maskormenacelogs | OCTOBER CATCH-ALL

[Jaime needs a second once more, but this time, judging by the expression on his face, it's because he's surprised. He knows that he doesn't have the full story at hand - he still doesn't know what the story is with Yukari, Fuuka, Mitsuru or Junpei, all of which he's heard of more than he actually acknowledges - but sometimes it still baffles him what huge pieces of the puzzle he's missing.

Evidently the physical personification of Death who looks like a cheerful teenaged boy who drunkenly danced around a maypole is one of them. God, Ken's life is weird, and Jaime's life is weirder still by proxy alone.]

Okay, [he says, a little slowly.] I didn't know about the whole Death thing. Uh, the capital-D death thing, I mean.

[He knows all about the lowercase-d deaths!]

So what does that mean for her decision in the end, anyway? If she figured out that she cared about Minato no matter what, then how much could that change?

[Ken has to blink at that. He didn't know. He's honestly surprised. But then again, he also isn't. There was a lot Ken told him, and there was probably a lot Minato told him, but SEES as a whole was never that big on filling in holes. Until recently to Ken, the whole Death thing made no sense. He knows he himself never mentioned it before.]

You and I, I think will see it differently. If someone you cared about passed away, you would probably think about what you could do for them even then. What'll make them happy, right?

[He shrugs his shoulders. Not to brush anything off, but just... a gesture. He couldn't think of anything else to do.]

For Aigis-san, it's different. Apparently ever since she woke up, all the should about was Minato-san. For her, protecting him was everything, but she barely grasped the concept of being alive when he died, you know? When Minato-san died, for Aigis-san that was it, her purpose in life disappeared with him. But she understands the importance of ending the Dark Hour, too, because of what she was created for.

While the rest of us were fighting with each other about what we thought was right, Aigis-san continued to think about Minato-san. When she won... she said she wanted to go back and see the moment of the miracle before she could make any last decisions.

[Ken's right, in a way, but Jaime has been fortunate enough not to encounter much death in his short life. He has encountered it in the abstract, in people going home while Jaime is forced to accept their potential fate, and he has encountered it in his grandparents. Other than that, those who have died around him have been relative strangers, whether they were attempting to conquer the world or if they were little more than innocent bystanders caught in the fray.

It's true, though, that he has focused on what they would have wanted, what would do their memories justice, even if their wishes would be for his own happiness. You can't force happiness, but it's easier to move on, knowing that that's what they would have wanted.]

The miracle... she meant his death, didn't she?

[He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to imagine it through her eyes, through the eyes of any SEES member. To be present at that moment would be nigh intolerable, wouldn't it?]

So you went back not to change anything, but to watch his last moments.

[He says it like a statement, but there's something lingering in his tone, a question in his eyes.]

... No. [Ken shakes his head.]

Minato-san held on for a month. He died at the beginning of March, but we faced Nyx in January. Between that battle and his death, we didn't remember anything about the Dark Hour, about Shadows, Persona, or about SEES. We were just people who hardly knew each other living in the same dorm. By the time we remembered and met up where were promised to, he'd fallen asleep.

[The fact that they'd forgotten, that they only remembered just in time, and the fact that they had not been able to tell him anything before he slipped away. All those had been factors that fed into their guilt and regret. They didn't know anything.]

We decided to go back to the moment he did it, at that battle, when he went up into the sky to defeat Nyx. Back then... all we could do was watch his back.

[Jaime opens his mouth, then closes it again.

He didn't think he would be learning so much about this whole thing now. All he had wanted out of this conversation was to hear from Ken's own mouth that Minato is dead at the time that he's from, and that somehow, he's still managed to claw his way into being okay. Despite knowing how rife with obstacles Minato's journey was, despite knowing how supernatural his role in death seemed, he didn't think that it would get that much more complicated.

He was, of course, wrong. When it comes to SEES, he usually is. It's hard for him to look past the idea of everyone somehow gaining amnesia, of Minato sinking into death alone. He'll ask more about that later, perhaps, but right now, he's focused on exactly where Ken's coming from, not the reasoning behind all of the weirdness that plagues their lives.

For a moment, he's not sure what else to say but how awful, but of course, he moves on.]

That must have been hard on you -- it must have been hard on all of you. So when you did go back... what changed?

We found out the truth. We saw what happened to Minato-san, and we found out why we did it. Minato-san's still there, fighting.

[Ken's gaze had slowly, gradually slid down until he was speaking to his hands in his lap. But now, he looks up again, determined not to avert his eyes. He felt bad dumping the truth of all his world's tragedies on Jaime before, and a part of him still does now, but if he stops now, Jaime will be left with more questions. As long as they're asked, he wants to give the answers.]

Even if we went back to that fight, Minato-san will probably have to make the same choice. Nyx wasn't the enemy we had to defeat to fight off the Fall. Nyx was coming because of us. Because of humanity itself... deep down, everyone is unconsciously seeking death as a confirmation for their life. Those emotions gave birth to a monster, and if it comes in contact with Nyx, the world will end. Minato-san sealed Nyx away so Erebus wouldn't reach it.

[This makes no sense to Jaime.

A part of that may be his own fault, his own failure to grasp the metaphysical, but a lot of it has to do with it all being complicated too, based on a world that's so far away from his own that he's left grasping at the strands of familiarity. Just because he can connect with the people from that world doesn't mean that he understands that world's mythology, its truths and what makes it run at the most fundamental level.

The good thing is, he doesn't have to understand. All that's important to him is not understanding how the world works, but understanding how it affects the people in it. As long as he stays focused on what he really cares about and the people he cares about, he can at least make an attempt to stay focused on only the most salient details.

So there's Death, and there's Nyx, and there's amnesia, and there's Erebus. There's philosophy about human views on mortality, and how that influences the course of life itself. Okay. That's fine.

Because as long as he can understand what parts are important to Ken and to Minato, he's on the right track.]

Okay, [he says, finally. At a loss, he repeats himself.] Okay.

I've known that Minato's had to... keep on fighting, instead of passing on, [he confesses next, fingers intertwining and brow knitting together as he attempts to voice even half of what's on his mind.] But is what you're saying that you guys going back didn't change anything except for the fact that you guys found out what really happened?

[He pauses, and a part of him remembers being close to death himself, in the wide expanse of space, and feeling the chilliness of true solitude. That alone is what spurs him to ask, however tentatively,]

Or... does that mean that you got to be there for him at the end?

No. We saw the moment he sealed Nyx away.

But, um... this is a part I don't really understand, either. But if we enter into a past that everybody present has experienced, we're able to move about and interact with it instead of just watching. There was nothing we could do about what Minato-san did, but Erebus reacted to Aigis-san's presence and attacked us, so we had to fight it.

After that... well, we couldn't stay floating in space for a month. We went through the door seeking that moment, so once it passed, we had to leave.

[Thinking back on it, perhaps it would have been nice to be able to live that last month differently, spending time with Minato than living as strangers, but they couldn't, and it would probably create some strange paradox they wouldn't know what to do with. Time is best left to run its course, and it's best that they seek their tomorrow.]

... We went 'on'. If we wanted to help Minato-san in any way, it was by living.

Oh.

[Jaime's not sure what to say to that, because while Ken says that this is the part that he doesn't understand, Jaime doesn't really understand any of it. Later, once Ken leaves, he'll replay the conversation in his head and try to make sense of the way their world works, but right now? He'll just have to trust the accuracy of Ken's statements.

But in the end, it seems, nothing changed by them going back. They watched their friend die one more time, and that was it. It seems senseless, but who knows? Maybe seeing his resolve would help them move on.]

I'm not going to say it makes sense to me, Ken, [Jaime has to admit, expression earnest.] But I'm sorry you guys had to go through that on top of everything else, and... I'm glad that you could at least make the decision to move on. That is what he would want -- what he does want.

And it sounds like that's what you're finally moving towards, isn't it?

I hope so. [He answers so, mostly thinking about Aigis and Yukari as he does, but he then remembers that Jaime can't possibly be speaking of them; he doesn't know them.] I mean-- I'm okay. I have Kala-Nemi. As long as I have her, I can remember to keep going forward. Aragaki-san told me a long time ago that you have to keep going. Even if it isn't fair, even if it hurts. I didn't remember it! But I wonder... if I can get close to that one day.

[Ken's opinion and view of Shinjiro has done a serious 360. It's undoubtedly a result of their growth here, but the sixth months he'd spent away had only amplified them. He smiles a little to himself.]

For Minato-san-- I don't think I can keep it from him forever. But even if I can show him that I'm okay, before I do I want to hear it from him that he wants to live, that he's okay with it, and that he wants to give it his best here.

[Jaime knows an awful lot about Minato already. He gets how the guy ticks, more than a lot of other people do, he suspects. That doesn't mean that Jaime knows him best - that honour could very well go to Ken, or Akihiko or Shinji, or his boyfriend, or any number of people - but he thinks that he understands how his mind works about half the time.

But contrary to what he does as a living, Jaime admires honesty and transparency. He can see why it would be difficult for Minato to hear when Ken's from and why Ken would want to postpone such a hard conversation to have, but he doesn't know if he actually understands why Ken would wait quite so long.

After all, having Minato say something like that out loud, something for himself and about himself... that would take time.]

You'll shouldn't keep it from him forever. He deserves to know. I'm not gonna tell him myself or anything, but... why are you waiting for him to say all that?

[Ken, for once, doesn't know how to explain it. But at the front of his mind is the picture of Minato, sitting in his De Chima kitchen with his hands on his knees and not looking at him as he said it was easier when the Dark Hour and the fighting gave him direction. He thinks again about little, little Minato curled up on his bed frightened into silence. He thinks about all the other times when Minato must have looked at him and Shinjiro and Akihiko and Ryoji and Elizabeth and maybe had thought about everything he had saved. Everything he had lost?

And then... and then...]

Because he's the same as us. He said the same things that we thought -- an answer that's given has no worth, Jaime-san. Being told the truth by someone else doesn't always save people.

[The chili will probably grow cold by the time Ken remembers it again. He's forgotten that they were eating as he looks Jaime in the eyes, determined to stand his ground but at the same time desperate to have Jaime understand if he could. Ken has never felt more desperate to do the right thing until this, and it terrifies him. As he continues, he starts to speak faster and his voice rises a little.]

What am I even going to say to him? That his death hurt us so much, for a while we didn't even want to see each other? That we just wanted to shove everything away and move on because not knowing why he died and just having that hole there was a lot harder than the fighting he gave up his life to end? About how much Yukari-san cried? About how Aigis-san tried to stop being human? About how we were willing to kill each other over him?

[Jaime isn't the first person Ken's talked about this to. Only the third, really, but not the first. But perhaps no matter how many times he might come to talk about it, it'll never get easier. Ken hasn't looked away but his eyes are burning now, the tears that silently welled up shining in the light of the room. It's a lot to keep to yourself. He wants so, so badly to hold on to Minato and let it out. He wants to thank him, he wants to punch him, he wants to cry and tell him how much he missed him and how much they all care so, so much, and promise him that they'll carry out his will. Tell him that they're all going to be all right, and he has no need to worry. But]

I can't. I can't tell him that. Not if I can't be sure he won't blame himself for it. Not if I don't know if he won't question if he made the right choice and let it eat away at him and not tell anybody! I can't do that.

Edited 2015-11-06 20:45 (UTC)

[It's a lot to take in.

All of it's been a lot to take in, though Jaime's not entirely sure what he had expected. Resistance, perhaps, or maybe Ken would have just accepted that Jaime knew, and said that where he was from, Minato was dead.

But with these people, things are always more complicated than they seem at first glance, and always, always worse. Jaime's learned to steel himself to prepare for the worst, but he can never actually prepare himself; he's too close to the situation, too close to these people, and their injuries are his injuries too. He wishes more than anything that they got the happy ending that they deserved - and he knows immediately that Ken would argue the fact, because nothing ever ends and there's no such thing as a purely happy ending - but that doesn't stop him from thinking it. For fighting this hard, they deserve nothing but life and peace, Minato included.

And Minato has neither, just a group of people he'd give anything to help splintered by his own demise. Seeing the unshed tears in Ken's eyes makes him feel bad for even asking, but he shakes that off almost immediately after. It's a good thing he knows, because the more he knows, the better off he'll be to be able to do his part and help -- and if Ken thinks that he's not the one who needs Jaime's help anymore, than the same certainly doesn't go for Minato.

But if Ken's the one brimming over with emotion here, Jaime's the one who very studiously isn't. His hands remain folded on top of the table as Ken speaks, and he watches him closely, intently, seriously. He may not understand why so many of these things happened, but he has a feeling that if he gets anything out of this conversation, understanding this should be it.]

You could tell him that it was hard for a while, but that you've all decided to move on. You've come so far, Ken, even if it's been harder than any of you guys could've ever predicted, [he says, finally, voice quiet and neutral. It's a suggestion floated without much seriousness; he knows that Ken won't go for it, though he's not entirely certain if Minato would actually ask any more of him, or prefer to go on in, if not happy, then in blind ignorance. But he kept one big secret from Ken for his own good, and if Ken thinks it necessary, he'll keep another from Minato for his own good. Jaime keeps a lot of other people's secrets. He's good at other people's secrets.

The chairlegs scraping against the ground sounds loud against the silence of the room as Jaime rises to his feet and pads over to where Ken's seated. He crouches beside him, placing one hand on his shoulder.]

Look, Ken... I'm not gonna tell you that keeping it a secret for him for that long - [because, unfortunately, he's not underneath any illusions that Minato's change will be rapid by any stretch of the imagination] - is a good thing, but I promise I won't be the one to tell him, at least.

[It is, he realizes, almost verbatim to what he had told Bart so long ago.]

But I am glad you told me, even if I hadda force it out of you. Keeping secrets isn't easy. And keeping this one...

[Every time Ken looks at Minato, is he going to have to shake himself out of thinking of him as a dead man walking? Is he going to have to try not to show how much he cherishes every extra moment with him, knowing that it's even more fleeting than he could have ever imagined? Maybe Ken's no stranger to talking to people he knows as dead, but this one's different.

It's the first time that Jaime hasn't had to keep someone's death a secret, but that someone else has knowledge of his death. Of course it would be something like this with the people involved.]

It's not going to be easy. You'll need someone to talk to about it.

[When Jaime gets up, it's Ken's cue to look down and scrub at his eyes. He sniffles and glares down at his hands while listening to him speak. The hand that lands on his shoulder is warm. He can hear how weak the argument is. Jaime knows him well, so he probably already knows that convincing him was near impossible. He feels a little bad about it, but he can't make himself change his mind, either, so he listens quietly and grants him the mercy of not shooting down the suggestion for once.]

... Thanks, Jaime-san. I-- I know it's important to tell the truth. I do. But it's hard.

It's different for me, you know? I have all the chances in the world, and in multiple worlds. Even if I get tosses back out again, somewhere, I can still keep going. But Minato-san only has here, and if I mess this up, that's it. I haven't changed my mind from before. I know that even if this hurts him, he still has time here to recover, and people who'll help.

I just-- I know a couple people who're in a situation like this, too. One of them knows the other person's future, and ever since they found out, everything's been going downhill. They care about each other more than anybody does but they're too hurt to fix it. That's not what I'm worried about though. I know that... if it's Minato-san, no matter what I might say, or what might hurt him, he'll still forgive me and push aside his feelings if he thinks he needs me. I just can't do that to him. I don't want to blurt this out to him when everything seems so-- so fragile.

And I know people who've been torn apart by keeping this sort of thing a secret, [is Jaime's simple, quiet counterpoint. He has no idea whether telling Wally about his death was a positive thing for Bart or Wally, but he knows that that secret wouldn't, couldn't hold forever. But he knows too that keeping it a secret from Robin was an awful thing to do.] It's hard to keep lies like this up. Once you know something like that, and you keep on acting like normal... that means that you've got an awful lot of acting to do.

[That's what it comes down to, in some ways. It's hard to trust someone if you have to peel back what parts of their behaviours were lies, and what parts were truths. Jaime had spent so long tempering his own behaviour around other people, trying to stay away from different topics, trying not to give away which people he was looking at as if they were dead, and it's hard. It's hard to feel genuine when you're doing something like that.

He shifts, sighing a little.]

What makes you think he seems fragile?

[Jaime's worries make sense. The sigh washes over the space around them like a quiet wave, and Ken turns his head to look across the room. It's not as empty as it used to be, and he wonders what sort of people they must be to have livened up Jaime's lonely home like this. But he reels himself back in before he can get too distracted.]

I don't think he's fragile, [he answers honestly.] I think he's stronger than anybody I know, to the point that it's almost ridiculous. But I think he knows that, too.

I guess I know that what I'm making is a dreamland? One that's based on denial and lies... I want him to know the truth one day, too. But I don't know. Sometimes, he seems to be telling me that he's scared of things, and I'm afraid, too, of what'll become of him if I push him too far.

[That seems to contradict what Ken was saying earlier, but Jaime knows Ken well enough to know that there's usually more thinking than he could necessarily anticipate going on underneath those words. Sometimes, all it takes is a little digging.]

It sounds like what you're saying is that he's strong, but that doesn't mean he's fragile too. Honestly, Ken, I think everyone's a little fragile, about some things.

[Superman had been sensitive about the idea of someone having Kryptonite; Power Girl labours underneath the weight of trying to maintain responsibility for investigations she doesn't know how to conduct; Booster grins breezily one moment and berates a teenager out of a misplaced association with Ted moments later.

Even heroes, people who spend their lives trying to make themselves look strong, wind up being a little fragile too.]

I guess the real question here is, what are you afraid of happening? If you're afraid of it happening at all, then it's like... you're afraid it can't be fixed?

["What are you afraid of happening?" is a question Ken isn't expecting. It isn't one he even thought too deeply on, in all honestly, and he doesn't know how to answer it at first. What is he so afraid of? What is it that is terrifying him?]

... I don't know, [he says at last, and at first he thinks it's such a pathetic answer, until he says it and realizes that's exactly what it is. He doesn't know. And it terrifies him.] It could be anything. He could be just fine. But I'm still -- if something bad happens, and Minato-san stops smiling, there's no other chance for him.

[Jaime's not sure what he was expecting Ken's answer to be. He's always been a kid with such strong convictions, and even when he's wrong, he speaks like he knows deep down in his bones that he's right. If he were to think on it a little harder, it wouldn't be at all surprising to anyone that the sheer uncertainty of it all is what's scaring Ken.

Uncertainty is a pretty scary thing in general.

Still, that brings up more questions than it does answers, and leaves no room for actual direction for where Ken will go next. Jaime doesn't say anything for a moment, biting at the inside of his cheek to stop himself from just pointing out that Ken's keeping a monumental secret from Minato on a hunch alone. Instead, he says,] Okay, so you don't know. That's fine, but... I think you should think about what you're looking for. If you're going to tell him eventually, and you don't know what it is about him now that'll make him take it the wrong way, how will you know when the right time is?

... A right time.

[Jaime's right. How will he know? Is this how Minato struggled, too? Did Minato ever plan to tell him about the future if he hadn't found out himself? How would he have known when the right time was? Did he ever make the decision to tell him the truth before things got in the way -- like Ken trying to kill himself, like Hiro and Callaghan's fallout, like the Swear-In that left so many people on edge? He wouldn't have said anything during June's trip, and September had been a tense month of recovering from the gas and watching the days pass by, approaching October 4th.

When is there ever a "right time"?

Was he just making excuses then?

The more he thinks about this, the more confused he gets. With a tired sigh, Ken covers his face with his hands and tries to find the words to answer Jaime with. ]

I don't know. I don't know. Just... I can't help but remember him back in April. When Hiro's machine broke down and he turned into a kid. He didn't want to go back to that. I don't want him to go back to it either.

I remember that too.

[Once again, Jaime had been stuck watching a lot of other people going through turmoil at that time, seeing how scared and upset that people were as children. He remembers Bart, shying away from him, expecting him to strike, but somehow, the memory of Minato as a child is even more burned into his memory that that. He had been so quiet, so reticent, so unconcerned with anyone or anything outside of his own head.

Jaime understands why Ken would be so desperate to keep Minato from going back to a place like that, but he doesn't believe that he would. Just knowing some of what the future holds isn't enough to break down all the bonds he had made, the fact that he had and has been enriching others' lives, the fact that here and now, he's surrounded by people who adore him. It may hurt him, true, but Jaime can't see it hurting him that much. He thinks Minato's stronger than that.

That doesn't mean it won't hurt, though, and as always, Jaime's thoughts inevitably circle back around to Ken, around to whether or not Ken could bear being the one to bring Minato pain. Inevitable pain, yes, but pain nevertheless.]

And I don't think he would go back to that, not with all of us around. It stuck with you, huh? Seeing him like that?

[It must have scared him a little too, almost like seeing your mother or father cry for the first time.]

[Ken's nod is a tiny, barely visible up and down movement of his head. Jaime's right; it stuck with him, though it's only recent that that memory came with an emotion as distinct as fear. There's an anxiety there he can't explain or get rid of.]

I just don't want him to think it was his fault. I don't want him to think that he hurt us. It's thanks to him that we were able to live... it just took us a long time to be able to accept that. We didn't want anybody to die for us again.

[Taking a breath, he closes his eyes, clasping his hands together tightly and opening them again.]

... If I died right now, I know how everyone will react. I remember how you all reacted. Everyone in SEES know what it's like to have someone die. What it's like to have someone die for them, and how painful that is. But Minato-san -- I wonder if he'll understand how to apply that to himself. Sometimes, I don't know.

Edited 2015-12-11 21:37 (UTC)

He doesn't apply a lot of what he applies to other people to himself. [Jaime knows that well. Minato may be interested in what everyone else has to say, whether it's about their past, their future, or just the day they had at work. He'll sit there, and he'll listen, and he'll remember. Occasionally, it seems to Jaime as if Minato treats everything that someone he cares about tells him with the same grave importance. He's a good listener.

But he's already gotten on Minato's ass about caring about himself too, absent of what he can do for other people, absent of what it means for anyone else. Other people care about how Minato feels and thinks too, he's tried to tell him, and other people care about how his day has been. It's difficult, he thinks, for Minato to treat his own feelings with as much respect as he treats everyone else's.]

It's the kind of thing that takes a long time to change, Ken. So if that's the part you're worried about, maybe you can... help him figure it out a little? Sometimes I figure all he needs is someone reminding him about that stuff, every now and then.

[Jaime's been bugging him about it, but he can't be the only one doing it. But then again, he's not sure how much he trusts anyone else in Minato's life to make sure that he knows they care about him in every facet of their life. Their shared friends are good people, no doubt, but they're awkward and reticent at best.

Which isn't a very nice thing to think about your friends, he supposes, but that doesn't make it any less true.]

[There was a reason why Ken asked Jaime, specifically, to stay by Minato's side. There are few other people that Ken will trust with his leader's sturdy but fragile mind, too, even including the people from their team back home. Fuuka, Yukari, and Junpei might've been able to affect him well, but between Akihiko, Shinjiro, and himself he wasn't going to be overly optimistic.

With the cast they had here, Koromaru was probably the most emotionally intelligent team member, and he was a dog.]

I know it takes time. I thought I'd never change, too. Minato-san here isn't the same Minato-san I knew when I first left Iwatodai, but we had five months between us. For him to change even more...

[He shakes his head.] How could I do that? Remind him, I mean. I want to, but I don't know where to start.

It doesn't have to be in obvious ways. I mean, because it's Minato, it might be a little obvious, but... we can do our best.

[He has to admit that much. For all that Minato seems to be ignorant of social niceties, he has a feeling that he pays very close attention to Ken's usual behaviour, and how it may be changing. He may be that observant with the rest of his friends too - Jaime's not sure about that one, having not been paying attention to Minato's level of observation - but he knows how much Minato cares for Ken, and how closely they all had to watch over him over the past year.]

I like to ask him about his day. When you ask him, he'll tell you his day was good, and he won't be lying, so you have to ask him more specific questions like, uh... like if he had lunch with his co-workers, or if any of his customers were obnoxious, or if he's learning any new songs on his violin. He seems to think we don't care about the little stuff about his life, so the best way to make sure he knows that we do is to ask him about it.

OCTOBER CATCH-ALL

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ANNNND I think we can wind this one down now?