October Catch-All

[dendarii]

WHO: Miles, various
WHERE: Various as well!
WHEN: October
WHAT: Catch-all plus open prompts as time/inclination arises
WARNINGS: The usual VKS ones. Probably some discussion of suicide.

Comments

[dendarii]

Of course. And I'm very glad of that. [ He's quick to reassure on that point... before going for the unspoken part of Mark's comment. ] Would you be disgusted by yourself, though?

[jacksonian]

[ His lips press together; his fingers curl into fists. ]

I don't think you really want to have this conversation.

[dendarii]

I do, Mark. If it's troubling you, I want to listen.

[jacksonian]

Yeah, well, I don't want to talk about it.

[dendarii]

Will you tell me later if you do?

[jacksonian]

[ In frustration, he cracks a bit - ]

Look, I can't - be - with a guy. I can't be with anyone. Okay?

[dendarii]

[ That startles him. Not the part about guys - he'd expected as much from the rest of Mark's response - but no one at all? What? Even keeping in mind that Mark isn't him, that not everyone craves relationships the same way Miles does... ]

You can't? Why?

[jacksonian]

[ He shakes his head and hunches down. He folds his arms across himself defensively. ]

I just mean - I shouldn't. I don't want to.

[dendarii]

Why shouldn't, then? What did Ser Galen tell you? That because he'd cloned you from me you had no right to anything like this?

[jacksonian]

He didn't tell me anything.

[ He shakes his head, cutting that off. And he turns, instead, to what he sees as an equally valid reason: ]

I'm screwed up. No one should have to deal with me.

[dendarii]

[ That hits Miles straight in the heart. How many times has he thought that about himself? How much poison still lingers at the bottom of his psyche as a result? He still can't fully believe that it's not true even now. ]

It's not true. [ Miles clenches the bedspread to keep his hands from shaking. ] Love is not a thing that requires the recipient to be deserving.

[jacksonian]

[ His lips curve in a miserable, bitter, ironic smile. And he responds: ]

Yeah it is.

[dendarii]

[ Miles shakes his head, hard. ]

No, it's not. You think I'm more deserving than you? Or less - warped?

[jacksonian]

[ And now an outright bitter laugh. He doesn't respond in words - but with the bluntness of that emotion, there's no real need to. He clearly thinks yes. To both. ]

[dendarii]

[ Oh god. He thought his own self esteem issues were bad. ]

It's not true. If anything you're more deserving. You haven't even had a chance at a normal life until now.

[jacksonian]

[ The mirth fades as quickly as it came. ]

Yeah, well, unfortunately, having a screwed-up life isn't enough to actually make anyone want to be around you. It doesn't work like that in the real world.

[dendarii]

And yet, you do have people who want to be around you. Myself included.

[jacksonian]

[ Wow, great, he tries to say sarcastically, but it dies before it reaches his lips. Honestly, a brother isn't so bad. But still not really all he wants out of life. I wish someone, anyone, wanted to touch me - really wanted that, not because they pitied me but because they wanted it...Though honestly, he'd take pity, too. ]

Yeah. You're obligated, though.

[dendarii]

[ Miles can't really help him with that aspect of a relationship, no. ]

I am your brother. That's true. But I'm quite certain Ed and Winry are your friends.

[jacksonian]

[ A little reluctantly: ]

Yeah. They are.

[dendarii]

Do you think they stay with you out of pity? Or obligation?

[jacksonian]

I...guess not. Probably not.

[dendarii]

That's a start, then. I suspect you have more friends than you think.

And family will always be here.

[jacksonian]

[ A grunt. He still doesn't turn around, but there's something less abjectly miserable about the set of his shoulders. ]

Yeah. I'm not complaining about the fact that you're obligated.

[dendarii]

[ Good. He must be making progress. ]

I was determined to be your friend before I knew who you were.