maskormenacelogs | FANPORT OVERFLOW LOG

[ Equally gentle affection sent back to smooth it over. This is much easier to reference now that they've had things resolved between them. All of those muddled feelings aren't distant yet, but they are assuaged. ]

Isn't that how it should be? Special cases. [ You don't need everyone to say yes to every question, just one. ]

[ Rejection still has a painful sting for Miles, though he finds the prospect of it less ... daunting, perhaps. Especially as he gets used to Gregor really being his, and vice versa. It's still all brand new. ]

As long as we have those, screw the rest of the world, eh?

[ He squeezes his hand under the table. ]

The rest of the galaxy, more like. Something to hold against the onslaught. [ Dyed in the wool, hopeless romantic, this one. ]

[ Miles isn't any less so, happily. The mental image warms him right down to his soul. Quietly: ]

It'll take some getting used to. You've gone and changed everything.

Like you have any less so? [ he says wryly. ] I can't count the number of things I'm doing that I never saw myself engaging in.

[ He was just vociferously protesting a couple months ago that he didn't want to date anyone at all. ]

And now here I am dragging you along? Dragging each other.

[ Out of view of the rest of the convention, he carefully slips an arm around Gregor's waist. ]

Mutual dragging, [ he promises. His voice drops, goes softer, both due to emotional content and not wanting to be overheard. ] I hope you're never given cause to regret agreeing to this.

[ Miles' own tone drops to a murmur to match. ]

I can't think of anything in the world that could, Gregor.

[ Gregor can think of several things: Miles regretting agreeing to him staying with Kitty while they're together, or Lucifer using him against him, to start. He doesn't think Miles would value his own sacrifices highly enough to regret, but he also can't help but wonder if Aral wouldn't regret enough for him, if Miles were ever hurt badly in being used against him...

But there's no reason to say anything of this. There's a vague sense of drifting sadness over their mental connection, but no different or worse than Gregor often has at periodic moments throughout the day. ]

Sorry. I truly wasn't expecting to ever have something like this. [ So he can't help but wonder when he's going to lose it again, despite himself. ]

[ Miles still tries to soothe it away with a flicker of his own light. Or rather, he sets up a lantern and invites Gregor to partake of it if he wants. He won't forget that Gregor needs space too, even now. ]

... So you're trying to brace yourself for when it disappears again? Or when it turns out to have been a mistake somehow?

[ No mistake on Miles' end. But - well, when he has irrational thoughts on the subject, that's where he ends up. ]

[ Gregor hesitates. ]

Not a mistake. [ That, he's definite on. But... He hovers in the doorway between their minds, letting himself be warmed but unwilling to dispel it completely. Gregor has lived with this sadness for so long, it's hard to feel himself without it. However misguided that is. ]

More it seems unreal, [ he says finally. ] Like a dream.

[ Miles agrees quietly with that. A thin thread of worry coming through on his end too. ]

And if we look at it too hard we'll wake up?

[ It's strangely reassuring that he's not alone in his worries. He subtly leans into him. ]

Something like that. Back on Barrayar at the very least.

... Ah. There's a very real and terrifying possibility.

[ Miles isn't sure which is worse: forgetting completely, or facing down Barrayar yet again. He pauses for a moment, remembering his conversation with Aral ... ]

[ Gregor isn't sure which is worse either, and his attempts not to think about it haven't been very fruitful. If anything, the avoidance just makes the foreboding worse-- which is ridiculous, because they've only been together a week. ]

... What are you thinking about? [ He has a hazy sense of something churning. ]

[ Barrayar has a way of looming even when they're a universe away. Miles sighs, softly, and attempts to marshall his thoughts. ]

I told Da. Before our weekend at the hotel, I mean, and before we'd figured this out.

[ This doesn't quite process for Gregor. ]

Told him what?

[ Surely he doesn't mean... ]

About how I felt about you. That ... I wanted to make you happy, however I could.

His response was that it probably wasn't possible for a man to be both Emperor and happy at the same time. But ... that there were ways to come close to it.

... He said that?

[ It's gone fuzzy like white noise on Gregor's end of the link. He's processing but not sure he's coming up with the right result. Yet every time he runs it through, it comes out the same.

Aral... approves? Of him? Of him with Miles. His (real) son. And he'd known already, which is maybe why he hadn't much reacted when Gregor had told him. It'd just been confirmation of an earlier knowledge, that must have seemed like an inevitable slide into reality, no matter their protestations otherwise. So he'd known and done nothing to stop it or try to divert Miles. Which surely wouldn't have been too difficult for someone with as much sway over him as Aral Vorkosigan. That means it hadn't just been professionalism in dealing with Lucifer he'd been leaning on, it had been...

Camaraderie? Acceptance? Gregor's a bit numb imagining that. Enough so that he's completely lost the thread that's surely more meaningful to Miles here, whether or not Gregor thinks he can be happy, or even come close. ]

I-- sorry. [ He's in public. This isn't the place for this. Gregor composes himself with a familiar wrench, his brain abruptly snapped back into practicalities. The words run through him one more time. ] I'm not sure if it's possible either, but I'd like to try. And I keep landing on the damnable thought that I'm not much of an Emperor here after all, am I. So perhaps it is achievable. [ Right, focus on that and not his weird mental blip at hearing Aral approves of them. ]

[ Miles is instantly concerned, of course. He'd thought it wa s a good comment - a very good one, to have Aral on their side as well. Miles could very easily have been convinced otherwise, especially on that topic in particular ...

He hovers, again, like a bird on a windowsill. Waiting for Gregor to think it through before he gently reaches back over. ]

You don't have to be Emperor here. Hell, I kind of liked just being Greg and Naismith, over and above our cover.

[ But Miles can't leave behind his Barrayaran life any more than Gregor can. ]

[ It's not precisely cause for concern, there's just something new and brittle forming, Gregor conflicted about feeling it at all. He's not supposed to care about Aral's opinion of what he does; that has been very clearly communicated to him many times. And he's done fine with that, he thinks. He'd ordered himself onto the Prince Serg and faced Simon as well, and they'd both seemed, if reluctant and a bit poleaxed, relieved that he'd finally done it. That reaction alone had been a tremendous weight and fear dissolved.

But electing to ignore his approval or disapproval doesn't mean he'd never wanted it. And wanting and being told not to look for something for many years has left him quite tangled about it. Gregor's glad, he really is glad-- it does seem to be warming him-- but he holds it apart from himself internally, unsure if he should let it touch him, disbelieving of its existence. Does it make a difference that he'd said it to Miles, and not to him? He just doesn't know.

He can be glad for Miles, at least. That's far simpler. Just as Miles's relationship with his father has always been simpler than Gregor's. ]

I don't mind being Emperor so much anymore, exactly, [ he says slowly. ] Not in the way the role falls out for specific people. It's only how much it demands of me at home that gives me pause. Here, it's uncomplicated-- I don't have to ask anything more of you than being with me.

[ Miles brightens too as he senses Gregor's thoughts turning warmer. Okay, good. He hasn't accidentally triggered something terrible. He just doesn't know sometimes. ]

Enjoy it, then? As much as we can, while we have it. We can fight Barrayar when we get that far.

[ Gregor had just been protesting to Cordelia that he's not sure it's so easy to persuade himself to relax and enjoy what he can while he's here.

But for Miles he only has a ruffle of warm fondness, a sensation that usually accompanies kissing him; in public he does nothing but smile just slightly, a quirk of his lips, Gregor as controlled as ever. ]

That's my empire you're talking about fighting. You think you can take that on?

[ So much wistfulness. (Is there really someone that would face that beast with him, which he's always faced alone?) Not just fondness here but admiration, Miles always someone that seems so much stronger to Gregor than himself when it comes to facing things like that. ]

[ Mlles practically beams in return, leaning into that mental touch. ]

Can and have. That's my entire life, remember.

[ This just ups the challenge exponentially. Perhaps fatally. Eh. ]

... Yes, you've already signed on for that, haven't you. But this isn't something that's required of you. You'd have to volunteer.

[ Such deliberate word choice. Not required of you. Gregor isn't going to ask. He can't help but think of Kitty's staunch refusal to be Empress or concubine or officially tied to him in any way and he-- he doesn't blame her, he endorses it, really, he wouldn't want that for her.

But Gregor does get tired of being a lead weight around someone's neck when they think of lasting commitment with him. He's having a hard time seeing himself otherwise. ]

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