maskormenacelogs | OCTOBER CATCH-ALL

I don't think I can say.

[Would Ruka care? Probably not. She's been pretty abrasive on the network, so maybe it's no surprise that she thinks that way, but he wants to preserve her privacy as much as possible. Jaime doesn't say much more for a moment, letting the analogy settle on his shoulders. They're not soldiers here, and they don't lose people falling in battle.

Jaime thinks that, in a way, that would be easier than losing people to the unknowable expanse of space and time, but he knows that's an awful way of looking at things. More than that, though, it's wrong. He thinks back to what Traci told him, how once he started losing people, he started going a little funny.

He hopes that's not already happening. Jaime drags a crate over with his foot and sits down on it lightly, knees pressed close together.]

Apparently I have some of that headed my way too, [he says, though he doesn't say it with much feeling, like it's just a statement of fact.] So what side are you on? How do you deal with it?

Some are harder than others.

[ He admitted, and looked up at the sky, like it had an easy way to answer it. There had been some deaths that were inevitable. Some that were regrettable, and some...

Well, maybe he shouldn't count Shepard. ]

Some...you try to honor their loss in some way. Keeping on with the mission, or... doing something they told you they wanted to do. It's...nice to make sure something still happens, despite their loss? [ His grimace tightened. ]

Some are...harder than others. Sometimes all you can do is mourn.

Which people just disappearing makes difficult, [Jaime concludes, shoulders sinking a little as he rests his chin on the heel of his hand. They're really stuck in a knotty mess here, stuck between wondering if they should mourn or have hope. He remembers thinking, way back when, that being here was sort of a way of making things even with his family, stranding him from them for as long as they had lost him. Now that a year's passed, he's given up on the idea, but he can't help the irrational feeling that all this is just some weird sort of karma.

It's something he's not uncomfortable voicing, but he is uncomfortable swinging the conversation around right back to himself and his own thoughts and feelings when Kaidan's talking about something that's obviously so deeply personal to him, so deeply personal to anyone who's had to mourn time and time again.]

I'm sorry you've had to go through all that in the first place, though.

Hey, it's not like I didn't know the score going into it.

[ His laugh was a touch weary, but he knew what he'd signed up for. ] I signed up because I wanted to serve, but I knew going in that I wasn't going to go without losing anyone. My dad was in the military too, before he retired.

[ Retired to have Kaidan, actually. And retired to being an orchard farmer, of all things. He knew it was a big change, but he couldn't help but be a bit envious of that life. He didn't think he was ever going to get that, especially with the Spectre position he'd found now. ]

I feel worse for us here. I mean, some of us...we didn't ask for that kind of loss. It's harder to accept. The people who showed up here didn't ask for it either, but...

Now we all have to live with it.

Nobody asks for it. For some people, it just happens, whether they're expecting it or not.

[Kaidan's mentioned that his dad was in the military before, but it only hammers in how similar he and Kaidan are. He could have wound up a lot like Kaidan, if he were born in the same circumstances, but that's not exactly a bad thing. They've just been instilled with the same ideals, is all, and hey, maybe that has a lot to do with the way they were raised.

Eventually Jaime shrugs and says what's lingered in his mind for some time now.] I mean... my parents hadda go through that. Wait for someone without getting any closure on what actually happened, I mean. It's like this place is one big way of showing me the other side of things.

Yeah, it's... I think...

[ He sighed, and looked up at the sky, looping his fingers behind his head while he thought about what to say. Thankfully, he knew he could, with Jaime. He didn't have to feel rushed, or like the silence was a bad thing. Jaime was as careful and as thoughtful as Kaidan was, and it was nice, slowing down with his words, and his thoughts. To really deliberate over it. ]

I think this place is pretty good at that. Showing you something you never thought you'd see otherwise?

It's like... life gets turned a little funny, gives us different perspectives.

[For a moment, all Jaime can do is nod along. He's not egotistical enough to think that everyone's comings and goings have anything to do with him, but it does feel earned, in a way, that he should learn what his family had to learn, that he has to get a taste of the independence and loneliness so many of his friends have felt, when he's never felt anything of the sort before.

Maybe it will help the people here grow in the long run, but losing people like this is nothing short of cruelty, though that too feels somewhat earned. He never thought about the situation long enough to say goodbye, and now...

He shakes it off.]

So what's your new perspective, then?

That... maybe we need to take things for what they are. Like...gifts? For getting to know the people we have, and to learn from them.

[ He shook his head. It sound canned, even to him. Cheesy, but he didn't know how to explain it otherwise. He scrunched his face up. ]

Or rather...

I guess... it makes me see things from a non-military perspective. I've been doing things so long in the military that I sometimes forget how...the other side works. It's...different.

[That's sort of what Jaime suspected. Being in the military for as long as Kaidan has changes you, for better or for worse, and this has been an awful long time to be what is essentially an enforced civilian. The lack of structure in his life must be so strange, he thinks.]

Different, but not in a good way?

[The pause before he said different certainly makes Jaime wonder.]

I don't know if I'd say it's not in a good way.

[ It was complicated, and Kaidan knew it. He knew that answered a whole load of nothing, but he still wasn't sure how to describe it, and it showed on his face. ]

I always figured that I'd eventually settle down, but...

As nice as it is, I'm not sure if I'm suited to live like this forever. Could you imagine me running my parent's orchard? I'd probably be bored.

I think when it comes to normal things like that, it's less about what you're doing, and more about who you're doing it with. Some people go out and find jobs 'cause it's their calling or whatever, but it can just be a living too, you know.

[He's biased, of course. Jaime lives in that comfortable pocket of society in which people don't have quite enough money to send their kids to college to pursue their passion for playing the viola, but finding a good, steady job with a good paycheck? That's a feasible dream.

Of course plenty of people head off to the military too, like Kaidan did, like his father did, but it's not the only option available to them.]

But I guess that'd depend on Shephard, huh?

[ He snorted. ]

Could you imagine Shepard trying to help out?

[ The grin on his face said clearly that he thought the idea was hilarious -- and it was, to him. Shepard was... well, seeing him try to live a normal life here was pretty bad, but thinking about him trying to do it elsewhere too? That was also relatively funny, if just because he was so enormous a figure back home.

And also the idea of him trying to drive a ratty old truck the way he did -- and toppling it over was pretty funny. ]

I think we'd cause too much trouble together to be allowed anywhere.

Maybe.

[Normally, Jaime would be grinning along with Kaidan, but he's still a little too quiet, too withdrawn for that. All this talk about who you'd want to do even the boring things with just loops him back around to the problem at hand, the knotty fact that even if you knew exactly who you'd want to just sit around and do a whole lot of nothing with, nothing is permanent.

Luckily for Kaidan, Shepard's still around for him to be able to joke about.

Still, he doesn't look entirely humourless; he's nodding, acknowledging the humour of the idea, even if he's not comfortable laughing along.]

I dunno. I don't think you guys would be so bad at it, if that's what you decided you wanted to do. He's settled in okay here.

[He has a dog, an apartment, a boyfriend, a job... that's normalcy if Jaime's ever heard it.]

Surprisingly.

[ He had to admit, he had his doubts about Shepard simply existing like a normal person. It isn't what he pictured the Commander doing, but maybe Jaime had a point.

Then again, they had set the apartment on fire. ]

We did set the apartment on fire though, but, maybe you're right. Maybe it's a matter of mindset, what do you think? Just saying you can do it, and maybe we can?

More or less, yeah. It helps if you actually want it.

[And maybe they will, after this last huzzah. Jaime may not be able to think about giving up his job, but Kaidan and Shepard have been put through the wringer. At one point do you look back at your life and decide that you're tired, that you're ready to settle down and see what it is you've been fighting for all this time? They've saved the world enough times, by the sounds of it.]

How'd you set your apartment on fire?

Uh, Shepard did it, actually.

[ Suddenly, Kaidan's feet were a lot more interesting than the sky. He certainly didn't look away from his toes. ]

It was during a date? I think? Anyway, he...kind of tried to set up Christmas lights and they... lit on fire. And then set the rest of the apartment on fire.

[Jaime snorts.]

Still sounds like it went a little better than most of my dates.

[It's nothing wrong with Traci. Traci's wonderful. And it's nothing wrong with him either, it's just... most of their dates seem to end with them running out of wherever they are to attend to an attack, or a bombing, or whatever. It sucks.]

At least it makes for a good story. You guys put it out okay, right?

We're still living there, so...

[ He paused, even so, and he turned his head toward Jaime, once he could not talk about his relationship. It wasn't that he was embarrassed -- definitely not of Shepard -- he just didn't know what to say most of the time. ]

Come on, though, how can your dates be worse? Now you have to share.

It's not that interesting. It's just that work always seems to mess things up when I wanna take her out somewhere nice. Like, she'll have been coming over to meet my family, and then aliens attacked. Or I'd make reservations for Valentine's Day, and then the restaurant explodes. Or right when we try and even just go for a walk, someone's getting mugged a block away.

[He wrinkles his nose. The solution to a few of the less major problems is clearly to mind his own business for a change, but he's a chronic do-gooder. It's not going to happen anytime soon.]

We just seem to attract all the weird.

All the weird, huh?

[ Although, it sure as heck sounded like they did. Not that Kaidan couldn't say that his relationship was without the weird, considering the way he and Shepard always seemed to find trouble, but...

They'd had at least a few quiet dinners here. ]

That going on here too? No quiet nights? Might want to start staying in. [ He said, but it was, as always, leer free. ]

Mm, we do, and that usually ends up okay.

[It's how they spend most of their time, honestly. They don't exactly have the biggest disposable income in the world, and it's a lot easier for her to teleport to his house, or for him to walk over to hers so they can spend some quality time together.]

But that's kind of boring, right? I like to try taking her out sometimes. One of these days, it's gonna wind up okay, even if we gotta get outta the country to do it.

[...and, as perfectly fitted as they are, the opportunity for leering completely flies over Jaime's head. Staying in is just what he and most of his friends do. Who's got the cash for anything else?]

Well, I guess you could do that. It's a big investment though, going out of the country. Isn't it?

[ Well, maybe not? Wasn't his girlfriend magic? How did that even work? ]

Or I guess it might not be, if you work things out right. Still! That's a lot of effort to go through for just a night out. It's that bad?

[ He honestly can't believe it could be that bad, to need to leave the country to get out. ]

It was worse at home. We were long-distance, so... every time she was over, I'd want to actually spend time with here, y'know? But even when I was introducing her to everyone at my family reunion, Parasite crashed El Paso, so I had to leave her with all of my relatives while I took care of it. [He gives Kaidan a rather tragic look.]

All of my Spanish-speaking relatives.

[ A half laugh. ]

You need what we have! Implants for translation, it makes those moments a lot less...awkward --

[ No really, poor Traci. Being left all alone. ]

I'm sure they liked her anyway, knowing your family.

You don't know that much about this side. There's gotta be, like, fifty of them... or something.

[He fails to keep track of what cousins come and which ones stay, which ones have just been born and which ones have gone off to make their own families and bring more bodies to the family reunion.

That said, they'd liked Traci just fine. He just heard a lot of, oh, you're getting so big! You have a girlfriend already!, and ahh, what a pretty girl, Jaime! and no wonder you have a girlfriend already! You look so handsome now, like your father!

They're sweet, but it's a little much.]

They did like her, though. Once my grandma approves, that's the law. Besides, I don't think anyone doesn't like Traci.

[He may be a little biased.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject