Lucifer vs. Vor master post

[vorbarra]

WHO: Lucifer + the whole damn cast + a bunch of unfortunate victims of circumstance.
WHERE: Various.
WHEN: Starting 5/27 and onward.
WHAT: Lucifer has Mark kidnap Gregor. Shit hits the fan.
WARNINGS: There is definitely going to be torture and violence. Will update with specifics.


Table of Contents (roughly chronological)
Initial kidnapping -- Gregor, Mark, Lucifer
So honey, I haven't told you... -- Aral, Cordelia
Secondary kidnapping -- Lucy, Mark, Kel
Hawke vs. Vorhouse -- Hawke, Miles, Aral, Tex, Jim, Spock, Kel
Miles at the hospital -- Miles, Kitty, Tex, Ed, Jim, Bucky, Ken, Kareen, Mark, Newt, Kel
Location: rubble -- Winry, Miles, Ed, Tex
Ruined date and getting voluntold -- Duv, Kasumi, Aral
Torture log -- Lucifer, Dean, Gregor
Assignment -- Lucifer, Mark
Telepathy -- Aral, Tex, Gregor
Wagon circling -- Miles, Winry, Roy, Ed, Yuri
Requests -- Aral, Jim
Rescue -- Lucifer, Miles, Kitty, Hermann, Mark
Hellhounds -- Lucifer, Roy, Ed, Hawke, Mark, Aral
Main fight -- Lucifer, Aral, Hawke
Swamp mingle -- Tex, Hawke, Ed, Winry, Roy, Jim
Post-rescue at hospital -- Gregor, Miles, Kitty, Duv, Cordelia
Following the trail of burger wrappers and tears -- Duv, Nicolas
Hospital threads part three -- Miles, Cordelia
End of the line -- Duv, Mark
Family reunion & oath swearing -- Mark, Gregor, Aral, Tej, Duv, Miles, Tex, Winry, Ed, Simon
Recovery OTA -- Aral, Miles, Duv, Cordelia, Ed, Winry

Comments

[keep_nothing]

[ And her smile keeps growing with it, full of fondness and more than a little amusement. ]

He loves you very much.

[vorbarra]

[ Gregor sorely wants to keep in this vein, to just keep growing her smile, but he's... not really capable of that right now. ]

... I worry sometimes that loving me will just get him hurt. I'm not-- [ He hesitates. I'm not really allowed to have things like this does not seem right to say to Cordelia, though Gregor feels that way, passive language emphasized. ] It's dangerous to be important to the Emperor.

[ This incident being a prime example. ]

[keep_nothing]

[ She hums lightly, catching that hesitation if not the true unsaid meaning behind it. ] In this instance, I think being important to Miles is what caused this.

[vorbarra]

[ That makes logical sense. He knows that already. But disentangling Gregor's expectation of getting his loved ones hurt from the reality of it perhaps being Miles instead of himself as the cause here is difficult. The damage is supposed to go the other direction. ]

What caused this is Lucifer being a spoiled, overpowered child who doesn't respect others' vows, [ he mutters. ] ... I wish I could protect Miles from caring for me too much. That's all.

[keep_nothing]

Well I can't argue with that estimation of the Devil.

[ But she now catches what that hesitation was before. His repeated notions of loving me will get him hurt and caring for me too much puts what he was going to say and aborted in startling clarity. ]

Gregor, [ she starts, her voice softening, ] you don't believe that you shouldn't be allowed to love anyone, do you?

[vorbarra]

[ He flinches subtly. ]

Well-- no, I should be allowed to, but I... [ But he isn't. Gregor swallows, looks down at his bandaged and unbandanged hands; his voice turns plaintive. ] With all they must endure to be with me, I couldn't bear to have them hurt or-- or killed because of it.

I don't know if I could recover from losing someone else to the Imperium whose only crime was being important to me.

[keep_nothing]

[ Her tone lightens, not out of hand or dismissive, but trying to make light of what he's saying. ] Well, Miles hurts himself enough to make up for anyone else's attempts, physically or otherwise. And if he's survived this long, I doubt anyone else could take him down so easily.

[vorbarra]

He's certainly persistent, [ he says softly, still staring down at his hands. It's a good attempt, but Gregor can't find any trace of humor in himself right now. ] And... really, I've been doing all right protecting Miles from himself, I think. It's just if he's-- if he's hurt because of me, I don't know what I would...

[ He trails off. ]

[keep_nothing]

[ She doesn't reach for his hands again, but she very gently lays a hand near him on the bed. Close enough to know she's there, but not close enough to invade in his space again. She's there if he needs–if he wants to reach out right back.

Her voice is low, quiet in the relative quiet of a private hospital room, but her tone is firm, resolute. ] You would keep going.

[vorbarra]

[ That just drenches him in weariness, the tiredness seeming to slam into him all at once, not just how strung out he is right now but a lifetime of accumulated resignation and blind forward movement despite all that held him back. The kind of unrelenting strain that had eventually driven him to try to escape any way he could, rather than face having to go back to being Emperor, pretending nothing had changed, with the knowledge of his father now weighing him. But by now Gregor does think he could live through just about anything, if he'd survived that.

He'd live through anything because Barrayar needed him to, this weekend included, no matter if his insides were scooped out and he became hollow in the process. ]

Yes. Of course... I'd have to. [ He rubs at his face with his uninjured hand, the bandaged one making an aborted, jerky movement and then settling down again. ] I always have to.

[keep_nothing]

No, Gregor [ Her voice is suddenly firmer, hinting at the steel underneath that he knows Countess Vorkosigan would one day have, a strength as sharp as any sword and handled with more skill than any of the finest armsmen could ever hope to possess. ] That's not what I mean.

[vorbarra]

[ He jerks, startled to suddenly hear her sounding exactly like how he thinks of her, and looks up just to check that she hasn't suddenly been replaced with a gray-streaked sharp Countess. The foster-mother he still thinks of when he envisions her.

He lets out a breath, tries to batten down his unflattering self-pity. ] I don't have nearly the confidence you do in my ability to recover.

[keep_nothing]

[ She's surprised at his jerk, not sure what she did to prompt that reaction. But she doesn't want to lose the current thread of conversation, putting aside her question of it for later.

The mild surprise is enough to change that subtle steel in her voice though, and while she sounds as confident and firm as ever, she doesn't sound like the Countess any more. She shakes her head lightly to his pity. ] You will, Gregor. And I'm not talking about the Emperor. That role will endure no matter who it is. I'm talking about you.

You have such strength, love, and I don't think you've even scratched the surface of it yet. It's unfair of all of us to ask you to bear what you do, but you can survive even that. Your loved ones have given you that strength, and will keep doing so as long as you love them, even if, God forbid, they may no longer be there near you.

cw: past suicide attempt discussion

[vorbarra]

[ He can't keep eye contact through this; he looks away again. He's so worn, and tired, and vulnerable right now that the truth just slips out of him unnoticed, all of his defenses gone, worn away to nothing by his endurance. ]

You're wrong, [ he says hoarsely. ] The only resiliency I have is as Emperor. You wouldn't be saying that if you... [ The words don't seem to come for that. ] I tried to run away. I told you that. But that wasn't the first thing I tried.

[keep_nothing]

... If I what, [ she prompts gently. ] What do you mean, wasn't the first thing you tried?

[vorbarra]

I... overheard someone. That's how I found out about my father. I was very drunk. [ In a darker mutter, ] Very drunk.

[ The words come out tense, low. Masking shame. So different from when he'd told Miles this. ]

When I got back to my room, I realized there was a gap in my security. [ Bleakly: ] I'm sure whoever it was got fired later. I saw the balcony, and... I was thinking about-- having to go back to Vorbarra Sultana, and pretend I knew nothing. That I was fit to rule and not a ticking time bomb. And it seemed so much easier to... not.

[ A pause. He licks his lips, then finishes softly. ]

I became tangled in some vines instead, and walked off. You and Miles are the only ones who realize what actually happened.

[keep_nothing]

[ Cordelia listens intently, quiet until he finishes, but her eyes widen when he mentions the balcony, immediately seeing where he was going with that ...

There's a pause after he finishes, and her voice is quieter when she speaks again. ]

... Was this on Komarr? Miles briefly mentioned that something happened, but said that I needed to talk to you about it.

[vorbarra]

Yes.

[ He lets out a breathless, sour, self-castigating laugh. ]

The Emperor disappeared on Komarr. Unbearably selfish of me. I got read the riot act when I returned. [ Since they thought he'd just run away, nothing deeper. ] Imagine if I had died-- they'd be forced to scrutinize everyone in a ten kilometer radius, all unfairly.

[keep_nothing]

Everyone has weak moments, love ... You can't hold it against yourself. You've grown since then, haven't you?

[vorbarra]

... I don't feel so hopeless as to do it again. Not nearly.

[ Gregor puts his face in one hand. ]

But I'm not like what you think I am.

[keep_nothing]

You're human. You're exactly what I think you are.

[vorbarra]

Weak and liable to fall apart if struck the wrong way?

[keep_nothing]

And able to bear more than you think you can with hidden depths you haven't even begun to dig up yet.

[vorbarra]

I can see why you're saying that, but I feel very far from it right now.

[keep_nothing]

That's usually when you start to dig without knowing it.