October Catch-All

[dendarii]

WHO: Miles, various
WHERE: Various as well!
WHEN: October
WHAT: Catch-all plus open prompts as time/inclination arises
WARNINGS: The usual VKS ones. Probably some discussion of suicide.

Comments

[dendarii]

[ Miles flinches bodily at that. ]

I'm saying it wasn't easy. So I shouldn't have assumed you'd already be at the same conclusion I'd come to. We haven't had the same experiences.

[jacksonian]

[ He kicks his feet against the ground. He still doesn't look at Miles. ]

Yeah. Well. You're not exactly good at thinking about people who aren't you.

[dendarii]

[ Softly: ]

No. I'm not.

[ He moves to sit down on Mark's bed, legs swinging gently. ]

Can you ... tell me, then? What you think about all of that. What experiences you have had, f any.

[jacksonian]

[ A miserable laugh threatens to bubble up from his throat. Mark swallows it down. The thought of telling Miles his experiences -

No. The closest he'll come is this, and even this is said only with difficulty. ]

I was trained to hate Aral Vorkosigan. Which meant hating everything he'd done in his life. Including things that he might or might not actually have done.

[dendarii]

[ It takes Miles a moment to realize what Mark means. ]

His bisexuality? Loving my mother? Both?

[jacksonian]

[ A low, quiet scoff. ]

Ser Galen didn't think that he loved Cordelia Naismith.

[ Seeing the clear adoration between the two of them...has meant a lot to Mark. For a number of reasons. ]

[dendarii]

He was wrong, then. But you knew that already.

[jacksonian]

[ A shrug. This one less unhappy. ]

Yeah. Of course I do.

[dendarii]

[ Miles pauses a moment, weighing how to phrase his next comment. ]

Then ... Da's bisexuality?

[jacksonian]

[ A quiet, reluctant grunt of affirmation. ]

[dendarii]

... I was conflicted too. When he told me, I was somewhat horrified, even - I'd picked so many fights defending him on that point. And that's without having been raised by his enemy.

[jacksonian]

[ An awkward shrug. And, just to say something - even though it sounds stupid, saying this - ]

Yeah. Well. I never picked any fights to defend him or anything.

[dendarii]

I imagine not. I - [ Would have done much the same, he almost says, but decides not to draw the comparison. ] - grew up differently. So, different reactions.

[jacksonian]

[ He's quiet a moment, fiddling with his keyboard, before he says: ]

I don't care if other people are, though. I'm not actually - disgusted by any of you. It's not like that. But I'm not. I can't be. Do you understand?

[dendarii]

Of course. And I'm very glad of that. [ He's quick to reassure on that point... before going for the unspoken part of Mark's comment. ] Would you be disgusted by yourself, though?

[jacksonian]

[ His lips press together; his fingers curl into fists. ]

I don't think you really want to have this conversation.

[dendarii]

I do, Mark. If it's troubling you, I want to listen.

[jacksonian]

Yeah, well, I don't want to talk about it.

[dendarii]

Will you tell me later if you do?

[jacksonian]

[ In frustration, he cracks a bit - ]

Look, I can't - be - with a guy. I can't be with anyone. Okay?

[dendarii]

[ That startles him. Not the part about guys - he'd expected as much from the rest of Mark's response - but no one at all? What? Even keeping in mind that Mark isn't him, that not everyone craves relationships the same way Miles does... ]

You can't? Why?

[jacksonian]

[ He shakes his head and hunches down. He folds his arms across himself defensively. ]

I just mean - I shouldn't. I don't want to.

[dendarii]

Why shouldn't, then? What did Ser Galen tell you? That because he'd cloned you from me you had no right to anything like this?

[jacksonian]

He didn't tell me anything.

[ He shakes his head, cutting that off. And he turns, instead, to what he sees as an equally valid reason: ]

I'm screwed up. No one should have to deal with me.

[dendarii]

[ That hits Miles straight in the heart. How many times has he thought that about himself? How much poison still lingers at the bottom of his psyche as a result? He still can't fully believe that it's not true even now. ]

It's not true. [ Miles clenches the bedspread to keep his hands from shaking. ] Love is not a thing that requires the recipient to be deserving.