maskormenacelogs | FANPORT OVERFLOW LOG

[ Oh. Oh. Really? There's another haze of white noise, briefly, Gregor deeply confused at being given something he desperately wants but had never thought to look for, so convinced was he he'd never find it.

He draws away physically, but just because he needs some kind of space to handle this in public (damn, why are they in public for this conversation). Gregor stares down at his loosely laced hands and says in a soft, small voice, ] You don't have to commit to that. It's just a hypothetical. [ It's all too likely it's a moot point, and they'll be back there and not remember anything.

But Miles knows exactly what he's getting into with this-- there's no secondhand words here, of Gregor explaining Barrayar. Miles has already faced the worst sort of prejudice Barrayar has to offer, just about, in a full array of them. Why does Gregor feel like accepting Barrayar, being so happy to have found a way to serve it, speaks so directly to him, some lost part of his soul finally acknowledged by someone personally?

He'd thought he wanted to draw the line between him and Imperium starkly, to keep them separate. To be man and not just Emperor. And he knows he's always valued Miles's ability to meld the two, but he hadn't realized how much felt missing, had been silently waiting for someone to fill the hole carved into him named duty to the Imperium.

He tries to distract from the magnitude of reaction in him with a half-failed attempt at a lighter, ] Why does this feel like you're accepting my child from another marriage?

That just makes it all the easier. I get to promise without having to follow through.

[ Only Miles would say that with a hint of sadness, though, that they might very well forget all this and he might not be permitted to take on Barrayar with Gregor together. Now that the topic has been breached, he finds himself actively wanting it. Him and Gregor against the world ... It becomes much more real in his head when he considers that world to be Barrayar. They'd have challenges and opportunity aplenty, and hopefully leave the planet a much better place afterwards ...

Oh, yes. That fills a hole in Miles' own soul in return. He can't think of anything better than that.

He just shakes his head a bit at Gregor's comment, smiling at the half-hearted joke. ]

Married to Barrayar first and foremost, eh? I tried, but the proposal didn't go well.

[ He swallows, hard, unable to match Miles's levity. How hadn't he realized how much he wants this, as much as he's unwilling to burden someone with it? Gregor, for all his complaints, deeply and ferociously loves Barrayar, like a badger with a cub. A cub that happens to be misshapen, with temperament problems and violent outbursts...

Of course Miles of all people wouldn't hesitate at that. ]

You don't have to. Follow through, in the event. I wouldn't blame you for balking at it at any point.

[ Miles drifts back into seriousness, then. And matches Gregor's own love for Barrayar with his own fierce loyalty. The relationship is different - in it, Miles is the misshapen, flawed cub with the equally flawed progenitor - but the feeling is no less intense for it. Two halves of the same sentiment. ]

But you know I will. No matter what it throws at us for this.

[ It's so obvious they're both talking about marriage here, but Gregor isn't ready to use the word yet in reference to them both. It looms huge and frightening above him, not the commitment of it putting him back, or that it's Miles, or any of the standard marriage-averse reasons-- but just what it would mean taking on, proclaiming loudly to the whole damn Nexus who he loves and drawing a massive target on Miles's back. It would invite so many nasty rumors of his own character, of the very sort Gregor has lobbied at himself in his darker moments, that it takes his breath away.

He just doesn't know if he can face that yet. It's all so fast to be imagining it, when he'd just kissed Miles for the first time a week ago; it's like he's caught up in a tidal wave and is desperately trying to get to dry land before it crashes.

None of that changes his emotional reaction. Love wells up like helpless tears. Outwardly Gregor has gone more stoic than ever, reflexively controlling his expression while inwardly he's crumbling into sentiment.

You've no idea how astonishing you are, or how much I love you. Barrayar doesn't deserve you as its servant. To take on that amount of hardship past what Miles has taken on already, for more than selfish reasons... ]

[ There will be plenty enough to focus on after all this is done. Many more complications, more than Miles can picture for himself ... so for now, instead, he gently shifts his mental presence a little further into Gregor's mental space. The equivalent of an embrace, warm and fortifying. Even as he drinks in that profession of love in return - a bit greedily, still, his thirst for the for that sentiment not yet slaked. Maybe he'll never be completely satisfied. But as long as Gregor is there to give it, freely, it doesn't seem as terrifying a prospect as it once was ...

I'm beginning to understand, he returns warmly, all love and loyalty in return. Bit by bit you're convincing me. ]

[ He really could spend his whole life convincing Miles more and more that he deserves to be, and is, loved. What a dizzying thought that is, wonderfully so. And screw Barrayar attempting to take one thing more from him-- the most important thing.

He welcomes him into his mind, the seascape for once not just calm but pleasantly balmy, an ideal day for sailing with a good clip of wind. Out loud: ] Just how long do we need to be here for again?

[ Another spark of warmth at that, this one rather more anticipatory. ]

Eh ... close enough. Why don't we pack up and go now?

You think you've accomplished enough for today already?

[ Now he really is just teasing. ]

Diminishing returns. And other, more interesting plans.

Speaking of interesting plans, I have something for you when we get back.

[ If anything will ensure Miles makes haste getting them home, it's promising him a surprise when they get there... There's a short flurry of happy anticipation from Gregor as well, most of his nervousness on giving Miles things fully drained away by now. ]

[ Oh, yes. There are few finer drugs for Miles' mind than a healthy dose of curiosity. He packs up in double time, finishing with the bedazzled sign under one arm. He buzzes faintly with anticipation himself. ]

That's lovely, Gregor, but what on earth am I going to do with another horse?

Please, I know better than to expect anyone could contend with Penny.

[ Some belated helping to pack up from Gregor, though in practice it ends up being like trailing after the buzzing efficiency of Miles chasing his curiosity. ]

This is me fulfilling a request you made of me.

[ Miles blinks at that. Request? Did he request something? He's already forgotten. ]

I expect I'll realize as soon as you show me.

[ Gregor snorts as they head out of the convention center. Thankfully they'd had a very minimalistic sort of table, so there's not much to carry, and it's an easy trek. ]

So I might not have bothered? Perhaps I'll send it back.

No, no. Entirely too late for that now.

[ He waves the sign in the air to flag down a taxi - much easier like that. ]

Don't expect any presents for a while after this, [ he cautions, ducking into the back seat. ]

I've fully run through my ideas for you at this point.

That's all right. It gives me more time to catch up.

[ Still, he can't hide how pleased he is with the whole affair. Him getting presents from a suitor is just delightfully novel, over and above getting them from Gregor in particular. ]

[ They eventually get home and dump their detritus from the convention, merch and all, haphazardly on the main table to sort out later. Everyone else is still out, fortunately, them having abandoned ship early; Gregor really would prefer not to have an audience for this.

He turns to Miles, finally. ] I feel as if I should have a much more properly romantic reveal for this, [ he says apologetically. ]

[ Miles' buzzing anticipation turns a bit nervous at that. Was he hoping it would be romantic? He's really not sure. With an inelegant little hop, he sits on the table so he's loosely eye level with Gregor (or at least not quite so far down.) ]

Go on, then. You're just keeping me in suspense at this point.

[ Oh, well, he can't resist that temptation, now that he doesn't have to. Gregor almost swoops in to kiss him, taking his time about it, thorough and tender.

He uses that intermission to pull a ring box out of his jacket pocket, open it, and pull the ring inside it out. Should Miles prove sufficiently distracted with kissing, he's hoping to get all the way through hooking the clasp for the silver chain around his neck, letting the ring itself thump softly to his breastbone before breaking away and letting him look.

It's a narrow band of brushed black titanium with a strip of lighter gray through it, but the inside is a familiar rose gold, with a tiny Vorbarra circlet of olive leaves around a VB engraved on the interior.

Quietly, ] It's one of the tracking ones. So I can find you.

[ The gesture prompts a deep sense of satisfaction from Miles. God, ever since he'd figured out his own feelings about Gregor, he'd had much the same impulse every time he'd hopped up somewhere. Add that to the fact they've gone all day without kissing and he's more than a little enthusiastic about it. Distracted enough by Gregor's face (and mouth) that he doesn't notice the chain until the ring drops into place.

Then, quite abruptly, he stares at it. There's a part of him that's rather relieved that it's just a tracking ring and not, say, an engagement ring. For once in his life Miles isn't ready for a proposal. He turns the ring over in his hands, admiring the color scheme and craftsmanship even before he gets to the crest on the interior. Oh. That's ... A swell of feeling rises up in him, grateful and overwhelmed. ]

It's beautiful, Gregor.

[ Having spent the whole day teasing each other mentally hasn't left Gregor unaffected either, and it's not until he's kissing Miles and, as he's pulling away, leaving him wrapped loosely in his arms that he fully appreciates how hard it'd been to restrain himself all day. Honeymoon period indeed.

He's warmed and relieved that the ring appears to be having the effect he'd intended. Gregor had thought it over hard before deciding it was just the right proportion of gesture, demonstrating just enough intent and not too much... Almost but not quite a promise of more, left inexplicit... ]

I thought-- you could wear it like this. [ He finds himself incapable of saying, At least for now, because. No. Too much. Instead, softly: ] I'm glad you like it.

[ Miles leans back up to kiss him again, lightly. Quick and affectionate. ]

Yes ... yes, I think so. [ He also mentally adds For now, though not in so many words, and not precisely directed at Gregor. A feeling, instead. He turns the ring over in his hands so as to see it from every angle. ] And practical too, given everything else going on.

Yes. Some piece of reassurance.

[ He draws back enough to let his hands settle on Miles's waist comfortably, leaving enough distance to speak. ]

You asked me for something with my crest on it.

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