maskormenacelogs | OCTOBER CATCH-ALL

[ When he got to the door, after the initial thought of: 'what if Jaime started smoking? Well I can't exactly stop him but maybe I should do something about it...' he was struck by how lonely he looked. Oh, he knew Jaime wasn't exactly lonely, but in that moment? Yeah, it looked less that he was his usual self, and more like something was wrong. No wonder he missed lunch, if he was more concerned about sitting in deep thought than he was food.

Then again, Kaidan couldn't blame him, being the sort that was also often caught in deep thought -- although the difference was that he could sometimes only be roused by the siren call of dinner. When he looked him over, he just crossed his arms over his chest, and leaned against the door, eyebrows knitted together with what was pretty clear on his face to be shaping up as "concern".

His mouth turned into a frown, and he looked him over. ]

Well, I had a lunch date cancel on me.

[ And no, it wasn't with Shepard. ] I swung by to check up on you, see how you're doing.

Aw, geez.

[He'd completely forgotten. At the very least, he's quick to look repentant, dragging one hand through his hair (which is likely a very bad decision, considering what his job is and where his hands have been), as he grimaces up at Kaidan.]

I'm really sorry, Kaidan, I totally forgot. My break's already half over, though, so... rain check? I can buy lunch next week.

Your boss back there said you're done for the day.

[ He jabbed a thumb behind him, indicating his boss when he'd came in. ]

Come on, Jaime, what's up?

[ He moved closer, and sat on an even smaller surface, which looked appropriately dwarfed to his bulk. ]

I don't think I've ever seen you forget lunch. What's got you so occupied?

What, really?

[That's not a nice thought, or at least not entirely. When he's busy thinking about other things, he likes being at work. It keeps both his hands and his mind busy, and he enjoys the puzzle of diagnosing all the problems in a vehicle, likes being up to his elbows in machinery as he makes the repairs. It's detail-oriented, finicky work, and just the thing for someone who doesn't want to think about much else.

But it looks like he's out of luck there, too... which means he's got no choice but to answer Kaidan's question. It's not like it's a secret, or anything. It's just not something he cares to talk about, because it's nothing he actually has a solution for; it's aimless, baseless sadness, sadness he can't funnel anywhere but a determination to make the most of the time he's got. He shoves his hands in his pockets, looking down at Kaidan for a change.]

Ken's been ported out, [he says bluntly, voice level. It's a little painful to say it out loud, but it does nothing to change the reality of it.] That, um... that always distracts me, I guess.

[ From where he was, on the smaller box, Kaidan's knees were hitched up enough to be level with his chest, and he let his arms rest there, idle, although looking up at Jaime felt weird -- he was so used to looking down at him -- but now, he thought it probably helped. At least it made him feel less like an older brother for once, but maybe a friend.

The chuff of air he released was tired. He'd seen it, after all, friends leaving and there was nothing left behind. Or going back to places that probably weren't as good as they would have liked. Some of the worlds people came from were...

He shook his head. ]

I'd say so. That's...hard to deal with, isn't it? Making friends that might leave suddenly? I mean -- people like me? We're used to it, and we can take comfort in the fact that they have a life to go back to. It's a hell of a lot better than getting KIA.

[Jaime lets out a snort of laughter, though it's not exactly what he'd call happy.]

Better ported out than dead, is that what you're saying?

[It's little comfort. Jaime knows where the people he's grown close to get ported out to, and they're not happy places. He remembers how Armin had rejoiced in living here in Heropa, how he used to rave about all of the knowledge and comforts, about food and books and music, about how he said that he had to go back to fighting those awful creatures, but that he didn't want to. Not yet. He remembers Killua confiding in him that something awful happens back home, and that if he could, he'd want him and Gon to live here forever, free of the family hellbent on chasing him down, forcing him to kill again.

And Ken... Ken's going back to Minato dying. When Jaime asked the kid for a reason to keep on living, he mentioned Minato, again, and again, and again, mentioned how he doesn't know what comes after, how it's too painful to think of a future. Sure, maybe that's better than being dead, but the problem is, Jaime doesn't even know for how much longer Ken manages to live, to truly live. And even if Ken was going back to unfettered happiness, Jaime can admit to selfishness; he wants Ken back here, with him, in what he's grown to call home. He doesn't want him gone. He doesn't want anyone he loves here gone, and it only so happens that a big part of that is because somehow, everyone seems to be going home to something worse.]

Well, they're not dead most of the time, [he says out loud instead, shrugging a little.] But we all know what we've got here is temporary, yeah? There's nobody who's been here for as long as us that haven't had people port out on them.

Yeah.

[ He shook his head, then. They'd all lost people, hadn't they? EDI, Freddie, others, either through being ported out, or in Freddie's case, murdered -- and it still stung. He was used to losing people, seeing a life snuffed out was the sort of thing that one couldn't just ignore. It was something that happened. A harsh reality of service. Something that was going to happen no matter what they did, and as a soldier? He had to accept it. Reality. After all, if he got caught up too much in the fact that they were dead, then he couldn't go on with the mission, right? Honor sacrifice through service? ]

I guess... I don't know, it's a different kind of closure? I guess that's the best way to put it.

When someone's dead, you know they're... they're not coming back. [ A pause. ] Shepard's not included in that statement, by the way. [ He couldn't believe that he had to say that sometimes. ]

Anyway, I guess...I don't know. I think...I think it's a different kind of closure. When someone gets ported out, you don't know if they're going to come back, or not? And if they do, are they going to be the same person? Will they forget you, or remember you? In just a year, I've seen some names come up again and again, but then when they come up, they're totally different?

I guess... it's a weird kind of loss. Because they might leave and then... and then you have to meet them all over again, and sometimes it's...painful? Different?

Sometimes I think about if someone like Freddie came back, and I...don't know if I'd want them to, they'd have the baggage from last time, but none of the...context. I guess.

I mean, I know...why it's... I know why you'd think about it.

[Jaime jams his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunching up. Kaidan's here because he's worried, and because he thinks that Jaime needs someone to talk to, he's sure of it. Kaidan's a good man, probably better than anyone actually deserves, but that doesn't mean he's saying the right thing now. In all honesty, Jaime's been trying not to think about it, not to think about a Ken coming back who doesn't know him, a Ken who's still got those shadows in his eyes and vengeance on the brain, a Ken who has to make that slow, painstaking journey back to something resembling halfway okay. He doesn't want to think about a Ken who would look at him like a stranger.

Hearing Kaidan just outright say all the fears that must haunt every person who lives here isn't comforting.]

Everyone here thinks about it, Kaidan, [Jaime says, a little cautiously, not quite looking Kaidan in the eye.] We all know that anyone can be ported out at any time, and that... that's just how it is, for now. Best we can do is make it easier on anyone who comes back without knowing all these people who know them. It just sucks once people are where you can't reach them, is all.

[ Kaidan wasn't actually prone to saying the right thing. He knew it, too. At least he didn't trudge ahead -- he could at least read people enough to understand when what he said didn't quite make the point he intended. Kaidan had that problem, after all, of speaking what he was thinking before he recognized that he probably shouldn't have said what he was thinking, but he always did have that problem.

He winced, and shrunk slightly, the look on his face saying very clearly that he was sorry, and that he should have probably stopped to think about what he was saying. That wasn't what Jaime needed right now, was it? ]

Sorry, uh --

That was probably... Sorry. [ Now he just felt like an ass. ]

You're right, I mean. Do you -- maybe we should... do you want to get lunch, maybe do something else?

It's fine. Everyone's thinking it. There's just not much point in thinking about something that might never happen, y'know? He might still come back and remember. They all might.

[And, by now, 'all' is a pretty broad category, for both him and Kaidan. Jaime's lucky; none of his friends were actually murdered. Well, not that he knows of. He's gotten a good deal more suspicious about port-outs now that he knows that Gogo's lack of response wasn't from something mundane, but because she had actually been kidnapped.

But he'd checked for Ken, all over the place. If he hasn't just been ported out, then he's somewhere Jaime can't sense. He rubs at the back of his neck/]

Um... I still wanna take a rain check on lunch, if that's okay with you. I don't think I'm gonna be great company.

Okay, I just --

[ He shook his head, and shifted on the seat, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose, like he was trying to fight off a headache that had started to press onto his temples, before he shook his head, and nodded. ]

It's no problem. Just... let me know, okay? I don't mind rescheduling.

[ Honestly, he didn't think he was much better company, but... ]

For what it's worth, I'm... I'm sorry. I know that's not much, but... [ He shook his head. ]

It's okay! Seriously. This one is nobody's fault, not even the government's; it's just that nobody knows how it works, so no one can fix it, either.

[People are working on it, but it's a slow process. How do you make a Porter? And more importantly, how do you make one that can connect to what must be thousands of dimensions? There are people from all over here, but there must be so, so many more. It's not only impossible to build, but it seems impossible to control too.

Jaime's always been about talking about problems to other people, but more and more, the problems he can think of are ones that have no present solution. Jaime's always been the sort who wants to take direct action about whatever it is that's bugging him, but as that's become further and further out of his reach... well, what's the point in talking about it, really? It's not about the way he feels about it, and it's not about doing something to change it. It's a discussion with no end, and one with no answer.]

All we gotta do is deal with it.

[It's not quite saying that they have to keep a stiff upper lip, but after that first shock of someone leaving and in the wake of the hole they leave behind, there's not much to do besides keep on trucking -- and to keep whatever memories you have of them.]

Yeah, that's... all we can do, right?

[ He shook his head, his smile half-weak like he was trying to figure out how to say the right thing. ]

I don't know who has it worse. The people who lose this, or those of us who are left behind.

[ Sometimes, they came back, and they remembered everything, but then again, the people left behind still had that trauma -- if it could be called that. The memory of hurt still left and the one that lingered. Each time, they saw more and more of it, and had anyone ever shut off completely? Had anyone ever sat back and said that they had too much? ]

You'll get through it, I know you will. It just... it's awful that we have to go through this experience.

There's never been any question of getting through it, [Jaime says, smile a little rueful.] But... seriously, are you kidding me with that stuff about who has it worse? I think we have it better, every time.

[He's spoken to people who say that what they find here in this place isn't worth it, who say that the friendships that they've made here result in nothing after having spent too much time suffering loss after loss. Jaime may have lost plenty of people by now, but he's determined never to reach that point, even if he's here for years and years. Even if he never meets some of these people again in his life, his life is better - if not somewhat more painful - for having met them. He'd bet money on it.]

I mean... it sucks. It sucks a lot, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather remember than anything else. I'm just happy I got to meet all -- you know. All the people who aren't here anymore.

Yeah, me too. Even if they're gone, we keep a piece of them alive, right?

Alive here, I mean. I'm sure most of them go back and live perfectly normal lives, and everything's fine.

[ Oh, who was he kidding? From what he'd seen, nobody really went off and faded back into obscurity. They were all from places and lives that had something happening, right? He honestly doubted that anyone would go back home and have a normal, run of the mill life. It just didn't happen. Not here. ]

But I...I think you're right? We're pretty lucky, all things considered. We get to meat so many people, do so many things. we're fortunate, showing up here. Even if sometimes I wish I could go home just to...finish things.

[Jaime stiffens, just a little. It's not as if he'd want Kaidan to not be able to finish what he's started - especially since that's what he wants - but saying it out loud like that feels like it's just going to jinx things. Maybe it would be better for Kaidan to go home, even if he's facing down a battle that seems unwinnable, but Jaime doesn't want him to leave. Jaime wouldn't want him to leave even if he was going home to happiness; selfishly, he wants Kaidan to stay right here with him, up until they can figure out the Porter for good.

Maybe that's not the way he should feel, but it's the way things are. He doesn't really want any of his friends to leave.]

Yeah... I mean, I get it. Of course you'd want to see things through. But you're going back to something as normal as pretty much everyone else here.

[He looks down at his feet again, a little intently.]

I guess most of us want to go home eventually.

[But if he had the choice? If he could go back home right this second, see his parents again, give his sister a big hug, and run off to find Brenda and Paco, would he? It feels like a betrayal thinking that way, but he wouldn't. He knows he wouldn't. There's too much to finish here.]

Yeah, I guess? I don't know, I've just --

[ He laced his fingers together, and leaned against the wall. Back here, it reeked of smoke, but he'd been in seedier places before. Cigarettes weren't any worse than Red Sand, or any of the other things that he'd had to deal with in the Marines. And that was it, wasn't it? He just didn't know how to handle this normal, normal world, as backwater as Earth was, it was better in his future than before, like now.

And as much as he hated galactic politics? He missed the damn stars. Of flying out and doing, of doing all those big things he'd dreamed about after coming home from Jump Zero, the things that made him feel alive, and worthwhile, and less like a killer, and more someone who was fighting for what they believed in. Being a biotic had never been easy, but in the Alliance he felt more welcomed than anywhere else he'd been. Still the Other, but one that was respected, and admired, and the Alliance was slowly changing minds, bit by bit. Not everyone thought he was all that different.

And then he came here, where he was an Import, a fancy way of boxing up what he'd been before, and he didn't know how to start from square one. Better people than he had done what they needed to get biotics out from under the "killing machine" label, back when he'd been a teenager. But now he felt like he had to hold a place in that conversation, and he didn't know how to, other than to serve.

But home? He had a problem too, and it was bigger than just who people thought he was.

But in the same vein... ]

I don't hate it here? But when you have the end of the galaxy as you know it hanging over your head... it makes you want to get it over with. I don't know what will happen, nobody has -- and that makes it...worse?

If there was a damn sign, I'd be okay, you know?

[This is just making it worse, Jaime realizes. He feels his stomach churning as they talk about it, as he sees Kaidan leaning against the wall as if getting ready for one of their regular talks, like everything's normal, like the boy that Jaime considers family didn't just get ported out, like they're not discussing someone like Kaidan being ported out too. He has no idea what to call Kaidan, but losing him wouldn't be just like losing friends like Kay.

He still avoids looking Kaidan in the eye, just breathes out low and slow, as if that could ease the tension in his chest. It doesn't. This is the wrong time for this, and the wrong place, but Jaime feels like he can't say as much. It would be horribly selfish to tell Kaidan how much he'd prefer that everyone stay, at least until they could say goodbye instead of just leaving gaping holes in everyone's lives.]

Of course I get it, [he says, though his voice is tight, unwavering.] You need to see things through. Most people here have something they need to see through. And, most of the time, those things are about as great as what you're going back to.

[But they go back anyway. For duty. It's a trait he admires in others, but sometimes, it's a trait he loathes too.]

Yeah, but that's...

[ Not comforting, yeah.

Jaime isn't looking at him, and that's probably a sign that Kaidan's blundering more than helping. He knows he isn't helping, he can tell by the despondent look on Jaime's face, and the way he wouldn't meet his eyes, it was obvious. He very nearly even uttered a soft sorry, but he didn't, and instead shook his head, looking up at the sky. ]

Your friend's been here for a while, right? I notice...

It seems like if you make it past the first few months, chances are higher that he'll show back up again soon, you know?

I know it's not much, but... I've seen a lot of people leave and just come back like nothing happened. [ He shook his head. ] It's not much, but it's something to hope for, I guess.

[The smile Jaime offers Kaidan is thin, humourless, because this is about more than just Ken, even if he's the person at the front of his mind. Perhaps he wouldn't be saying this if he could look into the future to see that Kaidan too will lose someone important, but he's not thinking that far ahead. Sure, he knows factually the Kaidan is statistically likely to lose someone along the way, but it's not something he's actively thinking about now.]

It's what I usually tell people whenever this happens, [he admits.] And looking at the stats, they're all there, but it's no guarantee. I've known lots of people who've left after this long. And... well, they haven't come back either. I'm not saying I've lost hope or anything, but after enough of them go, it's stupid to just hope they'll come back for more than a month.

Yeah. You want to...be real about it.

[ He could get it. All the reassuring things they said, it was a line now. They all knew it, and they all knew it was true. They knew it wasn't going to be anything more than just words to make them reassured that they could come back, but the look on Kaidan's face said it all, mouth turned down, eyebrows knitted. He respected the hell out of Jaime for being honest enough with himself to admit that it was only a statistic. ]

There's nothing that can be said, is there? To make it better, I mean.

Not really.

[It's not a very productive thing to say to someone who is presumably trying to be comforting, but the thing is, Kaidan's kind of failing at providing any semblance of solace in the face of loss, and Jaime's not sure if anyone really could. There's a reason why he tends to keep to himself when it comes to this sort of thing. He talks about talking about your problems, sure, but sometimes that's just not as effective as it should be.

He huffs a sigh, just a little one.] It is what it is. Right now, we can't change it. You ever talk to anyone here who's been here for years? About what losing people all the time does?

A little, but not really. I haven't... met too many people who've been here for a long time.

[ But he'd heard about them, and he could imagine what it did to someone. He curled his arms around his knees, and his shoulders lifted, in a semi-aborted shrug while he contemplated the best way to say it. ]

I can't imagine it gets easier, but maybe we would learn to handle it better, after a while.

[Jaime shakes his head. It's not true. He's starting to realize that it's not true firsthand, because now that he's lost many, he's not sure how to handle it any better. It's less that they learn how to deal with it, and more that they're forced to figure out how to shoulder it as the weight grows instead of shrinking.

He doesn't voice that, though; it's far easier to lean on the examples of outsiders, of strangers that Kaidan doesn't know and probably won't ever get the opportunity to know. Ruka seems a little reclusive, after all.]

I'm not so sure about that. I have talked to someone like that, and she just... gave up. Said that the people she knew didn't matter 'cause she'll never see them again, and that anyone else she meets will just wind up disappearing anyway.

[It's clear from his tone that he doesn't agree. He just said that he didn't agree. But at the same time, he can understand why someone would want to give up after just one pain too many.]

I don't think she's right. But I don't think that people are supposed to live like this either.

Geeze...

[ He breathed it out, like a swear, and it practically was. He shook his head, his frown more pained than anything else, and he looked at Jaime with a wince on his face. He'd heard that before, and he opened his mouth, before he closed it again, and then opened it, blowing out, before he leaned back. ]

Some people do that, with loss.

I've seen soldiers do it. They stop caring about anyone, and just work "for the job". They don't care about anyone or anything, because they always blamed themselves when someone fell on the field.

Some people just... they care a lot. More than they should, and then they get burned. [ A pause. ] Some people get like that, but... maybe they're the experts. Who is it?

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