maskormenacelogs | CLOSED // and i pull out my tongue

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CLOSED // and i pull out my tongue

WHO: Ellie and Joel
WHERE: Post-Dated to 8/13
WHEN: Late evening
WHAT: Enough is enough. Time to address the elephant in the room.
WARNINGS: Trigger warnings for the following: death, gore, violence, murder, foul language, and possible mentions of assault.

[ It's too much... ]

[ It's all been too fucking much. Too goddamn much. The whiplash of going home, of facing a different Joel and a different world that had made this Joel's old personality thrive. They had gotten closer, sure, but it's just so much different here. Embrace after embrace, prepared dinners, bandages, embrace, a paternal kiss, an embrace. All Ellie sees and hears nothing but disaster now. She doesn't feel the warmth she used to feel before she'd left, and it's because of a biting and festering thought. ]

[ The Fireflies. St. Mary's Hospital in Utah. She remembers nothing because she'd damn-near drowned in a freeway tunnel rapid after being struck by a loose pipe. Everything was black until she had woken up in the back seat of an SUV driven by Joel, adorned in a hospital gown and still woozy from 'the drugs' as he had put it. Anesthetics, she assumes. But for what? Did they find what they wanted? Did the Fireflies succeed? Why the fuck would she still be in a hospital gown then? Why in the back seat of a car instead of a hospital bed recovering? Even with Joel's telling of how the Fireflies had given up, how Ellie wasn't the only one immune, there are still holes in it. Still a dark corner. ]

[ She knows that Joel can see it, that he either knows that she knows he's lying or that he's just flat out concerned that something is on her mind. She can't tell with him. She feels like the thought has made her mind rot so badly that she barely knows Joel anymore. ]

[ And it's over a quiet dinner in their apartment that it starts to really tear into her. Ellie can feel her blood boiling and her skin becoming frozen. Her heart sinks when her mind tells her that she's had enough. Every time she looks at that gift Joel and Jesse had so thoughtfully put together for her, every time she thinks of the birthday party they'd thrown her two days ago... It's at the point that it hurts. And she's lost count how many times she's nearly puked from the anxiety. Ellie realizes in this thought that she hasn't touched her dinner, that Joel has looked her way at least three or four times with a expression of concern. It's killing her. It's literally killing her. ]

[ She keeps her gaze on her plate, scared of what's to come. But it has to. One way or another. ]

Hey, Joel.

Can I ask you something?

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[ Another stiflingly silent dinner. Pushing his food around his plate with his fork, Joel sighs quietly while throwing another glance at Ellie with his eyes before dropping his attention back down to his half-eaten meal. His mind keeps racing for things to say, stilted remarks and awkward comments, something to fill up the silence that's eating away more and more between Ellie and himself as the days go by. Since arriving back to Heropa after Ellie's birthday, the silence has seemed even louder than ever. Disappointment doesn't even begin to describe the listless, frantic feeling itching at him that his birthday plans didn't work to bridge that ever widening gap growing between them, too.

He forks up some food into his mouth and chews without really tasting it. Sets his fork down as he swallows, reaches for his beer, takes an equally tasteless sip. His eyes cut across to Ellie in subtle surprise at her sudden question. He can't even begin to work out why but the way she asked him that question - it causes a small nervous knot buried in the pit of his gut to tighten with unease.

He plays it even, though, just sets his beer down and looks back down to his plate while taking his fork up again like everything is fine. ]

Sure, kiddo.

[ Ellie sighs, deciding that cutting to the chase is better at this point. She's rehearsed it in her mind a million times, knowing full well that the only way to make progress is to play his game. Ellie tries to keep a cool head, to appear like everything is in control. When in reality, she's scared to know the truth. ]

I um.

I got here before getting on the highway to St. Mary's... You know, when we set up camp about thirty miles out?

[ A lie. An immediate lie about what she had remembered last. ]

It's just... I know we had to have made it the next morning. We were so close.

[ She looks him in the eye. She'll give him one more chance. ]

Did we make it? To the Fireflies...

What happened?

[ Joel's stomach drops. In all the time he's lived in Heropa, the subject of the Fireflies has never come up. He's known, deep down, that Ellie has been bothered by... this ever since she disappeared back home for those few days, but it still entirely throws Joel off-guard to hear her bring it up now.

He manages, somehow, to keep his expression schooled into something unreadable as he looks back up at her. He stares at her across the table. Something guilty and dirty twists through him, which he does his best to shove aside by attempting to take comfort in knowing she doesn't remember returning to Jackson. His mind scrambles for an answer to give to Ellie at the same time, a lie on the tip of his tongue. ]

We made it.

[ And... shit, that wasn't what he wanted to say. It just came out from how caught off-guard he is. Saying they made it is only going to prompt more questions. Too late now, though.

A hesitating pause follows like he's about to say something more but he looks down to his meal instead. Tries to busy himself with forking up another bit of food. ]

[ Not what she wanted. Not a full answer. Is he trying to avoid it? Does it mean that there may have been a lie there? No... No, please let what he's told her before not be a lie. Ellie starts to look desperate, pain already ebbing in her eyes when she pries. ]

... And?

[ Joel doesn't look up, doesn't want to look up at Ellie, so he doesn't see the way Ellie is looking at him. In his head, he can remember vividly the sick and gnawing terror he'd felt as he'd ran as fast as his tired legs could carry him to the operating theatre that he was going to stumble in on those Firefly doctors pulling Ellie's brain out of her head. That he was going to be too late. The desperate panic that had rushed through him when he'd burst through the door at seeing Ellie unconscious on the operating table. Shooting those doctors dead and gathering Ellie up in his shaky arms and knowing he had to run for their lives. And Marlene...

Things Ellie doesn't need to know, not with how much she fought like hell to get to the Fireflies. She doesn't need to know what happened after, either. No point trying to fumble his way through the clumsy lie that the Fireflies had stopped looking for a cure. A lie that still eats at him, despite how much he doesn't remotely regret what he had to do to save Ellie.

He nudges the piece of food speared onto his fork into the small blob of tomato ketchup on his plate, his stomach knotting up just that bit more at Ellie's prompting question. ]

They were all dead. Been dead a long time. [ Said quietly. Eyes still fixed on his plate. He thinks to add more, to say that the Fireflies had been ripped apart by Clickers or that Hunters had swept the area. Some feasible explanation for why they were all dead. He sighs instead and just adds in a mutter: ] I'm sorry, kiddo.

[ While the response is immediate, it happens all in slow motion. Joel's initial pause feels as though it has taken a half hour for it to come out of his mouth, and even longer after he's delivered his answer. Ellie feels her stomach bottom out, her heart stop, and her entire outer shell go clod and clammy. What she hears is something completely different than what she'd heard outside of Jackson, and suddenly one of Ellie's worst fears are realized. ]

[ Ellie's thoughts go to Marlene, to the hopeful Fireflies that had managed to stay alive and wait for her...For the ones that had died. They go to Sam and Henry. Tess... To Riley. All these questions of why, what was the point, and was this all a waste just rumble through her head like a bulldozer and she's left speechless for what may feel like hours. ]

[ Joel lied to her. And now he's trying to cover it up with yet another blatant and horrible lie. Suddenly, it's like she doesn't even know him anymore, that the trust she so painfully tried to build for this guy is shattered and broken with just a tap of a finger. There's this boiling, bubbling mixture of fear and anger that pool up in the cavity her stomach had left behind in the drop. Yet all Ellie can show outwardly is this painful combination of disbelief and shock, which would only appear as a painful reaction to such terrible news to Joel. And that is bound to be short-lived. ]

[ The anger seems to take over, knocking over that fear rather quickly. The bottled up emotions and thoughts crack through the glass and nearly explode. She grits her teeth, desperate to find the right words but all she can do is stare at Joel with this frothing over anger that starts to glimmer in her eyes and color her cheeks. ]

[ For now, she says nothing. Just stares. ]

Edited 2015-08-17 00:15 (UTC)

[ Joel makes the mistake of finally glancing up at Ellie.

That look on her face. It takes Joel completely off-guard. Makes that uneasy knot in his stomach to twist into something resembling dread. He quickly looks back down, tightens his jaw, then drops his fork to his plate. He wasn't really hungry before but he's definitely not hungry now. ]

You, uh. You done?

[ Meaning, is she done with her meal. He pushes his chair back, gathering up his plate to take to the kitchen. Trying to pretend everything is normal. ]

[ That anger is at a piqued, white-hot level of heat at this point. Hearing his voice puts it there, hearing him try to change the subject puts it there. ]

I don't know.

Is that the story you're sticking with this time, Joel?

[ Meaning, she knows you're full of shit. ]

[ Caught off-guard again. He's on his feet but he freezes on the spot, eyes snapping back to Ellie. A puzzled frown twitches on his brow. ]

Wh...? I don't...

[ He feels cornered. And confused. The hell does she mean by that? ]

Oh my fu--

[ Ellie stands abruptly, and she doesn't quite realize just how intense she feels until her plate is forced to rattle and vibrate against the table. ]

You want to know what's funny? What's really fucking hilarious?

[ Ellie scoffs, and it's dripping with sarcasm and irritation when she does it. ]

When we got to Jackson?

Hah, when we got to Jackson. You told me. You looked me in the eye and told me the Fireflies had "given up". That there were dozens of people like me and that they stopped trying to find a cure.

[ Now the angry look should make sense. And it's only getting worse the further things go. ]

So what is it, Joel? Did they all die before we got there, or did they give up?

[ Colour drains from Joel's face. The dread in his stomach drops heavier and sudden and sickening. He stares at Ellie like a deer caught in the headlights.

It's on the tip of his tongue to say he thought the last thing she said she remembered was them setting up camp before they even reached the hospital. His mouth has gone dry, though, and it's like the words are stuck in his throat.

It dawns on him suddenly: she lied to him about that. She lied to him because...

Swear to me. Swear to me that everything you said about the Fireflies is true.

I swear.

Staring at her now with dawning realisation creeping onto his face while clutching his dinner plate in his hand. Standing there and staring at her like he's been utterly caught out in his own lie and he has no idea how to answer her. ]

[ Silence. That's all she gets, and it's all she expects at this point. Of course he's speechless, because he's been caught. While the color in Joel's face has left, Ellie's face continues to burn. There's a lump forming in her throat, a knot forming in her chest because it doesn't take a genius to put two and two together about what happened. ]

[ Ellie takes a sharp breath through her nose, every word sounding like an outburst. Because all things considered, her second worst nightmare has come to life. All of the nightmares, the bad thoughts... The doubts. Everything she had thought was right, and it's because of that streak that she's scared to go any further. But she has to. ]

Did they give up because you stopped them?

[ His eyes cut away in an unconscious display of panicked guilt before darting right back to Ellie again. And god, he can't handle the way Ellie is looking at him. She's looking at him like she hates him. He's almost afraid to even move, let alone speak.

The guilt in his silence is palpable. Revealing. Probably tells Ellie everything she needs to know. ]

[ The silence still seems to speak louder than words. Joel's immediate dismissal cuts like a knife. Ellie's heart suddenly falls with the rest of her insides. The lump in her throat gets thicker, harder, and it hurts to swallow. Ellie's next words are spoken nervously and shaken. ]

... And Marlene?

[ She said she would catch up... She had to have been there. ]

[ Still staring at her like a deer caught in the headlights. Still guiltily silent. Slowly, he sets his plate down on the table with a fumble, his hand slightly shaky. And then he finally speaks. ]

Ellie, [ his voice is quiet, tight ] it ain't what you think--

Answer the fucking question!

[ Ellie is abrupt, stern in interjecting. Joel lost his opportunity to skip over questions and deny. He's not allowed to do that anymore. Not now. ]

[ Joel's mouth snaps shut. He swallows. He's standing on one side of the table and Ellie on the other and it feels like she's a million fucking miles away. He wishes she'd stop looking at him like that. Like she hates him. ]

Ellie, please...

[ The more he dances around the question, the more frustrated she gets. But it's obvious what that answer will be. There's no way the Fireflies would have let the cure for fucking mankind get away like that. And there's no way Joel would have made it out alive if he hadn't... ]

You killed her, didn't you? You killed all of them.

[ There's a choked sob between her words, but no tears. In fact, her eyes are dry. The shock has been enough to stop that from happening. ]

[ Something in his chest twists sharp and painful at her words, at the sob in her voice. An expression of panicked despair is starting to form on his face. ]

Ellie, please. Please don't do this--

Don't do what?!

Don't get angry because you lied to me? Because you completely disregarded everything I fucking said to you before we got there?

[ All of her words are broken, choppy from the sobs that threaten to come out after every single one of them. There's shame there, anger, disappointment... Fear. And it's all feelings that she'd buried deep in her chest and tried to pretend weren't there but they just wouldn't go away. ]

Why?

[ Louder. ]

Why?

Sweetheart, please--

[ His pleas go unheard, drowned out by Ellie's despairing, angry words. And when she demands to know why, and loudly demands to know why again, almost shouting at him, he flinches. ]

Stop this. [ It comes out loud, his own voice hitching like it's threatening to break. ] Just-- stop. You have no [ voice wavering and almost breaking again ] damn idea what you're talkin' about!

I have--

[ Ellie's scoff couldn't be any rougher. She takes a harsh step back, accidentally knocking over her chair on the way. It slams on the floor with a loud bang, and Ellie doesn't even notice. Her full attention is locked on Joel, her heart beating a mile a minute. ]

After everything we've been through, after everything I've done-- We've done-- That's all you have to say to me?!

Marlene was the last connection I had to my mother, the one who kept me from being thrown out on the goddamn streets!

I was the world's last fucking hope! Do you have any idea what kind of weight that is?!

[ The crash of the chair landing on the floor makes Joel flinch again. And Ellie shouting at him like that, looking at him like that - the words come out of his mouth in a broken shout before he even has a chance to think them over: ]

They were gonna kill you, Ellie!

[ Ellie is only silent for a brief moment, suddenly out of breath and sweating from the combination of anger and shock. That realization doesn't shock her or scare her, because it had been a possibility even before she'd discovered she was immune. ]

Before someone else did?

Before my fucking turn came up? What difference would it have made, Joel? At least if I'd died, it would have been for something!

It would've made a difference to me! [ Stabbing his finger angrily at his chest and, oh hell, his eyes are starting to burn with a prickling threat of tears. His throat feels like it's going to close up; an ugly, painful lump is forming in the back of his throat and his voice comes out rough and hitched. ]

Oh like how?!

[ At this point, Ellie is just angry. She's angry and disappointed. Scared and upset and just... She hasn't felt this goddamn alone in so long. She thought better of Joel, hoped for better from Joel. The thought of losing Marlene had made her sick, and to know that this had been a fear that was realized? ]

[ Before Joel, before all of this... Marlene was Ellie's lifeline. The last person to give a shit about her. While her views of her might be misguided and wrong, it's all she knows at this point. Facing Joel after all this is hard to handle, and her words are harsh almost without the intention of being so. It's so easy to revert back to thinking she isn't good enough for anyone now. ]

You are all I have! Think I was just gonna [ an arm flinging out in a wild gesture like he's motioning to Marlene and to the Fireflies ] let them take you away from me? After everything we've been through? Think I could bear the thought of losin' you?!

[ Ellie freezes at that, everything shutting down and leaving her nothing but a heavily breathing mess. Her hair has gone awry, pieces of her bangs clinging to her face while her ponytail has gone loose in her rampage. Suddenly, she can hear Jesse's voice echoing in the back of her head. "He loves you, you know."... ]

[ "The only reason I can think of is the whole world wasn't worth losing you." ]

[ Suddenly, all Ellie can think about is everything they had been through. She wants to call him selfish, disgusting, a fucker because he really is all of those things. But all the same... ]

[ Ellie falls silent again, only left to breathe as she takes another step back, her gaze falling away from Joel to stare at her feet. Again, she's speechless. Torn. The world was relying on her. This wasn't for her. It was for everyone else. For Marlene... For Riley and her Mom... ]

Edited 2015-08-17 04:45 (UTC)

And Marlene, she--

[ Joel cuts off, looks away. He sets his jaw tightly, swallowing hard and trying to force himself back under control. He manages, but only just. Manages to compress it all into a tight, ugly ball in his chest and turns a strained, pale look back on Ellie. ]

I wasn't gonna lose you to some possible cure the Fireflies didn't even know was gonna work. Think the world back home is worth saving? Think that's a world worth dyin' for? You dying for Marlene's crusade - that wouldn't've fixed nothin'. You matter to me more than any of that.

[ Oh god, how the fuck does this seemingly hurt more than discovering that he'd lied? That he'd killed everyone there? Is it because these are things she'd been wanting to hear from Joel for so fucking long? Is it because she doesn't want to believe him? That she wants to think that they would have found a cure and this all would have been worth it? ]

[ Ellie still remains silent, exhaling sharply as she puts her face in her hands. ]

[ Joel watches Ellie bury her face in her hands and all the fight goes out of him. He stares at her with sad eyes, then slowly, uncertainly begins to make his way around the table towards her. ]

Ellie... sweetheart... [ Said quietly, almost gently, a hand beginning to reach for her. ]

[ Goddammit that fucking name he calls her. It hasn't helped at all that she's started looking at Joel as a father figure, as family. She almost feels like being angry, blaming him and just thinking of him as a selfish fuck was easier. But it gets harder and harder as the seconds pass. She remembers Jesse's point, that Joel cares more about her than the rest of the fucking world and that's all she'd ever wanted. And now that Joel is admitting to it? ]

[ No. No she can't do this. She can't fucking do this. ]

Stop.

[ She smacks away Joel's hand and takes a further step back. When her gaze shifts back up to him, it hurts even more to look. Ellie's eyes are burning, glassy with tears that still refuse to come out. ]

I can't--

I have to go. I have to leave.

[ Joel shrinks back at Ellie smacking his hand, a stung and crestfallen look on his face. The way she steps back from him like that stings even more. It's like she can't bear to be near him.

Joel wants to lunge at her, grab her, pull her to him in a tight hug, wants to plead with her not to go. He just stands there instead, his shoulders sagging while he stares at her. She feels like she's more than a million miles away from him now even while she's right within arm's reach.

What had Jesse told him before? To give her space? Let her figure things out in her own time? But that terrifies him. And yet... what else can he do?

And so he just stares at her in quiet despair. ]

[ Space... Space, yes. That's exactly what she needs. With the insane torrent of conflicting feelings and thoughts that seem to be worse than they had been before all of this? Space is a necessity. But Ellie hesitates at first, catching that forlorn and broken expression Joel seems to have glued to his face the instant she pushes him away. The words "I'm sorry" almost come out of her mouth, but she chokes on the words. ]

[ With a sharp breath, she forces herself away. Further away. Ellie walks to the door and takes her backpack that has been lying there. There are clothes in there from the last time she'd stayed at Jesse's and had forgotten to unpack. She can clean them there. She doesn't give a shit. She just takes it and quickly walks out the door, not even paying enough mind to turn back and close it behind her. ]

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CLOSED // and i pull out my tongue

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