maskormenacelogs | you said i want you, i don't want another.

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you said i want you, i don't want another.

WHO: kirei kotomine & danger.
WHERE: the beach.
WHEN: valentine's day.
WHAT: normal friends, normal walk.
WARNINGS: these characters tho.

[ danger sits on a bench facing the shore, watching as the water laps against the sand and the colors overhead shift into something warm with the approach of early evening. her face is as passive as it ever is, unreadable despite the stream of thoughts running through her mind. she had much to consider after her time spent with dr. gideon-- the physical evidence of which she hadn't bothered to hide. underneath her open jacket, her loose shirt was visibly stained with blood.

she is due to meet with kirei now-- another man who often weighed on her thoughts, perhaps even more so than usual lately. she'd been dwelling on what he'd said to her the other day (all parts of you), letting those words replace the irritation she'd felt towards him after their pseudo-family dinner at the house.

no one had ever accepted all of her before. not even the man that had claimed to love her most of all. ]

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[ Given the occasion, and the weather, Kirei is dressed differently than his usual fair. The long overcoat is absent, as are his regular vestments. Instead there is merely plain black slacks and a simple buttoned shirt, the stark white of it making the gold of his cross even more obvious. The cross is the same style as the one he gave her, just a few months ago, as a Christmas gift.

It's easy to spot the owner of that matching cross where she sits on the beach. Her vibrant locks of hair stand out against the sandy white of the beach, and he smiles faintly as he comes up from behind her. ]

Danger. Were you waiting long?

[ the sound of his voice makes her posture straighten in recognition before she turns to look over her shoulder, her steady stare finding him as he approaches her. finally, she rises from the bench to meet him. the cross he gave her sways at her neck as she moves, catching the light. ]

Kirei.

[ she greets him simply, giving him an almost curious once-over. it's unusual for her, to seem him dressed this way-- not unpleasant, but different. if she'd had a stronger sense of what constituted style or human aesthetics, maybe she would have been self-conscious of her own casual, bloodied clothes.

when she goes on, the words are slightly detached, the phrase nascent on the tip of her tongue as her lips form the syllables for the first time: ]

Happy Valentine's Day.

[ Valentine's Day. He has celebrated it before, partially, in the years spent with his wife, but those are distant memories now. He can't recall the specifics, or if he ever impressed her, as men are meant to do for women. He tried, that is without doubt, but Kirei cannot remember if he succeeded.

It doesn't matter. That experience wouldn't help him much here. Danger is an entirely separate entity.

His own once-over of Danger is full of curiousity as well, but for an entirely separate reason. ]

Your clothes.

[ The blood stands out, and he looks at her hands and her face, seeing no immediate injury. ]

Are you hurt?

[ she glances down at the blood staining her shirt, pausing a moment before her hands move to carefully zip up her jacket, concealing the telltale evidence. that was uncharacteristically careless of her-- but then again, it had been somewhat unusual circumstances, and perhaps she had been distracted. ]

I am unharmed. But it has been an eventful day.

[ her answer comes simply, purposefully vague. after a moment, she gestures ahead of them. ]

Would you like to walk with me?

[ Kirei accepts the reply simply enough. He won't pry -- not yet at least; her hiding the stains proves she isn't willing to speak. This is a matter for another time.

But he won't forget it. ]

I would. [ He consents instead, and he thinks for a moment. He recalls what Danger said on the Network, about the man who claimed to love her. She said they would kiss, and hold hands.

After a moment, he reaches for the hand that gestured forward, gripping it in his own. ]

[ there's tension in her arm when she feels his hand unexpectedly grasp her own, visibly drawing her attention as she glances first at where their hands meet and then up towards his face, something questioning in her expression-- as if, coming from him, she doesn't understand the gesture.

but she doesn't pull away. even if there's no sentiment on his part, there's something oddly reassuring-- and familiar-- about feeling her hand in someone else's.

finally, in her quiet way: ]

Are you experimenting again, Kirei?

[ Her hand feels different than he'd expect. It's soft, despite how deadly she can be with her fists. Perhaps there's some appeal in that: a hidden threat.

It also makes him wonder how easily her bones would break. He is strong enough to do it; she trusts him enough to not anticipate and brace for it. He could twist and squeeze down, and feel every finger snap and break under his own.

He keeps that thought aside for now. ]

I am. I have renewed my effort. [ There is no reason to disguise it. ] I never thought myself capable of friendship, but you proved me wrong. Perhaps I am wrong about other things.

[ she wonders if that should make her angry-- to be used by someone this way. but a part of her is sympathetic, despite whatever conflict she feels over their circumstances. like him, she doesn't yet understand her own emotions. she experiments often, engaging with other sentient beings that could bring out something new inside of her. perhaps madison jeffries had been an experiment of sorts too, no matter how genuinely she had cared for him.

at the very least, kirei is honest with her when it comes to this. ]

Acknowledged. [ she responds, letting their hands remain linked. after another moment, she goes on: ] Do you wish to be proved wrong?

I wish for any definitive response. [ It's simple enough to say. It's hard for him to have any real answers - most are shadowed in ambiguity. ] And for your company.

[ Danger is different from anyone he has ever met; she understands. Not perfectly, of course, but no one else has even come close.

He turns his attention outward, nodding towards the space around them. ]

Do you enjoy it here?

[ when he nods towards their surroundings, she lets her attention shift from the way he holds her hand to the things around them. she assumes humans find this beautiful-- the water lapping up against the shore, the wash of colors as the sun sets over the waves. beauty, like other things, she has yet to fully define for herself. ]

It is not entirely unpleasant. But I prefer the sterility of a lab. [ a brief beat. ] Dr. Gideon and I were observing the couples here earlier. This location appears to be a popular destination for humans with romantic intentions, though I could not tell you specifically why.

Dr. Gideon? [ His curiosity is simply that. There is no undercurrent of suspicion or jealousy; he would have to be capable of affection for that to factor in. ] A walk on the beach is said to be romantic; I could not be the one to tell you why.

[ Not Kirei, with his distorted sense of beauty and his defective heart. There should be sincerity, with the way the waves spill against the shore, but he sees no point to it. ]

I might also come to prefer your lab.

Dr. Gideon and I had made plans together. I cannot properly say if we are friends, but there is a certain element of kinship. We are similar in some ways, not unlike you and I.

[ she tries to call up her own definition of "romance" in her mind. it's a frustratingly vague concept to her, something made up of small moments and memories more than anything that can be properly calculated, or even articulated into concise words. she thinks about the microchip she'd installed into madison's brain-- a gift that others had found disturbing, and in her mind, had been a way of protecting him, of being with him always.

holding hands with madison had seemed romantic too. but she isn't sure now, if this feels the same. it's different. kirei is different. ]

Perhaps a human woman would have been more appreciative of this outing-- and your gestures.

[ Kirei accepts this with a nod. He has not spoken much to Abel Gideon, and now he wonders if he should pursue that man with more interest. If Danger is correct, and they are similar... there may be something to be learned here as well.

What Danger says next causes him to pause. He arches a brow, then shakes his head. ]

I think not. [ He says simply. ] You company suits me better. I can tell you the truth -- that the ocean, for all of its so-called beauty, does not move me -- and you understand. Another person would not.

It would be false.

[ With Danger, he can be honest. For the first time, he can act as he wants. ]

Edited (where did that letter come from why) 2014-02-17 20:13 (UTC)

[ she glances out towards the ocean at its mention, watching the rhythmic push and pull of the waves against the sand for a long moment as he speaks to her. a part of her wants to learn-- how to appreciate something like this, to see it the way humans do, to be moved by it. but another part sees no use for such a sentiment, finding it superfluous and illogical. ]

But you are not immovable. Destruction moves you. And pain. [ she says these things without judgment. they are only observations, things she has come to know about him. ] Even your wife, who you claim to have not loved-- did you not find her beautiful at times, in her illness and in her longing for you?

[ Danger's question leaves him quiet for a moment; thoughtful. He watches the waves, which are apparently calming to most, but the rhythm of the ocean seems as taxing as a ticking clock. ]

I did, and I loathed myself for the reaction -- so I locked it away. I denied it. [ As such, the feelings were never truly realized. He buried them and refused to accept what they meant. He focuses on Danger again, on those white eyes. ] I have grown past that; I have accepted what I am.

But you, Danger -- what things do you find beautiful?

[ she considers his question a moment in turn. beauty, like happiness, is something she has tried to define for herself many times before-- yet the word remains blurred at the edges in her mind, only slowly and gradually sharpened into something more real as she experiences the world around her. the concept is still vague, not quite carrying weight in her heart just yet.

finally, a simple admission: ]

I am unsure. I was not taught what should be seen as beautiful.

Edited (belatedly fixes typos ten million years later during lecture...) 2014-02-18 17:37 (UTC)

Perhaps that is for the best; you can learn it on your own.

[ It doesn't necessarily comfort him, to know she has no concept of beauty. She is not born human, so her artificial nature excuses that -- but Kirei has no such explanation. Danger can learn, choosing whatever path she pleases, but Kirei cannot change his own distorted image. ]

I am curious to see what you would choose.

[ she dwells on how much she might change over time. her existence is indefinite-- she isn't restrained by mortality like humans are. it's difficult to imagine how she might be in a few years, in ten, in a hundred. will she know happiness then? beauty? will she have loved again by then?

her thoughts drift too easily in this body. without wires and circuits, it sometimes takes conscious effort to focus in the way that would be natural in her mechanical form. ]

Perhaps there will be time for us to find out. [ her response comes at length. ] There is much for both of us to learn. We will grow together.

I would not be so sure of that.

[ Kirei pauses in step, even releasing the grip on her hand to kneel in the soft, warm sand. He slides his hand against it, smoothing out the grains into a flat surface. ] You see, Danger, you are in many ways a blank canvas.

[ He presses with one finger, drawing a circle in the sand. ] Impressions have yet to be made on you. You can learn anything. Your potential is limitless. Whereas I...

[ Kirei smooths the sand over again, erasing trace of the mark he'd made. ]

I am already distorted.

[ she watches as he crouches on the beach, her eyes following the movement of his hand drawing that shape in the sand. her own hand feels suddenly, poignantly empty in the absence of his. ]

I am not so untouched as that.

[ finally, she answer comes, quiet and steady. ]

There are parts of my programming that I will never escape. And perhaps I feel little desire to. [ a brief beat, before she goes on: ] Do you not wish to learn with me? I had thought that was what you wanted.

It is what I want. [ He affirms, and he rises back to his full height. He brushes his hands together, ridding them of the lingering sand. ] But we will learn in different ways.

You say you are not sure what you find beautiful, whereas I already know my definition of the word. [ smoldering fire and ash. destruction. death. the sound in a person's throat, when they try to breath and choke on it, suffocating. ] I want to know if someone like you, could ever understand things as they are seen by someone like me -- or, if you will follow the standards of the rest of human nature.

Then perhaps I'll know for certain if I am a mistake.

[ she doesn't know why what he says makes her feel suddenly defensive for his sake-- as if it seems unfair to her that such an important part of how he perceives himself should depend on a broken and angry artificial intelligence. ]

Your perspective is valid regardless of my experiences. [ she insists, reaching out to grasp his arm by the wrist. her grip is solid and steady, like she is. ] Being different does not make you a mistake. It simply makes you that-- different. You do not need to justify your existence to anyone.

[ it's hard to say if she says that more for him or for herself. ]

[ There is her anger: something that her very name betrays to be the core of her. Anger. Violence. Risk. Danger.

Kirei tips his head. Close as they are, it lets his forehead press against hers. ]

Then do you think it's valid for me to live, even as corrupt as I am? [ He asks, his voice deceptively soft, very quiet now that they are close enough to allow even whispers to be heard. ] It may be valid, but is it right? If it is my nature to be cruel, is it my fate to be forever unsatisfied as I deny myself? Since I must adhere to laws which demand I be tame and kind, where I am neither? Or, is it then fair that I live as a monster of a human, the way I have been since birth? Is my evil justified?

Is it fair to you, programmed as a creature of perfect violence, to be shamed for carrying out your duty? Shamed for doing your task too well?

[ she doesn't know why this line of questioning makes frustration swell inside her. her anger is quiet and unfocused, directed at nothing that presents itself to her in the physical world. maybe it's just the fact that she struggles to articulate herself now, to find the words to describe what she feels. emotions are not like facts. she cannot recite them like numbers and figures.

finally, with a hint of impatience in her voice as her eyes, narrowed, avert themselves: ]

I don't know. [ she dislikes confessing that as a general rule. ] But you exist as you have been made. Your existence, even if it is flawed by some standard, can be blamed on no one-- except perhaps your creator and their will. You and I are as we are by design, and by that logic, we are as we were meant to be, even if we do not yet understand the full extent of what that means.

[ Kirei smiles.

Danger's way of speaking resounds with something inside of him. It isn't like Gilgamesh's dark suggestive tones, or Claudia's sincerity; Danger knows what this means, and that kinship makes her words all the more valuable. ]

Not yet. [ He repeats with agreement, idly touching a bit of her hair and brushing it back behind her ear. ] But in time. Together.

[ His hand moves to touch her face, the way she said her lover used to. ]

You are important to me, Danger; I haven't been able to say that about another person before. Not truly.

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