maskormenacelogs | OCTOBER CATCH-ALL

And I know people who've been torn apart by keeping this sort of thing a secret, [is Jaime's simple, quiet counterpoint. He has no idea whether telling Wally about his death was a positive thing for Bart or Wally, but he knows that that secret wouldn't, couldn't hold forever. But he knows too that keeping it a secret from Robin was an awful thing to do.] It's hard to keep lies like this up. Once you know something like that, and you keep on acting like normal... that means that you've got an awful lot of acting to do.

[That's what it comes down to, in some ways. It's hard to trust someone if you have to peel back what parts of their behaviours were lies, and what parts were truths. Jaime had spent so long tempering his own behaviour around other people, trying to stay away from different topics, trying not to give away which people he was looking at as if they were dead, and it's hard. It's hard to feel genuine when you're doing something like that.

He shifts, sighing a little.]

What makes you think he seems fragile?

[Jaime's worries make sense. The sigh washes over the space around them like a quiet wave, and Ken turns his head to look across the room. It's not as empty as it used to be, and he wonders what sort of people they must be to have livened up Jaime's lonely home like this. But he reels himself back in before he can get too distracted.]

I don't think he's fragile, [he answers honestly.] I think he's stronger than anybody I know, to the point that it's almost ridiculous. But I think he knows that, too.

I guess I know that what I'm making is a dreamland? One that's based on denial and lies... I want him to know the truth one day, too. But I don't know. Sometimes, he seems to be telling me that he's scared of things, and I'm afraid, too, of what'll become of him if I push him too far.

[That seems to contradict what Ken was saying earlier, but Jaime knows Ken well enough to know that there's usually more thinking than he could necessarily anticipate going on underneath those words. Sometimes, all it takes is a little digging.]

It sounds like what you're saying is that he's strong, but that doesn't mean he's fragile too. Honestly, Ken, I think everyone's a little fragile, about some things.

[Superman had been sensitive about the idea of someone having Kryptonite; Power Girl labours underneath the weight of trying to maintain responsibility for investigations she doesn't know how to conduct; Booster grins breezily one moment and berates a teenager out of a misplaced association with Ted moments later.

Even heroes, people who spend their lives trying to make themselves look strong, wind up being a little fragile too.]

I guess the real question here is, what are you afraid of happening? If you're afraid of it happening at all, then it's like... you're afraid it can't be fixed?

["What are you afraid of happening?" is a question Ken isn't expecting. It isn't one he even thought too deeply on, in all honestly, and he doesn't know how to answer it at first. What is he so afraid of? What is it that is terrifying him?]

... I don't know, [he says at last, and at first he thinks it's such a pathetic answer, until he says it and realizes that's exactly what it is. He doesn't know. And it terrifies him.] It could be anything. He could be just fine. But I'm still -- if something bad happens, and Minato-san stops smiling, there's no other chance for him.

[Jaime's not sure what he was expecting Ken's answer to be. He's always been a kid with such strong convictions, and even when he's wrong, he speaks like he knows deep down in his bones that he's right. If he were to think on it a little harder, it wouldn't be at all surprising to anyone that the sheer uncertainty of it all is what's scaring Ken.

Uncertainty is a pretty scary thing in general.

Still, that brings up more questions than it does answers, and leaves no room for actual direction for where Ken will go next. Jaime doesn't say anything for a moment, biting at the inside of his cheek to stop himself from just pointing out that Ken's keeping a monumental secret from Minato on a hunch alone. Instead, he says,] Okay, so you don't know. That's fine, but... I think you should think about what you're looking for. If you're going to tell him eventually, and you don't know what it is about him now that'll make him take it the wrong way, how will you know when the right time is?

... A right time.

[Jaime's right. How will he know? Is this how Minato struggled, too? Did Minato ever plan to tell him about the future if he hadn't found out himself? How would he have known when the right time was? Did he ever make the decision to tell him the truth before things got in the way -- like Ken trying to kill himself, like Hiro and Callaghan's fallout, like the Swear-In that left so many people on edge? He wouldn't have said anything during June's trip, and September had been a tense month of recovering from the gas and watching the days pass by, approaching October 4th.

When is there ever a "right time"?

Was he just making excuses then?

The more he thinks about this, the more confused he gets. With a tired sigh, Ken covers his face with his hands and tries to find the words to answer Jaime with. ]

I don't know. I don't know. Just... I can't help but remember him back in April. When Hiro's machine broke down and he turned into a kid. He didn't want to go back to that. I don't want him to go back to it either.

I remember that too.

[Once again, Jaime had been stuck watching a lot of other people going through turmoil at that time, seeing how scared and upset that people were as children. He remembers Bart, shying away from him, expecting him to strike, but somehow, the memory of Minato as a child is even more burned into his memory that that. He had been so quiet, so reticent, so unconcerned with anyone or anything outside of his own head.

Jaime understands why Ken would be so desperate to keep Minato from going back to a place like that, but he doesn't believe that he would. Just knowing some of what the future holds isn't enough to break down all the bonds he had made, the fact that he had and has been enriching others' lives, the fact that here and now, he's surrounded by people who adore him. It may hurt him, true, but Jaime can't see it hurting him that much. He thinks Minato's stronger than that.

That doesn't mean it won't hurt, though, and as always, Jaime's thoughts inevitably circle back around to Ken, around to whether or not Ken could bear being the one to bring Minato pain. Inevitable pain, yes, but pain nevertheless.]

And I don't think he would go back to that, not with all of us around. It stuck with you, huh? Seeing him like that?

[It must have scared him a little too, almost like seeing your mother or father cry for the first time.]

[Ken's nod is a tiny, barely visible up and down movement of his head. Jaime's right; it stuck with him, though it's only recent that that memory came with an emotion as distinct as fear. There's an anxiety there he can't explain or get rid of.]

I just don't want him to think it was his fault. I don't want him to think that he hurt us. It's thanks to him that we were able to live... it just took us a long time to be able to accept that. We didn't want anybody to die for us again.

[Taking a breath, he closes his eyes, clasping his hands together tightly and opening them again.]

... If I died right now, I know how everyone will react. I remember how you all reacted. Everyone in SEES know what it's like to have someone die. What it's like to have someone die for them, and how painful that is. But Minato-san -- I wonder if he'll understand how to apply that to himself. Sometimes, I don't know.

Edited 2015-12-11 21:37 (UTC)

He doesn't apply a lot of what he applies to other people to himself. [Jaime knows that well. Minato may be interested in what everyone else has to say, whether it's about their past, their future, or just the day they had at work. He'll sit there, and he'll listen, and he'll remember. Occasionally, it seems to Jaime as if Minato treats everything that someone he cares about tells him with the same grave importance. He's a good listener.

But he's already gotten on Minato's ass about caring about himself too, absent of what he can do for other people, absent of what it means for anyone else. Other people care about how Minato feels and thinks too, he's tried to tell him, and other people care about how his day has been. It's difficult, he thinks, for Minato to treat his own feelings with as much respect as he treats everyone else's.]

It's the kind of thing that takes a long time to change, Ken. So if that's the part you're worried about, maybe you can... help him figure it out a little? Sometimes I figure all he needs is someone reminding him about that stuff, every now and then.

[Jaime's been bugging him about it, but he can't be the only one doing it. But then again, he's not sure how much he trusts anyone else in Minato's life to make sure that he knows they care about him in every facet of their life. Their shared friends are good people, no doubt, but they're awkward and reticent at best.

Which isn't a very nice thing to think about your friends, he supposes, but that doesn't make it any less true.]

[There was a reason why Ken asked Jaime, specifically, to stay by Minato's side. There are few other people that Ken will trust with his leader's sturdy but fragile mind, too, even including the people from their team back home. Fuuka, Yukari, and Junpei might've been able to affect him well, but between Akihiko, Shinjiro, and himself he wasn't going to be overly optimistic.

With the cast they had here, Koromaru was probably the most emotionally intelligent team member, and he was a dog.]

I know it takes time. I thought I'd never change, too. Minato-san here isn't the same Minato-san I knew when I first left Iwatodai, but we had five months between us. For him to change even more...

[He shakes his head.] How could I do that? Remind him, I mean. I want to, but I don't know where to start.

It doesn't have to be in obvious ways. I mean, because it's Minato, it might be a little obvious, but... we can do our best.

[He has to admit that much. For all that Minato seems to be ignorant of social niceties, he has a feeling that he pays very close attention to Ken's usual behaviour, and how it may be changing. He may be that observant with the rest of his friends too - Jaime's not sure about that one, having not been paying attention to Minato's level of observation - but he knows how much Minato cares for Ken, and how closely they all had to watch over him over the past year.]

I like to ask him about his day. When you ask him, he'll tell you his day was good, and he won't be lying, so you have to ask him more specific questions like, uh... like if he had lunch with his co-workers, or if any of his customers were obnoxious, or if he's learning any new songs on his violin. He seems to think we don't care about the little stuff about his life, so the best way to make sure he knows that we do is to ask him about it.

... We used to greet him whenever he came home. He was always the last one home. When Fuuka-san asked him how his day was, he'd give one-word answers or sigh as he sat down.

I think I understand what you're talking about. So I'll have to be more specific, ike you said.

Exactly. I've already, uh, given him kind of a talking to about that one. [Jaime offers Ken a sheepish sort of smile, knowing full well how odd the idea of anyone giving Minato a talking to sounds. Minato's just not the sort of guy that people can lecture easily, but it was important to Jaime that Minato knows that he cares about him, no matter what he's doing, and no matter where he's gone. Jaime cares about the nice customer he met at work, and what he enjoyed or didn't enjoy for lunch, and the quiet satisfaction of coming back home. It's the fabric of their lives, and that makes it just as important as the big things.

He's not sure if Minato quite understands that yet, but heck, Jaime's trying to make him understand. At least Minato understands that for whatever nebulous reason, it's important to Jaime, and Minato tends to acquiesce to whatever's important to his friends. Jaime counts himself as lucky to be among that number.]

He's gotten a lot better at it, but we can work on it together, to show him that we care. And we have to remember what he tells us, like he remembers what we tell him... but you won't have a big problem with that. Your memory's too good.

... I can try that. For Minato-san's sake.

[Ken doesn't think too much about the things he memorizes, but since Jaime's bringing it up, he commits this to memory deliberately. He thinks about the things he can ask him. About music, perhaps, maybe if he found any good new songs. Ask him to spend time with him, and ask him where he'd like to have lunch next time. Now that he thinks about it, the options are aplenty.]

Yah. Yeah, I think it's a good idea.

Good. We'll work on him together, until one day, maybe you'll feel okay about telling him.

[Jaime's not sure if that day will ever come, but for now, they have to operate underneath the assumption that it will, that Minato will grow into his own sense of worth, that Ken can come to peace with this whole affair. There's no point in considering their days here to be numbered. They have to look forward as if the best will happen, and if it doesn't?

Well, they can handle it. They certainly have enough people on their side.]

OCTOBER CATCH-ALL

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ANNNND I think we can wind this one down now?