maskormenacelogs | weep not for the memories

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weep not for the memories

WHO: Everybody!
WHERE: all cities
WHEN: March 4 - March 6
WHAT: it's a catch-all log, sucka! Tag here and thread around for the Dorian Ruins Everything Guilt Extravaganza part of the overall March plot. Please check out this ooc post for details!
WARNINGS: Traumatic memories. Possible talk of murder, death, blood, other nasty things. I'll try to update if the warnings needed but please use content warnings if it gets super nasty!

It starts off on March 4th, the early morning before the sun's even risen. You know those weird mirages that were hanging around the day before? Well now it's getting a little personal.

These mirages come and go seemingly for no reason. They might stay for a minute, they might stay for an hour. The images vary between person but the unifying factor is that the mirages consist of people the player characters have hurt, whether people in-game or from their homes. Whether they murdered them, slandered them, or even had a petty little argument, the unifying factor is the guilt each character feels towards or about this mirage. After all, you know you hurt them somehow. You know their existence somehow makes you feel guilty.

Another unifying factor? The creepy way these mirages just seem to stick to you. They'll follow you if you try to leave, staring you down with their creepy unblinking mirage eyes. And whoops: everybody can see said mirages. Hopefully you're not being stalked by someone you and somebody else both know, wouldn't that be awkward?

Have fun confronting your traumatizing past and/or wondering why your buddy's got some creepy ghost guy following him, imPorts!

( ooc: this is a catch-all log! Make starters of your characters getting haunted by their creepy mirages, have other people react to said creepy mirages, ???, profit. Hit me up on the ooc post if you have any questions! )

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['Kikkun' usually grimaces at the nickname, or in some cases gives a longsuffering stare to anyone around them. It's going to draw attention, maybe give someone the wrong idea, and they're not really that close -

But not this time. He's too busy watching the nightmarish figure move closer to even notice the beginnings of change in Fueguchi. That figure looks familiar, like an older Fueguchi, he realizes. And in a second, Fueguchi herself cements theory into reality.

As if he wasn't there at all, Fueguchi's mother(?!) starts to move past him. Kidou turns around, seeing how Fueguchi's backing away just as much as he wants to, and then springs into action.]

Fueguchi!

[He stalks over to her, ignoring the fearful stutter of his heart and ice filling his veins that putting himself directly between two nightmares gives him. Is it safe to turn their backs on the woman? Would she strike him?

If it turns out she is real, and if she's violent... But he has no plans on keeping them somewhere potentially dangerous for long, nor does he plan on leaving a lot of other people around to take the fallout from retreating. Maybe it's that she's one of the illusions around here. Maybe she really is here. Maybe she needs help... but given Fueguchi's horror, he's taking absolutely no chances. Someone who is an adult can handle this from here, not them.

Kidou raises his voice, addressing the crowd of increasingly unnerved students that can hear him in a barked order. They'll obey this one, he's sure. He's got some authority, even though it's completely unearned. And they all probably want to flee anyway, but haven't yet. The ripple of unease is getting to be a palpable thing as more and more notice the bloody figure moving in and now among them.]

Everyone! Get into the school! Go!

[And quieter to Fueguchi-]

Let's go!

[ As if Kidou's words break her out of some sort of spell, Hinami jolts. And then, with one last glance at the image of her mother, she grabs onto Kidou's sleeve and starts attempting to pull him. A human can't run as fast as her and certainly can't jump...and Hinami doubts he'd be okay with her picking him up and carrying him so she can do so. So the only choice left is to

Whether her mother is dangerous or not (and she is to Kidou, at the very least) they need to run. Not just from danger, but from the image that will be burned into Hinami's mind for a long time to come.

It's the second time in this world she's been subjected to the memory of her mother's death. It had been bad enough as just a memory played out in front of her in that alley, the entire vile thing on repeat like a movie. Now to have her mother standing in front of her, looking at her with eyes that watched as Hinami stood by and allowed her to die...

And...what if she can attack Kidou? Hinami...she wouldn't be able to fight this woman, truly her mother or not. She could never strike at the image of her own mother.

The thought makes her stomach cramp in knots and tears burn in her eyes.

Would another person die because of her being too weak to do anything? ]

Kikkun, run! It doesn't matter where to! Just go!

[Hinami does not have to tell Kidou twice. He's fast, faster than most people would ever dream of being, and accustomed to running for long stretches of time. As long as he's got Hinami keeping pace or ahead of him, and as long as he's not leaving others to the mercy of this woman, Kidou will race with all the tireless speed of a professional midfielder.

He's thinking as he runs, scanning the area around him. It's hard to maneuver with everyone else scattering, so he'll take a longer route around the building instead of heading straight inside it. If that person really is after Hinami, what good would a rescue be if it pulled someone that scared a ghoul directly into a building of his fellow students?! No good.

He'll head for the field at first, double around the building again in a lap if he has to. Then maybe there's a chance to make a break for it somewhere else. The only thing that would make him change course is if Fueguchi isn't with him - he also didn't brave his way right to something that horrifying just to let her face it alone after all.]

[ Hinami doesn't even even look where they're running, just races blindly behind Kidou. Behind, because if her mother attacks, she wants to be able to get in the way. No matter how strong Kidou is, he's human, and the kagune of a Ghoul would be more than enough for an instant kill.

But as they run, Hinami becomes starkly aware of one thing: They aren't being followed. Whatever it was that looked like Ryoko Fueguchi had either decided not to run after them, or was planning on overtaking them in a completely different way.

And they couldn't go in circles forever...could they hide? ]

We might be able to hide on the roofs! M-- She wouldn't expect it, because a human wouldn't be able to get up there so fast normally!

Got it! I can get up there!

[And given what Fueguchi's told him... the way he's got in mind is one she'll follow way more easily than he'll be able to lead. Or she'll just have an alternate method altogether. Whatever. However she gets up there, she will; Kidou's got his own path mapped out in his head and is already turning to follow it.

Kidou makes a quick dash to the side, slamming right into the double doors, stepping sideways to execute a rapid twirl to catch the door from slamming into the far wall before his momentum takes him out of the way. He doesn't break much momentum from this ridiculous looking stunt, either, quickly able to pick his speed back up heading for the stairs.

He's not about to try jumping onto the roof. While technically, yes, he's got the raw ability to get that kind of height for hissatsu, without a direction to his movement the fall is just as likely to kill him as it is to get him where he wants to go. He'll make for roof access, darting nimbly around anyone still lingering in the halls as he heads to the second floor, and then to the technically-restricted set of other stairs heading for the roof itself. For a while, the padlock was simply missing, and no one did much about that.

Unfortunately for them, someone finally replaced the padlock on the door. But slightly more fortunately, the room nearest those stairs just so happens to have a window that's placed conveniently enough it just might work. He can easily see her reasoning here - the harder it is to get onto the roof, the less likely it is that someone will think to look for them there.

He makes a fast stop, shifting to the side before he gets to the window, strains and finally gets it open, and then stops to take a deep breath. There's a slanted tree just outside that he would definitely be able to use to get to the adjacent roof, if he can get onto it. While it's almost touching the building, it's still far enough away that it'll require a jump. Doable. He knows kids get up there sometimes; it's how he knew instantly where to go. But risky nonetheless.

However, the alternative isn't something he particularly wants to deal with either, so out the window it is. Kidou climbs carefully onto the windowsill, taking just enough time to look down to check for Fueguchi's hunter, and start to wonder just what the hell is wrong with his lingering scraps of sanity. No one's down there that would know to look up. Since he can't know how long this window lasts, he'll have to go now if he's going at all.

Then he tenses his legs and springs off, easily catching the tree with all four limbs. After that, it's a fairly quick climb right onto the roof, and directly out of sight of anyone on the ground.

Which also means that he's put himself somewhere way out of sight that's time consuming to escape from with someone who at least used to eat people and definitely capable of killing him, but ... he's made more dangerous life choices than this before. Probably.]

[ To her credit, Hinami doesn't seemed surprised at all at Kidou's stunt. Thanks to Ken, she's....pretty used to humans deciding to do ridiculously risky things. What matters is he made it safe and that she had been ready to catch him the entire time. Jumping to the roof itself isn't difficult. Ghouls are made to be able to do such things and she's on it just seconds after Kidou makes it. It takes a little maneuvering though because flow-y skirts and mary-janes are exactly made for this sort of thing.

Whatever energy she seemed to have for the run, however, seems to drain right out of her. It's like she's caved in on herself, the way she sits on her knees, hand planted into the ground like she's going to pitch forward if she doesn't. ]

She's not-- She can't--

[ The words barely make it out of her mouth before Hinami sinks more fully to the ground, sobbing so hard she's visibly shaking. ]

[Even before Kidou can process the fact that Fueguchi could clear that jump with effortless ease, she's practically falling to the cement on hands and knees like a kite with its string cut. The urgency of the moment seems to crystallize this second as he watches a girl fold in on herself, barely getting any words out before she sinks even further, shoulders shaking with the force of her sobs.

There are a lot of things Kidou can do. He can calculate trajectory within a split second. He can kick a ball on a backflip with pinpoint accuracy and evaluate the physical abilities, strengths and weaknesses of any player within ten minutes. But all of his training and specialization is worthless when it comes to something like this. He stands where he is, watching someone he'd only seen as a friendly nightmare unravel into nothing more than a sobbing wreck of a girl in front of him. While he'd heard there were hints of it there, from her and others, for the first time he can truly see the fragility underneath her friendly attitude.

And he has no idea what to do.

In some attempt to afford her a little privacy, Kidou looks away, towards the nearest edge of the roof. Would that be a relative? Maybe her mother? There was a resemblance, and that reaction... The smart thing to do would be to check the perimeter, see if this is actually a safe place and not just somewhere they'd be easily picked off. Or rather, he would. He can't imagine Fueguchi being easy to harm, not like he would be.

But then Kidou's gaze is dragged back towards her. No. He can imagine it, seeing her like this. He can imagine it all too well; maybe he always could, with how ready he was to leap into action. And while he feels for her, he also feels there's nothing he can do here. She clearly needs someone, but she's stuck with the wrong person for this.]

Fueguchi...

[But his attempt at speech begins and ends there. He's got no words to follow it up with, only discomfort and vaguely defined guilt.]

[ There's the barest amount of thought left, dedicated entirely to the somewhat amusing thought: Kidou probably thinks she's insane right now. Anyone would.

She needs-- She needs to get herself together. Needs to be quiet in case they're tracked down. In case her mother tracks them down.

And that brings a fresh round of sobbing.

It was bad enough in the alley, with her memories playing out in front of her. But this...this is different. This is her mother in the flesh, not a conjured apparition that fades away all too quickly. It hurts so, so, so much more, in a way it hadn't since she'd heard the weapon come down on her mother's head, smelt the blood mixing in the rain. ]

She's-- She's my mother. But s-she can't be because--

[ She's crying so hard she has to stop and cough, desperate gulps of air in between. She sounds like she might start hyperventilating. Somehow, she manages to drag herself back up a little, leaning on her hands again. ]

She's gone, so it can't be her, it can't. [ The words are coming out too quick now, and she can't seem to stop them. It's up in the air whether she's trying to convince Kidou or herself. ] I know she is because I was there. When the Investigator killed her. And then after they-- I held her arm when I found-- T-they cut her up and put her in a bag, and I just wanted to hold her hand one more time and she can't be here!

[ But what if it is? What if it is her mother and she's running away again, leaving her behind again? ]

I tried to find someone, I tried! I brought Onii-chan but we couldn't... I wasn't strong enough to help and now she's back because she hates me--

[ Live her mother had said. And Hinami tried, tried to continue living for her. But what if--

The what-if's are the worst. ]

[Kidou makes a small involuntary noise in the back of his throat at 'they cut her up and put her in a bag', tempted to step back in a futile attempt to ward off that imagery. Instead, he slowly sits down across from her, pulling his knees up in front of his chest and holding them there with an arm.

He couldn't find anything to say before this explanation. To his frustration and dismay, he still can't. But what he can do is at least signal that he's here, for whatever tiny scrap that serves. Even though it's true that he'd be here anyway; there's really not anywhere for him to go.

The emotional approach is useless, especially if he wants to stay calm. And he has to stay calm, so he'll need to find another.]

I met someone earlier -

[Kidou starts, his voice somehow still steady despite the topic,]

- with people from his past following him. Illusions of them, nothing more.

[It's easier to take this angle. If he can tackle this as a puzzle he could potentially solve, there's slightly less time for him to focus on the horror of what he's just heard, and witnessed. That can be nothing compared to what Fueguchi's gone through. And yet, a horrible, traitorous little voice whispers in his head, it's nothing compared to what ghouls must be able to inflict on humans to begin with.

This sounds alarmingly like a cycle. He shoves that thought down and continues his spoken train of thought instead.]

He said the only similarity between them was he felt he should have done better by each of them. This and that could be similar things.

[It wouldn't be accurate to say that she didn't hate Fueguchi. Kidou doesn't know that. It's not his place to pretend he does. The one thing he can do is potentially offer her data.]

[ Kidou's presence seems to soothe her, at least somewhat. It's a little like she can breath again. There's someone here, that's enough. ]

I...could have.

[ Hinami could have done so much better by her mother. Done something other than run away. ]

I was too weak to help her. She told me to run and I did-- I could have done so much better.

[ Of course her mother had told her to run, Hinami knows. Of course she had, because Ryoko Fueguchi would not hesitate to lay down her life for her child's. What mother would? And yet the feeling is still there, that she should have stayed and done...something. Anything but flee.

But it...helps, oddly enough. Helps to know that maybe that's what this is. She wants to cling to it, to the hope that it's not her angry mother come back for revenge, somehow. Even if that'd be so unlike her, there'd been so many nightmares like that after Ryoko Fueguchi had died. ]

[To Kidou's relief, Fueguchi takes that offered out readily. Unfortunately, that now means he's got no further ideas on how to steer this to somewhere that doesn't have him trying to figure out how to handle this. For all Kidou's desire to know what he can about ImPorts, it's not often that he finds his lack of knowledge hinders him on a level that isn't a tactical evaluation. So instead of trying to say anything much, he'll just add a little more uncertainty to that probability.

That could be the entirely wrong direction to go - how is he to know? It's merely clear that he can't say nothing. It seems that would be worse.]

Maybe.

[... and he'll leave it at that. Maybe she could have done better. Maybe there really was nothing she could have done. Maybe worse could have happened. A lot can be said with just 'maybe', sometimes without even knowing what you're saying.

And maybe Kidou will get sleep tonight after this -- but he doubts it.]

[ Her tears haven't quite dried up, but she's not violently sobbing any longer. Something about Kidou's calm is definitely helping. She rubs at her eyes, trying to smile but it's weak and barely there. It's...there's something different about the way it makes her feel, not having that outpouring of sympathy that her problems usually get. With someone closer to her age, she prefers it, she realizes. She isn't being handled with child gloves for fear of upsetting her more, or being soothed. She's being treated as an equal, or as much of one as Kidou can manage.

It's not that she feels coddled by, say Kaneki but...it's so hard sometimes to stay positive about everything, to keep from worrying the people she loves. And she tries, because Kaneki has so much to handle already, he doesn't need a crying Hinami on his plate too. ]

Kikkun...thank you. [ It still hurts, she stills wants to lay down and cry for hours. But it's not so overwhelming with something else to focus on. With the thought of this only being an illusion to cling to. ] I'm sorry, I didn't... I-I was panicking and...what happened with Mama...

[ She hadn't exactly planned on spilling disturbing details to him. Only two people in this world knew that true extent of what Hinami had been put through by the Mado. ]

I try to remember her the way she was...and seeing her like that...

[Either the situation is dire enough, or it's been long enough, that Kidou seems to have simply accepted that 'Kikkun' is what Fueguchi refers to him as. There's no reaction at all to it this time.]

It's understandable. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't react badly to that.

[He won't - can't - say 'it's alright'. It wasn't. And from what she'd told him already, it probably never could be. So while that might be a standard phrase to offer someone, it's an utterly useless statement to Kidou that he isn't going to rely on. For his own problems, maybe. Never for someone else's.

He offers her a wan smile then, more sad than anything else.]

But... at least you can remember her.

[ What a weird picture they must make, Hinami thinks, as she moves to mirror the way Kidou is sitting. Two kids sitting on a roof they shouldn't have been able to get onto, looking tired and sad. She's pretty sure her face is probably a blotchy mess. ]

I'm scared I'll forget her sometimes. Or Papa. Someone once told me...for me to turn out, as a Ghoul, the way I am must mean I've been loved and protected. And it's true. I'm really lucky. Almost every Ghoul I know lost their parents when they were younger than me...that's just how it is, with humans and ghouls fighting the way we do.

[ She was different from Ghouls in so very many ways, and even after both of her parents were gone...their entire group had worked hard to keep her sheltered and protected. ]

I could never go to school, it wasn't safe. So she taught me to read and write all by herself. She'd make my clothes by hand. She was so kind, she never wanted to hurt anyone...she didn't deserve...

They turned her into a weapon, her and Papa. [ She needs to make him understand, it feels a little bit like. Maybe the Investigators have reason for the these they do, but-- Ghouls have theirs too, and maybe Kidou is the only person who can be logical enough to set aside emotion and see that too. Or maybe it's just to get it off her own chest, with all these feelings welling up and trying to push their way out. ] If they were going to find me and kill me too, I think I was okay with that, in a way. If I could be with my parents again, then...if I really didn't have any right to exist... But that man...that's what the Investigators do. They take our kagunes and they use them to kill us. He had both Mama and Papa, and it was...

I try to remember the good things, but sometimes that's all I can remember too.

[ Kagunes are incredibly personal to Ghouls, rarely even pulled out outside of fighting. Seeing her parents' used had been like watching their corpses be used. Hinami wipes at her eyes, already a painful red. ]

When I saw her in the school...all I could think was that she came back because she hated me for letting her die. Or she hated me for not killing that man when I had the chance. For not getting revenge for her and Papa when he was right there to let me do it. But I didn't want to get revenge. I wasn't angry, I was just...sad.

[ Because Kidou's thought before was right: Between humans and Ghouls, it's a never ending cycle, one of hatred and revenge. Investigator kills Ghoul for killing their loved one, Ghoul's loved ones kill Investigators in revenge, and it just keeps going. ]

Edited 2017-04-11 22:32 (UTC)

[All the while, Kidou's listening. He doesn't interrupt. He doesn't react. He's let his face slide down into a calm mask by now, focusing on his breathing and her words together. All of this is horrific. No... horrific doesn't begin to describe it. No one single word would ever be adequate for any of this.

Not the fact that ghouls exist. Not the fact that people rip out organs - that was what she'd said a kagune was, wasn't it? something like a hunting organ? - in order to kill other ghouls with them. Not the fact that someone with a personality like Fueguchi had to suffer something like that. Nor the fact that someone who can only exist by killing other people would have the personality of Fueguchi at all, or ...

But that was it, wasn't it? That prejudice he's been facing this whole time, his own unease and fear dealing with Fueguchi and Kaneki both makes this understandable why any of this would happen. Even when the knowledge sinks like a swallowed stone in his stomach, twisting at his insides until it even hurts to swallow, Kidou can't say he can't understand. He can see exactly why people would want someone like Fueguchi dead. He hates that about himself, but he can see it. But... at the same time... there was nothing but injustice about the world she describes. He'd find it infuriating if he didn't also feel that it was closer to tragic. As it is, he has to settle for awful ambivalence between the two.

And still, Kidou stays calm on the surface, his composure unshakable now that he knows what he might have to expect. There's nothing to be done about any of this now except listen and let it seep in. Kidou can't help thinking he should be growing numb to this kind of thing by now, but each new tiny piece to this puzzle is a new splinter of ice in his heart.

That suspicion about this being a cycle returns, nagging at the back of his mind with increasing insistence. Sometimes, the worst part about being a tactician is being right.

He breathes in again, and out. And when he's sure he can keep any tension out of his voice, after he's arranged the sentence he wants to use in his head, then he replies. Is it cowardice on his part to just not address 90% of anything she's said, or is it being helpful? Kidou isn't even sure himself, and he's not overly eager to search within himself to confirm he's avoiding things.

Hopefully, he'll just look thoughtful for a few moments, and nothing more, but he doesn't look as neutrally composed as he wishes he did.]

...

Even when it seems like it's the right thing to do, acting with revenge in mind makes everyone else suffer.

[Kidou manages to shove some of the damning softness from his expression as he comes around to a definitive statement. It's both experience and resolve that give him that much.]

It takes a truly strong person to step above that.

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weep not for the memories

I'm so glad, this is my favorite thing

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