maskormenacelogs | [CLOSED] i'm gonna change you like a remix

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[CLOSED] i'm gonna change you like a remix

WHO: Walter White & Jesse Pinkman, Walter White & Mike Parker, possibly others -- this is the catch all penultimate log
WHERE: Around Pennsylvania and Florida
WHEN: January 7th & 8th
WHAT: A few final conversations.
WARNINGS: BrBa spoilers, drug talk, talk of murder, talk of death. Will update for more.

[ Closed to Jesse ]

[ As soon as Walt got the threat in regards to Chilton's life, he knew he couldn't stay in hiding -- that he had to act. So he got in the beat up car he bought off the side of the road and drove down from New Hampshire. He hit Pennsylvania and that was where he had to stop for gas. An inconvenience, but perhaps also a blessing. Walt had only just finished filling his tank when he caught sight of an unmistakable someone across the street.

Walt stared, perhaps a bit dumbstruck in the moment. ]

Jesse...

[ He mumbled, and perhaps it was enough to just see him and go -- the same way he had said his goodbye to his son. But with as much as had happened between them. With their last meeting having ended so disastrously poor, Jesse needed the chance to tell Walt how much he hated him as much as Walt needed the chance to say goodbye. A true ending. Closure for both of them.

Screwing the cap back into place, Walt jogged across the road. There was a chance this could blow up on him, that Jesse would kill him right here and now. And in that case, Chilton would have to find someone else to bail him out. But Walt imagined Jesse wouldn't -- if only because he didn't back home and because he knew this was what Walt wanted him to do. ]

Jesse. [ Was it possible for his heart to swell and break all at once? He felt such emotional dissonance. ]

I'm -- I'm glad you're back.

[ Closed to Mike ]

[ This was the last pitstop, the last place Walt had to go. He headed over to the abandoned car wash parking lot where they first met in person all those months ago. Walt texted Mike to meet him there -- and he purposely told him a time twenty minutes earlier from the time he would get there, knowing Mike and his penchant for being late. Walt couldn't really afford late. He was already running on borrowed time now. Every minute extra could mean impatience, it could mean Chilton getting one minute closer to death.

Walt got out of the car and when he saw Mike, he offered him the weariest of smiles. ]

This won't take long. I have somewhere important I have to go. But how confident do you feel in making my product on your own. Are you ready? We can go through the process one more time if you're not.

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[If Walt's heart is torn, Jesse's is shredded. There isn't a word for what he feels when he hears that voice call his name. It's a shard of ice straight to his spine, and he loses his breath in a sharp exhale as he freezes and turns to meet Walt face-to-face.

Walt is his murderer, yes, but that isn't the last thing Jesse remembers about him. It's been a full year since Walt poisoned him, the memory of it muddled by everything that came after. It's that pain that haunts Jesse more than anything. The scars may be gone but the wounds run deep. Walt will see them in Jesse's eyes as soon as he's close enough. He couldn't conceal it if he wanted to: He's not the Jesse who died in Walt's arms, but the Jesse that Walt rescued from a life of slavery and torture. And as much as he wants to walk away from this - the way he promised himself that he would - Jesse finds that his feet refuse to take him away from his savior.

What a betrayal.

Instead he moves forward, a few steps to meet Walt's approach, and reaches out. Not to attack him or to embrace him, but to clasp the hands that killed him.]

You're still here.

[After nearly a week of silence, he'd begun to think Walt had already carried out his grand suicide.]

[ A shuddering breath is drawn when Jesse turns to him, walks closer -- when he extends the hands for his own. Their touch confirms that he's real. He's alive. And the one person he had hoped to revive from death came back to him -- could live on freely in this world. They made mistakes. Walt made most of them. But the largest mistake he made was killing Jesse, and to see that he had failed fills him with joy.

He can't stop the tears that come to his eyes, nor can he stop the way his thumbs press into skin -- afraid that Jesse will just vanish into thin air; a hallucination or a nightmare. He knows what Jesse has faced. He knows that Jesse has finally caught up and understands everything. There's an unspoken connection between them and a maturity behind Jesse's eyes. And perhaps this is even better because now they get to part on equal ground. ]

I didn't mean to -- I never wanted you to... [ He can't bring himself to say the words. ] I did my damnedest to bring you back, but it didn't work. And then as time went on, I didn't think you were coming back.

[ His eyes lower to the hands. ]

I will be gone by tomorrow at the latest.

[Whether or not Jesse believes Walt - that it was an accident, that he never intended for Jesse to die - is irrelevant. Jesse had been dangerous and out of his mind. With Skye's powers, his instability might have killed hundreds of people. Walt or anyone else would have been in the right to take him down first. It's one act he's already forgiven.

The others, though...

Jesse's fingers curl, gripping Walt's hands more tightly. Walt has to die. Jesse knows that. He won't protest anymore. But the method - Jesse's seen with his own eyes what happens when Walter White wants to go down in a blaze of glory.]

I won't let you hurt any more of them.

[His people.]

[ Walt's good at ignoring his pain. Living with cancer grants one a very high threshold for pain. Even when Jesse's tightened grip on his hands presses into the bandage -- the missing chunk of flesh that Will took -- he doesn't wince. ]

It won't be them. I assure you.

[ And because that might not be assurance enough, Walt goes on to explain the situation. ]

I made a terrible mistake. Well. One of many, really. But this one put Chilton's life in danger. A gang has him. They're holding him for ransom. And I have to get him out of there.

[Chilton, really? After all of this - after murdering everyone else involved in this - Walt's final concern is rescuing Chilton? It's a slap in the face that at least draws Jesse halfway back to reality, and he releases Walt's hands as if he just realized they're covered in shit.]

I hope it was worth it.

[This... legacy. The real reason for Chilton's rescue, Jesse's sure. Someone has to tell the story, write Heisenberg his final narcocorrido.]

[ Walt doesn't quite understand the reasoning behind the response -- Jesse suddenly retracting from him and saying it like that. Chilton was a victim, in Walt's eyes. Blinded was he to Chilton's larger hand of guidance in making this whole thing play out the way it did. ]

He was a friend to me. My closest imPort friendship. Even in my darkest moments, he was still there for me. Of course it's worth it. He wouldn't be where he is right now, if it wasn't for me. I just had to show off -- had to show him what I could do, take him on a ride along to take out a rival gang. But I was sloppy. I didn't take them all out like I should have.

[ Even now, Walt's conditioning bleeds through, believing Chilton the innocent while Walt had condemned him, punished him, tortured him, killed all of his friends and left the man in solitude. ]

[Jesse's not here for this. The last thing he wants right now is to hear Walt wax poetic about his so-called friendship with Frederick fucking Chilton. But it's a good thing, because he's retreating now, which is something he couldn't do moments ago. Taking slow steps back and away from this pathetic man, this weak and frail and desperate man who'd been built up as such an idol in Jesse's delusions.

He's going off to die for something so, so stupid. Good for him.]

[ Walt doesn't know what Jesse wants from him. Why saying that of all things is causing him to close off and turn away. But he doesn't ask or demand answers. And he doesn't try to fix it -- Jesse's shattered image of him is beyond fixing, really. His hands fall against his sides. ]

I guess this is it, then.

[ He starts to walk away as well and then remembers the one last thing he wanted to tell him -- the one last confession he wanted to make. ]

You were right, you know. About Mike, back home. I know you know that, but I wanted to tell you the truth. Because right up until the end, I never admitted that to you.

[Jesse stops and takes a breath. Of course he knows all this. Spoke his suspicions out loud and suffered through Walt's attempt to coach him back into ignorance: I did not kill Mike. I need you to believe this. One of Walt's final attempts to manipulate Jesse's reality.

But that didn't work, and this doesn't work. Admitting to the murder of Jesse's dearest friend a year after the fact, when Walt just finished brutalizing the rest of Jesse's friends here. This isn't a sign of change, to Jesse. Walt only wants to get it off his chest.

Fine. He admits it. Again, good for him.]

I forgive you.

[How's that? Jesse steps forward again, approaching like he's coming in to throttle Walt, only his hands grip Walt's face instead of his throat, seizing his full attention. Violent movement aside, Jesse's voice is soft:]

I forgive you for everything. For Jane, for Mike, for everything you took away from me. I'm done hating you. I don't care about you anymore. And tomorrow, I'm not even gonna think about you.

You're gonna disappear.

[ Walt braces himself, expecting some kind of attack. But he only tenses, doesn't flinch away or try to get out of it. When Jesse grabs his face, Walt's forced to see the weight of the world behind his eyes, the months spent being tortured, and just how drastically he had changed. Though, it's his words that deliver the final, crushing blow. Walt didn't expect to be forgiven. He expected to be hated, despised. But somehow being nothing is that much worse.

He nods to the best of his ability while still being grasped by Jesse's hands and says nothing in response. What can he even say? 'Thank you?' It somehow doesn't seem appropriate in context. And Walt didn't say what he said for forgiveness. He's not trying to act like he's righteous or justified. And he definitely isn't sorry for killing Mike or any of the people here; he's not trying to act like he is. He just wanted to give words to the final lie between them. Walt wanted everything out in the open so Jesse can move forward and if, in some strange circumstance Walt comes back without memories of what had transpired between them and tries to lie his way back into Jesse's life once more, Jesse has already been set free and will see through the bullshit.

And now everything is out in the open. And now they're done. ]

Goodbye, Jesse. I know you'll find your place in this world.

[Jesse has trouble letting go. Physically, he remains trapped there for a moment, holding onto Walt for what might be the very last time. He can only pray it's the last time, that he'll be free after this. But just as much as he wants that freedom, he wants to stay here. He wants to go with Walt and die beside him or save him over and over again, live out this miserable cycle for eternity.

He leans in, pressing his forehead to Walt's and squeezing his eyes shut. It's a struggle to hold in his tears. His shuddering breath betrays that. Jesse strokes Walt's face before his hands drop away, and before he can stop himself, his arms are wrapping themselves around Walt and he's clinging.

He hates himself.]

[ He allows Jesse the lead, falls into his touch so readily. And when he drops away, Walt assumes that will be it. That will be Walter White becoming nothing to Jesse. He doesn't expect the embrace and it causes a breath to be strangled in his throat. Slowly, he reaches up to encircle his former student in his arms -- bringing his hand up to rest against the back of Jesse's head and hold him like the son he always wished he had.

Wished he had, but didn't. He never had Jesse in that way. It was like capturing a bird, clipping their wings so they could never fly, and shoving them in a cage. And now, after years -- the bird's wings grew back and he's being set free into the world. But the world is frighteningly larger than they remember, and it will take a bit longer to fit into their former life once more.

Walt doesn't bother to wipe his tears away as he pulls back, rests his hands on Jesse's shoulders and looks at him eye level. He wants to say something, but he finds he has no words. So instead there's merely an unspoken: I know you can do this behind his gaze. ]

[Can he? Can he do this? Because Jesse isn't sure. He doesn't have the momentum of his escape to push him forward, no police sirens in the distance to force him into the car and away from Walt forever. Is he ready? Is he strong enough? Can he stand on his own?

Tears stain his cheeks as he looks into Walt's eyes and the anger melts away. He meant what he said - he's going to push Walt from his mind the moment he's gone - but the moment isn't here yet and Jesse's overwhelmed with love. For the man who saved him. For the man who destroyed him. Heisenberg has taken possession of his soul and there's no purging that influence, not even after the man is dead. Jesse understands that as Walt holds his gaze. Like all the rest of the horror, Jesse is a part of Walter White's legacy.

He can do this. He can do this.

Jesse takes hold of Walt's arms, drawing those hands off his shoulders. A puppet removing his strings, isn't that right? With slow steadiness, he forces Walt off of him and retreats, eye contact unbroken for those first few steps. He's free, but he isn't. Walt must know that, despite Jesse's words. The partnership endures. They're just ghosts now - to each other, to the world.

At last breaking that final lingering stare, Jesse turns and walks away.]

[There was a time when Mike Parker practically revered Walt White.

And then a time when Mike Parker was pretty sure Walt White was some kind of crazy. Possibly even some kind of dangerous crazy. Like a meth-making axe murderer or something.

But seven months of homelessness, two months of sobriety, one crash course on cooking high quality meth, and a jungle adventure later, Mike's opinions on everything and everyone are changing. Walt White is now just The Boss. The kingpin no longer inspires awe or (much) fear in Mike, but his word remains law and Mike is ever-loyal.

Ever-loyal but still kind of shit at managing time. Mike's late, just as Walt predicted he would be, but he steps out of his car sporting a new look: he's gotten a haircut, one of those longer buzz cuts, and he's wearing a shirt and jacket that appear to have actually been laundered, as opposed to slept in and washed off in the rain.

He walks over to Walt, returning that tired smile with one of his own. Man, but Walt does look beat. What's he been up to? Working out the kinks on how to get out of this world, maybe?]

I'm ready, Boss.

[He nods a little. As ready as he'll ever be. No need to go through it all again.]

There anything else you need?

Just know that it's all in your hands now.

[ Walt is surprised by Mike's clean, fresh look. But he doesn't comment on it. Maybe there's some special reason behind it. Or maybe this is just all the sign Walt needs that everything's going to be just fine after he goes. Look at Mike, putting his life together -- looking every bit like a new boss should and no longer the lackey dog he once had been. ]

In a few hours, I will be leaving for good. You have my men. You have my equipment. And I also have a safe house out in New Mexico. The coordinates are here if you need to use it.

[ He pulls out a lottery ticket with the coordinates locked in as numbers. ]

[Mike nods again, his expression grave. He knows. He takes the ticket, gives it a look, and slips it into his pocket.]

I'll check it out sometime. [Go mingle with the Navajo neighbors.] Don't expect a lot of trouble, though. Government's awful busy with the Russian stuff, heroes usually have their hands full with the real villains... [The real villains. The people who attack Swearing-In Ceremonies, the people who turn towns into jungles, the people who go on murder sprees. You know, those people.] Think I can handle everything else. Might hire a couple imPorts to help out.

[Speaking of imPorts-]

You still want that Chilton guy protected, yeah?

[ Good thing Walt doesn't have the chance to go through with Plan A of murder spree AT the Swear In, huh?? ]

I would recommend against allowing any imPort lawyer in on what you're doing. They're all terrible and will betray you at the prospect of a larger payout somewhere else.

[ Still bitter about that? Still bitter! Though the question about Chilton causes Walt's heart to clench. It reminds him that as he's sitting here bitching about Jeff and Saul, Chilton is there -- suffering. ]

Yes, actually. And maybe you can do me a favor in regards to that. He's in a situation right now as we speak. I'll be getting him out, but who knows what sort of state he'll be in. I can give him my burner and tell him to give you a call if he needs a ride out of there -- if he can't drive on his own. But only if you aren't busy. He can compensate you well for your troubles.

[ He will be getting pretty much all of Walt's money anyway. ]

[Thank you for your service to the imPort community, local criminals menacing Chilton.]

No imPort lawyers... [Hmmm. Mike knows and is on relatively good terms with two imPort lawyers. He has to wonder if Walt is referring to either of them. Something to look into later. Walt's advice seems solid, anyway. Even a friendly lawyer might stab you in the back for money.] Yeah, okay.

[But then Walt's talking about how Chilton's already in some kind of trouble and he might need a ride out of somewhere and wow, that's probably not a good sign. Does this head doc pick a lot of fights or what?]

No, no, I'm not busy. You can... I mean, sure. Anything I can do.

[In for a penny, in for a pound.]

Thank you.

[ He reaches out and places his hand on Mike's shoulder, clasping it firmly. The gratitude is for much, much more than simply helping out now. And he hopes Mike knows that. He hopes Mike knows how much Walt appreciated his work over nearly a year. He hopes Mike goes on to be successful with everything Walt's leaving him. ]

It's all up to you now, the business. You have what it takes to be an even better boss than I ever could have been. I wish you the best in everything.

[Mike flinches at the hand on his shoulder but sucks in a shaky breath and manages to keep his cool. Don't cry in front of the boss. Even if you're pretty sure you're not cut out for the responsibilities he's so generously handing over to you, don't cry.]

Thank you, Boss. For everything. [The job, the money, this super daunting opportunity to be something more than just another disposable street dealer...]

You're probably the smartest guy I've ever known... All you've done with the business. [Mr. Eighty Million and that was only his cut.] And figurin' out a way out of this place when no one else has.

[He wishes he could ask what that way out was, but he knows he can't. This is something that belongs to Walt White alone. For now.]

Hope it all works out the way you're wantin' it to. I'll do whatever I can for Chilton.

[Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Mike steps back. Go, Walt. Go save your head doc and free yourself from this world, you crazy son of a bitch.]

[ He had already thanked Mike, so there's nothing more for him to do other than offer him a faint but emotional smile. At the very least, in spite of Chilton's best efforts -- Walt didn't lose his humanity. Not fully. Not to the point where he didn't appreciate these connections and important people he met in this world.

He nods once. Twice. Stuffs his hands in his jacket pockets. And with a final, lingering look -- Walt takes a step back. ]

Goodbye, Mike. I wish you the best.

[ And he doesn't waste anymore time -- getting back into his car and heading on his way. It might not be the ending he wanted, but it's still an ending. Whether Mike can make things work with this new beginning or not -- that's up to him. But at least he has a chance to be something more. At the very least, Walt hadn't destroyed Mike's life right along with the others. ]

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[CLOSED] i'm gonna change you like a remix

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