maskormenacelogs | february catch-all;

[ none of the ghouls asked for any of this, but they were still killed left and right. Even the innocent ones, like Hinami's mother. So they never really cared if they asked for it or not. Kaneki never asked for anything that happened to him, that's not the point; it stopped being the point long ago. ]

Why did you come closer? If you suspected she was a ghoul, you know what she would do, Ken.

I knew she could. If she was feeling well, nothing would have happened. But if she wasn't, I thought it would be better than any of the soldiers finding her.

[ no it wouldn't. Attack inga friend when going out of control is thousands of times worst . it's not just about Ken getting hurt; Hinami herself will be plagued with guilt and regret - ghouls already lead such messed up lives, but having to live with the fact that they attacked a friend out of hunger is terrible. Completely fucked up. ]

She didn't mean to do any of that. She was starving and we can't control ourselves when it happens. It's not an excuse, just an explanation.

I understand, Kaneki-san.

[He drops both hands to his lap now, clasping them together, weaving his fingers together.]

I saw her. I know she was struggling to stay in control. It wasn't that she attacked me. I told her to do what she needed to do.

[ Kaneki nods softly ]

I also would prefer if no one knew about her. I know that she is living with me and thus there is always a suspicion, but Hinami-chan couldn't take it. [ to be outed the way kaneki did. No, she wouldn't be able to live like that. ]

... If comes to it, you can put the blame on me. But not her.

[Somehow, he knew it would come to this, too. Ken Kaneki seemed protective of Hinami more than anything else. And that's something Ken can agree to, too: protecting Hinami.]

Nobody will find out, not from me. I promise that. And I'll promise her, too.

Thank you, Ken-kun. [ there is a soft sigh, but Kaneki isn't relaxed. he never will be. Back in his world, the CCG chased after Hinami and she had to livve hidden - he doesn't want the same happening here. She looked so happy with doing mundane things like going to school and making friends. ]

Please ask someone to take a look at your arm. It might infect.

I think I might know someone who can help me. He's someone I trust -- I don't think he will ask or try to find out if I told him I couldn't tell.

[He feels a little like he'd be taking advantage of Tadashi's kindness, but that can't stop him. He can't out Hinami, and he can't push the blame on Kaneki either, no matter what the man may say. He's someone important to his friend. He knows they're friends; he wants to protect her, and she...

He gestures to his desk. There, sitting on top of a couple of books and what looks like a folded letter, is a handmade orange bracelet.] I received that from her, right before all this. She said we were friends -- it's not the same, but I thought I didn't have many friends before coming here, either. I found a lot here, and I want to think she's one of them. It hurt, and I was scared. I can't sleep if I think too much about what I let her do. But I'm not scared of her, or of being her friend.

[He had his eyes on the bracelet as he said so, but now he turns to Kaneki and smiles. It's sincere.]

I'll talk to her too, but please let her know I'll be okay. I'll get my arm fixed, but I healed myself right after that. It won't infect, and I'm doing okay.

[ if whoever is going to heal Ken insist on knowing what exactly happened, Ken can say it was Kaneki; he meant it. he doesn't mind taking blame, he doesn't mind being the monster. He never did because he is.

He nods softly ]

... I will tell her. I'm think she will want to talk to you soon anyway.

All right.

[He'll be happy if she does. He didn't want to scare her away. Speaking of which...]

I'm sorry for doing something that worried you, Kaneki-san.

[ well, he figures he should leave now, but as he hears Ken, Kaneki stops ]

You shouldn't be the one apologizing, Ken. You were the one who got hurt. And I was the one who wasn't able to prevent that. [ Kaneki is the one who should apologize ]

... There are some things that can't be helped. If Hinami-chan was that hungry, you must have been, too.

I'm okay. But you don't have to be the only one who can help or protect her, you know? I'm her friend, too.

[ he smiles but he shakes his head ]

It's complicated to understand for humans, but you can't help. Not about this: not about being a ghoul, not about keeping it hidden, not about feeling hunger, not about biting a friend's shoulder.

I know you mean well. [ but there is nothing else he can do. ]

I don't mean to understand. No matter how hard I try, I won't be able to.

But I still... if she's in danger, I want to be able to help her where I can.

... That's kind.

[ he smiles softly, thinking if he should say his next words. ]

I've tried so hard to protect her from all the things I've seen - and in the end, that only hurt her. [ she can't defend herself or hold back when she is hungry and friend is in front of her. She couldn't even eat if the pieces of flesh looked human. ] We want to help, but you can't always help. This is the reality we face, as ghoul or human.

What I mean is... If you see her hungry, you run. [ he absolutely means it because she will kill you, Ken ]

[Ken is quiet after that, meeting Kaneki's small smile with a sad, small frown. He knows what he means. Sometimes, the things you do to protect someone don't work as you'd intended. Ken has to be careful, too. Even if they could work past it this time, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll be okay next time. She could kill him, easily so, ad Ken knows the pain of being responsible for someone's death more than most people.]

... Okay, [he finally says.] I promise. But, um... you keep saying that it hurt her, or you couldn't protect her. You're right; it's not always possible to protect someone. But I think she'll be okay. Even if she gets hurt -- and that's inevitable -- she has you. It's better than being alone.

I mean, I'm sure you already knew that, but -- she always seems very hapy when she talks about you, Kaneki-san.

... I can't be her reason.

She won't have me forever.

[ even if he is here now, he can be ported out and leave her. He can come back as Haise who won't even remember her. Kaneki is going to fade away and die and Hinami will feel in despair, alone. All he is doing right now, is trying to prepare her for the inevitable- for the death of "Kaneki Ken" ]

... [This is where the hesitant, sad look on Ken's face vanishes. He's not angry; there isn't any spike in emotion. In fact, it's quite the opposite. His expression flattens for a moment before he frowns, looking at Kaneki with a quiet but firm conviction.]

Nobody has anybody forever. Everything will end one day, and sometimes the end comes when you're least prepared. Hinami-chan knows that -- I'm sure she does, because we both felt the same way when our mothers got killed.

That doesn't mean she's going to love you any less, Kaneki-san.

[ wait until he comes back with no memories, after arresting Hinami and sending her to "disposal". It's as terrible as it sounds. kaneki doesn't know that last part yet, but when he arrives as Haise? He will.

Then they can talk about love. ]

She can be prepared this time. "Kaneki Ken" will cease to exist and I can't continue to wrap her in a blanket to protect her from reality; she needs to see it.

And what happened to you only proves that.

Losing one "Kaneki Ken" isn't going to break her. Hinami-chan isn't weak. She's already seen a lot of people die, hasn't she? She's probably already been afraid for her entire life.

You don't need to act like you have to remind her that suffering's at every corner. Hinami-chan's been doing her best!

You think what she has seen is terrible. [ It's true, it IS. she saw her mother dying, while Kaneki couldn't even do a thing to help. She also went through her father's death. She has seen her mother and father turned into weapons. But that's not the worst. She has never seen the worst.

Not yet. ]

She is going to see so much more, Ken. [ he knows. he has lived it. After all, Hinami comes from an earlier point in time. ]

I know she is doing her best and I know Hinami-chan is very strong. But she doesn't know that.

...

But that's terrible.

She's going to see worse things, so you're just going to let her live like that? Always thinking that whatever she's going through now, it's just gonna get worse?

No. I'm going to let her live realizing whatever happens, she is more than capable of handling it better than she even wants to believe.

[ it's a problem when all Hinami thinks is that she can't handle herself, that all she believes is that she must have Kaneki or someone else by her side all the time or else she can't do anything. It's a problem because that's a bie lie. ]

february catch-all;

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