person man, person man, hit on the head with a frying pan

[jacksonian]

WHO: Mark and whoever
WHERE: Everywhere!! But mostly De Chima and Maurtia Falls
WHEN: Throughout November
WHAT: Catch-all for November with stuff. Hit me up!! Please!!! Open prompts below; PM me if you want something that isn't these things.
WARNINGS: Mark's life sucks; I'll edit this header if any particular suckiness comes up.


1. dog dog dog dog dog dog dog; De Chima/Maurtia Falls
[ In De Chima or in Maurtia Falls, you might find a rather strange sight: a small stocky man walking an enormous stocky dog. This is Mark walking his dog Captain, a scarred and warlike pit bull that pulls at the leash and constantly wags his tail. Mark's expression is still a forbidding glower, but Captain's doggy face is open and bright-eyed and happy; there's no one he doesn't want to make friends with.

And Mark, unfortunately, doesn't know good leash technique, and also (in spite of his own roundness) doesn't outweigh his dog by that much. And so when Captain wants to make friends, Mark is dragged along behind him. And that is why, if you're walking around, you might be approached by a dog trailing a very sour-looking little man who's hissing - ]

No, don't - stop - heel -

2. come make $$$$; Maurtia Falls
[ PKE, LLC, up in Maurtia Falls, is beyond luxurious. The office is appointed with a sort of brushed-steel-and-pine classiness, like it's furnished from the expensive part of Ikea; the receptionist out front is attractive and aloof, and people who are waiting get offered mineral water from glass bottles.

There are any number of reasons that you might have ended up here: you might have received an advertisement in the mail, or a random notification on your phone, or you might have seen the advertising that targets imPorts. All of this advertising will have offered help in investing, getting rich, or opening a new business - generous funding to get everyone a little bit wealthier.

Mark, sitting at his desk, smiles a smile that can generously be described as oily when you're shown in. And he purrs - ]

Please, sit down. Tell me about how you'd like to make money.

3. kicking some grass; De Chima
[ Mark doesn't like to practice where he can be seen. Definitely not. So when he's worked up and anxious, he goes out far away from his family, far away from the people who know him, out into the forests of De Chima. On the unlikely off-chance that your character happens to wander by, they'll be treated to a very strange sight: a small fat man vigorously practicing a judo kata, face miserable, before punching a tree. He turns as soon as he hears them, though, eyes flashing with anger as he snarls - ]

What the hell are you doing here? Go away.

4. fuck it; anywhere
[ Mark's eating ice cream. Come have ice cream. ]

Comments

2 because let's drive Mark to drink.

[helpline]

[ The Doctor's List of Checking To Make Certain That Major Businesses Aren't Gonna Destroy Anything, Looking At You Tony Stark
Wayne Enterprises: ✔
Starrware: ✔
PKE, LLC: ?

Okay, so this wasn't one of the ones he was actively worried about, looking at you tech companies, but the Doctor's dealt with enough billionaires without any scruples to not put all the eggs in the technology basket. So, checking out PKE, LLC it was. Thankfully, he has a good excuse (small business owner!) to get him through the door...at which point he starts bothering the receptionist and then bothering the clientele and sticking out like a sore thumb in his sunglasses. At least his black coat with red lining fits in...slightly.

So, when he inevitably gets shoved into Mark's office by the secretary who's about to lose her cool, he sits down...and then just frowns. ]

Ah. A sycophant. [ sorry Mark. ] Truth be told, I'm not interested in money, I'm just here to bother you about your business.

yes I'm so happy

[jacksonian]

[ God damn it. Mark does need to hire a better secretary. He hired the one he has now thanks to her brusqueness and coldness, which is a strategy which has not worked out well for him; it turned out that pretty and bitchy don't actually equal super-competent.

God damn it.

But what's he going to do now? Throw him out? That's just bad business - this guy will go around spreading stories about shitty customer service, unfriendliness and unhelpfulness...So Mark glowers at him, but says: ]

Fine. What are your questions?

just mark coming home and bitching to his dog about this crazy old man

[helpline]

[ The Doctor's still wearing his sunglasses as he looks around the room: basic tech in here, security cameras and a computer, HVAC and all that, but nothing looks worryingly advanced. Taking off the sunglasses, he puts them in a coat pocket before continuing, just idly talking to Mark like it's no big deal, this isn't a problem at all, there is no way he's inconveniencing him in the slightest!

All this despite the fact that he's probably going to totally inconvenience him. ]

You're obviously not the sort to help people out of the goodness of your own heart. [ The building bleeds 'look at me, I'm showing off, aren't I rich.' ] So why this?

"THIS MOTHERFUCKER"

[jacksonian]

[ Indeed, the only really advanced thing in the room - aside from what the Doctor has - is the stunner holstered under Mark's arm. It's a weapon many centuries ahead of what can be found on this planet - but it's far from worrying, just a little something for nonlethal self-defense.

Or getting irritating old aliens to shut up. But it certainly won't come to that.

Mark sits back in his chair and steeples his fingers, the gesture almost a parody of grotesque capitalism. ]

Why this? To make money for myself, of course. That's the nature of this sort of business. The more my clients succeed, the more I succeed.

[helpline]

And that's it?

[ The Doctor can't really bother to hide his disgust. Sure, he got that impression, what with the building...and the mineral water...and Mark's tone of voice. But it's reassuring (maybe) to hear it straight from the horse's mouth himself.

Still, it couldn't be bad. If Mark was so short-sighted that he was just out for number one, then he'd be less likely to cause any problems himself. But there always was the possibility of his short-sightedness leading for Mark to take some clients that'd be the ones to cause problems in the first place. ]

Out of simple curiosity, who do you not take as clients? Every business's got one, even if it's just a list of 'don't sell to this person because they break things.'

[jacksonian]

[ That isn't it. Not in the least. But for Mark, an appearance of grotesque greed is useful. When people feel as though they know exactly who he is and exactly what he wants, he can take them by surprise if he needs to. A fat greedy little asshole is an image people don't question.

That question, though, earns the man a displeased look. Who don't you take - The list is long. And also - ]

That's none of your business.

[helpline]

[ See, if we were in canon, this is the point where the Doctor'd pull out his psychic paper aka "convenient bullshit device" and continue to bullshit his way through the conversation until he got what he needed or gained people's trust, and he'd leave the building all fine and dandy.

But we're in rp. And he doesn't have the psychic paper. So he's grappling with this with just pure bullshit, plain and simple. ]

Course it's part of my business. I'm Doctor Harry Sullivan, part of UNIT, the United Network of imPort Trust. After Stark's nonsense a month or so ago, I've been investigating other imPort-run businesses to make certain that they're on the level and not going to foist even more nonsense on people who haven't asked for it in the first place. I've already checked out Starrware and Wayne Enterprises, you were next on the list.

[ His bullshit forgets the fact that a good chunk of the times he's been on the network, the Doctor's used video...and called himself the Doctor...and stated that he's an alien. ]

[jacksonian]

Yeah?

[ Mark's face is already hardening into hostile suspicion. Maybe he's telling the truth; maybe he's lying. In either case, he's certainly not about to say anything. So he spits out: ]

First, bullshit. Second, even if you were telling the truth, you'd need a warrant. Do you have one?

[helpline]

[ The Doctor's just keeping going, giving Mark a little shrug as he continues talking. ]

UNIT's not a law enforcement organization. I thought I'd give you a chance to answer things without cops swarming around—can't be good for business, you know.

[ He seems perfectly calm and perfectly at ease as the Doctor just spews so much bullshit, talking in a way like 'of course this is the truth, why would you think this wasn't the truth?' ]

[jacksonian]

Yeah?

[ A hard, stubborn, mulish look comes into his face. ]

So if I don't answer, you're going to call the cops?

[helpline]

[ Considering that the Doctor's persona non grata for the police officers in most cities, absolutely not. ]

Perhaps. Or perhaps I might poke around a bit more. By the way, is that a stunner under your arm or are you just happy to see me?

[jacksonian]

[ That makes him stiffen. His right fist clenches with the sheer effort it takes to not grope at it to make sure it's still in place and intact. ]

What? What are you talking about?

[helpline]

Stunner, under your arm, obviously not Earth kit and thankfully, the only piece of non-Earth kit in this room. [ said in a very casual tone, as the Doctor looks over at Mark. He's shifts his position in the chair, dangling his legs over the arm of the chair as he continues to talk. ]

Well, the only piece of non-Earth kit in this room that doesn't belong to me, that is. Want to answer my questions now?

[jacksonian]

[ He takes a breath to calm himself. And then he unbuttons his suit jacket and reaches in to grasp the stunner, and draw it, and set it down on the table in front of him. The Doctor is quite right; not Earth make, but very elegant and clean. Whoever made it really knew what they were doing.

He lifts his chin and meets the Doctor's eyes, brows drawing down, eyes narrowed in defiance. ]

Do you have any tricks better than just being able to spot someone's weapons? Because I'm going to have to get a lot more impressed before I tell you shit.

[helpline]

[ The Doctor meets Mark's defiance with a little smirk. He wants tricks? Oh this is going to be fun, he can't help showing off a little bit no matter what. Of course, his showing off isn't going to be anything malicious...just annoying. Slowly and deliberately, the Doctor reaches into his pocket and puts the sonic sunglasses on his face, not making any sudden movements because yeah, he knows that Mark could stun him at any possible moment. ]

There's not anything on this floor that needs quiet, right? No nurseries or babies or anything like that?

[ Because with the sonic sunglasses, he's already trying to hack into the intercom system with the express purpose of piping loud, obnoxious music through this floor.

Of course, it just looks like the Doctor's staring slightly at the intercom while his glasses...make a small whirring noise. ]

[jacksonian]

No.

[ The look he shoots the Doctor is plainly incredulous. He speaks as he would to an idiot: ]

There are no nurseries in this office building. Why?

sorry mark

[helpline]

Good!

[ The music starts off a little quiet, as the sonic sunglasses continue to whirr and the volume of the intercom turns up. And then, a little too loud for comfort,

"I GET KNOCKED DOWN
BUT I GET UP AGAIN
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN
I GET KNOCKED DOWN
BUT I GET UP AGAIN
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN"

The Doctor looks absolutely joyful as the strains of Chumbawumba blare though the intercom system of the floor of the office building. ]

i love you

[jacksonian]

[ Mark's expression darkens even further. He's not remotely confused as to who's behind this. ]

Stop that.

i love you too. :)

[helpline]

Stop what?

[ said with an all too innocent look on his face. Of course the fact that the Doctor speaks along with he drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a lager drink, he drinks a cider drink isn't helping his case very much. ]

[jacksonian]

Shut off the music.

[ His jaw is clenched so hard that it nearly aches. ]

[helpline]

You're no fun.

[ But indeed, after one last I GET KNOCKED DOWN, the music abruptly turns off. ]

Chumbawumba not your taste? I've got some Clash we could play instead. Oh, or Parliament Funkadelic, did you know that some planets haven't even heard of Parliament Funkadelic?

[jacksonian]

[ He tries to look steely. ]

I don't care about whether or not people have heard of Parliament Funkydelk.

[helpline]

Parlament Funkadelic.

[ His legs still draped over the side of his chair, the Doctor tilts his head backwards to get a good look at Mark's computer. He's not done showing off just yet. ]

Check your email.

[ Because surprise, the Doctor's sent Mark an email via plot device sonic sunglasses. The email's from doctor@timeaftertimeheropa.com, has the subject like "Parliament Funkadelic" and the body of the email just consists of a mp3 download of "Give Up the Funk"

Eventually the Doctor will stop being a show-offy douchebag. Today's not the day. ]

You can reply to that email with the list of clients, by the way.

[jacksonian]

[ Mark looks over when his email pings, eyes narrowing slightly. After the Doctor speaks, he turns to his computer and clicks on it. There's a slight pause as he looks over the email. He doesn't download the song, but he does hesitate a moment. Then he clicks again, and types again, and then clicks. And then he turns to look at the Doctor, unblinking.

A few seconds - two, three, four - and then an email shows up in the Doctor's sonic inbox. ]

To: doctor@timeaftertimeheropa.com
From: mpvk@pke.com
Re: Client list

Message body:
Go fuck yourself

[helpline]

Rude.

[ Because yeah. Rude. Says the person who's still sitting in the chair in a way that you don't sit in a chair and who just treated the office to unwelcome Chumbawumba, yeah, Mark's the one being rude. He continues talking in an idle tone of voice, tone covering the fact that he's kind of threatening Mark. ]

I hacked into your intercom system, I can hack into your computer and encryptions as well. It's Earth tech, primitive twenty-first century stuff, and I'm certain that weapon of yours marks you as more of a soldier than a technician. [ but a slightly fat soldier...well, sometimes the army's got to take anybody ] I can deal with it if you don't give me a full client list, but at least a list of your qualifications of who PKE, LLC accepts and doesn't accept would do.

Really, this is all just preventative.