maskormenacelogs | FANPORT OVERFLOW LOG

[ Gregor hesitates. ]

Not a mistake. [ That, he's definite on. But... He hovers in the doorway between their minds, letting himself be warmed but unwilling to dispel it completely. Gregor has lived with this sadness for so long, it's hard to feel himself without it. However misguided that is. ]

More it seems unreal, [ he says finally. ] Like a dream.

[ Miles agrees quietly with that. A thin thread of worry coming through on his end too. ]

And if we look at it too hard we'll wake up?

[ It's strangely reassuring that he's not alone in his worries. He subtly leans into him. ]

Something like that. Back on Barrayar at the very least.

... Ah. There's a very real and terrifying possibility.

[ Miles isn't sure which is worse: forgetting completely, or facing down Barrayar yet again. He pauses for a moment, remembering his conversation with Aral ... ]

[ Gregor isn't sure which is worse either, and his attempts not to think about it haven't been very fruitful. If anything, the avoidance just makes the foreboding worse-- which is ridiculous, because they've only been together a week. ]

... What are you thinking about? [ He has a hazy sense of something churning. ]

[ Barrayar has a way of looming even when they're a universe away. Miles sighs, softly, and attempts to marshall his thoughts. ]

I told Da. Before our weekend at the hotel, I mean, and before we'd figured this out.

[ This doesn't quite process for Gregor. ]

Told him what?

[ Surely he doesn't mean... ]

About how I felt about you. That ... I wanted to make you happy, however I could.

His response was that it probably wasn't possible for a man to be both Emperor and happy at the same time. But ... that there were ways to come close to it.

... He said that?

[ It's gone fuzzy like white noise on Gregor's end of the link. He's processing but not sure he's coming up with the right result. Yet every time he runs it through, it comes out the same.

Aral... approves? Of him? Of him with Miles. His (real) son. And he'd known already, which is maybe why he hadn't much reacted when Gregor had told him. It'd just been confirmation of an earlier knowledge, that must have seemed like an inevitable slide into reality, no matter their protestations otherwise. So he'd known and done nothing to stop it or try to divert Miles. Which surely wouldn't have been too difficult for someone with as much sway over him as Aral Vorkosigan. That means it hadn't just been professionalism in dealing with Lucifer he'd been leaning on, it had been...

Camaraderie? Acceptance? Gregor's a bit numb imagining that. Enough so that he's completely lost the thread that's surely more meaningful to Miles here, whether or not Gregor thinks he can be happy, or even come close. ]

I-- sorry. [ He's in public. This isn't the place for this. Gregor composes himself with a familiar wrench, his brain abruptly snapped back into practicalities. The words run through him one more time. ] I'm not sure if it's possible either, but I'd like to try. And I keep landing on the damnable thought that I'm not much of an Emperor here after all, am I. So perhaps it is achievable. [ Right, focus on that and not his weird mental blip at hearing Aral approves of them. ]

[ Miles is instantly concerned, of course. He'd thought it wa s a good comment - a very good one, to have Aral on their side as well. Miles could very easily have been convinced otherwise, especially on that topic in particular ...

He hovers, again, like a bird on a windowsill. Waiting for Gregor to think it through before he gently reaches back over. ]

You don't have to be Emperor here. Hell, I kind of liked just being Greg and Naismith, over and above our cover.

[ But Miles can't leave behind his Barrayaran life any more than Gregor can. ]

[ It's not precisely cause for concern, there's just something new and brittle forming, Gregor conflicted about feeling it at all. He's not supposed to care about Aral's opinion of what he does; that has been very clearly communicated to him many times. And he's done fine with that, he thinks. He'd ordered himself onto the Prince Serg and faced Simon as well, and they'd both seemed, if reluctant and a bit poleaxed, relieved that he'd finally done it. That reaction alone had been a tremendous weight and fear dissolved.

But electing to ignore his approval or disapproval doesn't mean he'd never wanted it. And wanting and being told not to look for something for many years has left him quite tangled about it. Gregor's glad, he really is glad-- it does seem to be warming him-- but he holds it apart from himself internally, unsure if he should let it touch him, disbelieving of its existence. Does it make a difference that he'd said it to Miles, and not to him? He just doesn't know.

He can be glad for Miles, at least. That's far simpler. Just as Miles's relationship with his father has always been simpler than Gregor's. ]

I don't mind being Emperor so much anymore, exactly, [ he says slowly. ] Not in the way the role falls out for specific people. It's only how much it demands of me at home that gives me pause. Here, it's uncomplicated-- I don't have to ask anything more of you than being with me.

[ Miles brightens too as he senses Gregor's thoughts turning warmer. Okay, good. He hasn't accidentally triggered something terrible. He just doesn't know sometimes. ]

Enjoy it, then? As much as we can, while we have it. We can fight Barrayar when we get that far.

[ Gregor had just been protesting to Cordelia that he's not sure it's so easy to persuade himself to relax and enjoy what he can while he's here.

But for Miles he only has a ruffle of warm fondness, a sensation that usually accompanies kissing him; in public he does nothing but smile just slightly, a quirk of his lips, Gregor as controlled as ever. ]

That's my empire you're talking about fighting. You think you can take that on?

[ So much wistfulness. (Is there really someone that would face that beast with him, which he's always faced alone?) Not just fondness here but admiration, Miles always someone that seems so much stronger to Gregor than himself when it comes to facing things like that. ]

[ Mlles practically beams in return, leaning into that mental touch. ]

Can and have. That's my entire life, remember.

[ This just ups the challenge exponentially. Perhaps fatally. Eh. ]

... Yes, you've already signed on for that, haven't you. But this isn't something that's required of you. You'd have to volunteer.

[ Such deliberate word choice. Not required of you. Gregor isn't going to ask. He can't help but think of Kitty's staunch refusal to be Empress or concubine or officially tied to him in any way and he-- he doesn't blame her, he endorses it, really, he wouldn't want that for her.

But Gregor does get tired of being a lead weight around someone's neck when they think of lasting commitment with him. He's having a hard time seeing himself otherwise. ]

I'm very much aware of that. And I think -

[ A quiet little flicker of warmth starts up at that. However conflicted his relationship with Barrayar may be - however much he may need to escape sometimes as Naismith - all his issues stem from having difficulty finding a place in his beloved home. Being tied to the throne and Gregor is an advantage for him, not a weight. His heart is nothing but light on that particular iteration of this topic. ]

... I think there are few things - other than you - that would make me happier. To finally have found a way to serve Barrayar.

[ Oh. Oh. Really? There's another haze of white noise, briefly, Gregor deeply confused at being given something he desperately wants but had never thought to look for, so convinced was he he'd never find it.

He draws away physically, but just because he needs some kind of space to handle this in public (damn, why are they in public for this conversation). Gregor stares down at his loosely laced hands and says in a soft, small voice, ] You don't have to commit to that. It's just a hypothetical. [ It's all too likely it's a moot point, and they'll be back there and not remember anything.

But Miles knows exactly what he's getting into with this-- there's no secondhand words here, of Gregor explaining Barrayar. Miles has already faced the worst sort of prejudice Barrayar has to offer, just about, in a full array of them. Why does Gregor feel like accepting Barrayar, being so happy to have found a way to serve it, speaks so directly to him, some lost part of his soul finally acknowledged by someone personally?

He'd thought he wanted to draw the line between him and Imperium starkly, to keep them separate. To be man and not just Emperor. And he knows he's always valued Miles's ability to meld the two, but he hadn't realized how much felt missing, had been silently waiting for someone to fill the hole carved into him named duty to the Imperium.

He tries to distract from the magnitude of reaction in him with a half-failed attempt at a lighter, ] Why does this feel like you're accepting my child from another marriage?

That just makes it all the easier. I get to promise without having to follow through.

[ Only Miles would say that with a hint of sadness, though, that they might very well forget all this and he might not be permitted to take on Barrayar with Gregor together. Now that the topic has been breached, he finds himself actively wanting it. Him and Gregor against the world ... It becomes much more real in his head when he considers that world to be Barrayar. They'd have challenges and opportunity aplenty, and hopefully leave the planet a much better place afterwards ...

Oh, yes. That fills a hole in Miles' own soul in return. He can't think of anything better than that.

He just shakes his head a bit at Gregor's comment, smiling at the half-hearted joke. ]

Married to Barrayar first and foremost, eh? I tried, but the proposal didn't go well.

[ He swallows, hard, unable to match Miles's levity. How hadn't he realized how much he wants this, as much as he's unwilling to burden someone with it? Gregor, for all his complaints, deeply and ferociously loves Barrayar, like a badger with a cub. A cub that happens to be misshapen, with temperament problems and violent outbursts...

Of course Miles of all people wouldn't hesitate at that. ]

You don't have to. Follow through, in the event. I wouldn't blame you for balking at it at any point.

[ Miles drifts back into seriousness, then. And matches Gregor's own love for Barrayar with his own fierce loyalty. The relationship is different - in it, Miles is the misshapen, flawed cub with the equally flawed progenitor - but the feeling is no less intense for it. Two halves of the same sentiment. ]

But you know I will. No matter what it throws at us for this.

[ It's so obvious they're both talking about marriage here, but Gregor isn't ready to use the word yet in reference to them both. It looms huge and frightening above him, not the commitment of it putting him back, or that it's Miles, or any of the standard marriage-averse reasons-- but just what it would mean taking on, proclaiming loudly to the whole damn Nexus who he loves and drawing a massive target on Miles's back. It would invite so many nasty rumors of his own character, of the very sort Gregor has lobbied at himself in his darker moments, that it takes his breath away.

He just doesn't know if he can face that yet. It's all so fast to be imagining it, when he'd just kissed Miles for the first time a week ago; it's like he's caught up in a tidal wave and is desperately trying to get to dry land before it crashes.

None of that changes his emotional reaction. Love wells up like helpless tears. Outwardly Gregor has gone more stoic than ever, reflexively controlling his expression while inwardly he's crumbling into sentiment.

You've no idea how astonishing you are, or how much I love you. Barrayar doesn't deserve you as its servant. To take on that amount of hardship past what Miles has taken on already, for more than selfish reasons... ]

[ There will be plenty enough to focus on after all this is done. Many more complications, more than Miles can picture for himself ... so for now, instead, he gently shifts his mental presence a little further into Gregor's mental space. The equivalent of an embrace, warm and fortifying. Even as he drinks in that profession of love in return - a bit greedily, still, his thirst for the for that sentiment not yet slaked. Maybe he'll never be completely satisfied. But as long as Gregor is there to give it, freely, it doesn't seem as terrifying a prospect as it once was ...

I'm beginning to understand, he returns warmly, all love and loyalty in return. Bit by bit you're convincing me. ]

[ He really could spend his whole life convincing Miles more and more that he deserves to be, and is, loved. What a dizzying thought that is, wonderfully so. And screw Barrayar attempting to take one thing more from him-- the most important thing.

He welcomes him into his mind, the seascape for once not just calm but pleasantly balmy, an ideal day for sailing with a good clip of wind. Out loud: ] Just how long do we need to be here for again?

[ Another spark of warmth at that, this one rather more anticipatory. ]

Eh ... close enough. Why don't we pack up and go now?

You think you've accomplished enough for today already?

[ Now he really is just teasing. ]

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