maskormenacelogs | OCTOBER CATCH-ALL

[Something about that doesn't sit right with Jaime. Perhaps it's hypocritical of him, considering that he had willingly kept Minato's death a secret from Ken for around a year now, but it still doesn't sit right with him. He's well acquainted with the necessity of secrets, and the importance of keeping some of them, but the difference here is that Minato will never have the opportunity to catch up ever again. Here and now is his only opportunity, and as painful as it may be, wouldn't he want to know the truth?

He laces his fingers loosely together, trying to put his thoughts together. Minato struggles more with his own death than any of them are aware of, in ways that Jaime cannot entirely comprehend. Would it help or hurt to know that Ken has experienced it, and more importantly, that he has managed to move on? Minato seems to think of himself with regards to what he can do for others. Maybe knowing that others can move on would be a way of helping him figure his own crap out.

In the end, he only has one thing to ask:] What happened to SEES?

We disbanded, [he says simply, but from the way he says it, it's clear it's not the only thing he's going to say. SEES disbanding in and of itself is not a most terrible thing. It was more than a little scary for them after being so deeply involved with one another for so long under the name, but with the Dark Hour gone, it was the logical next step. But Ken knows that that wasn't entirely the case. Unconsciously, by returning the armbands and Evokers and closing out the dormitory as soon as possible, they were trying to leap blindly into the future so they could forget the past, because unlike with everything else, Minato's death hadn't had an answer. And the result of that was...]

We-- [he starts, stops, and bites his lip. He takes in a slow breath and sighs it out before he continues.] We didn't know what to do after he was gone. There was no clear explanation with him, and there was nothing for us to fight after that, either. The funeral ended, school ended, and we returned our Evokes and armbands and were going to close the dorm. We thought that meant we were moving forward. But that night -- the last night we were going to spend in the dorm -- time stopped and we got trapped inside.

The Abyss of Time... while we were there, we had to face the shape of our regrets, and after that, we were given a choice. Whether we wanted to return to the past or the future. [As Ken talks, slowly but not too slowly, only carefully enunciating his every word, he raises one hand and touches his face, right over his left cheekbone and right under the same eye.] We got into a disagreement over that and we fought each other, over whether we wanted to go back and save him, or accept his death and move on.

[Their disbandment doesn't come as a surprise. What else could they do, really? There would be no more Shadows to fight, their leader had given up his life, and Shinji was dead. Jaime may not know most of SEES, but sometimes he takes a step back and looks at all of the people that he's met from Ken's world - whether they stuck around for a long time or not - and marvels at the fact that they're all so different from each other. Maybe they could rally together for a single cause, but at the end of the day, it's harder to keep friends than it is to make them. Jaime's seen it himself many times, as Titans that he hardly knew left with a quiet apology and never looked back.

It's the part about stopping time that surprises him. If their answer had been as simple as the answers that Ken had given Jaime, then he wouldn't be hesitating so much, would he have been? It's almost unthinkable that someone would give up saving the world to save a single person, but Jaime can understand that overwhelming hope that they may one day figure out a way to save both. It should be possible to save both, after all. There's no justice in someone like Minato having to give up his life for a world that never even seemed to care about him all that much -- or at least not while he was growing up.

He'd seen Minato as a child, after all.

Seeing Ken having to breathe deep to tell his story makes Jaime want to reach out and grab his shoulder, or bump against him like he normally does when they're sitting together, but sitting apart like this? He's too far away. All he can do is sit and listen.]

That's not a fair choice to give anyone. People a lot more experienced than you with time travel probably go crazy over those kinds of decisions.

[Booster must have. Jaime's never asked Booster if he's tried to go back to save Ted. Honestly, he's a little afraid to.]

After you fought... after you fought, who won?

[In Ken's world, Minato is dead. That means one of two things: they either decided to move into the future, or they went back, only to discover that there was no way to save Minato and the world. Both are equally plausible.]

... Aigis-san did.

[Ken rubs at his cheek again, tracing a cut that's long since healed over fully. Had that been a bullet from Aigis, or had it been Metis' ax? He doesn't remember which it was that grazed him so close to his eye, and he remembers the bullet that sliced across Akihiko's cheek, too. It was a real fight, then. Aigis, Junpei, and Koromaru did not want to fight, but for the rest of them, pushing through with their beliefs was more important than anything else.

Maybe it wasn't right. It definitely wasn't, not when they valued each other so much and -- Junpei was probably right. It wasn't what Minato would have wanted. He closes his eyes momentarily.]

Sanada-san and I argued against Yukari-san's wish to go back. If we went back and couldn't stop the Fall the second time, then Minato-san's sacrifice would've been wasted. Everybody who gave their lives for this would have died in vain. I couldn't stand it. But... I understand how she feels, too. If I could -- if I had the ability, I still wish I could save my mom.

But it was Aigis-san. She was the one who got the key in the end.

[Jaime's not surprised that Akihiko wanted to support Minato's choice as strongly as Ken did. He's the sort of guy to respect someone's last, dying wishes -- or, at least, someone whose dying wishes were as well thought out and determined as Minato's were.

Aigis, though...]

I remember you telling me about her. Shinji told me about her too. Minato's everything to her, isn't he?

[That's not unlike a certain AI he knows. If it took destroying the world to get Jaime back, he honestly has no illusions that Khaji wouldn't do it, not unless Jaime gave him strict instructions to the contrary.

And even then, he's not so sure.]

What was her decision?

I think she said she'd found her meaning of life in protecting him. She was created only for destroying Shadows. She was a robot, but she was given a personality so she could have a Persona, and she was always thinking about what it meant to be "alive."

[He finally drops his hand as he tears his mind away from the death match they had. And instead of answering Jaime's question, he asks one of his own:]

Did you ever get to meet Ryoji-san when he was here? Did Minato-san tell you about him?

[Jaime pauses for a moment, startled at the sudden change of topic when Ken had been so forthcoming with the rest of his answers. There has to be a point to this, though, which means that he'll just play along for now.

He's met so many people from so many different places that it actually takes him a moment to remember.]

I only met him a couple times, but we never talked much. I mean, we talked, but it was just about stupid stuff.

[Nothing like this, or anything that he talks about to Ken. It was the same old small talk that he'd use on anyone else.]

Why?

Mm. It's because he's why. He's the reason why Aigis-san was so attracted to Minato-san at first. This is actually something he told me before, but when Minato-san first started seeing the Dark Hour, one of those larger full-moon Shadows was sealed inside of him. It was more like one piece of the whole... but that one, Death, is what later appeared in front of us as Ryoji-san.

[It's a very simplified explanation, but it'll have to do for now.]

Aigis-san didn't remember anything at first, but she was always saying he was dangerous and trying to keep him away from Minato-san. But eventually, she realized that he cared about him even without Death's presence. Just... when she finally reached the answer, Minato-san passed away.

[Jaime needs a second once more, but this time, judging by the expression on his face, it's because he's surprised. He knows that he doesn't have the full story at hand - he still doesn't know what the story is with Yukari, Fuuka, Mitsuru or Junpei, all of which he's heard of more than he actually acknowledges - but sometimes it still baffles him what huge pieces of the puzzle he's missing.

Evidently the physical personification of Death who looks like a cheerful teenaged boy who drunkenly danced around a maypole is one of them. God, Ken's life is weird, and Jaime's life is weirder still by proxy alone.]

Okay, [he says, a little slowly.] I didn't know about the whole Death thing. Uh, the capital-D death thing, I mean.

[He knows all about the lowercase-d deaths!]

So what does that mean for her decision in the end, anyway? If she figured out that she cared about Minato no matter what, then how much could that change?

[Ken has to blink at that. He didn't know. He's honestly surprised. But then again, he also isn't. There was a lot Ken told him, and there was probably a lot Minato told him, but SEES as a whole was never that big on filling in holes. Until recently to Ken, the whole Death thing made no sense. He knows he himself never mentioned it before.]

You and I, I think will see it differently. If someone you cared about passed away, you would probably think about what you could do for them even then. What'll make them happy, right?

[He shrugs his shoulders. Not to brush anything off, but just... a gesture. He couldn't think of anything else to do.]

For Aigis-san, it's different. Apparently ever since she woke up, all the should about was Minato-san. For her, protecting him was everything, but she barely grasped the concept of being alive when he died, you know? When Minato-san died, for Aigis-san that was it, her purpose in life disappeared with him. But she understands the importance of ending the Dark Hour, too, because of what she was created for.

While the rest of us were fighting with each other about what we thought was right, Aigis-san continued to think about Minato-san. When she won... she said she wanted to go back and see the moment of the miracle before she could make any last decisions.

[Ken's right, in a way, but Jaime has been fortunate enough not to encounter much death in his short life. He has encountered it in the abstract, in people going home while Jaime is forced to accept their potential fate, and he has encountered it in his grandparents. Other than that, those who have died around him have been relative strangers, whether they were attempting to conquer the world or if they were little more than innocent bystanders caught in the fray.

It's true, though, that he has focused on what they would have wanted, what would do their memories justice, even if their wishes would be for his own happiness. You can't force happiness, but it's easier to move on, knowing that that's what they would have wanted.]

The miracle... she meant his death, didn't she?

[He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to imagine it through her eyes, through the eyes of any SEES member. To be present at that moment would be nigh intolerable, wouldn't it?]

So you went back not to change anything, but to watch his last moments.

[He says it like a statement, but there's something lingering in his tone, a question in his eyes.]

... No. [Ken shakes his head.]

Minato-san held on for a month. He died at the beginning of March, but we faced Nyx in January. Between that battle and his death, we didn't remember anything about the Dark Hour, about Shadows, Persona, or about SEES. We were just people who hardly knew each other living in the same dorm. By the time we remembered and met up where were promised to, he'd fallen asleep.

[The fact that they'd forgotten, that they only remembered just in time, and the fact that they had not been able to tell him anything before he slipped away. All those had been factors that fed into their guilt and regret. They didn't know anything.]

We decided to go back to the moment he did it, at that battle, when he went up into the sky to defeat Nyx. Back then... all we could do was watch his back.

[Jaime opens his mouth, then closes it again.

He didn't think he would be learning so much about this whole thing now. All he had wanted out of this conversation was to hear from Ken's own mouth that Minato is dead at the time that he's from, and that somehow, he's still managed to claw his way into being okay. Despite knowing how rife with obstacles Minato's journey was, despite knowing how supernatural his role in death seemed, he didn't think that it would get that much more complicated.

He was, of course, wrong. When it comes to SEES, he usually is. It's hard for him to look past the idea of everyone somehow gaining amnesia, of Minato sinking into death alone. He'll ask more about that later, perhaps, but right now, he's focused on exactly where Ken's coming from, not the reasoning behind all of the weirdness that plagues their lives.

For a moment, he's not sure what else to say but how awful, but of course, he moves on.]

That must have been hard on you -- it must have been hard on all of you. So when you did go back... what changed?

We found out the truth. We saw what happened to Minato-san, and we found out why we did it. Minato-san's still there, fighting.

[Ken's gaze had slowly, gradually slid down until he was speaking to his hands in his lap. But now, he looks up again, determined not to avert his eyes. He felt bad dumping the truth of all his world's tragedies on Jaime before, and a part of him still does now, but if he stops now, Jaime will be left with more questions. As long as they're asked, he wants to give the answers.]

Even if we went back to that fight, Minato-san will probably have to make the same choice. Nyx wasn't the enemy we had to defeat to fight off the Fall. Nyx was coming because of us. Because of humanity itself... deep down, everyone is unconsciously seeking death as a confirmation for their life. Those emotions gave birth to a monster, and if it comes in contact with Nyx, the world will end. Minato-san sealed Nyx away so Erebus wouldn't reach it.

[This makes no sense to Jaime.

A part of that may be his own fault, his own failure to grasp the metaphysical, but a lot of it has to do with it all being complicated too, based on a world that's so far away from his own that he's left grasping at the strands of familiarity. Just because he can connect with the people from that world doesn't mean that he understands that world's mythology, its truths and what makes it run at the most fundamental level.

The good thing is, he doesn't have to understand. All that's important to him is not understanding how the world works, but understanding how it affects the people in it. As long as he stays focused on what he really cares about and the people he cares about, he can at least make an attempt to stay focused on only the most salient details.

So there's Death, and there's Nyx, and there's amnesia, and there's Erebus. There's philosophy about human views on mortality, and how that influences the course of life itself. Okay. That's fine.

Because as long as he can understand what parts are important to Ken and to Minato, he's on the right track.]

Okay, [he says, finally. At a loss, he repeats himself.] Okay.

I've known that Minato's had to... keep on fighting, instead of passing on, [he confesses next, fingers intertwining and brow knitting together as he attempts to voice even half of what's on his mind.] But is what you're saying that you guys going back didn't change anything except for the fact that you guys found out what really happened?

[He pauses, and a part of him remembers being close to death himself, in the wide expanse of space, and feeling the chilliness of true solitude. That alone is what spurs him to ask, however tentatively,]

Or... does that mean that you got to be there for him at the end?

No. We saw the moment he sealed Nyx away.

But, um... this is a part I don't really understand, either. But if we enter into a past that everybody present has experienced, we're able to move about and interact with it instead of just watching. There was nothing we could do about what Minato-san did, but Erebus reacted to Aigis-san's presence and attacked us, so we had to fight it.

After that... well, we couldn't stay floating in space for a month. We went through the door seeking that moment, so once it passed, we had to leave.

[Thinking back on it, perhaps it would have been nice to be able to live that last month differently, spending time with Minato than living as strangers, but they couldn't, and it would probably create some strange paradox they wouldn't know what to do with. Time is best left to run its course, and it's best that they seek their tomorrow.]

... We went 'on'. If we wanted to help Minato-san in any way, it was by living.

Oh.

[Jaime's not sure what to say to that, because while Ken says that this is the part that he doesn't understand, Jaime doesn't really understand any of it. Later, once Ken leaves, he'll replay the conversation in his head and try to make sense of the way their world works, but right now? He'll just have to trust the accuracy of Ken's statements.

But in the end, it seems, nothing changed by them going back. They watched their friend die one more time, and that was it. It seems senseless, but who knows? Maybe seeing his resolve would help them move on.]

I'm not going to say it makes sense to me, Ken, [Jaime has to admit, expression earnest.] But I'm sorry you guys had to go through that on top of everything else, and... I'm glad that you could at least make the decision to move on. That is what he would want -- what he does want.

And it sounds like that's what you're finally moving towards, isn't it?

I hope so. [He answers so, mostly thinking about Aigis and Yukari as he does, but he then remembers that Jaime can't possibly be speaking of them; he doesn't know them.] I mean-- I'm okay. I have Kala-Nemi. As long as I have her, I can remember to keep going forward. Aragaki-san told me a long time ago that you have to keep going. Even if it isn't fair, even if it hurts. I didn't remember it! But I wonder... if I can get close to that one day.

[Ken's opinion and view of Shinjiro has done a serious 360. It's undoubtedly a result of their growth here, but the sixth months he'd spent away had only amplified them. He smiles a little to himself.]

For Minato-san-- I don't think I can keep it from him forever. But even if I can show him that I'm okay, before I do I want to hear it from him that he wants to live, that he's okay with it, and that he wants to give it his best here.

[Jaime knows an awful lot about Minato already. He gets how the guy ticks, more than a lot of other people do, he suspects. That doesn't mean that Jaime knows him best - that honour could very well go to Ken, or Akihiko or Shinji, or his boyfriend, or any number of people - but he thinks that he understands how his mind works about half the time.

But contrary to what he does as a living, Jaime admires honesty and transparency. He can see why it would be difficult for Minato to hear when Ken's from and why Ken would want to postpone such a hard conversation to have, but he doesn't know if he actually understands why Ken would wait quite so long.

After all, having Minato say something like that out loud, something for himself and about himself... that would take time.]

You'll shouldn't keep it from him forever. He deserves to know. I'm not gonna tell him myself or anything, but... why are you waiting for him to say all that?

[Ken, for once, doesn't know how to explain it. But at the front of his mind is the picture of Minato, sitting in his De Chima kitchen with his hands on his knees and not looking at him as he said it was easier when the Dark Hour and the fighting gave him direction. He thinks again about little, little Minato curled up on his bed frightened into silence. He thinks about all the other times when Minato must have looked at him and Shinjiro and Akihiko and Ryoji and Elizabeth and maybe had thought about everything he had saved. Everything he had lost?

And then... and then...]

Because he's the same as us. He said the same things that we thought -- an answer that's given has no worth, Jaime-san. Being told the truth by someone else doesn't always save people.

[The chili will probably grow cold by the time Ken remembers it again. He's forgotten that they were eating as he looks Jaime in the eyes, determined to stand his ground but at the same time desperate to have Jaime understand if he could. Ken has never felt more desperate to do the right thing until this, and it terrifies him. As he continues, he starts to speak faster and his voice rises a little.]

What am I even going to say to him? That his death hurt us so much, for a while we didn't even want to see each other? That we just wanted to shove everything away and move on because not knowing why he died and just having that hole there was a lot harder than the fighting he gave up his life to end? About how much Yukari-san cried? About how Aigis-san tried to stop being human? About how we were willing to kill each other over him?

[Jaime isn't the first person Ken's talked about this to. Only the third, really, but not the first. But perhaps no matter how many times he might come to talk about it, it'll never get easier. Ken hasn't looked away but his eyes are burning now, the tears that silently welled up shining in the light of the room. It's a lot to keep to yourself. He wants so, so badly to hold on to Minato and let it out. He wants to thank him, he wants to punch him, he wants to cry and tell him how much he missed him and how much they all care so, so much, and promise him that they'll carry out his will. Tell him that they're all going to be all right, and he has no need to worry. But]

I can't. I can't tell him that. Not if I can't be sure he won't blame himself for it. Not if I don't know if he won't question if he made the right choice and let it eat away at him and not tell anybody! I can't do that.

Edited 2015-11-06 20:45 (UTC)

[It's a lot to take in.

All of it's been a lot to take in, though Jaime's not entirely sure what he had expected. Resistance, perhaps, or maybe Ken would have just accepted that Jaime knew, and said that where he was from, Minato was dead.

But with these people, things are always more complicated than they seem at first glance, and always, always worse. Jaime's learned to steel himself to prepare for the worst, but he can never actually prepare himself; he's too close to the situation, too close to these people, and their injuries are his injuries too. He wishes more than anything that they got the happy ending that they deserved - and he knows immediately that Ken would argue the fact, because nothing ever ends and there's no such thing as a purely happy ending - but that doesn't stop him from thinking it. For fighting this hard, they deserve nothing but life and peace, Minato included.

And Minato has neither, just a group of people he'd give anything to help splintered by his own demise. Seeing the unshed tears in Ken's eyes makes him feel bad for even asking, but he shakes that off almost immediately after. It's a good thing he knows, because the more he knows, the better off he'll be to be able to do his part and help -- and if Ken thinks that he's not the one who needs Jaime's help anymore, than the same certainly doesn't go for Minato.

But if Ken's the one brimming over with emotion here, Jaime's the one who very studiously isn't. His hands remain folded on top of the table as Ken speaks, and he watches him closely, intently, seriously. He may not understand why so many of these things happened, but he has a feeling that if he gets anything out of this conversation, understanding this should be it.]

You could tell him that it was hard for a while, but that you've all decided to move on. You've come so far, Ken, even if it's been harder than any of you guys could've ever predicted, [he says, finally, voice quiet and neutral. It's a suggestion floated without much seriousness; he knows that Ken won't go for it, though he's not entirely certain if Minato would actually ask any more of him, or prefer to go on in, if not happy, then in blind ignorance. But he kept one big secret from Ken for his own good, and if Ken thinks it necessary, he'll keep another from Minato for his own good. Jaime keeps a lot of other people's secrets. He's good at other people's secrets.

The chairlegs scraping against the ground sounds loud against the silence of the room as Jaime rises to his feet and pads over to where Ken's seated. He crouches beside him, placing one hand on his shoulder.]

Look, Ken... I'm not gonna tell you that keeping it a secret for him for that long - [because, unfortunately, he's not underneath any illusions that Minato's change will be rapid by any stretch of the imagination] - is a good thing, but I promise I won't be the one to tell him, at least.

[It is, he realizes, almost verbatim to what he had told Bart so long ago.]

But I am glad you told me, even if I hadda force it out of you. Keeping secrets isn't easy. And keeping this one...

[Every time Ken looks at Minato, is he going to have to shake himself out of thinking of him as a dead man walking? Is he going to have to try not to show how much he cherishes every extra moment with him, knowing that it's even more fleeting than he could have ever imagined? Maybe Ken's no stranger to talking to people he knows as dead, but this one's different.

It's the first time that Jaime hasn't had to keep someone's death a secret, but that someone else has knowledge of his death. Of course it would be something like this with the people involved.]

It's not going to be easy. You'll need someone to talk to about it.

[When Jaime gets up, it's Ken's cue to look down and scrub at his eyes. He sniffles and glares down at his hands while listening to him speak. The hand that lands on his shoulder is warm. He can hear how weak the argument is. Jaime knows him well, so he probably already knows that convincing him was near impossible. He feels a little bad about it, but he can't make himself change his mind, either, so he listens quietly and grants him the mercy of not shooting down the suggestion for once.]

... Thanks, Jaime-san. I-- I know it's important to tell the truth. I do. But it's hard.

It's different for me, you know? I have all the chances in the world, and in multiple worlds. Even if I get tosses back out again, somewhere, I can still keep going. But Minato-san only has here, and if I mess this up, that's it. I haven't changed my mind from before. I know that even if this hurts him, he still has time here to recover, and people who'll help.

I just-- I know a couple people who're in a situation like this, too. One of them knows the other person's future, and ever since they found out, everything's been going downhill. They care about each other more than anybody does but they're too hurt to fix it. That's not what I'm worried about though. I know that... if it's Minato-san, no matter what I might say, or what might hurt him, he'll still forgive me and push aside his feelings if he thinks he needs me. I just can't do that to him. I don't want to blurt this out to him when everything seems so-- so fragile.

And I know people who've been torn apart by keeping this sort of thing a secret, [is Jaime's simple, quiet counterpoint. He has no idea whether telling Wally about his death was a positive thing for Bart or Wally, but he knows that that secret wouldn't, couldn't hold forever. But he knows too that keeping it a secret from Robin was an awful thing to do.] It's hard to keep lies like this up. Once you know something like that, and you keep on acting like normal... that means that you've got an awful lot of acting to do.

[That's what it comes down to, in some ways. It's hard to trust someone if you have to peel back what parts of their behaviours were lies, and what parts were truths. Jaime had spent so long tempering his own behaviour around other people, trying to stay away from different topics, trying not to give away which people he was looking at as if they were dead, and it's hard. It's hard to feel genuine when you're doing something like that.

He shifts, sighing a little.]

What makes you think he seems fragile?

[Jaime's worries make sense. The sigh washes over the space around them like a quiet wave, and Ken turns his head to look across the room. It's not as empty as it used to be, and he wonders what sort of people they must be to have livened up Jaime's lonely home like this. But he reels himself back in before he can get too distracted.]

I don't think he's fragile, [he answers honestly.] I think he's stronger than anybody I know, to the point that it's almost ridiculous. But I think he knows that, too.

I guess I know that what I'm making is a dreamland? One that's based on denial and lies... I want him to know the truth one day, too. But I don't know. Sometimes, he seems to be telling me that he's scared of things, and I'm afraid, too, of what'll become of him if I push him too far.

[That seems to contradict what Ken was saying earlier, but Jaime knows Ken well enough to know that there's usually more thinking than he could necessarily anticipate going on underneath those words. Sometimes, all it takes is a little digging.]

It sounds like what you're saying is that he's strong, but that doesn't mean he's fragile too. Honestly, Ken, I think everyone's a little fragile, about some things.

[Superman had been sensitive about the idea of someone having Kryptonite; Power Girl labours underneath the weight of trying to maintain responsibility for investigations she doesn't know how to conduct; Booster grins breezily one moment and berates a teenager out of a misplaced association with Ted moments later.

Even heroes, people who spend their lives trying to make themselves look strong, wind up being a little fragile too.]

I guess the real question here is, what are you afraid of happening? If you're afraid of it happening at all, then it's like... you're afraid it can't be fixed?

OCTOBER CATCH-ALL

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ANNNND I think we can wind this one down now?