suck if more shit went down after Charlie... leaving.]

[Bull IS participating in the Pan Shenanigans, and will probably be very roughed up afterward.]

[So.]

[Have at him!]

[It's midnight when the door to Nonah 05 opens, the soft creak and the bright lights from the lamps outside the only things before they're quickly followed by heavy footsteps.

Kaneda doesn't bother shutting the door. It didn't matter to him right now as he strides in, his face completely broken down as he holds something in his arms. That something...being Tetsuo.

Only unlike the August Swear-in, unlike the time Bull brought him home...

Tetsuo wasn't breathing.

And every second that passed, Kaneda wished desperately that he would. That this was all some terrible dream that he'd wake up from. That he'd find himself on the couch with Dalish on his stomach, Capsule upstairs sleeping with Maya, and that he just got a little too into one of the Samurai movies she'd recommended. But he wasn't waking up, and for every second that continued to pass, he got a little less confident.

His eyes bat back tears as he heads up the stairs, carrying Tetsuo without breaking a sweat. In a way, that was another worry--Tetsuo was lighter than he'd felt back in August. Lighter than he'd ever been...

Another failure.

His breath shudders as he gets to the top, making his way to the left door and opening it.

That was the longest walk home of his life.]

--Kaneda.

[She'd been waiting for him since the call. He'd told her to be there, and there she was, waiting upstairs for him. As he approaches the door with Tetsuo in his arms she hurries over to help him.

There's not much she can say yet, as she sees the body in his arms-- she's seen bodies before, seen her sister's body, but seeing people dead still hasn't lost its shock. Still, she does her best not to react too much, though she holds her breath and looks Tetsuo over with wide eyes. The normal questions come to mind-- is he really gone?-- but she doesn't ask them.

Of course he is. This is real.

Unsure of what else to say, she waits to be addressed, to be told how she can help.]

[He doesn't answer her at first, stopping right at the door as it opens a crack from loosening the knob. His body seemed to move almost mechanically, rigid and void of the freedom and motion that he'd become so synonymous with. But when he looks at her, his eyes are in pain, more than any physical injury could ever show.

As if one gust of wind could crumple him, no matter how strongly he stood.

But his eyes return to that door, moving a little to the side, voice thick.]

Can you--?

[The only way to get the door open is by nudging with Tetsuo. And...that didn't seem right.]

Kaneda!!

[Tetsuo bolts upright, eyes wide, staring blankly ahead before reality reasserts itself. The first thing he realizes he's seeing is his hands, shakily held up in front of his face. Something fell off of him, but he doesn't notice what it is.

Another nightmare...?! It'd seemed more real somehow...

It's not the first time he's died in his dreams, or woken up in a blind panic, trying desperately to make sure he's still intact. His hands clutch at his chest, pressed hard enough that his sternum hurts. Everything hurts, he reflexively shrugs off, that's nothing new-

Then he realizes that nothing else hurts.

That is new.

He can feel his heart pounding in his chest, where it belongs. But unlike before, when it got this bad, he can't feel it in his head. He doesn't see it drumming spots into his vision, or making the world pulse. If his hands weren't held against it, he might not believe it was there at all.

The gnawing hole in his gut was gone, like the sickness that permeates his whole body was never there; moving doesn't take any effort at all. His skin fit him again, the world didn't expand away from him into cavernous echoes of other people if he stared at a wall too long. The room feels small. Something's very wrong, but what...? There's too many questions to figure out the answers to any of them.

He stares out, disbelieving, at a very familiar room he has no place being in. He can't remember how he got here. Maybe they'll kill him if they catch him here, and just like all the other times he has no idea why he's here at all-

Then he catches sight of what he dislodged by sitting up. His hands drop from his chest, numbly picking up the jacket, bending the leather. Kaneda did find him, after all...

The jacket creases as Tetsuo's hands clench around it, his whole body shaking. No matter how much he insisted that he didn't belong to anybody, in the end... it wasn't Rick, or Kazu, or Hazel that Tetsuo called for. He gets it. Fight whoever he wants, break whatever he can - it doesn't matter at all.

The only way he could ever get out from under Kaneda's shadow is death.

Tears drip onto red leather. With a broken sob, he doubles over onto that damn emblem, clutching the jacket close and feeling the last shreds of his pride fall away, leaving dark splotches in between paint.

Back in Neo Tokyo, he dies. Kaneda doesn't. Here... how had he ever thought it could have been any different...]

[Her heart aches for him. She's never seen Kaneda look like this, or even thought it possible. But here he is, almost looking smaller than she is, and all she can do is nod and open the door.

She hurries in ahead of him to keep that door open while he carries Tetsuo in, watching after them both with worried eyes.]

[Kaneda isn't here to hear Tetsuo's call, but Maya is.

Maybe her first reaction should be to tell someone, but-- but it isn't. She'd walked away to keep Capsule calm, as he'd been whimpering outside the door in his confusion, and had kept him company in Kaneda's room. When she hears Tetsuo's voice, however, all she can think of is that he's waking up alone.

She scrambles to her feet, tripping as she gets tangled in the sheets on Kaneda's bed, and grumbles in frustration. After a moment of readjusting (with some help from Capsule standing nearby and whining) Maya untangles herself and scampers out of the room.

Then scampers back, shoos Capsule back into the room, and closes the door.

Hurrying over to Tetsuo's room (finally!) she throws open the door in a rush, not really considering how her panic could unnerve him, and--]

Tetsuo!

[...Isn't exactly the person he's probably expecting to yell that name.]

[All that pity shifts to panic in an instant. He jumps a foot, scrambling backwards until he hits the headboard, one arm still latched around the jacket, the other tense on the blanket beside him. Wide, tear-stained eyes stare back at her as Tetsuo tries to edge even further back, not even trying to throw her out or yell.

Something's really wrong - it's like that same powerless feeling when his heart was-. Whatever it is, it's eating away at the back of his mind, adding more fear to his sudden panic. Nothing happens - was he expecting something to?? Who is-?! What?! What is going on?.]

Oh-- no, nonono--

[In an instant she realises she's scared him, and she freezes up-- drawing her hands in to her chest and straightening up in her surprise.]

It's okay-- it's okay! I promise, everything's gonna be okay.

[How do you reassure someone who doesn't know you that-- that things are going to be fine? He woke up here alone without anyone he knows good job Kaneda why did you UG H of course it's because everyone who knows Tetsuo's got it out for Pan now but---]

You're safe now.

[She has to try on her own.]

[He looks grateful, as grateful as he can be with that face as he walks in, his foot hitting a squeaky floorboard right at the entrance.

He stops cold. Eyes staring straight at the wall behind Tetsuo's bed, hands trembling and eyes fighting back bitter tears. The pain in his stomach, the nausea was too much by now. Everything hurt, even crying hurt.

This was when he'd bought Tetsuo udon, watching him snatch it from his hands without so much as a thank you. This was when he'd stormed in, found a horde of stuffed unicorns in his closet, courtesy of Hazel. This is when he'd opened the door, only to find that Tetsuo had torn apart his communicator after one weird miscommunication. All those times...he never thought one day that carrying in Tetsuo's lifeless body would be added to that list.

All because of that damn squeaky floorboard...

It takes every ounce of strength in him to keep walking, towards the side of Tetsuo's bed as he bends his knees, praying they don't buckle from the sheer exhaustion.

Slowly sliding Tetsuo onto the bed the way he had after the August Swear-In.

Why was everything so similar? Why was it so DIFFERENT?

He didn't know. He didn't know a lot of things.

All he DID know was that he didn't make it in time. That the reason Tetsuo lies in this bed without air in his lungs is because of him.

You called for me, didn't you? And I heard you.

What the fuck does it matter if you didn't make it in time.

His eyes trail to Maya, as if trying to put on that brave face for her, eyes batting back whatever is desperately trying to get out. He has no words, his mouth won't work.

But...

Don't leave, please.]

[The only language he ever uses is Japanese, but his comm's got to be around. He can understand that much.

Tetsuo's shoulders hitch with every rapid breath, warily watching her for any sign of movement. The initial panic's gone, but the fear is far from.]

Where's-

[He doesn't want to ask what he knows he has to, and when he does speak up, his voice is thick, and far from steady. One quick glance behind her is all he risks before his whole attention is back on her.

It's not okay. Maybe it never will be okay. He's still trying to get the afterimages of seeing his heart out of his body out of his head, that's about as far from okay as it gets!]

Where's Kaneda?

[Maya doesn't need him to speak to understand.

She knows the pain in his face, she knows that feeling. She remembers a suit stained with blood, her sister's hair covered in clots, the warmth still in her skin. She remembers how that felt, and she can see that feeling in Kaneda's face.

She remembers all that she had wanted then, and that there had been no one to offer it to her. So even though Maya doesn't know, even though she isn't sure that's what he wants, she strides right up to him and wraps her arms around him, tight, lifting her chin over his shoulder.]

He's--

[Going after Pan.

Should she say that?

Well, she can't lie to him.]

...Kaneda went to Heropa to find Pan.

[She wrings her hands a little, trying to think of what to do, what to say---]

But we can call him! I can call him, I-- they just left a little while ago?

Don't-

[After all that... Kaneda's gone anyway. Why's he even surprised? That's just how it always went- Tetsuo failed at something, and Kaneda would sweep in to save the day and pick up the pieces. That's... that's what it meant to call Kaneda. He had to have known that was the price. So.. why does it still hurt, every time...

It doesn't really matter now, either way. Maybe it's for the best. There's not much left either one of them's going to say, is there? Or maybe he's just too much of a coward to find out. Either way, he can't take it. Not right now. It all hurts too much already, threatening a whole new round of tears at the mere suggestion.

He ought to say something after that, but he can't find the words.]

Don't do that!

Oh-- okay!

[She throws her hands up in surrender (lower than her shoulders, though-- she's not Phoenix dramatic, okay) and nods.]

We don't have to call him. We can do something else!

[Yes, good idea Maya, but what? What can you do? What could you possibly say to help someone who literally-- literally!-- got his heart ripped out?

She'll have to tell Kaneda somehow-- but not right now.]

He asked me to watch you, okay? So.... so if you need anything, you can just ask.

[...well, it's a start, at least.]

...

[Of course Kaneda did. But the worst part was Tetsuo couldn't even say that he didn't need anyone to do that. It felt like he was dying all over again, his chest constricting painfully as it all sinks in. At some point his other hand moved back to his heartbeat, just to make sure it's still there...

He was so determined to prove he could go without needing anyone, ever again. And he did prove something, alright - that... that Kaneda was right. All he was going to do was get himself killed.

He died. He really died.

On impulse, Tetsuo glances across the room, reaching out with his power to- ...to get... His eyes widen visibly when nothing happens. That's what that feeling of something wrong is. He's trapped in his own head!!

He feels great. He can hardly remember a time he felt so alive before. There's no pain. There's no voices.

He died.

He shouldn't feel this alive! He should feel worse! It's not fucking right! It's not bad enough Pan betrayed him; even his own body follows suit, feeding him with more energy than he can remember having. He doesn't hear things. He doesn't see things. The world finally makes sense again-

A whole new panic wells from somewhere deep in his chest, spreading an antsy feeling across his body until it threatens to paralyze him. Tetsuo backs up further, forcing his will out at anything - a window, the wall, the bed, the ceiling, the door. Nothing happens. He's just a scared teenager casting about the room for no reason; it's like he's completely forgotten Maya's there at all. No matter how far he stretches his consciousness, there's nothing but him for miles. He knows this cage, where it's just him in his head no matter what he tries. He knows what it is. It isn't his heart that's broken. It's him.

Fast, panicked breathing grows ragged all over again. His eyes burn, but he doesn't dare move his hand off of his heartbeat to do anything about it. He died. And now he has nothing.

He can feel the last little bits of himself shatter as he balls himself up more to try to keep the world out, keep it from seeing anyway as he breaks down. Except, the world is out. It's gone, and it's not coming back. There's nothing but fog where he used to see.

He traded everything for this power, and it didn't matter. He cut out so much from his life for this. He fought and he died for this. And it's gone anyway.

He curls up in the vast nothing of the suddenly claustrophobic world he's trapped in, arms and jacket protectively wrapped around his chest, and wishes he'd stayed dead.]

Edited 2016-01-03 10:39 (UTC)

[For a moment Maya can only watch, eyes softening with concern. Tetsuo is scared, it's so obvious-- it's all over him, and she has no idea what else to do. Like a tiger caught in a cage, Tetsuo seems so small and meek.

He is not the same boy she met at the arcade, who had frightened her, who had made her worry for the civilians nearby.

She walks over toward him, footsteps light as a cat's, and stops at the bed, kneeling on the floor before it. Close enough without getting too close, giving him that entire bed as a way away from her-- and no longer blocking his way out.]

Tetsuo.

[Maybe there is something she can do.

She puts on a calm, sweet voice, and remembering all Kaneda has told her about Neo Tokyo, she addresses Tetsuo in Japanese..]

I know you're scared, but I'm here.

Will you let me keep you company?

[He doesn't move when she approaches, or when she says his name.

But at words he knows the communicator isn't translating, he lifts his head up a little. He can't really explain it, but he feels a little less absolutely miserable than he did, maybe a little warmer. More up to interaction... His mind writes it off as it being talked to in Japanese.

He'd switch his comm off if he felt like hunting for it - he's not exactly bothered with learning English]

What do you care?

[ It's not like she's here because she gives a damn about what happens to him; he's nothing more than a way to get something from Kaneda. At least he knows Kaneda won't kill him- or if he does, it'll be face to face.

Unlike Pan]

Well, you need somebody around, don't you?

[She asks, shrugging a little to herself. Sure, she'd promised Kaneda-- but in the end, if Kaneda had never told her to stay, and no one else had? She probably would have, still.

Being alone when you wake up from something like this is awful.]

I wouldn't wanna be alone right now. Besides, I promised I'd keep you safe.

[There's nothing she can do but be honest with him, and hope the truth wins her points. Either way, this is gonna be a tough sale.]

[He looks back down at the jacket, not really having anything to say to that.

It's hard to say what's worse - being all alone, or having someone else here to watch his breakdown. Technically, he's alone anyway; all the world's against him and now he can't do anything about it. If she's not going to do anything to him, one person being here doesn't matter anymore.

But he's not going to trust that she's here to keep him safe. Keep him here, he'll buy. Which... which he'll accept, for once. For the first time since he got here, the idea of being outside is worse.]

[Maya waits. Just a moment or two, because she wants to give him time to answer if he wants, but doesn't want to crowd him.

She stands, then, dusts herself off, and leans just a little closer so she can speak a little more quietly. She'll leave him be soon (at least for a while), but first--]

If you need anything, let me know, okay?

What kind of stuff do you like to eat?

[Normally by now he'd have moved to wipe his face, or hide, or... something. But the only motion she's getting out of him is a half hearted shrug.]

[..........she'll just ask Kaneda later.]

I can move mountains, I can work a miracle [OPEN]

Kaneda | OTA

Tetsuo | OTA

THE IRON BULL | ota

December 2nd; midnight

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Dec 03, 3 AM

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