maskormenacelogs | semi-closed;

Entry tags:

semi-closed;

WHO: Ken + castmates/housemates and CR; planned threads
WHERE: Nonah#005, De Chima#001, and various places as needed
WHEN: May 19th to perhaps the 24th
WHAT: the aftermath of this and reconnecting with friends
WARNINGS: like last time, talks of death and suicide and shit

i: Nonah #005; (the prompt is for the 19th, but other days work too)
On the 18th, he left with a note on the refrigerator that he was sleeping over at a friend's with Koromaru and wouldn't be home that day. That, he thought, might keep his housemates from worrying when he didn't show up that night. But Ken ends up home anyway, much later into the night, with a certain blue-haired man in tow, and he curls into bed and falls asleep almost immediately then. When he wakes up, it's past noon and he has a headache but he's feeling oddly refreshed.

There are things he lied to his housemates about. There are things he wants to ask them, and clear up. He doesn't feel like putting on clothes so he just throws his jacket on over his pajamas and steps out of his room. It's a weekday, so he doesn't know who's going to be home, but he has plenty of time. Whenever he comes across someone who's at the house, he shuffles over to them, hesitating just once before mumbling: "Can I sit with you?"

ii: De Chima #001
After the talks at Nonah have been had, De Chima is his next stop. He isn't sure how far the news had spread, if it had at all, but he's sure he'll find out once he's there. It's daunting, but it's hardy the scariest thing he's dealt with at this point... right?

Lies. Facing his friends is the scariest part. Scarier than running off alone with a knife in his pocket and no idea where to go. He's absolutely terrified of confronting them, even if there's a voice in his head whispering that it really wouldn't be a confrontation. It doesn't help the nervous twisting in his gut, though, so he clutches the straps on his backpack as he enters the house.

And the nervousness is overwhelming. He can hardly handle it. It's to the point that the moment he runs into anybody at De Chima #001 and they so much as greet him, he jumps and lowers his head and immediately blurts out a hurried, "I'm sorry!" ... Sorry about that.

iii: a text message
And maybe you're not at either of those houses when he is and Ken still wants to see you, or he feels like going somewhere that's not the houses to talk with you. In such a case, there will be a text from Ken to you, short and to the point. He'd make it more specific, maybe explain more, but he ended up getting nervous and sending it off quickly so the actual message ends up saying nothing more than:

Can we meet up somewhere?

((ooc; I'll likely also make this a catch-all for Ken stuff during June, so if you'd like to do something with him, whether it's about the above stuff of anything else, feel free to shoot me a message at

squigstuff!))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Of course it's alright. Just give me some time to get there, yeah?

[ for the record, she would never have a problem going to Nonah 005.

(except for the times that she did because she was trying to protect Charlie, and everyone for that matter, since she'd gotten involved in vigilantism. But that's a story for another day.) ]

Thanks, Kasumi-san. I'll bet on the front steps.

[With the door open, waiting, and Koromaru running up and down the steps to play with him while he does. At least it doesn't look like anything's wrong.]

[ when Kasumi arrives, she'll smile at the sight of Ken and Koromaru, because honestly what kind of heartless monster would she be if an adorable kid playing with his adorable dog didn't make her smile.

Today, she's dressed down to a more casual hoodie, though it's still relatively nice. It's not her space suit, though. ]

Hey there, Ken-kun.

You too, Koro-chan.

[Koromaru stops at the bottom of the steps when he sees Kasumi, getting her as she walks up. Ken gets to his feet as well, and he smiles at her. He really appreciates her coming.]

Hey, Kasumi-san. How've you been?

[ She offers Koro a little wave when he approaches, and she tilts her head at Ken with a smile when he gets up. ]

Oh, I've been just fine.

[ It's true enough; she's not dead or injured or in trouble (relatively speaking), at least. She is, however, pretty tired, and the a hint of exhaustion in her voice says as much. The last few weeks have been taxing on her body, and the last few days particularly so on her mind, for personal reasons. ]

How about you, Ken-kun?

[Ken's always been pretty observant. Today, a little more so than he was before. He's slow to move, taking careful steps over the sidewalk toward her as Koromaru sits by her feet, and he listens to that tired sound in her voice and wonders where she had been these last few weeks. He had been so caught up in his own thoughts...]

... I'm all right, [he answers after a few seconds of trying to find the right words.] I just thought-- I wanted to see people, today.

[ Few seconds they may have been, the pause is telling enough to someone as similarly observant as Kasumi, and she senses that there's more to this than just wanting to see people. She won't press just yet, though; she'll let him finds his words whenever he's ready to say them. She comes down into a squat to scratch Koromaru behind his ears and nods at Ken. ]

Well, you see me.

[ Choice words from someone who enjoys spending a disproportionate amount of time invisible. ]

Shall we go get ice cream?

[For someone who doesn't know that she can turn invisible, it comes off as a silly repetition of his words. That's true. He sees her. It's not quite a happy look yet, but it makes him smile, at least a little.]

Yeah, [he says, nodding, then repeats,] Yeah. Um, let's go.

[And he pauses, once more, like he's considering his options -- before he reaches over to tug on her hand briefly. He lets go almost immediately, but there's no pretending that didn't just happen.]

[ ... Huh.

When was the last time someone as young as ken held her hand like that?

Oh, right. When she was saving a young artist from slavers.

The gesture makes her hesitate almost as much as it does Ken, because she's seriously not used to this kind of thing, but after a moment, her vaguely confused expression softens with a warm smile, and she takes Ken's hand. Oddly enough, the act makes her feel more at ease than anything. ]

Come on. Charlie took me to this great sushi place once. They have really good mochi. You like mochi, right?

[The last time, for Ken, was more than two years ago before his mother's death. He didn't have anybody he was close enough to after that. He doesn't really know what to make of it. Sure, he took the initiative, but now that she's reciprocated--

It's warm. He'd forgotten how warm people's hands could be, and he's reminded of cool autumn nights when he would help his mother hold the grocery bags with one hand while clasping hers with his other. He always thought that was warmer than wearing gloves. But he wonders -- Kasumi's hand feels smaller than he remembers his mother's being. Did that simply mean she was smaller, or had Ken grown? If she were still alive, would it feel smaller too? Would he even still hold her hand? Would he notice?

Something wells up and a lump rises in his throat as the questions only remind him that he'll never know, and as he clenches his teeth together to keep silent, he holds tightly onto her hand without thinking, too. It takes him a couple seconds to respond, at which point he mumbles,] I do.

[ She's silent as they walk along the sidewalks; it's clear to her from how Ken is acting that the gesture is no small act for him--it isn't for her, either. It's another thing to add to her ever-growing list of interpersonal interactions she would have never expected to have, possibly ever again.

After all, before she arrived here, she'd been close to giving up on the galaxy, to giving up on any hope for a future. She'd even pushed away Shepard, who had been the only person to earn her trust and loyalty after Keiji was killed, telling him that she'd rather spend the rest of her days with Keiji (or rather, with her memories of Keiji) than come back to his crew to fight for that future. She was convinced that if she couldn't be with Keiji, then she could only be alone in every way, because what was the point of anything else if he wasn't there?

That she's experiencing real relationships with people she's met here is odd, to her. She would have expected herself to shut herself away, live a solitary life like she did at home, to the point where no one would know she existed. But no, people reached out to her--the Normandy crew, at first--and then she found herself reaching back. And reaching out, out to these people from different dimensions, who don't know a thing about the Reapers or Kasumi Goto or the war or anything. Now, she finds that... refreshing, and the fact that Ken literally reached for her--it makes her think that it's nice, nice to be needed by someone, and wow, this is strange. Just strange.

But this isn't about her. Right now, it's about Ken. So she'll stay quiet until he's ready to talk. ]

[Ken doesn't know how to feel. He feels stuck, caught between the memories that haunt him, the future that daunts him, and the present he isn't sure if he wants to keep or throw away. The nagging itch to tear his hand away from her and run off again is there, refusing to be ignored as it pricks at his skin with every step, tugging on him like there's a string attached to his stomach and every inch forward is a reminder of what he's dragging behind him. Yet, the warmth still spreads from their linked hands and he glances up at her and steps closer, aware that this isn't his mother but also so, so aware that this is a person who is letting him be close.

Guilt wraps its cold fingers around his throat at the thought -- you surround yourself with people who will offer you forgiveness -- but he picks up the pace and almost holds that hand for comfort. Like a child holding on to his parent when he's scared, he finds himself thinking. Kasumi can't protect or save him, he knows that the thoughts are all in his head and he's the only one who can fight them, but he closes his eyes for a few moments and lets her lead the way and the cold fingers slip away by the time he opens them again. The sun is just warm and shining down on them. It's a beautiful day, really, and it makes him almost want to cry.]

... Hey, Kasumi-san?

[ Kasumi can feel the little tugs on her hand from Ken first as he seems to drag behind like there's something holding him back, and then again as he decides to fall into step with her. She has an urge, herself, to let go--maybe he feels uncomfortable with this--but she casts him a sidelong glance to find that he's closed his eyes. To Kasumi, Ken looks like he's having a nightmare even though he's awake, and he's wishing for something to go away--he looks scared, she thinks. (And not of her, hopefully.) By the time he's opened his eyes again, her gaze is once again cast forward, and she offers the gentlest voice she can manage as she responds to him. ]

What is it, Ken-kun?

Have you, [he starts, then stops. He doesn't know to say this. He doesn't know if he should say it. What if he shouldn't say anything at all, and he's wrong? If Crane was right and he shouldn't have spoken to anybody at all? He looks at Kasumi -- at her hand, since he's afraid of looking up -- and wonders what sort of effect it would have on her if he divulged in her. How would it spread?

Like poison?

He finds that his throat is tight and he can't bring himself to say anything yet. His eyes drop to the ground and their feet as they walk, silent, again, until he wonders if she might grow impatient. He takes a breath, and he starts again, his question coming haltingly.]

Do you-- do you think, if something happened and you disappeared, people will miss you? Like Charlie... or that commander, Commander Shepard, you talked about before?

[ Tough question. Because disappearance is--should be her default state of being. Barely anyone should even know that she exists. But that's not the case, here, is it? "No," is the answer at the tip of her tongue when she hears his question, but then. "Like Charlie," he says. And Shep.

Would they actually miss her?

Why would they?

Maybe. But if that's the case, well. They shouldn't. She knows that's not the kind of answer you tell a younger person, though, so instead she deflects with humor. She is very good at that. ]

It's not nice to ask a lady if people would miss her if she's gone, Ken-kun.

I know people would miss you if you were gone, though.

[ That's where this was going, right? ]

[She sees right through him and he falls silent again, knowing she's got him. That was where he was going for. He can't deny that. He made it pretty obvious, after all. She didn't answer his question but he didn't necessarily need it; all he needed was a lead-in, to ask, because he's afraid of being silent about things anymore.]

... I know, [he says at last, quietly and defeated. Because he knows. They would, and that's what hurts the most.] And I wish I never-- I feel like I shouldn't have let it get that far.

Ken-kun... We need to talk.

[ That's Kasumi's cue to stop in her tracks. She spares him a concerned look, visible from Ken's point of view even as her hood hangs low, casting a shadow on her eyes. Ice cream can wait, she thinks; they need to talk and they need to talk now, and after her silent expression of worry she begins to walk, again, hand-in-hand, towards a small park a few steps away, just a small, quiet refuge with trees, a bench, and flowers.

(This isn't the kind of thing you can talk about while eating ice cream, anyway.)

When they enter the place, she leads them to the bench. ]

Let's sit down, okay? Tell me what happened?

[He follows, quite obediently and quietly also, sitting once they reach the bench. When he sits back, his feet just barely reach the ground, only the toes of his shoes scuffing against the gravel beneath. He's frowning, but with the sun hitting the bench and warming him he's calmer than when they were walking, so none of that troubled look he had earlier is visible at the moment.

He sits, and he looks up at her, opening and closing his mouth quietly a few times as he searches for how to start, then he decides to just be honest. That was what he needed to be.]

It's... over, now. But Jaime-san said that I should talk to someone if I needed to, [he starts.] I've talked to people but it's been a little bit, and I still found myself thinking about it and I just--

[Breathe. Breathe, he tells himself. He inhales quickly, pauses, then exhales before he continues.]

Back home, before I arrived here, I-- I tried to kill someone.

[ She sits down beside him after he takes his seat, her body turned slightly so that he knows that she's listening and paying attention to every word he says, nodding along as he speaks. At the pause, she tilts her head, and then--well, that.

Kasumi is a dangerous person. She's never purposely let anyone who doesn't know about that part of her on to that, but it's a fact. She's a criminal, a damned good criminal, and then a part of Shepard's crew.

Which is to say, she has killed a fair number of people. Mercenaries, terrorists, evil aliens, the man who killed Keiji, synthesized zombie-humans, and it goes on. So when Ken says what he does, she's not exactly fazed. And she knows that Ken has got some fight in him, based on their first lengthy conversation with each other--he fights Shadows. It's not too far of a stretch to imagine he might fight people, too.

Still, just because she isn't entirely surprised doesn't mean she won't get worried, and worried she gets. After all, Ken is so young. ]

And what was your reason for doing that, Ken-kun?

In a single word? Revenge.

[Ken used to make efforts to make this as vague as possible. He couldn't let go of the belief that he was a terrible person, and he wanted to argue everybody who tried to tell him otherwise. But at the same time, he didn't want to out Shinjiro. But now, he's realizing that his silence was a mistake. Jaime told him to talk to people. Everyone else asked him to talk to them, or anybody. And he doesn't know who is right to talk to, or if he's just grasping for everyone desperately, but his chest had felt tight and he thought he was going to burst and Kasumi had come to mind. Maybe it was because she was, really, the only lady he talked to aside from his roommates, and outside of SEES he always associated comfort with his mother.

Maybe that was why. Or maybe he liked Kasumi more than he thought he did from their first conversation.]

Two years before, my mother got killed. It was during the Dark Hour, that time when Shadows come out. It took two years, but I found the person who was behind it.

[ Revenge. Kasumi knew that feeling all to well, better than she's ever let on to anyone, probably even to herself. When Shepard helped her get Keiji's graybox back, they had walked out with one less Donovan Hock in existence, and to this day Kasumi isn't sure if that was the way she had intended for things to go. Maybe they weren't supposed to get caught getting it back, but sooner or later the man would have realized the graybox was gone and that only one person would ever dare to get it back. Maybe they could have made their getaway more cleanly and avoided the big confrontation with Hock--but he would have chased her down to the ends of the galaxy until he got Keiji's graybox back, and then he would probably remove hers, too, so that he could finally decrypt the data in Keiji's. The key, after all, is laced within Kasumi's memories of him.

Maybe she could have gone without exploding Hock's gunship into a fiery ball.

But damn, did it feel good.

So the difference between herself and Ken, among other things, is that he tried to kill someone for revenge. She has killed someone--whether or not it was really purposeful or merely an act of self-defense hardly mattered at the rush Kasumi felt, watching Hock's gunship go down in flames. Ken--Ken ostensibly did not succeed at his revenge, but that's quite alright with Kasumi. She doesn't know the details surrounding what happened, but she does know revenge hardly ever is the answer. When she got hers, it just merely happened that way. She'd just wanted to get all that was left of Keiji more than anything, more than any thought of wanting to get back at Hock. Besides, the man was a smugger and an arms dealer in all the wrong circles. (And just a big jerk.)

So she proceeds with her words with trepidation, trying to convey that she understands, but trying to hide just how much she understands. She falters, even just a little, because frankly it's breaking her heart to be having this conversation with such a young boy. Her words don't pass any form of judgment--that's the last thing he needs. Instead, they're just questions, ones that might help Ken open up so he doesn't feel the need to have to bottle anything up. ]

I'm so sorry about your mother, Ken. [ it only seemed fitting to drop the honorific for such a topic. ] What happened when you found the person?

He was a good person. A really, really good person.

[Because it was only an accident. Because Shinjiro never meant to hurt him or his mother. Because Shinjiro didn't walk away from it laughing that he got off scot free, but because it ruined his life as much as it ruined Ken's, too. Because Shinjiro came back to SEES once he heard Ken was there, and he's the reason Ken is still alive, in Iwatodai.]

When I confronted him, we ran into an enemy. When that guy tried to kill me, he took the bullet while protecting me. It just feels so... My friends tell me that I should live, that if I die-- I guess I'd be wasting their lives if I did, wouldn't I?

Oh, Ken...

[ This? This is breaking Kasumi's heart. For such a someone so young to hold so much of a burden--it's upsetting, and it takes a lot out of her to not just give him a hug there and then, because something stops her, holds her back, tells her no, Kasumi, this is not a thing that you do.

What she does do is listen, and when he's finished talking, she reaches over and gives him a gentle pat on the head. That, at the very least, she can do. ]

Not just that, you know. You should live because you deserve to, Ken-kun. Don't forget that.

[How can he? He looks at her, eyes round, mouth closed as he bites back the question. How can he forget? People said that all the time, and he still doesn't understand. What did he to deserve to live? If there's a reason for him to be alive, then what is it? Is he ever supposed to find out?]

I don't know about deserving to, or being supposed to, or anything like that. That's what everyone says... but that's not a real answer. But it's not fair to expect an answer from someone else about something like this.

[ She heaves a little sigh at his response, and her hand slips away from his head, instead skirting the edge of her hood with her fingers (a little restless tick of hers, it seems). It would be easy to say something like, Everyone deserves to live, Ken--

But how could she say that when she's killed countless people?

She purses her lips, then, searching for an answer. He's right; it's not a real answer. ]

Maybe there isn't one. A real answer, I mean.

semi-closed;

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