semi-closed;

[orangehoodie]

WHO: Ken + castmates/housemates and CR; planned threads
WHERE: Nonah#005, De Chima#001, and various places as needed
WHEN: May 19th to perhaps the 24th
WHAT: the aftermath of this and reconnecting with friends
WARNINGS: like last time, talks of death and suicide and shit

i: Nonah #005; (the prompt is for the 19th, but other days work too)
On the 18th, he left with a note on the refrigerator that he was sleeping over at a friend's with Koromaru and wouldn't be home that day. That, he thought, might keep his housemates from worrying when he didn't show up that night. But Ken ends up home anyway, much later into the night, with a certain blue-haired man in tow, and he curls into bed and falls asleep almost immediately then. When he wakes up, it's past noon and he has a headache but he's feeling oddly refreshed.

There are things he lied to his housemates about. There are things he wants to ask them, and clear up. He doesn't feel like putting on clothes so he just throws his jacket on over his pajamas and steps out of his room. It's a weekday, so he doesn't know who's going to be home, but he has plenty of time. Whenever he comes across someone who's at the house, he shuffles over to them, hesitating just once before mumbling: "Can I sit with you?"

ii: De Chima #001
After the talks at Nonah have been had, De Chima is his next stop. He isn't sure how far the news had spread, if it had at all, but he's sure he'll find out once he's there. It's daunting, but it's hardy the scariest thing he's dealt with at this point... right?

Lies. Facing his friends is the scariest part. Scarier than running off alone with a knife in his pocket and no idea where to go. He's absolutely terrified of confronting them, even if there's a voice in his head whispering that it really wouldn't be a confrontation. It doesn't help the nervous twisting in his gut, though, so he clutches the straps on his backpack as he enters the house.

And the nervousness is overwhelming. He can hardly handle it. It's to the point that the moment he runs into anybody at De Chima #001 and they so much as greet him, he jumps and lowers his head and immediately blurts out a hurried, "I'm sorry!" ... Sorry about that.

iii: a text message
And maybe you're not at either of those houses when he is and Ken still wants to see you, or he feels like going somewhere that's not the houses to talk with you. In such a case, there will be a text from Ken to you, short and to the point. He'd make it more specific, maybe explain more, but he ended up getting nervous and sending it off quickly so the actual message ends up saying nothing more than:

Can we meet up somewhere?

((ooc; I'll likely also make this a catch-all for Ken stuff during June, so if you'd like to do something with him, whether it's about the above stuff of anything else, feel free to shoot me a message at squigstuff!))

Comments

[khajidont]

[With Ken scooting closer, it's easy for Jaime to lift his arm again, resting his hand on his back. It's impossible to know what Ken's thinking at the best of times, but now? After what he's done? Jaime has no idea. He hopes that it's going down a good path, that he's saying the right thing instead of screwing it all up.]

You wanna hear the good news? You've got plenty of time to find them.

[Jaime's life has been so utterly ordinary that he hasn't even thought of his hobbies as hobbies. They're just something that he does, an ever-present comfort to him throughout his youth. There had always been room for plenty of play, even with both parents working full-time to make sure that they were well taken care of.

Where they'd found time for all those soccer practices and visits to the park, Jaime will never know. But if he hadn't had those, he'd had video games, and comic book swaps with Paco, the buzz of the TV and a tower of library books. If those had failed to entertain, all he had to do was pick on his sister to get her all riled up or, if he'd been feeling particularly generous, he'd deign to play dolls with her, just for a little while.]

I think I've got a few extra. We can figure that out together too. Does that sound okay?

[orangehoodie]

I don't know.

[Jaime knows, and Ken knows, that lying is not something he's good at. Keeping secrets? Sure. He can keep silent all he wants; perhaps not as well as Minato, but he was pretty good at fooling people through omission. Still, that's not an option he has or would take here, and he admits to the truth with Jaime, not with ease but also without much hesitation.]

I don't really know what's right or what's okay. Nothing was okay for a long time. But, um, if you think so.

[khajidont]

[Jaime exhales, a low, slow sound. He can't quite express how sad of a statement that is, nor can he quantify why it's sad -- only that it is, ineffably so. Ken's been lost for so long now, hasn't he? He's been set on the road without a compass to follow, and when he finally seems to have found one, it's complicated by everything else.

Ken's been traveling for a long, long time now, but he's been at it without a road map, seemingly judging his distance by landmarks alone. Jaime feels a horrible sadness for Ken well up in his chest for a second, wondering how the world had let him get to this point, but there's no use in wondering, is there? They need to deal with what's happened, and what's in front of them.]

Yeah, [he says softly.] Nothing was okay for a long time. But we're going to keep working, and eventually, we're going to get things back to okay. You have to believe me when I say that, all right? I know it's really hard right now, but things will get better. They will.

[orangehoodie]

I'm trying. [Minato said something similar, too. To believe in him, if it's hard to believe the words he said. And Ken's trying, and he wants to try. He was convinced that the loneliness would last until the day he ended it himself, and he's yet to realize that all things pass, including sadness. Or that even if one thing ends, it won't be the end of everything. He just holds on tighter to Jaime and hates to think that one day, this will end, when it's the best thing he's had in two years.]

I want to live, Jaime-san. I just-- it's got to be more than just breathing and waking up, right?

[khajidont]

It's so much more than that. I promise you'll see it that way too eventually.

[He's silent as he thinks. These days, if you asked him what his purpose in life was, he'd probably think about his duties as the Blue Beetle. He helps people, changes lives, and it's hard to remember when that hadn't played such a huge role in his life, but he hadn't been doing this for long. It's not that everything that mattered before disappeared, just that he introduced a new variable. He still does everything he did before, looking forward to quiet nights with just him and Netflix and a book and days spent out with friends, taking joy in pleasures big and small.

Jaime loves his life. A lot of it's gotten messy, but the love's never faded.]

It can be about big things, like protecting people, but it can be about little things too, you know. Figuring out what you enjoy doing, and going out and doing that, trying to do well in school... [He's quiet for a second before adding,] But if you need a reminder that it's more than just breathing and waking up, you can always call your friends. You know that, right?

[orangehoodie]

[He nods. This time, the nod comes quickly. Not so much that he's just nodding to appease Jaime, but enough that there's less reluctance than there was before. He can always call. Yeah, he knows that. He knows.]

Yeah. [He nods again.] I know that. And... I'm really grateful, for all of you, and all you've done for someone like-- for me. I'm sorry I almost threw that all out. But I want to try.

[khajidont]

We've especially done it for someone like you. [He caught that, Ken, don't think he hasn't.] We like you, for who you are. You're smart - [he taps lightly on the back of his head] - and you're brave, and you care. You'll learn to see that too.

[He keeps on saying that he wants to try, again and again, and that's the best they can hope for right now, isn't it? They just need to make sure he doesn't hit rock bottom again.]

[orangehoodie]

[Trying is the best he thinks he can do. Absolutes are lost to him right now, and he's grasping to figure out what he really wants. He feels partially like he's just running away from actual decision making, but what if he makes these promises and fails to fulfill them? That's scary to think about.]

... I'll trust you.

[Smart and brave -- right. He can't see that. But Jaime's not telling him to do so immediately, so he relaxes at that and lets himself lean against him. He can't deny that this is very, very comforting.]

[khajidont]

Good. Thank you for telling me, Ken, I know that couldn't have been easy. And... thank you for being honest.

[It must have been awfully scary for him, calling Jaime in explicitly to tell him what he had tried to do. Would Jaime have fessed up to all his friends? Probably not, he knows. He's avoidant in nature, and to confess something on this scale would be nothing short of petrifying.

Otherwise, Jaime figures they've done enough talking for today, so unless Ken pipes up again, that's the last thing he says for a long while. There's nothing more that can be healed this very second, but they can sit here like this, together. That much, they can do.]

[orangehoodie]

Thank you for listening.

[If the truth hadn't been so terrifying, Ken thinks none of this would have happened. Nothing, starting with October 4th. But he can't change October 4th. He can't bring Shinjiro back. But he thinks he's lied and dodged enough, and there's nothing more comforting right now than how warm he feels to know that he's close to somebody.

He doesn't cry. Not out loud. But he's content to be held in Jaime's arms for now, and he thinks he can save the apology about the wet spots on his shoulder later.]