maskormenacelogs | semi-closed;

Entry tags:

semi-closed;

WHO: Ken + castmates/housemates and CR; planned threads
WHERE: Nonah#005, De Chima#001, and various places as needed
WHEN: May 19th to perhaps the 24th
WHAT: the aftermath of this and reconnecting with friends
WARNINGS: like last time, talks of death and suicide and shit

i: Nonah #005; (the prompt is for the 19th, but other days work too)
On the 18th, he left with a note on the refrigerator that he was sleeping over at a friend's with Koromaru and wouldn't be home that day. That, he thought, might keep his housemates from worrying when he didn't show up that night. But Ken ends up home anyway, much later into the night, with a certain blue-haired man in tow, and he curls into bed and falls asleep almost immediately then. When he wakes up, it's past noon and he has a headache but he's feeling oddly refreshed.

There are things he lied to his housemates about. There are things he wants to ask them, and clear up. He doesn't feel like putting on clothes so he just throws his jacket on over his pajamas and steps out of his room. It's a weekday, so he doesn't know who's going to be home, but he has plenty of time. Whenever he comes across someone who's at the house, he shuffles over to them, hesitating just once before mumbling: "Can I sit with you?"

ii: De Chima #001
After the talks at Nonah have been had, De Chima is his next stop. He isn't sure how far the news had spread, if it had at all, but he's sure he'll find out once he's there. It's daunting, but it's hardy the scariest thing he's dealt with at this point... right?

Lies. Facing his friends is the scariest part. Scarier than running off alone with a knife in his pocket and no idea where to go. He's absolutely terrified of confronting them, even if there's a voice in his head whispering that it really wouldn't be a confrontation. It doesn't help the nervous twisting in his gut, though, so he clutches the straps on his backpack as he enters the house.

And the nervousness is overwhelming. He can hardly handle it. It's to the point that the moment he runs into anybody at De Chima #001 and they so much as greet him, he jumps and lowers his head and immediately blurts out a hurried, "I'm sorry!" ... Sorry about that.

iii: a text message
And maybe you're not at either of those houses when he is and Ken still wants to see you, or he feels like going somewhere that's not the houses to talk with you. In such a case, there will be a text from Ken to you, short and to the point. He'd make it more specific, maybe explain more, but he ended up getting nervous and sending it off quickly so the actual message ends up saying nothing more than:

Can we meet up somewhere?

((ooc; I'll likely also make this a catch-all for Ken stuff during June, so if you'd like to do something with him, whether it's about the above stuff of anything else, feel free to shoot me a message at

squigstuff!))

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[His hands tighten in the fabric Jaime's shirt. It wasn't easy to think about. About going to seek help, about admitting that he needed any. He handled a lot on his own these past two years, and the feeling of utter wrongness about not doing so sticks to his mind stubbornly.]

You're sure this is okay? [In lots of ways, Crane was right about him. He sought these people's approval. He was desperate for it. He was desperate not to be left alone. So unsure about his own beliefs, he clung to their words. If Jaime said this was okay, and Minato did, and Tadashi did too, then...] That I can-- I'm not... using you guys?

The only way you'd be using us is if we didn't want to do it. All you're doing is taking us up on an offer.

[Jaime's hands slide away from Ken's back to grip at both of his arms, looking down at what is, at the present, a decent view of the top of the poor kid's head. Ken might not be up to eye contact at this very moment, but he just wanted to take a look at his face, see how he's taking it -- as if the way his hands have a death grip on his shirt isn't indication enough.]

And I'm offering. I'm offering now, and I'll offer again, and if you ask me six months from now, I'll still be offering. You can always come and talk to me, or ask me for help, even if it's for something you think is dumb.

[It's all flippy hair that's droopier than when they first met; it had grown and gotten heavier. Three months since arriving here, and a haircut has been the last on his list of priorities. There are knots here and there where the strands curl and tangle, and he hasn't combed it very carefully today. It wasn't really on his mind.

But while Ken is definitely not letting go of Jaime's shirt yet, he's not against looking up. He felt him move and curiosity still manages to nudge at him, and he peers at him, not realizing Jaime's trying to get a look at his face, too. He's tense, eyebrows knitted together and his lips pressed together in a frown, but his eyes are dry. Crying doesn't come that easily.]

... Can you stay for a while?

[Jaime looks down at Ken, sympathy in his eyes. It's odd, how Ken can look so troubled, but he's still not crying. Jaime will probably cry when he goes home, but he's always been a crybaby, he supposes. It would probably be good for Ken to cry, to just let it all out, but maybe not here, and maybe not with him. He hopes that when he finally breaks, it's around someone, someone who will give him a hug and tell him it's going to be okay despite all evidence to the contrary.

He leans forward a little again, hand rising to absently flatten down Ken's hair, comb his fingers through the tangle of it, like he remembers his mother doing when he was young. These days, she'd have to reach up to do it.]

'Course I can. I'll stay for as long as you want. Sometimes... sometimes it helps just to have someone to sit beside, I think. It always helps me.

[It's an invitation, albeit a subtle one; if Ken just needs to be around someone, he needs to know that it's okay to reach out. It's not as if Jaime doesn't do the same thing in his own way, texting Booster to go out on patrol, or watching a movie with Traci, or coming over here so Shinji can sit there and grunt reassuringly as they vent out any excess aggression from their day over video games they suck at.

You need those people, sometimes.]

[There's a tug at his hair, the press of a hand over it, and similar to how Jaime mimics the gesture from his mother, it reminds Ken of his own. Funny, because Jaime's nothing like his mother but he was usually the one who did things to remind him of her, whether it was talking about his own or doing things like this. He thought he was all cried out after doing so with Minato, but his eyes widen just a little as Jaime pets his hair and he feels a tightening in his chest that's reminiscent of that urge. He doesn't, but it's there, and it's curious to him how this warmness tempts him more than any of this talk about death.

He takes a slow, shaky breath at Jaime's agreement and nods. He lets go of his shirt but it's only to wrap his arms around him instead, hesitantly just like the last time when it was with Minato, but this isn't a gesture Ken's completely unfamiliar with; he still remembers from the days he had with his mother.]

... I have a lot of people here. [That's the truth. He knows that if he wanted, all he would have to do is ask someone just like he asked Jaime today and they would be here. Not just because he was a child. Not just because he was SEES. Those were reasons too, but more than that, because they considered him a friend. Here, he wasnt alone, and even if that made him as nervous as being alone frightened him, he knows that it's true. And perhaps, if he could get himself to accept it, he wasn't alone back in Iwatodai either. Maybe only Fuuka might express it, but they were worrying about him too.]

I worried a lot of people, [he mumbles, muffled against Jaime's shirt.] I'm sorry.

It's okay, [Jaime says, and he's getting the sneaking suspicion that he'll be hearing a lot of apologies in the future. He keeps up the motion, soft and soothing. What sort of reactions did he get from everyone else? He wonders. They're all good, kind, decent people, but none of them are what he would call demonstrative in their affections. They're people to talk to, and he's certain that Minato at least has given Ken a hug, but...

Jaime knows himself well in some ways, and he's a complete mystery to himself in others. One way that he does know himself, though, is that he's a good listener. People have accused him of being too soft for his own good sometimes, but here and now, Ken could use a soft place to fall. He doesn't know how to deal with a kid going through grief, or a kid going through thoughts of suicide. He really doesn't.

He can listen, though, and he can be here for him. Maybe combined with everyone else, it will be enough.]

You're right, though. You worried a lot of people here, but only because you have a lot of people who care about you here. You just gotta learn how to care about yourself too.

[For Ken, who had been convinced that he would have made everybody angry, that he was causing trouble by being there or by leaving, Jaime's reaction is almost overwhelming. Even just being accepted back into their lives was surprising to him, so Minato's quiet but intense concern, Akihiko arriving to drag him back at all -- those are more than he anticipated, and he'll later admit that that made him happy enough. He hardly knows what to expect from people who aren't his mother. Maybe it's not the sort of 'affection' most people would show, it was a lot for him. It was better than what he had before: a dorm with children he couldn't relate to and a meager allowance to survive by every month, and no adult to even tell him when his feet had grown too big for his shoes. The shoelaces snapped back in September, and it wasn't until the store clerk told him that he realized it was a size too small.

Here, he would probably be able to find someone to tell him that, and someone who'll come along with him to help him pick out a new one. That difference is startling, and he's always surprising himself with the realizations. But right now, he listens. He listens, and he thinks, and as the confusion rises in him again, he voices it because he believes that Jaime will try to answer.]

How does someone care about themselves?

[Do you do something? Do you have to be super aware of it? Ken recognizes caring about others -- he still remembers when Minato got kidnapped -- but how do you do that for yourself?]

Oh. Um... well, it's not always an easy thing, I don't think. It's easier for some people than others.

[Does Jaime care about himself? He certainly thinks he does, in every way that counts. It's a hard thing to define, or to put his finger on. For Ken's sake, though, he'll try to sort it out. It's the sort of question better suited to the more philosophical among them, and that's something Jaime's always failed at, truth be told.]

You need to take care of yourself, for one. Don't let yourself go without stuff that you wouldn't want other people to go without, even if that's just some time to relax, or having someone else to talk to.

[That's a start, isn't it? It's not really about caring about himself, but he finds himself thinking about the Scarab, and his long journey from being an object to becoming his own, independent person. It's a lot easier to suss out that way, which would be telling for someone a bit more perceptive than Jaime. As it is, he just serves as a fitting example.]

You need to remember to give yourself a second chance too, I guess.

[That's a fatal mistake most if not all members of SEES makes. They all, intentionally or not, tend to provide for one another what the others need while being oblivious to or blatantly ignoring themselves and their needs. For Ken, he had squashed any thoughts about his needs ages ago. A home and a loving family may have been at the top of that list before, but he crossed them out after accepting that they were things he'd never have, after realizing that whoever it was that accepted custody of him had written him away at the first chance they were given. Instead, he thinks, his mind had created Nemesis, someone he could use to project his anger into. But he had been alone then, and now he isn't.

Now, would Nemesis help him if he called for her to protect somebody with? He remembers Minato, lying on the couch after his return from wherever he was. He thinks about Shinjiro, who had a chance here. About Akihiko, who had pushed aside his mourning for that chance he had. And what about him? What had he done? What could he do? He thinks about Jaime and how he had talked about his family before, and how he had thought that people like Jaime, people like him who had that sort of happiness nobody in SEES had, were the very people they were fighting to protect.]

It makes sense, but it's not easy to understand. [He thought he had his chances. He had been aware of what he had -- friends, people who took care of him -- and he pushed that away because he thought he didn't deserve it. He can try to accept that, now, but it wouldn't be easy to do it for his own sake.]

But before -- when I first arrived, I talked to Minato-san, and he said I could find a direction. I got confused. I thought even that was more than I deserved. But if I'm gonna live, if I'm gonna do this, I have people that I want to protect here. And I... I can't do that if I'm not alive.

That's a good start.

[Is it really? Jaime's not actually sure. It sounds suspiciously like living for someone else. What happens once everyone graduates and Ken's left alone in some strange dorm again, surrounded by strangers that know nothing of what he's done, what he's been through, and more important, won't understand? It's years in the future, but his chest still tightens a little just thinking about it. They've talked about it before, certainly, but hadn't come to any sort of satisfactory conclusion.

Finally, he lets go of Ken's head, leaning away a little bit, but he makes no move to rise from his crouch.]

So... protecting people. That's what's important to you, right? Not just your friends, but people in general?

I don't know... about people in general.

[If someone was in danger, or they needed help, Ken knows he will drop what he's doing to help them. But whether that was because there was some sort of philanthropist in him or he just had that sense of righteousness, he doesn't know. It could be neither. It could be both. But it'll be nice, he thinks, if Jaime could be right.]

But I want to protect Hiro and Tadashi-san. And Aragaki-san, Koromaru, Sanada-san, and you... Minato-san said he would guard me, but I- I want to protect him, too. Especially after what happened. They're all strong people, but that doesn't mean they don't need help. If I can do it, and they'll let me stay by them. [With Jaime pulling back even a little, Ken's arms are too short to stay around him so he lets them fall, a little, still linger by the fabric of his shirt.]

It's hard to grasp the idea of 'people' because there are so many. Fighting to end the Dark Hour, to save the people who're affected by the Apathy Syndrome. This war. I don't really get that, but I -- if I can, I want to protect you guys. Just like I wanted to protect my mom. I actually know how to, now. I'm stronger than I was when I couldn't protect her.

[I want to protect him too.

That strikes Jaime, hits him right down deep in his gut. No, he realizes. No, no, no, this can't be it, this can't be the reason why Ken moves on, because Ken will fail. Ken has already failed. They can try their best to protect Minato here, but he's already dead. What happens when a soul fixated on finding a reason to live chases after a lost cause?

Why has Ken chosen almost exclusively people who are willing to put their lives on the line to protect? Don't try to protect me either, he wants to tell Ken. I'm the guy who runs towards bombs. God, how does he salvage this?

He can't. Not right now, anyway. He needs... he needs to talk to Minato. Maybe then he can make sense of what to do next.]

Protection has to do with more than just knowing how to be strong. Maybe you can find some direction, some -- some reason that way, you know? Before all this happened, did you ever think about what you wanted to be when you grow up?

[For Jaime's sake, Ken is mostly oblivious to his sudden distress. He knows there are things in the future Minato isn't telling him. There's been a clear reference to what awaits, that when Ken's time ends in this world and he returns to Iwatodai, Shinjiro won't be the last of the tragedies. He knew that. They were all risking their lives here.

It just doesn't occur to him that it could be Minato. He's too scared of losing him to even consider that as more than a possibility he could fight against.]

I... think so, [he answers, vaguely, forming the words slowly and nervously when he realizes he doesn't really remember. He must have. That was a homework assignment of all things. And he liked sports, and he liked the cops in the sentai shows he watched, and maybe he had wanted to be a policeman but he was so disillusioned by them after that. He shakes his head.] I don't really know. I think whatever would've helped me support my mom?

Now, I guess, you'll have to choose a different path.

[He'll be happy if he can keep on doing this, gently pushing Ken to think about living on for the next ten years, not just the next ten minutes. Long-term plans are a pretty good way of doing it, he thinks.]

You could always think about being a cop, or a doctor, or something like that. Those are two different types of protecting people, but both are important, you know?

A police officer...?

[He is well acquainted with one, at least. Officer Kurosawa who helps them get their weapons. The one policeman who believed anything about Persona and Shadows. Other than that-- he tries not to show it on his face, but he doesn't know if he can work with that. The law couldn't help everyone. But a doctor...? That seems different, too.]

I guess. But all I know how to do is fight. I wonder if I'll be able to find anything.

[Jaime laughs, but after all that tense talk, it's not an unkind sound.]

Ken, you're eleven. I promise you that 90% of the kids your age know just as much as you do -- less, probably. You're smarter than you think you are. You've got lots of time to decide, and to learn, and -- heck, I don't know enough to jump into a great job right away.

[He's not going to college next year. That idea is still an odd one to him, that he's leaping into adulthood so soon. It will be his first time not having any schoolwork to go home to.]

It's just good to think about, that's all.

[He turns to Jaime, frown softening into a look of curiosity. It's weird to think about: Jaime not knowing enough. About someone this many years older years older than him admitting that he could possibly be lacking in something. As much as Ken insisted that he was only six years younger than the others, those years made all the difference for them. Six years was enough to leave him a child even as everybody went into their adulthood. So you don't get everything figured out before you end up in college or a job? What the heck?

Before answering, he gets himself out of the ball he'd curled up into earlier. Stretching his legs, scooting to the edge of the seat cushion so he can be sitting closer to Jaime and so the guy doesn't have to lean forward so precariously to reach him.

He doesn't bring up the thoughts that are surfacing now that the others are receding for now. He still has doubts, and as much as he wants to hold on to this, this world and the people he met and the things he's learning here, he listens to Jaime talk and he wonders: How much time do they have? How much time do any of them have? Jaime told him before that time stops while you're away from your home world. That you'll go back to whatever time you were originally from, and you can't, as of yet, take anything from here back with you. To Ken, that knowledge was enough to separate himself from the "Ken Amada" that exists back there. The Ken that Minato, from the future, remembers at his point in time, is not a Ken that knows Nonah or De Chima, and it's unlikely at this point that he'll be able to return to Iwatodai as the Ken he is now, here.

He thinks back to his conversation with Hiro in New York when he was told the brothers' plan to save Tadashi, and how by doing so, by erasing the incident that ended Tadashi's life, Hiro as he is now will probably cease to exist. Even if he's still Hiro, he won't be this Hiro. At the same time, whoever Hiro becomes here can't return to San Fransokyo. Whether they're already dead like Shinjiro or still alive, unless someone works something out, they can't exist anywhere else.

"What's the point?" Where is there a need to think about the future when it might not exist anyway, whether he decides to end his life or live it out here? He sighs, quietly, and his head drops back to Jaime's shoulder.]

I don't even have any hobbies.

[With Ken scooting closer, it's easy for Jaime to lift his arm again, resting his hand on his back. It's impossible to know what Ken's thinking at the best of times, but now? After what he's done? Jaime has no idea. He hopes that it's going down a good path, that he's saying the right thing instead of screwing it all up.]

You wanna hear the good news? You've got plenty of time to find them.

[Jaime's life has been so utterly ordinary that he hasn't even thought of his hobbies as hobbies. They're just something that he does, an ever-present comfort to him throughout his youth. There had always been room for plenty of play, even with both parents working full-time to make sure that they were well taken care of.

Where they'd found time for all those soccer practices and visits to the park, Jaime will never know. But if he hadn't had those, he'd had video games, and comic book swaps with Paco, the buzz of the TV and a tower of library books. If those had failed to entertain, all he had to do was pick on his sister to get her all riled up or, if he'd been feeling particularly generous, he'd deign to play dolls with her, just for a little while.]

I think I've got a few extra. We can figure that out together too. Does that sound okay?

I don't know.

[Jaime knows, and Ken knows, that lying is not something he's good at. Keeping secrets? Sure. He can keep silent all he wants; perhaps not as well as Minato, but he was pretty good at fooling people through omission. Still, that's not an option he has or would take here, and he admits to the truth with Jaime, not with ease but also without much hesitation.]

I don't really know what's right or what's okay. Nothing was okay for a long time. But, um, if you think so.

[Jaime exhales, a low, slow sound. He can't quite express how sad of a statement that is, nor can he quantify why it's sad -- only that it is, ineffably so. Ken's been lost for so long now, hasn't he? He's been set on the road without a compass to follow, and when he finally seems to have found one, it's complicated by everything else.

Ken's been traveling for a long, long time now, but he's been at it without a road map, seemingly judging his distance by landmarks alone. Jaime feels a horrible sadness for Ken well up in his chest for a second, wondering how the world had let him get to this point, but there's no use in wondering, is there? They need to deal with what's happened, and what's in front of them.]

Yeah, [he says softly.] Nothing was okay for a long time. But we're going to keep working, and eventually, we're going to get things back to okay. You have to believe me when I say that, all right? I know it's really hard right now, but things will get better. They will.

I'm trying. [Minato said something similar, too. To believe in him, if it's hard to believe the words he said. And Ken's trying, and he wants to try. He was convinced that the loneliness would last until the day he ended it himself, and he's yet to realize that all things pass, including sadness. Or that even if one thing ends, it won't be the end of everything. He just holds on tighter to Jaime and hates to think that one day, this will end, when it's the best thing he's had in two years.]

I want to live, Jaime-san. I just-- it's got to be more than just breathing and waking up, right?

It's so much more than that. I promise you'll see it that way too eventually.

[He's silent as he thinks. These days, if you asked him what his purpose in life was, he'd probably think about his duties as the Blue Beetle. He helps people, changes lives, and it's hard to remember when that hadn't played such a huge role in his life, but he hadn't been doing this for long. It's not that everything that mattered before disappeared, just that he introduced a new variable. He still does everything he did before, looking forward to quiet nights with just him and Netflix and a book and days spent out with friends, taking joy in pleasures big and small.

Jaime loves his life. A lot of it's gotten messy, but the love's never faded.]

It can be about big things, like protecting people, but it can be about little things too, you know. Figuring out what you enjoy doing, and going out and doing that, trying to do well in school... [He's quiet for a second before adding,] But if you need a reminder that it's more than just breathing and waking up, you can always call your friends. You know that, right?

[He nods. This time, the nod comes quickly. Not so much that he's just nodding to appease Jaime, but enough that there's less reluctance than there was before. He can always call. Yeah, he knows that. He knows.]

Yeah. [He nods again.] I know that. And... I'm really grateful, for all of you, and all you've done for someone like-- for me. I'm sorry I almost threw that all out. But I want to try.

We've especially done it for someone like you. [He caught that, Ken, don't think he hasn't.] We like you, for who you are. You're smart - [he taps lightly on the back of his head] - and you're brave, and you care. You'll learn to see that too.

[He keeps on saying that he wants to try, again and again, and that's the best they can hope for right now, isn't it? They just need to make sure he doesn't hit rock bottom again.]

[Trying is the best he thinks he can do. Absolutes are lost to him right now, and he's grasping to figure out what he really wants. He feels partially like he's just running away from actual decision making, but what if he makes these promises and fails to fulfill them? That's scary to think about.]

... I'll trust you.

[Smart and brave -- right. He can't see that. But Jaime's not telling him to do so immediately, so he relaxes at that and lets himself lean against him. He can't deny that this is very, very comforting.]

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