maskormenacelogs | I can move mountains, I can work a miracle [OPEN]

[As Kaneda moves forward, Tetsuo's eyes widen. He leans back, arms jerking away to scrabble backwards over the bed. But Kaneda's faster. Before he's managed to do more than jerk violently backwards, the biker's there, arms circling him with too much eagerness to be that gentle.

His body locks up, going completely rigid as Kaneda... pulls him.. forward.

Heart beating wildly as confused panic freezes him in the spot, eyes as large as they get, mouth open in surprise, he stays there, trying to process what's happening.]

[Kaneda's body presses against Tetsuo's own, the familiar (was it really familiar? possibly nostalgic) warmth enveloping him the moment those arms are secured there. One hand links with the opposite wrist, fingers digging lightly into his back as his head buries itself against the thick bird's nest Tetsuo called his hair.

He doesn't care if he's shoved off in a second, or hit, or whatever. He just wanted to hug Tetsuo one time before it all came crashing down again.

Before Tetsuo remembered that he'd failed to protect him when he needed it most.]

[As realization sets in that Kaneda's not going to kill him, his body doesn't relax. It tenses further, small shivers running down his arms and shoulders. He swallows hard, breathing unevenly as fear and raw, emotional pain built up for years war in his mind.

He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what Kaneda's doing, because it can't be what it feels like. It can't.

Kaneda's hand presses in on the exact spot Pan's went through, making his breath hitch as he presses further into Kaneda to get pressure off that spot.

If anyone had reason to want him dead, it'd be Kaneda, wouldn't it? When he got here, Kaneda hated him for the exact same things that just happened. He disowned any association then and there for reasons that Tetsuo only now can start to realize. So... why? After everything he's done, everything they've done... why?

Fingers dig in against his back as Kaneda's face buries itself in his hair, breathing warmth against his scalp. He forgot just how warm Kaneda really was. The last time they were anywhere near this close had to be the accident, when he was left twitching and weakly clutching at Kaneda's arm...

Kaneda didn't get there in time to save him then, either. In a way, he feels even more helpless now than he did then.

Slowly, shaking, his hands move of their own accord up to Kaneda's chest, pulled tight against his body until his hands find fabric. Tetsuo could shove him away, but he- he can't make himself move. He can't even stop the tears as they burn his eyes, threatening to fall.

What's he going to do? He doesn't know. What does he want to do? Dammit, he doesn't even know anymore! He doesn't know anything!

Just that... that Kaneda's here. What seems like the Kaneda that Tetsuo used to know a long time ago, before it all went wrong. It's too much for him to take.]

What are you... going to do with me?

Tetsuo...

[He doesn't know what to do, honestly. He's just doing what feels right, and right now, all he wants is Tetsuo in his arms.

His breath shudders against that hair, feeling how soft it was despite him vastly not taking care of it. Everything was so familiar, like touching a blanket you hadn't used in almost a year.

He probably should hate Tetsuo. Everything that's happened up until this brings up every red flag that he should just cut him out of his life. And for some people, that's what they'd do.

Kaneda is NOT that person, though. Because when he'd beaten up those kids back home, gotten that toy back for him, he'd made himself a promise. He'd met someone who needed him, and he promised that he'd take care of him. Neo Tokyo was unforgiving, and Tetsuo was so timid. He'd do everything he could to preserve that.

Funny, he almost seemed anything but these past few months.

He feels hands clutch his tattered t-shirt, expecting him to be shoved off the bed, shoved away once more. He'd expected it, accepted it. He'd failed, after all. He couldn't beat Pan, and he couldn't even save his life. For all his talk about Tetsuo getting himself killed, Kaneda was the one who allowed it to happen.

The question chills his heart. Because he can only imagine what Tetsuo thinks his options are.]

What I should've done a long time ago.

[And before Tetsuo can jump to the scariest conclusion he can think of, Kaneda's hands run through that hair, pressing his head to his shoulder.]

Just...hug me, dammit...

please

Edited 2016-01-08 07:04 (UTC)

[Cold ice grips at his heart, breath hitching. He only dares exhale in a pained shudder when Kaneda follows that with the last sentence he ever expected to hear.

He shudders harder, desperately trying to hold the last shreds of himself together, but he doesn't have the strength Kaneda does. He never did.

Something deep inside him shatters at Kaneda's whisper, and he crumples completely into those arms with a broken sounding squeak. Tetsuo's hands forcibly unclench from Kaneda's shirt only to throw themselves around Kaneda's neck and back, clutching belatedly at the lifeline he failed to hold onto. Self-hatred fuels every broken gasp for air as he buries his head into Kaneda's shoulder and sobs.

Maybe it's for any scrap of friendship they once could have had left. Maybe it's for himself. Maybe he's never stopped being that pathetic little kid crying in the corner, only this time he can't even try to hide it. All he is is helpless and weak and scared, and he was never meant to be anything else. And once he started crying, the tears take hold of him, gripping hard onto his chest and refusing to let go as his whole body shakes with the force of his misery.

It wouldn't even surprise him if Kaneda shoved him away after this, or hurt him, or told him to get out. He's nothing more than a worthless failure of a human being, and all the world knows it.]

[If Tetsuo's expecting any of those to happen, they don't come. All that happens is Kaneda's arms open up for him, cradling Tetsuo's head in his shoulder and feeling those tears start to soak into the fabric. It's hard to remain strong, and to not cry with him. But that doesn't stop his muscles from shuddering as he breathes out, holding onto him as tight as he can.

He'd never actually wanted Tetsuo to cry. Back in the day, he'd take stabs at him, or occasionally tease. But he never...ever liked seeing it. It was why he fought those bullies in the first place, getting back that toy that they'd taken from him. Because Tetsuo was something gentle in a world that wouldn't protect him. And Kaneda...who always saw himself as already tainted by that world, thought he could preserve it.

A fool's wish, honestly.

Because it only ended with Tetsuo twisting into something else.

He doesn't know what to do or say, fingers clenching that hair and threading it out, eyes clenched tight as if that would shut out any invading thoughts that this would end. He wanted this hug more than anything in the world, but he didn't want Tetsuo to cry again.

It's the saddest and happiest moment of his life, all in one moment. ]

[How long they stay that way, Tetsuo couldn't say. He sobs himself hoarse, until his voice gives out and his face is burning, pressed into the soaking fabric of Kaneda's shirt. He continues shivering when he can't find more tears, clinging tightly to Kaneda as if he'll vanish if he dares let go with occasional anguished sounds in between ragged breaths.

It can't last. None of this ever could. There's too much pain separating them now to make up for it. Deep down, he knows this is pointless; it's letting someone he knows has to be an enemy now in close when he's at his worst... and he's too weak to dare pull away.]

[Tetsuo was so small in his arms, and not all of it was because of his physical size. Sure, he'd lost weight, too much if you ask him. They didn't have a lot back in Neo Tokyo, so eating regularly didn't always happen. It was based off of what they could lift from gas stations, what they could steal from other gangs, what they could swindle out of Harukiya's bartender...

But this was different. Tetsuo felt so small now. Like he had nothing left to stand on. Kaneda hadn't spoken to him properly in months, and if we're being optimistic, Pan had his claws sunk into him for longer than that.

Slowly bleeding Tetsuo out of anything good in his life.

Those arms don't move. The longer Tetsuo waits, the longer the amount of time he's held in those arms increases, too. There's no push away, there's no rejection. If anything, Kaneda's fingers trail up his back, towards where his hairline started at the base of his neck, running his fingers up and down, circling.

It isn't for a few moments that he speaks up again, voice hoarse and raspy.]

I was just worried.

[Nothing confrontational. Just the truth.]

Edited 2016-01-09 06:17 (UTC)

[Tetsuo's head shakes from side to side against Kaneda's shoulder.]

You just want something to rescue or... look after or something. If I don't need that, you don't give a shit.

Ehhhh?

[The muscles in Kaneda's chest tighten, eyes widening as he stares at the wall just behind Tetsuo.]

You really believe that???

[Fingers tighten against Kaneda's shirt until the knuckles whiten from strain. He should let go, shut up, and accept it; the words hurt him more to say and admit than to know deep down. But Tetsuo's never been strong enough to do things like that. There's still part of him that desperately wants to be wrong, clinging to the same false hope that reached out for him when Pan grabbed his heart, or kept him talking to him from the new Heropan Jungle... or whatever it was called.]

You didn't think I'd figure it out...?

Dammit, Tetsuo...

[There's no shove, or anything remotely pushing away. If anything, he holds him tighter against his body.]

That's NOT IT.

STOP it, Kaneda.

[It's no scream, like it should be. It's closer to a soft plea. The only violence he can even muster is tightening his hold on him, thumping his back weakly with a fist.]

I know you don't. You don't even want to.

I -always- did!

[His heart starts pounding a million beats a minute, unable to really control his own emotions right now. He'd just gotten him back and...

This is not how he expected to find him.]

Damn...you're so stubborn...

[Look who's talking.]

No, you didn't! When I got here, you wouldn't even talk to me. Like I didn't exist to you.

[Now that the words are there, they don't stop. He tries to make himself pull away, back tensing against Kaneda's arms and shoulders hitching tense enough to ache. What's the worst Kaneda can do to him that hasn't been done already - or that he hadn't already done? Confirm what he already knows? Then at least he'd know! Kill him? Pan already did...]

You didn't care what happened to me once I could do stuff! That was all I ever was to you, wasn't it? Something to make YOU look good...

I'm sorry!

[It comes out before he can stop himself. Just like last time, when Tetsuo was lying on the bed, Maya the only witness to it.]

I'm SORRY, okay?! I didn't mean ANY of it! I was--I didn't think I'd see you again and...I didn't know what to...

[None of his sentences are finishing, like he's starting a new one before he can even end the one before it.]

It was never about that!

[Tetsuo's head raises at the words, whole body tensing up until he's shaking from the strain. He's never heard Kaneda apologize. Not sincerely. Not when it mattered. Not... not aloud.

Not to him.

His throat clenches tightly, leaving his voice little more than a pained whisper. Don't do this, Tetsuo, don't start crying all over again...]

Then WHY?!

[It doesn't add up. All Kaneda's ever done here was trying to destroy or cut out anything Tetsuo did or found for himself, saying he knew about the headaches while never showing the slightest concern... he heard about them, and what did he do? He saw Ken try to kill him, and what did he do? Blamed Tetsuo for talking about shit he never would, and here he was telling secrets to outsiders.

Something like this all happened before; that's the worst part. The least Kaneda could do was toss him out again and finish the cycle. Kill him. Blame him. Something that would at least let it all fucking end.]

[Two words had never felt so exhausting. Because even after he'd let it out, gotten it off his chest, it didn't mean anything if Tetsuo didn't forgive him. Tetsuo, the one he always had...he kept feeling like was slipping through his fingers more and more.]

Maybe...

[No, he forces his mouth to keep going. If he pauses now, stops for any reason...it'll never be spoken of again. He can't afford that.]

Maybe I'm the one that needs you!

[His own eyes widen at what his lips say, the soft ice building on his heart as he realizes just how exposed he is. Any poke or stab now would hurt worse than any concrete, any lamppost. He'd take a million of those beatings over a slow, painful stab here. Fear grips his heart like it did back in Pan's jungle.

Only this time, no one's able to talk him down from it. All he can do is wait for Tetsuo's reaction.

And hope...just maybe...that his answer was good enough.]

[The sheer amount of trust that takes to say doesn't escape Tetsuo. He's never been able to admit how much he needs Kaneda. Rather... how much he doesn't want to have to need Kaneda, out of the fear that saying it will make it disappear.

Silence falls, punctuated only by shaky breathing, rapid heartbeats and the creak of leather as all the tenseness leaves his shoulders. Kaneda's left to support his whole weight as Tetsuo drops brokenly against him. If it's a lie... it's one he wants to hear so strongly he can't bear to refuse it.

All these years, it seemed that Kaneda never needed him. He saw the proof of it everywhere; Kaneda had a place, had people who cared, had food and clothing and everything he could ever hope to want here. He found someone better than Tetsuo .. and that was the end of it. All those years of following him around, watching Kaneda do something and then double around to walk Tetsuo through it, or come back to save or help or somehow prove again and again that Tetsuo couldn't do it on his own...

When they parted, Kaneda was fine. Tetsuo knew he wasn't, and looking back... he'd known it for a long time.]

...you really mean that?

[Keep talking, Kaneda. Unlike last time, screaming futilely against pavement as Tetsuo tests his powers... he's listening to what you're really saying.]

Edited 2016-01-10 04:23 (UTC)

Dammit...of COURSE I mean that...

[His voice sounds so tired, hoarse and raspy from the fight, from crying, from a lack of sleep. None of that really mattered right now, though, and he was pushing himself to say all this before he lets it stew in his mind until the next tragedy.

It's surprisingly easy to hold Tetsuo's weight up. He's considerably lighter than when he last remembered him.

Keep talking, Kaneda.]

You're my best friend.

[Words he wants to hear. Words that, by default, should lead to rage and bitterness. Tetsuo's too tired to find it in him.

His face presses back down to a wet shoulder, sniffing thickly]

Not because of me. [He presses his face down harder, clinging as if Kaneda'll vanish if he dares let go.] That was .. until you got someone better...

['What about Amada'.

He has to challenge it, just to be sure; if he doesn't now, the question will bother him forever, and he can't take not knowing anymore. He can't just accept what Kaneda's saying right away, there's too much that's happened. Pan's hinted too much, letting the concepts worm and take root in his subconscious until he can't separate the narratives anymore.]

Are?

[Kaneda's muscles tense in that hold, as if Tetsuo were trying to slip through his fingers at that very moment. Until he...got someone better?

What?

His eyes snap open immediately, cheek pressed into that mess of black hair.]

I never GOT someone better, idiot...

[But then Pan's message rings clear in his head.

"You've all but replaced him, anyways."]

Tetsuo...NO ONE can replace you.

That's not true. I can't do anything anymore, Kaneda. I'm not-

[Pan said he was important. He was special. He mattered. Only one person in all the world could do what he could. One day, he'd get to show them all what that was. In the end... anyone could die, and that's all Pan needed him for.

His shoulders heave again, new tears threatening, eyes raw already from his earlier crying session. Back when he had his powers, he had some reason to be brave. He could do something. He could always do something. But now, even if he still had those powers, he's still helpless and he knows it. All that false confidence, all that ego, all that rage and blindingly bright power overriding his brain evaporated, leaving only him behind. He's not the hurricane Wanda described anymore. He's not the psychic.

He's just Tetsuo.

And that's never been enough.]

...Anyone could.

I don't -want- ANYONE!

[It comes out before he can think, his eyes furiously biting back tears, although some may softly slide off into that hair he's resting his face on. He promised himself he'd never cry in front of Tetsuo. That he always needed someone strong to cry on.

Kaneda could do anything. He could defeat a magical entity. He could break a curse. He could make the impossible seem possible. His confidence poured out all around him as he walked, and people looked up to that. It was irritating and overbearing, and he probably made just as many enemies as he did friends. The streets he walked on were gold in his eyes. And everyone else could see it.

But no matter what Kaneda thinks, no matter what ANYONE thinks he can do...

In the end, he's just as human as the rest of them.

A street kid with no parents, making sure that his little brother didn't have to grow up in a world without hope.]

I just want my brother!

So shut up about this 'anyone' shit!

Edited 2016-01-11 06:51 (UTC)

[Brother.

Kaneda's loud enough to make his ears ring, his voice echoing in Tetsuo's head. He barely even hears what Kaneda says after it, fixated on that one, single word.

Brother.

Like a moth to a flame, he circled the concept, enticed by it even though he knew it only existed to hurt him. Family doesn't exist; it always leaves him behind in the end. By now, Kaneda fit that bill; he'd done that repeatedly. But unlike any family Tetsuo knew about, Kaneda always came back.

If it's a lie, it's one that Tetsuo can't turn away from. It's stupid to trust after Pan, stupid to let himself believe anyone could care... but they've had so many years when Tetsuo never questioned it. Even now, after throwing him through lamp post, walls, doors, Kaneda brought him home. Even after shooting him, even after disowning everything Kaneda associated with, and after throwing away everything familiar between them...

Kaneda's first instinct is to hold him as he cries.

But Kaneda let him die. Kaneda left him for dead at the swear in. Kaneda tossed him out at the very start, even though he actually said sorry.

It's hard to know what to think beyond the pained ball of hurt and fear. Deep inside him, he manages to find one more reserve of strength, just enough to tense his arms and hug tighter than ever, trembling with exertion, exhaustion and raw emotion. New tears run hot down his cheeks, but Kaneda's shoulder is already way too damp to make much difference.]

I can move mountains, I can work a miracle [OPEN]

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