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WHO: Everyone!
WHERE: An hour outside De Chima
WHEN: January 10-12
WHAT: imPorts are treated to a Swear-In that’s nothing but a weekend of relaxation at a brand new resort and spa!
WARNINGS: Possible mild nudity

It’s been a long few months, hasn’t it imPorts? Between the invading monsters (yikes!), evading the apocalypse (double yikes!) and then some fear toxin on behalf of your good pal Joker (triple yikes!), imPorts are overdue for a vacation. And wouldn’t you know it? One is coming right up.

Oh, yeah. It’s a Hot Springs Episode.

Welcome to Elysium Resort and Spa! When you come in, you’ll get a brochure with all of their offerings. They’re a little confused, perhaps, espousing relaxation ideals of every culture, clearly having just thrown all of their relaxation spaghetti at the wall to see if it sticks, but they’ve got the spirit! The smell of eucalyptus fills the air as you toe off your shoes and change into the slippers and robes that they have available for you as they usher you into what must be, for some, absolute paradise.

You can find rooms for all persuasions here, all purporting various health benefits. They have your typical fare - salt rooms, saunas, steam rooms, buckets of water with ladles resting in them to pour over the heaters to allow them to sizzle - but be warned! Some of these rooms climb up to ridiculous temperatures, leaving the bottoms of your feet red and toasty as you jump in (they suggest sandals, but who reads instructions anyway?), and other rooms are filled with ice as you’re plunged into what may as well be a walk-in freezer. Sometimes the doors are a little fiddly, though. Don’t worry - you won’t get trapped in here long enough for any real harm to come to you. But you might get a little uncomfortable as you rattle at the door, one of the employees eventually hurrying to let you out and offering their sincerest apologies, and won’t you have a gift certificate?

If those rooms aren’t enough for you, you can check out the baths. Salt baths, chilled baths, and hot tubs galore are here for imPorts, but that’s not all. Ever wanted to bathe in tea? In wine? Would you like to sink into a bath filled entirely with clay? How about getting all your dead skin chomped off by fish? It’s all here for you! Just try not to drink the bathwater - or, heavens, eat the fish. Those aren’t for you!

As imPorts stroll outside, they’ll see a beautiful vista overlooking the mountains, attached to a spacious hot springs (it’s natural, they claim, but who’s checking?) where imPorts can simply relax and enjoy the scenery. After that, why not pop inside to where some of the technicians will absolutely insist that you get a massage. Or a mani-pedi - yes, even you, big guy. Or, really, anything that your heart desires.

Once you’ve been poked and prodded and primped to your heart’s content (or discontent, as it may be), the spa open until the wee hours of the morning, it’s time to go and dine on some of the local cuisine, prepared fresh by the resort’s resident chef with a distinct eye to fresh, clean flavors and a truly ridiculous amount of salad. They want to make sure that you’re healthy inside and out, after all!

Before arriving at the spa, everyone was able to choose who they wanted to room with. But it seems that their systems got a bit scrambled during their grand opening, so you may find yourself bunking with a stranger instead. They’re deeply apologetic, of course, but it really would be easier for them if you’d just be nice for an evening and give it a shot. It’s only one evening, right? It’s not like you’ll be roomed with a serial killer. Probably. Given the imPort population there’s, what, a five percent chance?

The hotel rooms themselves are beautiful and spacious, each with a window looking out over the lovely view of the scenery below. It’s the perfect way to end your night… until 3 AM when an alarm begins to blare and all of the guests are ushered outside in the chilly winter air while firefighters come to check the place out. It’s a false alarm (some brat must have pulled it, the manager says apologetically, ready with more gift certificates), but hey, maybe this is a good chance to get to know your neighbors!

The next day, guests are free to take advantage of the resort’s facilities once more, or they can go hiking in the mountainous trails available to them, complete with regular rest stops with firepits, with the staff more than happy to pack lunchboxes and fixings for s’mores.

After they come back and have a thankfully uneventful night’s rest, buses will be ready to take them back to civilization, along with goodie bags filled with luxury goods and an earnest invitation to come back anytime! But maybe next time, wait a couple of months so they can iron out the kinks in their system.

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Pikachu, never one to be made out to be a liar, hits the water, sinks a bit and releases a sudden, surprised Thunderbolt. Archie is shocked. Various people in the water are shocked. And worst of all, Pikachu shocks himself, which is such a hard reset of his system that when he emerges from the water, gasping and still sparking a little bit...

...It's not Pikachu.

It is a fully clothed, dripping wet, glasses askew Harry Goodman looking deeply put out by this.

"What the hell?!"

As Archie said, Sharpedo does shift to tank most of the damage. Super effective, but it doesn't faint the shark Pokémon. It's sturdy. All Sharpedo suffers is some HP loss and a little bit of confusion as it rolls around in the water to shake the attack off. Archie himself can't help yelping in pain from the Thunderbolt. So that's what that feels like.

"Yo, Electric Boogaloo?" he calls out, moments before Harry emerges. "Oh. There you aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWHATTHEFUCK"

Harry screams too, because WHAT DID HE WAKE UP TO???

So now there's two grown men in the middle of a still-mildly sparking pool screaming at each other. "What just happened? What the hell?" Harry pivots so fast that he almost loses his footing and trips. He splashes a bit to keep himself upright. "Where's my phone? Fuck."

Pikachu better have a goddamned explanation for this.

He wades back a little in the water, still a little twitchy from the electricity. Recalls Sharpedo, because the poor thing looks like it's about to black out.

"I--I dunked Pikachu and you came up!"

...

"IS WATER THE SECRET CHANGE MECHANIC??"

"No!" Wait. "...Actually, that's a good question." He wades out of the pool himself and ends up, sopping wet and sprawled on the pavement. "I take showers every morning when I wake up and then I end up Pikachu again before I've made it to breakfast... I think."

Look, you try waking up every morning and then blacking out because you transformed into a Pokemon. Mystery Dungeon eat your heart out.

He tries to point angrily at Harry, but his bicep spasms slightly from the Thunderbolt and he ends up shakily pointing at the sky instead. An attempt was made.

"How are you not keeping a constant recording or diary of this already??"

Harry continues to just lay there, defeated, but still hunting for his phone. "We do! Sort of. You know, it's actually really stressful being two people, Archie."

Oh. There's his phone. Unsurprisingly, there's no new recordings from Pikachu, but he clicks on an old one just to show their extremely dedicated system.

Pikachu's voice, which is just Harry's voice, honestly says: "Heeey. It's Pikachu. I kinda need you to come out and do me a favor. I got a guy with a nullifier here and he'll explain everything. Okay, bye."

Harry drops the phone on his chest like it's a microphone. "This is my life."

Edited 2020-02-20 19:18 (UTC)

"Arceus, I'm so stupid..." he grumbles, pulling himself up next to Harry, laying face down. "I think my heart is fibrillating. That's not good..."

With considerable effort, he rolls over to look at Harry.

... "Well, nice to see you again, anyway."

"Oh yeah, likewise." That is genuine. Harry's a friendly guy even if his life is a constant cesspool of misery and woe. It could be worse. It could be so much worse.

He pushes himself up onto his elbows. Whelp. Time to make the most of it. At least it's not certain danger. "This is actually a really nice place. Do they give massages here? I could really go for a massage about now."