maskormenacelogs | CLOSED // and i pull out my tongue

Entry tags:

CLOSED // and i pull out my tongue

WHO: Ellie and Joel
WHERE: Post-Dated to 8/13
WHEN: Late evening
WHAT: Enough is enough. Time to address the elephant in the room.
WARNINGS: Trigger warnings for the following: death, gore, violence, murder, foul language, and possible mentions of assault.

[ It's too much... ]

[ It's all been too fucking much. Too goddamn much. The whiplash of going home, of facing a different Joel and a different world that had made this Joel's old personality thrive. They had gotten closer, sure, but it's just so much different here. Embrace after embrace, prepared dinners, bandages, embrace, a paternal kiss, an embrace. All Ellie sees and hears nothing but disaster now. She doesn't feel the warmth she used to feel before she'd left, and it's because of a biting and festering thought. ]

[ The Fireflies. St. Mary's Hospital in Utah. She remembers nothing because she'd damn-near drowned in a freeway tunnel rapid after being struck by a loose pipe. Everything was black until she had woken up in the back seat of an SUV driven by Joel, adorned in a hospital gown and still woozy from 'the drugs' as he had put it. Anesthetics, she assumes. But for what? Did they find what they wanted? Did the Fireflies succeed? Why the fuck would she still be in a hospital gown then? Why in the back seat of a car instead of a hospital bed recovering? Even with Joel's telling of how the Fireflies had given up, how Ellie wasn't the only one immune, there are still holes in it. Still a dark corner. ]

[ She knows that Joel can see it, that he either knows that she knows he's lying or that he's just flat out concerned that something is on her mind. She can't tell with him. She feels like the thought has made her mind rot so badly that she barely knows Joel anymore. ]

[ And it's over a quiet dinner in their apartment that it starts to really tear into her. Ellie can feel her blood boiling and her skin becoming frozen. Her heart sinks when her mind tells her that she's had enough. Every time she looks at that gift Joel and Jesse had so thoughtfully put together for her, every time she thinks of the birthday party they'd thrown her two days ago... It's at the point that it hurts. And she's lost count how many times she's nearly puked from the anxiety. Ellie realizes in this thought that she hasn't touched her dinner, that Joel has looked her way at least three or four times with a expression of concern. It's killing her. It's literally killing her. ]

[ She keeps her gaze on her plate, scared of what's to come. But it has to. One way or another. ]

Hey, Joel.

Can I ask you something?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ The silence still seems to speak louder than words. Joel's immediate dismissal cuts like a knife. Ellie's heart suddenly falls with the rest of her insides. The lump in her throat gets thicker, harder, and it hurts to swallow. Ellie's next words are spoken nervously and shaken. ]

... And Marlene?

[ She said she would catch up... She had to have been there. ]

[ Still staring at her like a deer caught in the headlights. Still guiltily silent. Slowly, he sets his plate down on the table with a fumble, his hand slightly shaky. And then he finally speaks. ]

Ellie, [ his voice is quiet, tight ] it ain't what you think--

Answer the fucking question!

[ Ellie is abrupt, stern in interjecting. Joel lost his opportunity to skip over questions and deny. He's not allowed to do that anymore. Not now. ]

[ Joel's mouth snaps shut. He swallows. He's standing on one side of the table and Ellie on the other and it feels like she's a million fucking miles away. He wishes she'd stop looking at him like that. Like she hates him. ]

Ellie, please...

[ The more he dances around the question, the more frustrated she gets. But it's obvious what that answer will be. There's no way the Fireflies would have let the cure for fucking mankind get away like that. And there's no way Joel would have made it out alive if he hadn't... ]

You killed her, didn't you? You killed all of them.

[ There's a choked sob between her words, but no tears. In fact, her eyes are dry. The shock has been enough to stop that from happening. ]

[ Something in his chest twists sharp and painful at her words, at the sob in her voice. An expression of panicked despair is starting to form on his face. ]

Ellie, please. Please don't do this--

Don't do what?!

Don't get angry because you lied to me? Because you completely disregarded everything I fucking said to you before we got there?

[ All of her words are broken, choppy from the sobs that threaten to come out after every single one of them. There's shame there, anger, disappointment... Fear. And it's all feelings that she'd buried deep in her chest and tried to pretend weren't there but they just wouldn't go away. ]

Why?

[ Louder. ]

Why?

Sweetheart, please--

[ His pleas go unheard, drowned out by Ellie's despairing, angry words. And when she demands to know why, and loudly demands to know why again, almost shouting at him, he flinches. ]

Stop this. [ It comes out loud, his own voice hitching like it's threatening to break. ] Just-- stop. You have no [ voice wavering and almost breaking again ] damn idea what you're talkin' about!

I have--

[ Ellie's scoff couldn't be any rougher. She takes a harsh step back, accidentally knocking over her chair on the way. It slams on the floor with a loud bang, and Ellie doesn't even notice. Her full attention is locked on Joel, her heart beating a mile a minute. ]

After everything we've been through, after everything I've done-- We've done-- That's all you have to say to me?!

Marlene was the last connection I had to my mother, the one who kept me from being thrown out on the goddamn streets!

I was the world's last fucking hope! Do you have any idea what kind of weight that is?!

[ The crash of the chair landing on the floor makes Joel flinch again. And Ellie shouting at him like that, looking at him like that - the words come out of his mouth in a broken shout before he even has a chance to think them over: ]

They were gonna kill you, Ellie!

[ Ellie is only silent for a brief moment, suddenly out of breath and sweating from the combination of anger and shock. That realization doesn't shock her or scare her, because it had been a possibility even before she'd discovered she was immune. ]

Before someone else did?

Before my fucking turn came up? What difference would it have made, Joel? At least if I'd died, it would have been for something!

It would've made a difference to me! [ Stabbing his finger angrily at his chest and, oh hell, his eyes are starting to burn with a prickling threat of tears. His throat feels like it's going to close up; an ugly, painful lump is forming in the back of his throat and his voice comes out rough and hitched. ]

Oh like how?!

[ At this point, Ellie is just angry. She's angry and disappointed. Scared and upset and just... She hasn't felt this goddamn alone in so long. She thought better of Joel, hoped for better from Joel. The thought of losing Marlene had made her sick, and to know that this had been a fear that was realized? ]

[ Before Joel, before all of this... Marlene was Ellie's lifeline. The last person to give a shit about her. While her views of her might be misguided and wrong, it's all she knows at this point. Facing Joel after all this is hard to handle, and her words are harsh almost without the intention of being so. It's so easy to revert back to thinking she isn't good enough for anyone now. ]

You are all I have! Think I was just gonna [ an arm flinging out in a wild gesture like he's motioning to Marlene and to the Fireflies ] let them take you away from me? After everything we've been through? Think I could bear the thought of losin' you?!

[ Ellie freezes at that, everything shutting down and leaving her nothing but a heavily breathing mess. Her hair has gone awry, pieces of her bangs clinging to her face while her ponytail has gone loose in her rampage. Suddenly, she can hear Jesse's voice echoing in the back of her head. "He loves you, you know."... ]

[ "The only reason I can think of is the whole world wasn't worth losing you." ]

[ Suddenly, all Ellie can think about is everything they had been through. She wants to call him selfish, disgusting, a fucker because he really is all of those things. But all the same... ]

[ Ellie falls silent again, only left to breathe as she takes another step back, her gaze falling away from Joel to stare at her feet. Again, she's speechless. Torn. The world was relying on her. This wasn't for her. It was for everyone else. For Marlene... For Riley and her Mom... ]

Edited 2015-08-17 04:45 (UTC)

And Marlene, she--

[ Joel cuts off, looks away. He sets his jaw tightly, swallowing hard and trying to force himself back under control. He manages, but only just. Manages to compress it all into a tight, ugly ball in his chest and turns a strained, pale look back on Ellie. ]

I wasn't gonna lose you to some possible cure the Fireflies didn't even know was gonna work. Think the world back home is worth saving? Think that's a world worth dyin' for? You dying for Marlene's crusade - that wouldn't've fixed nothin'. You matter to me more than any of that.

[ Oh god, how the fuck does this seemingly hurt more than discovering that he'd lied? That he'd killed everyone there? Is it because these are things she'd been wanting to hear from Joel for so fucking long? Is it because she doesn't want to believe him? That she wants to think that they would have found a cure and this all would have been worth it? ]

[ Ellie still remains silent, exhaling sharply as she puts her face in her hands. ]

[ Joel watches Ellie bury her face in her hands and all the fight goes out of him. He stares at her with sad eyes, then slowly, uncertainly begins to make his way around the table towards her. ]

Ellie... sweetheart... [ Said quietly, almost gently, a hand beginning to reach for her. ]

[ Goddammit that fucking name he calls her. It hasn't helped at all that she's started looking at Joel as a father figure, as family. She almost feels like being angry, blaming him and just thinking of him as a selfish fuck was easier. But it gets harder and harder as the seconds pass. She remembers Jesse's point, that Joel cares more about her than the rest of the fucking world and that's all she'd ever wanted. And now that Joel is admitting to it? ]

[ No. No she can't do this. She can't fucking do this. ]

Stop.

[ She smacks away Joel's hand and takes a further step back. When her gaze shifts back up to him, it hurts even more to look. Ellie's eyes are burning, glassy with tears that still refuse to come out. ]

I can't--

I have to go. I have to leave.

[ Joel shrinks back at Ellie smacking his hand, a stung and crestfallen look on his face. The way she steps back from him like that stings even more. It's like she can't bear to be near him.

Joel wants to lunge at her, grab her, pull her to him in a tight hug, wants to plead with her not to go. He just stands there instead, his shoulders sagging while he stares at her. She feels like she's more than a million miles away from him now even while she's right within arm's reach.

What had Jesse told him before? To give her space? Let her figure things out in her own time? But that terrifies him. And yet... what else can he do?

And so he just stares at her in quiet despair. ]

[ Space... Space, yes. That's exactly what she needs. With the insane torrent of conflicting feelings and thoughts that seem to be worse than they had been before all of this? Space is a necessity. But Ellie hesitates at first, catching that forlorn and broken expression Joel seems to have glued to his face the instant she pushes him away. The words "I'm sorry" almost come out of her mouth, but she chokes on the words. ]

[ With a sharp breath, she forces herself away. Further away. Ellie walks to the door and takes her backpack that has been lying there. There are clothes in there from the last time she'd stayed at Jesse's and had forgotten to unpack. She can clean them there. She doesn't give a shit. She just takes it and quickly walks out the door, not even paying enough mind to turn back and close it behind her. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

CLOSED // and i pull out my tongue

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject