Kaneda Shotaro [金田 正太郎] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rassera) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
maskormenacelogs2016-01-01 03:35 pm
rassera) wrote in maskormenacelogs2016-01-01 03:35 pm
Entry tags:
- † barnaby brooks jr. | n/a,
- † hazel lockwood | n/a,
- † ikki minami | sky king,
- † kaneda shotaro | n/a,
- † kazuma mikura | flame king,
- † ken amada | n/a,
- † komasan | the youkai king,
- † kururu sumeragi | pledge queen,
- † manolo sanchez | n/a,
- † max caulfield | n/a,
- † maya fey | the pink princess,
- † mewtwo | n/a,
- † minato arisato | n/a,
- † qubit | n/a,
- † rick grimes | n/a,
- † riku | darkeater,
- † tetsuo shima | n/a,
- † the iron bull | the iron dragon,
- † yayoi nakayama | roaring queen
I can move mountains, I can work a miracle [OPEN]
WHO: The residents of Nonah 05 + YOU!
WHERE: Nonah, Residence #005
WHEN: All month long (January)
WHAT: Nonah 05 open log for January Shenanigans
WARNINGS: Obligatory Bull and Tetsuo warnings apply.
Starters will be appearing in the comments. If you want something specific from any one person (Kanedarassera, Tetsuo iamtetsuo, Bull rideme and Ken amadaman), feel free to drop them a line and ask! Otherwise, feel free to add your own starters for the whole household or individual residents as you like.
WHERE: Nonah, Residence #005
WHEN: All month long (January)
WHAT: Nonah 05 open log for January Shenanigans
WARNINGS: Obligatory Bull and Tetsuo warnings apply.
Starters will be appearing in the comments. If you want something specific from any one person (Kaneda
rassera, Tetsuo iamtetsuo, Bull rideme and Ken amadaman), feel free to drop them a line and ask! Otherwise, feel free to add your own starters for the whole household or individual residents as you like.
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[The smile disappears like it was never there. One blink, and it falls, and Ken almost looks like he's showing less emotions than Minato does.
Then comes crashing the sadness again.]
I... I'm staying with Aragaki-san right now.
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...
[Just when he brings back one, he loses another.
See that face, Ken? That's the face of a kicked dog. He's doing everything he can to keep this group together.
Why isn't it working?]
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Would he be?
He averts his gaze.]
If I'm around... Tetsuo-san will be upset. You finally got him back.
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He can't even deny that Tetsuo would be. He'd only just convinced the guy that he hadn't replaced him with Ken.
But he didn't want to kick Ken out of the house he belonged in...]
And what about you?
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Ken's voice is quiet when he answers.]
I promised myself I'd help. I have-- I have people who'll take me in.
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With a hand reaching out to Ken's back, he starts turning him to walk down the sidewalk, towards Nonah's docks just a little ways away.]
And how long are you gonna stay there, huh?
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I dunno. As long as I need to?
I considered just moving.
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Hell, he's been shot multiple times. By both friend and foe, and every time he felt the vibration of the bullet against him. Feeling his skin and bones literally stop it in its tracks. It hurt, he remembered every bruise he got from them, and the feeling of pulling the flattened piece of metal out of his skin each time.
But when Ken says that last sentence--
I considered just moving.
He stops, reaching the start of the docks and listening to the wood paneling squeak under his boots. It's the only sound made, though, as he lets go of that shoulder.]
Like hell I'm letting that happen.
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He feels the dam inside him, damaged from all the hits it took from the past few weeks, start to quake, straining against the pressure inside. He had held on for so long. He wasn't trying to be self-sacrificial; he genuinely believed that this was for the best. But there's Kaneda, trying to pull him back as usual.
Trying to keep him anchored even as he tried with all his might to let himself be swept away.]
... It's not like I wanted to leave, [he says, and the words that follow come spilling out.] It's not like I'm leaving because I want to. That house used to be where I could go and be okay, but it's not anymore.
[His voice shakes and comes out a pitch higher, his throat tightening -- no, he doesn't want to cry -- as he says what he'd been thinking for a long time now,] Even though I was there first.
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He was the one so determined to save one piece of his family, only to lose another.
One more step, and he's right behind Ken, close enough to hear his ragged breathing between holding back a sob. Close enough to put a hand on that shoulder to turn him around. Turn and see the face of a kid who tried so hard to keep Kaneda's family together and sacrifice the one he had for it.
Teeth sink into his chapped lips, biting hard enough to split. He'd failed Ken. He'd failed Tetsuo, too. And Maya, and Bull...
Charlie.
And in that moment, when Ken's voice shoots an octave higher, the pressure of everything weighing down on him like crashing waves...Kaneda's speechless. There's nothing he can say to make this better. All he can do is shake his head at him, dark eyes apologizing in ways words just won't suffice.
Ken -was- there first.
That's when he can only say one thing, his eyes staring right into Ken's, hand gripping that shoulder tightly as he tries to steady his own voice. He had to be the strong one. That's what the older brother does.]
You deserve better.
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[No, don't look at him. Kaneda's hand grips him tightly and holds him in place, but Ken brings his own hands up to cover his face. Both his shoulders and his voice shake now and he can do nothing to control it. Kala-Nemi does nothing to stop him now, spinning silently in the back of his mind as he thinks about all that has happened. All the nights he spent sleepless while Tetsuo screamed two doors down. All the days he tried to hide how he jumped at the ruckus he and Kaneda made. All the bruises he hid after Tetsuo shoved him around, the times that he had things stolen from out of his hand.
He lost his uniform and only had patches of it left, and now he's sleeping on somebody's couch. And Minato knew, now. Minato had found out. Kaneda got Tetsuo back and suddenly Ken found himself without a place he felt safe or a purpose to drive himself forward for.
He could've pushed it all back. Wrapped it up tight and hid it deep in his heart. Kala-Nemi would've helped him. She would have hid it inside her like she had done for him many times before. But Kaneda's hand is warm and his voice sounds so pained, and this voice had saved him so many times before and Ken had missed it so much. it had been so long since he let himself talk to him.]
So what? [and the first tear falls from behind his hands to disappear into the dark around them.] You never get what you deserve. How hard does someone have to work to get what they deserve? [His voice breaks at the end into a sob.] I just wanted somewhere to belong. I finally had a home.
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Maybe he'd assumed too much of Ken, wrongfully. The boy who'd always been by his side, even into Pan's jungle had only lost everything he ever wanted. And did it with a smile on his face and soft determination hidden underneath those brown eyes. Kaneda was none the wiser, either. All this time he liked to think he protected Ken. In some ways he did. But it was nothing compared to what Ken gave up for him.
He gave up another chance at family just so Kaneda could have it once.
Ken's voice breaks, and arms immediately wrap around the boy, one hand around his shoulders, the other reaching up. Fingers thread through that mess of brown hair, the way they always did. Kaneda never asked him, and for awhile, he could tell it irritated him. But he kept doing it, affection hidden underneath a teasing gesture, letting his fingers untangle the knots and snags that his unkempt hair created. In some ways, he did it for himself, and he studies the way his fingers move in and out of those strands of hair. It was calming, much like Ken himself.
Arms wrap tighter, hand pressed into his back while the other keeps weaving in and out of that mess of hair. Pressing him until his breath can be heard in unison with Ken's. He doesn't cry; he's already shed too many tears for that. But there is a certain shake to his breathing, like someone who's trying to keep it together.
Just like he always would for him.]
You have a home.
[His voice hitches, as if he's trying to work out what he wants to say in his head first. He wants this to get through to Ken, because by now he's worked out the self-sacrificial attitude the kid's taken on.
If Tetsuo represented his right hand, Ken represented his left.It takes a moment, working his way over the sentence as he continues to speak, swallowing hard just before he goes on.]
Right here.
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But Kaneda's eyes had softened then. He had the look of a man who'd finally seen the end, and Ken had stumbled upon it once they all stumbled back to Nonah: Kaneda and Tetsuo calling each other's names softly, without the anger that used to be there, as things should always have been for them.
Things were the way they were supposed to be, and Ken, who knew the pain of losing what was important, also knew more than they did the joy of having that important thing. Didn't they deserve that chance after all that happened? Maya's laughter soon joined their noise, and when Ken realized that he wasn't a part of this scene, but only listening to it happen from the other side of a closed door, he couldn't help but feel that that was it. This was not his place anymore. Kaneda and Tetsuo will not heal if he's there.
But Kaneda is still here, right now, trapping Ken almost with the way he holds him. He squeezes his eyes shut against the press of more tears, tries to ignore the way he strokes his hair. A lot of people did that for him, just as his mother had, but he doesn't want that now. How could he tell himself he's okay if other people are seeing right through him and offering comfort? He's fine, he's fine. He knew this was how it was going to end before he appeared in front of Kaneda that day and declared that they were going to take down Pan.]
How can you say that? You know-- you've got to know why he kept hurting me. As long as I'm near you Tetsuo-san will get upset again. He doesn't want me there, but you need him. I can't... I can't win against that. [His voice grows quieter still and shakes, no longer holding on to the composure Ken always tried to have.] What Tetsuo-san has with you... I lost that the day my mom died. And I--
[He doesn't want to spend another day wondering when the next blow will come. He doesn't want to spend another day fearing that Kaneda will see what happened and still try to save Tetsuo, as he had when it happened in November. He doesn't want to see the looks on Jaime and Minato's faces as Ken still defended Tetsuo, even as he cut out the only salvageable piece of what little he had left of SEES and threw out the rest. Tetsuo only took away from him, and Ken still can't bring himself to take anything back. But if he lets go of everything, there's nothing more to be taken, right?]
I don't want to go through what he put me through again.
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But that's not what he's talking about, when he says that.]
You once said, a home isn't always physical, you know? The people you're around, they're what make a home. I didn't get it at first...it sounded kind of stupid, you know? A home is a building--that's what I thought it was.
When I said you're home, I didn't mean going back there. Like hell I'm putting you through that. [Instead of saying any more, he rolls down the cuff of his glove, showing that ribbon Ken had untied from his uniform. One of the last bits that had been saved from Tetsuo's attack. And the one thing that gave him comfort in that jungle. It was a piece of Ken that was always with him.] Your home is here.
[With me.
It's only then that he pulls back from Ken completely, leaning down to look into those eyes.]
I want you to know something, alright? No, you -NEED- to know something, so listen.
I..--
[His voice stops, like his mouth physically wouldn't go any farther than that. That voice is just no longer there, stammering to make some kind of sound that isn't just a huff of air. Trying his damned hardest to work it out. But it doesn't come.
He's frustrated by the way his vocal chords completely shut down, and all he could do was hope Ken would understand. Hoping that his actions and body language would speak what his mouth failed to do.
He wanted to say it so bad. One three word phrase he'd wanted to tell Tetsuo the night he came back to Nonah 05, choking on the same word.
I love you]
no subject
And though the words are never spoken, Ken suddenly get a feeling he knows what they were supposed to be. It's almost like Kala-Nemi is whispering in his ear to tell him, the way they just occur to him the way they do. And it's Kala-Nemi's presence that puts something in motion again like a piece of clockwork falling into place after a long time of being broken.
In many stories, characters find someone to be their one and only over the course of the plot. A lonely man finds someone to trust; a woman surrounded by many friends finds the most special of them all. Ken had read many such stories, and some people might say he found his, too, then cast a glance over to the boy with the blue cap he often spent time with. But Ken would secretly disagree; to Ken, his one and only was a woman who died years ago -- the person who had tirelessly raised him and unconditionally loved him, someone he'll never get to see again, someone he loved like he would never love anybody else. Ken's one and only, and the person Ken was a one and only to, no longer existed, and Ken had instead started to learn what it meant to accept lots of people into his life. He'd spent the last year learning what it meant to be loved by a lot of people, and what it meant to love a lot of people, and he'd found happiness in that.
As the tears continue to roll down his cheeks, he raises his hands to Kaneda's shoulders. His arms follow, and he takes a step forward to close the distance Kaneda opened as he wraps them around his neck. Kaneda's straight black hair pokes at his face before he hides it against the collar of his jacket, and he finally lets out a breath he was holding.
What Tetsuo had with Kaneda, Ken lost the day he lost his mother. He was born knowing who his one and only was, and he lost her before he gained anything else. He never wanted to shove his way into anybody else's space, and he had fought hard, harder than anybody expected of him, to make sure that these people didn't experience the same fate he did that night even if it meant losing one of the most important things he gained. He charged on knowing that the ground was crumbling beneath him, and he'd known that it was since the moment he realized that it was Tetsuo he tried to kill in August.
And just like when he tried to run away in August when he first sensed the end approaching, Kaneda was here to pick him back up. He fists his hands in his shirt like he had done many, many times before, and nods, once.]
I can still be with you?
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Small hands cling to the back of his neck, fingers threading through his fine black hair and clinging like a lifeline. He knew the hold well--when someone wanted to be held in return. Sometimes to cry, sometimes just to feel safe. Maybe even both. And Kaneda's not going to deny him that as his arms wrap around the kid, feeding off each other's warmth and affection in the crisp evening air.
And In that moment, Kaneda can almost swear he feels Kala-Nemi too. Her rhythm synced with Ken's, and his own too. At that moment, all three of them are perfectly in sync, like they were in the fight against Peter Pan. She knew his words he wanted to say, he could tell. And if she knew them, then he knows that the message went to Ken too. He'd say them one day, when Ken can come back to Nonah 05 without a fight.
When Kaneda can have not one, but two brothers.
His right and left hands.]
Oi...you think you can run away?
[Strong arms hold strongly around Ken's shoulders, keeping him in an embrace that seemed to melt the frost around them. His breath was warm and steady, and if you felt it, his eyes failed to bat back a tear or two that so desperately wanted to fall.
What Tetsuo had with Kaneda was something special. His one connection to home. Everything he's ever fought for since the day he'd arrived. The one thing he wanted to protect more than anything, for fear of losing it meant losing a part of himself. Ken isn't that.
Ken is something different.
Because he too owned a piece of Kaneda's heart, a part that was born in this world, that didn't have to be taken from Tetsuo, because it had been his all along. A section of it made for both Ken and Kala-Nemi, beating in sync with their heartbeats.]
I'd chase you down every time.
[But with that, there's a pause, and his voice is softer, not even above a whisper.]
Brothers...that's what they think we are. Guess it wouldn't be too bad, huh?
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It melts away the wall Ken had built around himself these past few months. He had secrets to keep and fights to fight, and after people like Crane and Pan, he couldn't feel safe to let his guard down. He was vulnerable; Ken knew that well. But here, with Kaneda, he can be safe. And he doesn't have to leave his side.
Brothers... that's what they think we are.
Kaneda is not the only person to treat him like family, nor is he the first. But in this moment, he's the one giving Ken this love when he needed it the most, and his are the words that knocked right into him as his shell was crumbling. The dam holding back Ken's feelings doesn't stand a chance.
Kaneda will hold him. Kaneda will be here. Shinjiro and Minato, his mother, are all dead. They're already gone. One day, he'll part ways with Kaneda, too. But he's here right now, and he's safe, and it's knowing that he'll still hold him together that allows Ken to finally fall apart. The soft gasp turns into a soft, mournful wail and nothing can stop his tears now.]