maskormenacelogs | february catch-all;

[Ken doesn't feel the least bit uncomfortable, even with Kaneki not even five feet away. There is every possibility of him attacking, threatening him into silence if it came down to it, but Ken can't bring himself to believe in those chances. Kaneki came to talk, and talk is what they'll do, isn't it?

He rubs his shoulder at the question, his expression clouding briefly.]

I healed it right after, so it'll recover. Right now, it's just a little bit harder to move than the other one.

[ kaneki will step away from the door, leaving the way open in case ken wishes to reach for it. Even if Ken trusts Kaneki, even if he doesn't believe Kaneki would attack him, Kaneki always thinks a bit of how other people would feel about having a ghoul around them. ]

Have you asked anyone to heal you? You should. [ he doesn't know how much Hinami ate, but ghouls can reach bone with one single bite. losing that much muscle could be a problem ]

[He shakes his head.]

I haven't. Not yet. [He moves his hands to clasp them together on his lap.] I don't know about any healers that can fix something that's missing, but I wanted to wait -- if it's about Hinami-chan, I thought you might come talk to me sooner or later.

[ he hums thoughtfully ]

... Hinami-chan is a ghoul. A bit different than me. [ since she wasn't artificially turned like Kaneki ] You know that already.

Ghouls eat humans, they can't eat anything else. it's not something they want to do, but it's something they have to do.

Yes. I went in there because I knew, if Hinami-chan really was similar to you, she wouldn't have been able to eat anything everyone else was provided. But even if it was for her survival, I didn't think she'd be willing to attack anyone for that food.

[It's the whole kindness thing again, which he doesn't bring up now.]

I didn't know the consequences of not eating, but I decided I'd do what I did when I learned the two of you were captured.

[ kaneki falls silent again, thinking of what to say and what questions to ask. The hunger Hinami has felt was certainly just as bad as Kaneki felt too, back during the days when he refused to eat - but the whole thing was a lot more complicated and truly messy. He figures Ken doesn't have to know the details of a dead guard being fed to them, and how Hinami had decided that Kaneki should be the one to eat the most since he is far more unstable and far more vicious than her.

But ken's words beg the question: ]

... did you always suspect she was a ghoul? [ it's not surprising. She is living with kaneki, who admits to what he is, after all. Anyone would suspect. ]

For a while. I kind of figured it out. She didn't go to school in your world, and she's friendly, but she seems almost afraid of people, but she's very attached to you. At the same time, she's close and important to you, too.

[Unless their world had other beings, not just humans and ghouls, it was likely. It never mattered, and still doesn't matter, to Ken what she is -- she was still sweet, still shy, and still his friend, still Hinami -- but when taken out of the protection and provision of the American government, the suspicions had suddenly mattered: Hinami was in more danger than just what was apparent. He rubs gently at his shoulder.]

If it weren't for something like this, I was never going to ask.

Edited 2016-02-05 19:34 (UTC)

Why not?

[ friend or not, Hinami is still... well, a ghoul- and like kaneki has always seen from humans in his world, has been telling Hinami, has been told - if a human knows, it's to expect some serious consequence. Some worry. Some freaking out. Some fear.

He looks away, rethinking his question ]

Why aren't you afraid? You saw what a ghoul can do first hand - you felt it. [ and that was a small one. ]

... You think I'm not afraid?

[He tightens the hand on his shoulder. He can still remember the feeling of teeth tearing into flesh, and there was a deep enough scar for him to feel through his jacket.]

Of course I'm afraid. But she didn't ask to be born a ghoul, did she? She didn't ask for it, but she has to to survive. She held on for as long as she can, even if she was starving.

[ none of the ghouls asked for any of this, but they were still killed left and right. Even the innocent ones, like Hinami's mother. So they never really cared if they asked for it or not. Kaneki never asked for anything that happened to him, that's not the point; it stopped being the point long ago. ]

Why did you come closer? If you suspected she was a ghoul, you know what she would do, Ken.

I knew she could. If she was feeling well, nothing would have happened. But if she wasn't, I thought it would be better than any of the soldiers finding her.

[ no it wouldn't. Attack inga friend when going out of control is thousands of times worst . it's not just about Ken getting hurt; Hinami herself will be plagued with guilt and regret - ghouls already lead such messed up lives, but having to live with the fact that they attacked a friend out of hunger is terrible. Completely fucked up. ]

She didn't mean to do any of that. She was starving and we can't control ourselves when it happens. It's not an excuse, just an explanation.

I understand, Kaneki-san.

[He drops both hands to his lap now, clasping them together, weaving his fingers together.]

I saw her. I know she was struggling to stay in control. It wasn't that she attacked me. I told her to do what she needed to do.

[ Kaneki nods softly ]

I also would prefer if no one knew about her. I know that she is living with me and thus there is always a suspicion, but Hinami-chan couldn't take it. [ to be outed the way kaneki did. No, she wouldn't be able to live like that. ]

... If comes to it, you can put the blame on me. But not her.

[Somehow, he knew it would come to this, too. Ken Kaneki seemed protective of Hinami more than anything else. And that's something Ken can agree to, too: protecting Hinami.]

Nobody will find out, not from me. I promise that. And I'll promise her, too.

Thank you, Ken-kun. [ there is a soft sigh, but Kaneki isn't relaxed. he never will be. Back in his world, the CCG chased after Hinami and she had to livve hidden - he doesn't want the same happening here. She looked so happy with doing mundane things like going to school and making friends. ]

Please ask someone to take a look at your arm. It might infect.

I think I might know someone who can help me. He's someone I trust -- I don't think he will ask or try to find out if I told him I couldn't tell.

[He feels a little like he'd be taking advantage of Tadashi's kindness, but that can't stop him. He can't out Hinami, and he can't push the blame on Kaneki either, no matter what the man may say. He's someone important to his friend. He knows they're friends; he wants to protect her, and she...

He gestures to his desk. There, sitting on top of a couple of books and what looks like a folded letter, is a handmade orange bracelet.] I received that from her, right before all this. She said we were friends -- it's not the same, but I thought I didn't have many friends before coming here, either. I found a lot here, and I want to think she's one of them. It hurt, and I was scared. I can't sleep if I think too much about what I let her do. But I'm not scared of her, or of being her friend.

[He had his eyes on the bracelet as he said so, but now he turns to Kaneki and smiles. It's sincere.]

I'll talk to her too, but please let her know I'll be okay. I'll get my arm fixed, but I healed myself right after that. It won't infect, and I'm doing okay.

[ if whoever is going to heal Ken insist on knowing what exactly happened, Ken can say it was Kaneki; he meant it. he doesn't mind taking blame, he doesn't mind being the monster. He never did because he is.

He nods softly ]

... I will tell her. I'm think she will want to talk to you soon anyway.

All right.

[He'll be happy if she does. He didn't want to scare her away. Speaking of which...]

I'm sorry for doing something that worried you, Kaneki-san.

[ well, he figures he should leave now, but as he hears Ken, Kaneki stops ]

You shouldn't be the one apologizing, Ken. You were the one who got hurt. And I was the one who wasn't able to prevent that. [ Kaneki is the one who should apologize ]

... There are some things that can't be helped. If Hinami-chan was that hungry, you must have been, too.

I'm okay. But you don't have to be the only one who can help or protect her, you know? I'm her friend, too.

[ he smiles but he shakes his head ]

It's complicated to understand for humans, but you can't help. Not about this: not about being a ghoul, not about keeping it hidden, not about feeling hunger, not about biting a friend's shoulder.

I know you mean well. [ but there is nothing else he can do. ]

I don't mean to understand. No matter how hard I try, I won't be able to.

But I still... if she's in danger, I want to be able to help her where I can.

... That's kind.

[ he smiles softly, thinking if he should say his next words. ]

I've tried so hard to protect her from all the things I've seen - and in the end, that only hurt her. [ she can't defend herself or hold back when she is hungry and friend is in front of her. She couldn't even eat if the pieces of flesh looked human. ] We want to help, but you can't always help. This is the reality we face, as ghoul or human.

What I mean is... If you see her hungry, you run. [ he absolutely means it because she will kill you, Ken ]

[Ken is quiet after that, meeting Kaneki's small smile with a sad, small frown. He knows what he means. Sometimes, the things you do to protect someone don't work as you'd intended. Ken has to be careful, too. Even if they could work past it this time, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll be okay next time. She could kill him, easily so, ad Ken knows the pain of being responsible for someone's death more than most people.]

... Okay, [he finally says.] I promise. But, um... you keep saying that it hurt her, or you couldn't protect her. You're right; it's not always possible to protect someone. But I think she'll be okay. Even if she gets hurt -- and that's inevitable -- she has you. It's better than being alone.

I mean, I'm sure you already knew that, but -- she always seems very hapy when she talks about you, Kaneki-san.

february catch-all;

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