maskormenacelogs | Untamed/MDZS catch-all

"I'm not tired." He's prevented from playing with the forehead ribbon, but since he's not really capable of being annoyed, he just lets his hand drop into Sizhui's lap instead.

He rests quietly for barely a few seconds before he's seeking new entertainment. The television is a pleasant diversion, but Sizhui is warm and solid beside him, and that's... interesting. Jin Ling's attention starts to shift and he studies Sizhui from the side. He's learned that affection between men is encouraged in this world, and without his heart he doesn't have any embarrassment in noticing that Sizhui's very attractive.

Leaning in, Jin Ling presses a soft, warm kiss against Sizhui's throat, letting his nose bump the underside of Sizhui's jaw as he pulls back to study his reaction.

"All right..." Sizhui's looks down at his lap hopelessly. His heartbeat quickens the moment his soft lips touched on his neck. There's confusion as to what just happened in that brief moment. The initial reaction is panic. Keeping himself as calm and collected as he could, his expression impassive as he looks into his eyes. For a moment, Sizhui is very...distracted and unfocused. This never happened to him before. What should he do? This situation isn't something he could ask Hanguang-Jun for advice, wanting to preserve honor and dignity.

In reaction, he touched the side of his neck protectively as he stares at Jin Ling. "..." Not certain how he should and react. He's more concerned for his friend. He doesn't connect to any thought of affection other than perhaps reaching the conclusion through logic that Jin Ling is playing a game and is experimenting with him.

Keeping himself steady, a deep inhale as he contemplates and gathering his thoughts. Courage, he needs it. Gently, "Master Jin, we're friends. Always. Back home and in this world."

Find his inner strength to force a smile, he reaches over to hold his hand. "I am here, by your side. Today is a long day. If you're not tired, then perhaps do you want to play a game?"

"What's wrong with this game?" Jin Ling asks. Maybe he isn't being clear enough. Sizhui thinks he's just teasing.

To make things clearer, he shifts over, straddling Sizhui's lap and resting his arms over Sizhui's shoulders. He wants attention and physical contact, because those are the only things he can feel anymore. Aside from that, he's empty and restless. "We're friends. So, make me feel good."

Sizhui swallowed thickly, struggling to give an answer. Jin Ling is acting strangely to him. Something doesn't feel right with him. "Nothing. I just think you are bored. So I offered to play with you like we used to back home until you feel sleepy and ready go to bed."

Regaining his focus, he realized Jin Ling trapped him in place. "Jin Ling, you should stop now. You must. You have to think about your future. I want you to stop and consider what's at stake..."

He squeezes his arms gently and then makes a slow attempt to disengage his arms away. Looking into his eyes.

"A-Ling, no. I can't. Cannot do it."

"Why should I care about any of that back home? We're here now. Don't be boring and prudish. I want to have fun."

There's nothing in Jin Ling's eyes but restless boredom. None of his usual pride or empathy remains.

"Fine. How boring."

He climbs off of Sizhui again and heads toward his bedroom without a word. Might as well take a shower and take care of himself, if Sizhui isn't going to entertain him.

The words stung. Sizhui frowns. In response, there is anger. His hands form into fists, just briefly, but he's controlling himself. Because he cares. "You should care. I still remember what home feels like."

The moment he climbs off, Sizhui feels relieved. He can breathe again. The moments before when they're too close for comfort, he feels tense and awkward. Up until now, he knows Jin Ling, and he never seen him acted this way before.

"...A-Ling." The moment the bedroom door is closed, the words he's about to say stopped midway, becomes lost and he fell silent. "..." Collecting his calm and whatever dignity he has left, it's a matter offollowing suit and heads towards his bedroom too to end the day. It has been a long day.

In his room, he did what most Lans do to deal with distressing emotions - to practice meditation, in an effort calm himself down for the evening before eventually going to sleep.

Jin Ling's emotions all came back in a rush. All he could do at first was to crumple into himself, sobbing and clinging to Fairy. He felt sick with guilt over the things he'd said and done, and that was just what he could remember. It felt like there were huge gaps in his memory, not because he'd lost memories but because he hadn't cared to notice at the time. Had Sizhui been coming back from somewhere? Had there been bandages?

As soon as he got his sobs halfway under control, he staggered out to look for his best friend, going to his room and knocking at the door.

Jin Ling was a sniffling wreck, but he bowed formally as soon as he saw his friend's face. "I'm so sorry, Sizhui. Sizhui..."

Sizhui was relatively calm. He did his morning routine - cooked breakfast, make food for them (even if it gotten cold by now...) and filled the dog's bowl, cleaning the apartment to keep it neat and tidy, so he could have afternoon free for his self-study and meditations.

In his room, leaving his studies on the desk, he opens the door to see his friend crying. "A-Ling...?" He was startled to see Jin Ling to apologize in such a sincere, serious way.

He stood still, trying to calm him. "A-Ling. It's nothing. It's okay."

"It's not. I was awful to you." Jin Ling leaned heavily against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. He couldn't tell how Sizhui felt at all. Sizhui seemed externally calm, but for all Jin Ling could tell, Sizhui might hate him. Sizhui might simply not care about him. Jin Ling felt alone and adrift. "It wasn't me. I mean, it was, but I had no emotions. I couldn't feel anything. I saw the news, I know I'm not the only one."

He stopped himself, bowing again. "I don't mean to make excuses for my behavior. I'm sorry. I acted shamefully."

"I know it wasn't you." Sizhui listened and Jin Ling doesn't need to explain anymore. He knows he's sincere and feels his sorrow. He doesn't want him to feel burdened.

"You came back. That's important. You still feel unwell." Sizhui sat at one of the tables. With a wave of his hand and in a flash of blue light, he summons his guqin, with his hands resting on the strings.

"Please sit beside me. I was going to practice." Gently, "A-Ling. Please, don't cry...I'll play a song just for you."

Jin Ling goes obediently to sit by his side, sitting quietly with his hands in his lap. He still feels awful guilt, and he doesn't think that Sizhui should forgive him. He's not sure if Sizhui was hurt by it, or if it's simply in the past and they're moving on. But he doesn't want Sizhui to have to comfort him while he's the one who's apologizing, so he tries to keep himself quiet and to repress the urge to cry.

He's reassured that Sizhui doesn't blame him and that they're still friends. "Sizhui, what happened? Were you gone while I was unwell? Were you hurt?"

Sitting side by side, Sizhui wants to ease him back to normal. His fingers on the strings, he strums to play a note to warm up. Sizhui recollects what happened the days of the week prior.

"I went out patrolling, looking for you. I was worried about you. I encountered those creatures. I was outnumbered. I couldn't call Jingyi if I have a sword in hand and try to protect people. I fought hard. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital. I was hurt, but they gave me medicine. Some of the bruises remain, but it's fading, healing." With a grin. "I guess my inner power from my core does the rest."

Not wanting to press what happened to him. "As long as you're okay, I'm glad you're back." He plays a few more notes until it becomes a song, a song to evoke cheer and calm toward to his mind to comfort him.

So it was his fault that Sizhui got hurt, in addition to how Jin Ling treated him.

"Thank you for helping to take care of me and watch over me the past few days." Jin Ling's grateful, at least, that all he wanted to do was watch TV and go on walks with Fairy. It wasn't like he'd caused much trouble. Just the disappearing and the inappropriate advances on his best friend. "I'm glad you're not hurt too badly."

Calling up his golden core, Jin Ling pours some of the energy into Sizhui in order to boost his healing. It's nice to have his golden core back, and Jin Ling wants to be able to help.

The music is soothing, but Jin Ling finds that he still mostly wants Sizhui's attention and reassurance.

Sizhui intentionally wanted to distract himself. Channeling his thoughts through music helps him focus. When he feels the warmth of the other's energy, he halted his playing in order to receive the energy to heal properly. It's warm.

"No, not hurt. Just worried."

After a few moments, a pause, a slow beat. His fingers pulling on the strings to make a harmonious note. "You can lean on me if you want. I would like that."

A tiny, shy smile flicked across Jin Ling's lips. He didn't feel that he should lean on Sizhui or touch him at all, after what he'd done. But if Sizhui wanted him to lean, Jin Ling wouldn't deny him. Shifting over to lean against his friend, Jin Ling rested his head on Sizhui's shoulder. The contact calmed him more than the music, and the combination very swiftly soothed his heart and eased the urge to cry.

"You're my best friend, Sizhui," Jin Ling said. It came out as a mumble because he was shy.

"You're my best friend too. I was more worried if you're in pain and if there is anything I could do to help. That's what friends are for. To help. You're not yourself yesterday. If you're here with me today, then I'll bring you back to yourself. That's what I would do."

Originally Sizhui wanted to play the song of calming, which is a traditional folk song of healing from Lan's music library that he was taught to memorize. After Jin Ling rested his head on his shoulder, the contact is warm. It felt nice. Familiar. Close. This is proof that he isn't unwanted.

"If not and if you have continued, then I will still help you. To heal you. Everyday. I'm not going to give you up."

Jin Ling blushed at the reassurance, feeling vastly better with the sweetness offered. They were still friends. He hadn't shamed himself beyond forgiveness.

Part of his mind couldn't stop thinking about what he'd done, even though some of the guilt had eased.

He'd wanted to kiss Sizhui. The emotions hadn't been tied into it, there had been no friendship or pride involved. Only desire. And now he had to live with knowing that he felt some amount of desire for Sizhui, even though it was improper and something that he couldn't act upon. That made him feel all the more guilty, knowing that the way he'd come on to Sizhui couldn't entirely be blamed on being without emotions at the time. "You'd better not. Because I'm not giving you up, either. You're stuck with me."

Thinking the song of healing he plays actually works, he can see the logic and reasoning is returning to him. He sees the spark in his eyes, so he figured Jin Ling is back to himself.

"I want you here. I'm just worried you forgotten about going home. I don't mind this world, but I know where we're all from and I believe we return back home someday." He gave him a playful nudge with his elbow. "So, that's what you're stuck with. I'll make sure we all go back home. Together. I will never let you get lost."

Contemplating further, "So about yesterday. Just forget what happened. No worries."

"I know we're going home. I haven't forgotten! Even if we don't remember what happens here. I'm a sect leader. I have responsibilities."

Sulking a little, Jin Ling sat up and looked away. He still desperately didn't want to be a Sect Leader. Not for a few more years, at least. When he got home, he would do his best, and he needed to get home as soon as possible. If he was missing back home, if the Jin Clan was in chaos because he was here, he needed to get back and to fix it.

His emotions were too complicated and overwhelming. He didn't know how to deal with them, so he just pushed them to the side and tried to act proud. "I should get going. It's my uncle's birthday. I've got to thank him for taking care of me and apologize for how I was while I was heartless. I'll be back later tonight."

And that's...that's the main issue. Sizhui knew he'll be a sect leader. He already is and capable, given he just need some experience to lead a clan. Being a Lan, he was taught to rid all desires first, set aside personal interests, and think of protecting the clan as a whole. Sizhui was raised by the twin jades of Lan and knew of the conflict and political hurdles. If they went through it, Jin Ling will think with his desires first, and not with reason and logic.

Resting his hand on the guqin. There's a look of hesitation...and sadness. This time, the pain to the heart is for real, but Sizhui only thinks of his happiness first.

"You're going back to him...? I won't stop you. But please be careful."

Jin Ling nods, getting to his feet. "I've decided that even though I will never forgive him, I still love him, and that no one but me gets to decide the terms of that love. So, yeah."

Feeling exhausted and lonely, Jin Ling hugs himself. Heading to the door, he glances back at the doorway. He still feels so guilty, and there's a new side to his loneliness that he doesn't want to think about too much. "I'll be back in a few hours. I'll text you if I'm gonna be late."

Untamed/MDZS catch-all

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I FEEL SO GUILTY WRITING THIS sizhui i'm sorry T_T

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timeskip

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