maskormenacelogs | Pull point plot!

[ He'd meant to keep silent a while longer, but he's too used to talking to Cordelia. That spurs a defensive mumble, ] I have all these feelings from him. The real Emperor.

Your older self?

[ A mute nod. ]

Are they good feelings or bad?

[ He lifts his head enough to give her a conflicted look.

Rather than respond verbally, he pushes a shred of that gnarled mess of feelings over to Cordelia, love-disgust-fear-yearning. ]

Edited 2016-04-01 15:20 (UTC)

[ She winces visibly, rubbing at her temple. ]

I'd say that's about right ...

[ Gregor hastily retracts it, not wanting to pain her.

He ends up falling silent again, looking down at his knees; one hand raises to tangle with his hair, like he can keep the pressure inside him down to manageable levels by physically holding it in. He's starting to get a headache. ]

Hey ...

[ She reaches out, folding an arm behind his back to tug him a bit closer, holding him warmly. ] Don't hold it all in.

[ He has to hold it all in, Gregor doesn't know another way to get through this. He's unconsciously emulating his mother's primary coping strategy, just as he had all through early childhood. He can't really remember the good times before the Pretendership, he'd been too young, apart from a profound, abiding love and loss for his mother. His father is a more abstract, distant sense of loss. His grandfather another, more akin to his father, but with a complex amalgamation of feelings centered around knowing he was the Emperor before him. The act he must follow, with a respectful but not fond legacy, the one who'd given him Aral as regent...

These are all things Gregor at fourteen is used to grieving over. He's not used to grieving over Miles, who's only nine-- eight, right-- and apart from his horrific medical problems, really doesn't warrant grief. If anything, his continued survival is a victory to be celebrated, and Gregor knows it. So why... does he feel like he's grieving?

He can do nothing but process grief the same way he's always done: curled in as tightly as possible with his arms and his legs, giving into a rush of sharp emotion and turning his head to press his face into whatever part of Cordelia he can reach, hiding. He's not crying, he's not near crying, he's just... so totally overwhelmed.

He remembers her sitting here like this with him through so many similar episodes when he was younger. They've gotten less frequent as he got older, especially with him now away at academy. Gregor wonders, dimly, if Cordelia at this age hasn't lost the habit of them. But she feels just the same. Warm and solid and the one person he knows who barely seems to realize what his title is at all. ]

[ She turns more towards him so she can wrap both arms around him, one hand cradling his head. She starts to rock lightly too, a little awkwardly with his tightly wrapped ball of a body, the hand in his hair petting soothingly.

A sick wave of nostalgia hits her at doing these familiar motions once again. How long had it been now, decades? She'd embraced Gregor whenever she saw him now, visits to Barrayar too few and far between to maintain any sort of decorum around that, but he probably held his own children like this now, easing them through their own fears and moments of panic. It's startlingly easy to slip back into this, recalling how a well-placed hand on his back would help cal his shivering, how rubbing the back of his neck soothes his nerves.

She puts it all to use now, and now one more she can try here. She opens the window between their minds wide and leaves it open, inviting him. She doesn't encroach on his mind's space though, God knows he has enough going on in there, but just tries to convey calm and warmth to him, a gentle breeze blowing through the window frame. ]

It's okay to let it out, love. It's safe here.

[Jim is out for an evening walk to get his strength up all considered. Maybe he'd swing by Spock's place and see exactly what Miles had harassed him with...]

[ Gregor hears someone walking up the path -- twigs or gravel crunching faintly underfoot -- and automatically withdraws from Cordelia, scrubbing at his face despite there not being any tear tracks, trying to straighten up. ]

[ Dammit, she curses silently, but she lets Gregor withdraw, still keeping one hand on his back. Her other arm that was wrapped around his front drops to her own knee as she looks to see who it is.

... Ah. This could be strangely fortuitous. She calls out once he's close enough. ]

Jim, is that you?

[He hears his name called from one of a couple of figures he was about to pass by...

He turns towards them and sees the red hair, the voice is familiar, she looks different but relatively the same...]

Cordelia?

[He walks a bit closer to get a better look.]

[ He's coming closer.

Gregor is definitely composing himself now, lowing his hands from his face, feet dropping to the ground to sit normally. But his elbows are still pulled in close and his hands are a tense knot on his lap, head bowed enough that all he can see is his pale hands.

Hopefully they'll just ignore him. He really shouldn't have run off somewhere public... but he'd had nowhere else to run to. ]

[ She presses on Gregor's back reassuringly, sending a quick It's okay across the link to him.

To Jim she says, ] I know, I look a bit different now. I was wondering if you could help me for a moment.

[He's moving slowly, more carefully than before all of this wonky timeline stuff started happening. He stops in front of the two of them.]

Yeah, whatever's going on around here seemed to mess with a lot of us.

[He looks to her side and sees a dark-haired teen, barely able to see his profile with his head ducked. Combining that with how Miles had been and sitting with Cordelia...]

Hey Gregor, almost didn't see you there. [Joking. He turns back to Cordelia.]

Sure, what's up?

[ Gregor's surprised to be recognized. It pings something in the back of his brain, just enough for him to slowly recognize him.

Softly, ] Hello, Lieutenant Kirk. [ So he's not gone totally mute, at least. Gregor's mostly left that stage in his life. He just... prefers not to talk. ]

[ Oh good, that's a good sign. She gestures for Jim to take a seat beside her, letting Gregor be safe on his own side. ]

You're close enough to a Betan. I need you to help me walk through some things.

[Jim lifts an eyebrow at Cordelia's comment. Hadn't Gregor and Miles explained a bit about being Betan...? He'd think about it later.

He takes one last look at Gregor before sitting on Cordelia's other side, grateful to sit, considering he still wasn't feeling 100% (and probably wouldn't until he worked himself back up properly).]

Uh...sure? Like what?

Well there's several things wrapped up into it, but I'll fill you in as we go, [ she starts with, matter-of-factly and blunt, waving a hand past the details. ] But the brunt of it is about same-sex relationships.

[Jesus what the hell did he just get himself into?]

...Uh?

[ Gregor stirs. There's a definite note of protest as he buts in with, ] Cordelia--

[ She overrides them both, ] Now Jim, presuming two men care deeply for each other, there's nothing wrong in them sleeping with one another, right?

[The look he gives her is his best non-verbal way of saying How could you do this to me considering who you are?]

No, nothing.

[Sticking to your questions only, Cordelia.]

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