Ken Kaneki (金木 研) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
enucleation) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
maskormenacelogs2015-03-01 08:22 am
enucleation) wrote in maskormenacelogs2015-03-01 08:22 am
[ Open ]
WHO: Kaneki + Open
WHERE: Heropa, Nonah, Maurtia falls, De chima
WHEN: March 1st to March 15th
WHAT: Find Kaneki on the street because he won't tell you he is here otherwise
WARNINGS: Canon spoilers, mentions of violence, gore and cannibalism
[ His arrival back in this world was smoother than he expected. The government told him he was not going to prison for what he did, but due to his violent acts --even if he wasn't in his right mind and was being "controlled" by Hornets-- he had to be put on probation. He was requested to wear an ankle monitoring bracelet for a month and he will have to report to a Registered imPort who will act as his parole officer; the tattoo in his arm now says "criminal" and will remain so for a month. And during all of this, not once Kaneki argued or complained. He nodded and accepted every decision the government made about this situation, and at the end all he did was ask if he still had access to De Chima labs --they said 'yes' because it was necessary-- and requested to now live in De Chima --request accepted-- and that was it.
That's how he returned to this world.
He left an entry over the network, and went to his new place. he is not sure how to address others just yet, but he knows he has to apologize, though you can't really apologize for something like that, not so lightly. He will focus on what he can while he decides the best course of action: the Hornets, the Porter, he will focus on keeping his place in this world, that has been threatened so many times already, and he will protect everyone. He will find what is the better way to do that, since experience told him he can't just do everything blindly. He needs to think.
He will figure it out. ]
HEROPA : Bookstore
[ Even though Kaneki is no longer living in Heropa, he still walks around the city quite often. It's a way to make sure everything and everyone are safe and in case something happens, he will be there to help and protect the people he cares about. He is now working at De Chima bookstore, but he decides to drop by his old workplace; here, only few days passed after he was sent back to his world, but back home it was over 6 months.
He smiles politely at his ex-boss as he comments on the white hair, and he smiles kindly at the man. He also apologizes for leaving and apologizes for no longer working there. With a small bow, he buys three new books and an extra fourth is given to him for free. When he finally leaves the bookstore, he looks around for a second and decides to take off his eyepatch; white hair and black clothes made him pretty weird already, but he figured it was better to avoid looking THAT weird with an eyepatch too. ]
NONAH : Coffee shop
[ He never actually been to Nonah before. It's funny because he was 6 months in this world before, and he never found an excuse to go to Nonah and visit the city. Right now he is only doing so because he wants to know the city, the layout, to see the people, the natives, the imPorts and their locations. He is scouting, that's the only reason he is there. Annie and Reiner live there, so it's important for him to know the place and in case something happens, he can navigate through it.
After a whole morning of walking around, he eventually comes to a coffee shop - a petite and quiet one - and asks for their "best coffee, no sugar, no cream, just coffee". And he eventually sits by the window, looking outside. Doing this sort of things... drinking coffee at a coffee shop, taking a moment to look around without searching for an enemy... it has been a while. ]
MAURTIA FALLS : Streets
[ This was the second city Kaneki was set on getting to know. Like Nonah, he has never been there, but like Nonah, he needs to get to know it in case anything happens. Scouting, learning the layout, learning what you may need to face. If anything happens and he needs to go to this small city again, he will know the place easily. He is also interested in the rumored underground scene going on; these are usually good for information, but given Kaneki is currently a "Criminal" and under Government's observation he knows he can't approach it just yet.
He is carrying his eyepatch today, plus the black clothing and the white hair help a lot for people in this town not to be so suspicious of him. The ankle monitor also brought enough attention, too, but Kaneki politely asks them to go away -with a smile and everything!- as he grabs his cup of coffee and sits down at a public bench to drink it.
This is a really interesting place, actually. Ghouls would probably find it "homy" ]
HEROPA/DE CHIMA : Moving from a city to another
[ Now that he lives in De Chima, he will have to move there. It means going to his old apartment in Heropa and get his things and move them to a different city. At least Kaneki doesn't have much house utensils and necessities, but he has a lot of books and carrying those can be a feat. At least he has super strength and he isn't going to hide that anymore; in his hands, he carries bags full of books, some clothes, some other accessories like coffee.
He can be found carrying his items from Heropa Individual Housing back to De Chima Individual Housing, since it's where he will live from then on. ]
CLOSED : Will Graham
[ Kaneki was assigned Will Graham as his parole officer; he is to report to him and the man already has files on what Kaneki is, thus he doesn't expect having to explain it to him. Hopefully. Though he has a feeling questions and conversations will be had. In any case, Kaneki decides to visit him the second he can.
At least he doesn't bring cupcakes this time.
Kaneki is wearing black, and if Will remembers a gentle black haired kid who smiled and looked too naive for this world, he will now meet a white haired Kaneki who still wears an eyepatch and looks far too tired (and sad). He is still smiling, though. Once he arrives to Will's shop, "Hook, line, & tinker", the first thing he notices is the dog, but after he looks around ] Excuse me...?
WHERE: Heropa, Nonah, Maurtia falls, De chima
WHEN: March 1st to March 15th
WHAT: Find Kaneki on the street because he won't tell you he is here otherwise
WARNINGS: Canon spoilers, mentions of violence, gore and cannibalism
[ His arrival back in this world was smoother than he expected. The government told him he was not going to prison for what he did, but due to his violent acts --even if he wasn't in his right mind and was being "controlled" by Hornets-- he had to be put on probation. He was requested to wear an ankle monitoring bracelet for a month and he will have to report to a Registered imPort who will act as his parole officer; the tattoo in his arm now says "criminal" and will remain so for a month. And during all of this, not once Kaneki argued or complained. He nodded and accepted every decision the government made about this situation, and at the end all he did was ask if he still had access to De Chima labs --they said 'yes' because it was necessary-- and requested to now live in De Chima --request accepted-- and that was it.
That's how he returned to this world.
He left an entry over the network, and went to his new place. he is not sure how to address others just yet, but he knows he has to apologize, though you can't really apologize for something like that, not so lightly. He will focus on what he can while he decides the best course of action: the Hornets, the Porter, he will focus on keeping his place in this world, that has been threatened so many times already, and he will protect everyone. He will find what is the better way to do that, since experience told him he can't just do everything blindly. He needs to think.
He will figure it out. ]
HEROPA : Bookstore
He smiles politely at his ex-boss as he comments on the white hair, and he smiles kindly at the man. He also apologizes for leaving and apologizes for no longer working there. With a small bow, he buys three new books and an extra fourth is given to him for free. When he finally leaves the bookstore, he looks around for a second and decides to take off his eyepatch; white hair and black clothes made him pretty weird already, but he figured it was better to avoid looking THAT weird with an eyepatch too. ]
NONAH : Coffee shop
After a whole morning of walking around, he eventually comes to a coffee shop - a petite and quiet one - and asks for their "best coffee, no sugar, no cream, just coffee". And he eventually sits by the window, looking outside. Doing this sort of things... drinking coffee at a coffee shop, taking a moment to look around without searching for an enemy... it has been a while. ]
MAURTIA FALLS : Streets
He is carrying his eyepatch today, plus the black clothing and the white hair help a lot for people in this town not to be so suspicious of him. The ankle monitor also brought enough attention, too, but Kaneki politely asks them to go away -with a smile and everything!- as he grabs his cup of coffee and sits down at a public bench to drink it.
This is a really interesting place, actually. Ghouls would probably find it "homy" ]
HEROPA/DE CHIMA : Moving from a city to another
He can be found carrying his items from Heropa Individual Housing back to De Chima Individual Housing, since it's where he will live from then on. ]
CLOSED : Will Graham
At least he doesn't bring cupcakes this time.
Kaneki is wearing black, and if Will remembers a gentle black haired kid who smiled and looked too naive for this world, he will now meet a white haired Kaneki who still wears an eyepatch and looks far too tired (and sad). He is still smiling, though. Once he arrives to Will's shop, "Hook, line, & tinker", the first thing he notices is the dog, but after he looks around ] Excuse me...?
HEROPA : Bookstore (14th)
And for the most part, it was. He was adjusting as well as anyone could expect. He was moving forward and trying hard not to look behind and linger on the past.
But he hadn't forgotten. Couldn't forget...
In fact, with each passing day, with still no sign of Kaneki reviving and returning the way imPorts were said to be able to do...it was getting harder to be optimistic. And the harder it got to be optimistic, the more Josuke felt compelled to fill up his days with doing stuff. Literally anything he could think of to do: working; gambling; playing video games; watching movies; playing with Jonathan's dog and hanging out with family; studying extra hard; and spending extra hard, too.
It was the latter that brought him to the bookstore, and after picking out a Prince biography and taking it to the counter he couldn't hurry the cashier fast enough because...
...because that back retreating out the door? He's pretty sure he recognizes it. Is pretty sure he heard the clerk call the guy Ken, too. Sure, the hair's all wrong, but he's seen people change appearances before.
And no sooner is that book paid for that he's rushing out and laying a hand down on the person's shoulder to get their attention. A shoulder that's...not as small as he remembers Kaneki's being. But his mind's never been the sort to play tricks on him. Especially not like this...]
Kaneki? ...that you?
no subject
But when he realizes who it is, his eye goes wide. He hasn't been actively avoiding people (if he was, no one would ever see him) but he has also decided not to contact anyone just yet as he gathered his thoughts. He KNOWS Josuke saw it, and he knows Josuke was pissed off at what Suzuya did; but he also knows Josuke needs to know the truth and Kaneki still wasn't sure how to tell him the truth.
Well. not that it was a secret. Between Suzuya's post and the file leak, he certainly figured it out but it's not fair if Kaneki doesn't tell him with his own mouth.
The surprised expression Kaneki has on his face vanishes soon and is replaced with an apologetic and tired smile ]
Josuke-
Hello. [ such a simple thing to say after everything. Kaneki knows it's not fair. ]
no subject
Josuke wants to...yell. To punch him. To hug him. To laugh...to cry.
In all seriousness, the sudden assault of feelings churning within him is more nauseating than Kaneki's coffee was that day in the library. It also empties his head of everything he wanted to say, so that when he finally speaks? Perhaps the stupidest thing he could possibly mutter is what slips out.]
You look...different.
[Good? Bad? Josuke's not sure. Different encompasses the whole rather perfectly. But it's still so stupid sounding given how obvious an observation it is.
He scrambles for more words after that, floundering for anything like some kind of fish out of water.]
I mean...hey. I didn't know you were...you know. Back.
[Clearly continuing his stream of obvious and stupid statements, which is just frustrating him the more he tries to think of something worthwhile to say. But there's nothing. Just a tongue in a tangle and a brain frazzled by this unexpected encounter.
Which is probably why he finally thinks to himself, Ah hell...and goes for it. Just throws his arms around Ken. Tightly. Not gonna cry, though. Nope. That kind of embarrassing behavior's reserved for his family's eyes only. And really, this is enough, isn't it? Maybe even too much. But it can't be helped—it can't. Because he's got no words for how glad he is to see his friend again. How angry he is at the fucking bastard who took him away, how irritated he is that Ken didn't call him or...or something. But he gets it, somewhere in the back of his mind, somewhere deep down, he gets it. None of this is easy. Not for anyone.]
no subject
He is so sorry for all the other had to witness, he is so sorry that he didn't say anything up until now, and let Josuke believe he was dead. But there is so much, so much Kaneki wants to say and it's also hard for him to say.
The sudden hug surprises Kaneki, but he doesn't pull away. Josuke might be used to a small petite Ken, but this one has muscles and even if he is still small, his body became hard, rough, a bit like his personality at times. For 6 months, Kaneki has been training like crazy, after all. But after a second or two, he rises his hands and wraps them around the other too,, hugging him back because he did miss him a lot. SO much. Words are hard and Kaneki has become difficult in many ways, but one thing is certain: he became thirsty for the people he cares about. Thirsty that they are okay, that he can see them, that he can have small moments like this.
And even if Josuke doesn't know what to say, kaneki decides to be the one to start this. It's his responsibility to ]
I'm sorry, Josuke. I'm sorry I didn't contact you when I arrived - I know it's unfair of me, but I wasn't sure how to... address everything. [ he had to gather his thoughts. ]
no subject
And they're things he appreciates now more than ever before, because they help stop tears that want to run, and help him collect his thoughts behind closed eyes.]
I get it.
[He does. Or thinks he does. Everything that happened, it can't be easy for Kaneki to address. The murder, the reason behind it, the file leak...
Which reminds Josuke of the accusations. That Kaneki had attacked people. This person right here, the one he's holding. Makes him want to laugh. The kind of laugh that's born from hideous denial. But there's a truth to those rumors, isn't there? There's gotta be. The things said about Annie were true. Of course, despite being true, Josuke still considered her a friend, and he still...no, he's never thought of Ken as anything but a friend. Even now.
He squeezes tighter for a moment...and then lets go. Scrubs a hand across his face to make sure there are no damp trails, and there aren't. But he's definitely got a case of the sniffles. Give him...a second. To blink back the faint tinge of burning. To swallow his nerves.]
Doesn't mean I'm not pissed about it, but...I get it. There's a lot to be said.
[The hard look he fixes Kaneki with isn't unfriendly, just...demanding. Wanting answers. Wanting the truth. He deserves that much, doesn't he?]
I'm glad you're back, man...you've got no idea. But...I wanna know what the deal is. What kind of shit you got yourself into.
[And because he's still a little naive in wanting to think the best of his friend...]
...if you're in some kind of trouble, you know I'll help, right?
no subject
When Josuke pulls away , the smile on Kaneki's lips is smaller, tired, but never less gentle. he watches the other, allows him to speak. It's alright to be mad at him, Josuke has the right to, and Kaneki understands him. But Josuke is also lucky in a way; if Kaneki had been brought few days earlier from his world, the chances of even speaking to Ken would be dropped to minimum. Right now, Kaneki has allowed people to come to him (even if he isn't actively searching for them yet) because last day before he was brought back to his world, he has realized a lot about himself.
He can't tell others about it. He can't tell Josuke he was tortured to extremes, to the point his hair turned white and he had to become something more and throw away his humanity in order to survive it. He can't tell him that for the past 6 months he has been cannibalizing his own kind, eating and killing ghouls, plucking out and eradicating anyone who was a threat to kaneki's friends. He can't tell him that he pushed EVERYONE away, everyone important to him in order to protect them. He can't tell him he forgot what was like to enjoy books. He can't tell him sometimes he hears and sees things that aren't there.
He can't tell him any of that, but he can tell him the beginning. When he was still human.
And he will start with this: ]
All of it is true.
[ it's not what Josuke wants to hear, he knows.
Finally Kaneki's smile disappears and he looks away for a moment. Even after everything, there is still something about having to break his friend's trust
and sanity. he is a ghoul now, and it's not something he hides, not after the file leak and Suzuya's post; but Josuke truly wants to believe Kaneki is nothing they said and here he is now, breaking that fantasy to pieces ]I know this is not what you want to hear, but if you allow me, I will try to explain it in my own words.
no subject
But he's always been someone who wears his heart on his sleeve (or lapel, if you'd prefer). The people he cares about tend to know he cares because he's open. He may have odd ways of showing it at times, but no one is ever left wondering. And it's no different now. He's emotional, but he's a long way from losing his cool...and he's definitely nowhere near ready to turn Kaneki away for what he is, what he's been through, or what he's done.
Because, whether Ken realizes it or not, Josuke's not just physically strong. He's strong in heart and spirit, too. Not unconquerable by any means, but damn well formidable.
Kaneki could tell him all those things and if Josuke batted an eye at all, it'd just be due to the fact that he was...only finding out now. The same way he blinks when Ken says this isn't what he wants to hear, because the truth is...]
I wouldn't be standing here if I didn't wanna hear it. I don't gotta like it, but that's never been the point. The point is, you're my friend...and that means something to me. Something more than keeping secrets and hiding shit and thinking I can't handle myself when it comes to what you gotta say. Because I can handle it, Kaneki.
[He might get angry. He might break something later on when he's on his own, or even here if he's really gotta blow off steam, but that doesn't mean he can't take it.]
Whatever you gotta say...I wanna hear it. But maybe this place isn't the best for that?
no subject
Kaneki watches him for a moment, before he turns his head and starts walking, expecting Josuke to follow, of course - he will glance over his shoulder and move his head with a "follow me" motion. Kaneki took the eyepatch moments ago, but in fact he moves to put it back on, not thinking much on why - in a way, he feels more comfortable with his ghoul eye hidden like that. ]
My files were leaked to the media - it no longer matters if others find out. [ but in truth, he'd rather keep this conversation to Josuke's ears only. And that's why he has agreed to move, heading towards the park iddly to find a good spot. And as they walk, kaneki prefers to know how Josuke has been ]
How have you been, since we last met? [ when was it?... 6... nearly 7 months ago. it's funny, because when Kaneki was returned to his world, he didn't remember anyone here, he didn't remember Josuke. But once he returned and realized he spent six months without seeing or talking to him... well, he missed him.
And the whole time jumps sound so silly and complicated, but it's true. he really did miss Josuke. And his silly hair. Which no longer looks that silly now that Ken is used to it. ]
no subject
What is it Giorno says? Muda muda muda. Useless useless useless. Yeah, that's—that's how he starts feeling when there's nothing he can do.
When Kaneki places that eyepatch back on, yet again shutting him out.
That's the hardest thing. Standing this close and feeling like he's still worlds apart. Like Kaneki is and maybe always will be unwilling to let him help.]
How've I been?
[He follows along easily, longer legs keeping stride without any extra effort on his part.]
Some days better than others. [And that's the truth. Some days his smiles aren't that forced. He enjoys the fun things he gets to do with others. Gets to enjoy being a teen, having only to whine about work and classes and maybe how expensive that new line of shoes is at the mall that he wants. But that's around other people. And only those who know him really well would have any idea at how much he's still bristling inside. Ticking away and ready to explode. Because since that day he's...had no resolution. That fucker, Suzuya, he doesn't know what's happened to him or if he was caught or anything.] Most of the time I'm...
[He glances sidelong at Ken. The feeling's mutual. He's really missed the guy.]
...not sure what to do with myself, I guess.
no subject
Kaneki is still going through a lot of emotions, decisions. What to do, what to say, how to act. What he wants to do next. In his world, he was required to be strong, eat others and not be eaten, but here he will require another sort of strength. He is still placing pieces of puzzles together, and he isn't sure if he wants to bring other people into this, either, but one thing he has decided: he won't leave others completely in the dark, like he did during his 6 months in his world.
He hears Josuke, glancing at him. Kaneki's death hit him hard, and Ken can't even bring himself to be shocked over it. In fact, he even thanked his murder, but that's something he will p+perhaps mention later on, after he and Josuke had a serious talk about what sort of being kaneki is and what sort of thing that implies. Besides cannibalism, that is.
he would apologize, but he feels like it's very empty. He IS sorry that his death hit Josuke this hard. He really is. ] Was it the first time you've lost someone? [ Kaneki has lost so many people by now, saw so much death. He is not cold towards it, the ones he cared for and died, he still sees their faces, it pains him, and he feels anger. But he has seen it before.
He decides to take back that question. it's a cruel one. ]
Josuke. I can't tell you to forget it, but I'm here. [ he is not gone. He is there, and he is not running from him. He won't leave.
Kaneki's hand reaches for Josuke's arm, touching his shoulder blade as he smiles at him. ]
no subject
He's lost people before. In fact, he's lost people to murder before. Maybe that means he should feel less strongly about it than he does, or at least be better able to guard what it is he feels, to keep others from seeing it? But for Josuke, that's not how it works. The more people he loses to senseless slaughter...
The angrier he gets about it.
Of course, the times before where murders had taken place, he'd been able to do something, to bring the killers to justice or at least...try. But here and now? There's nothing he can do. There's no outlet for those feelings within him, no real resolution to the problem at hand. Kaneki may be here with him now, but Suzuya's still out there, too. And the fact that Kaneki can smile at him like somehow that's all okay...?
Is really not alright at all.
Sighing, he shrugs off Kaneki's hand.]
Look, don't worry about me, I'm fine.
[After all, he's not even the one who was killed!]
I know you're here—and that means more to me than you know. [Ken's the first person he's lost who's ever come back to life. It might be normal in this place, this side of the Porter, but it's still some kind of miracle as far as Josuke's concerned. Because he's tried before. Tried to 'fix' death. And failed. So this? Ken standing there beside him, walking down the street with him? That's right up at the top of his list of the best damn things in the world right now. But it still doesn't solve anything.] It doesn't change what happened, though. It doesn't change the fact that I wasn't there.
[Even if he keeps telling himself there's literally no way he could have known to be there, he still keeps thinking if only he had been...]
And that bastard who attacked you? He's probably still running loose.
[Which really...just makes Josuke more worried for Kaneki.]
no subject
If you were there, I'd have tried to kill you. [ he says this very matter of fact, certain of what he is saying, not because he "knows his insanity" or anything like that, but because: ] Did you know I tried to gut my best friend? To pull his organs out with my own hand. I cut off another friend's leg and I ate it. I cut off some stranger's hand and I also ate it. [ perhaps he sounds cold, but Kaneki's smile is no longer there and his eye looks down at the ground he keeps following. The thought of what he did to others at that time disgust him beyond belief, but above all it saddens him terribly. All that happened, all that he did, it only leaves Kaneki to feel helpless by being unable to protect the people he cared about, but worse, to be the one to put them in danger.
Back then, he was so weak. So weak. ]
I do not agree with how Suzuya-san went about it. [ it was incredibly unnecessary to make a post like that ] But I had to be stopped Josuke. I wouldn't have stopped otherwise.
[ eat or be eaten.
Kaneki finally finds a place without people around, at the park. He will let Josuke speak if he wishes before he begins to explain, but he knows things will make a lot more sense once Kaneki gives Josuke the full picture. v]
no subject
The sound isn't one that's very humored, though.]
Oh, man...half the people I'm friends with have tried to kill me. [Isn't he such a great judge of character?!] You think that's gonna stop me from wanting to try and help you? Think again.
[As to the rest, what Kaneki's guilty of doing to others (even if one of those others is that asshole, Dorian, who probably had it coming) he is just...silent. Listening. Digesting (heh) those details. But it doesn't really mean much. He wasn't there to see it all happen, doesn't understand why it did. After all, before then, Ken wasn't a danger to anybody that Josuke knows of. So what happened to cause that fight between him and Suzuya in the first place?]
I'm not saying it's okay what you did...I'm not even gonna say you didn't need to be stopped. I don't know anything about what happened, you know? But I will say there's other ways to stop someone from killing. Without...killing them. That was as unnecessary as the way Suzuya handled it!
[There's no way you'll get him to see things differently, Kaneki. Josuke didn't even want to kill the psycho who'd blown up one of his friends, nearly blew up another and killed a kid along with countless of innocents and one really nice dog. There's no justice in that. Bloodshed begets more bloodshed, and endless cycles of killing are just...so utterly gross and pointless.
Anyway, once they're in an isolated area of the park, Josuke turns to face Kaneki. He worries his lower lip for a moment in thought...and then nods, deciding something.]
I wanna know why it happened...and if there's a chance it'll happen again.
no subject
Suzuya handled me the way any Ghoul Investigator handles ghouls in my world. He does not see what he did as wrong. I do not agree with him posting what he did to the network, nor I expect you to understand or forgive him. I don't either. [ he didn't have to put everyone through that. He really didn't. ] But no matter how much you argue, he will not change his position. Even if he is in a new world, different from our own, Suzuya will always see what he did as the correct thing to do.
[ also because suzuya isn't all there in the head, Kaneki knows that.
Kaneki eventually sits down, pulling out his eyepatch again. he will need to show Josuke his eye, he knows.
And it's fnny. he had this conversation with Annie, Reiner... Simon, Armin... but this time it will be completely different. he won't be crying, apologizing, freaking out. kaneki is quiet, speaks gently and softly, and though he looks so tired and so sad, only his eyes will show it. ]
In my world, there are humans and there are "ghouls". Their external anatomy resembles humans, to the point you can never tell who is what by just looking, but the biggest difference between the two species is that ghouls are carnivorous. We cna only subside on two things: human flesh or ghoul flesh.
[ or coffee, but that's not nutrients ]
Josuke, I do eat people. And I do eat ghouls. I am a cannibal. [ he hated that word, before. Now, it doesn't matter anymore. ]
no subject
[Not fair?]
...selfish.
[Because there's still suffering this way. It might not be Kaneki's friends who are physically harmed, but there are wounds that cut just as deep, hurt just as much—if not worse—and one of those types of wounds is being helpless to protect the people you love. It's unspeakably self-centered to put the people you claim to care about through that kind of torture.]
However Suzuya sees what he did...it's still wrong. Maybe it's the way shit gets handled where you guys come from, but the rules of my world? The rules of your world? The rules of any other world—none of them apply here. Because this world is different. There was a guy here recently, a vampire from my world who hurt a lot of my family, a lot of my friends, but you think that we could go after him here because of that? No. That's not how it works.
[He takes a seat next to Kaneki, but he doesn't look at him. Instead, fists clenching atop his knees, he stares at the ground. He thinks about what it means for Kaneki to be 'carnivorous' but that by itself isn't different from most any other human. 'Cannibalistic' however...
But is that something he can hold against Kaneki? No. Definitely not. Ken clearly doesn't enjoy what he is, probably never asked for it. And he believes Kaneki didn't mean to hurt any of the people he did. That has to count for something, especially given that it's...an isolated incident here.
Doesn't mean Josuke likes it, but he still accepts Kaneki for what he is. The way he accepts that Hazel is undead. The way he accepts that Annie apparently tried to eliminate the last of humanity in her world. These are things that are a part of his friends. For better or worse, he's not going to run away from that. It's take it or leave it—and he's taking it. Otherwise, what's the point?]
So how's it you get by here? I gotta say, I think the government would notice people going missing at an accelerated rate. They help out vampires, so...do they do something for you, too?
no subject
Things change though.
And Kaneki would tell Josuke that the world is wrong, and thus those in it are just as warped. But to say it out loud to someone like Josuke and specially at a time like this isn't right. He won't. But he will listen to his words.
It's not how it works. But the world is wrong. And there will always be wrong things happening. THAT is how the world works. That's why you eat or you will be eaten. ]
The government provides me with bodies donated to science but didn't meet the requirements. Because I'm an imPort, I'm part of the scientific umbrella. [ kaneki is actually planning on trying to get his food from another place. cemeteries, crematories, hospital morgues... He doesn't want to depend on the government for that because it always felt like they could do everything their wanted with him if they ever used the excuse "we will take your food source away". In fact, they told him he could only have the bodies if he registered.
They didn't think that Kaneki could refuse and go on a hunger frenzy.
That's how they handled it. And He no longer finds it acceptable. ]
I used to be human. The accident I told you about, the girl I was on a date with - she was a ghoul and she tried to eat me at the end of our date. Someone murdered her and at the hospital, Dr- Kanou transfered Rize's ghoul organs onto me. When I woke up, I could no longer eat any food, I was starving and everything tasted terrible. I was turned into an artificial half-ghoul and I didn't have a say in it.
no subject
These days, that realization is what serves to steel his heart, to make his resolution stronger. Killing...will forever be a last resort. Even when face-to-face with someone who'd gladly take his life.
Or when sitting next to someone who simply has the ability to do so.]
Science umbrella...? [...] When you put it that way...
[Josuke shakes his head.
There's no doubting it—how complicated things must be for Kaneki. And then Ken tells Josuke the truth about that date and the younger teen's eyes widen a little. At having been lied to. Though he gets why. And also the nature of that truth. How frightening it must have been to go through that.
And suspicions confirmed—Kaneki didn't ask for any of it. Of course he didn't. ]
So...the transplant...was that deliberate, then? Or was it purely an accident that you wound up with ghoul organs?
[He finally looks at Kaneki, but despite all the differences—the change in build, the different color hair, that strange eye—he's not staring. He's just looking at his friend. Trying his best to...to understand all of this.
Though that bit about food...it's starting to make sense. Josuke can't recall having ever seen Kaneki eat anything. He'd only ever seen him down coffee. Really...really nasty coffee.
...what's the deal with that?]
no subject
Kaneki doesn't look back at Josuke ] Dr. Kanou... [ wait, no. There is so much Kaneki knows but there is a lot he can't really tell. Not because it's a secret, but because he simply doesn't know either. ] He knew what he was doing. He is a fucking psycho. [ it's probably the first time Josuke has heard Kaneki curse. What happened back at Kanou's lab and the things he heard Kanou say and the things he has been doing, there is no other way to describe the man as completely out of his mind.
But Dr. kanou is not important to Josuke right now. What Kaneki needs to tell the other it's about what he is, not the battles he is fighting ]
A ghoul cannot digest nutrients that didn't come from ghouls or humans. And in exchange for that, they are given pleasure at each bite of human flesh. It's difficult to explain this, but to a ghoul, that feels better than anything I have ever experienced as human. [ so it wouldn't be a surprise to Josuke to learn that some ghouls drown themselves in "food" ] But if a ghoul decides to starve themselves, hell follows. A ghoul's hunger feels worse than anything I have ever experienced as human.
With all of that, it's no wonder that a ghoul can go on hunger frenzy and hunger-driven psychosis. [ he finally looks back at Josuke ] That's what happened that day.
I had been starving myself for a month and with the Hornet's attack, I lost it.
no subject
But it makes Josuke wonder how many other people were in on it, and what the purpose behind that kind of operation even was. Did they have something specific planned for Kaneki?
He's on the verge of asking when Kaneki begins telling him about the pleasure of eating ghouls experience. All that's left for Josuke to do then is bite his tongue and pay attention. After all, it's a lot to take in.
He doesn't think he can even imagine what Kaneki was going through at that time. He's never starved himself, even if he's felt varying degrees of pain. The only thing that's ever made him lose his cool is the loss of a loved one or...an insult to his hair. Which might sound stupid, but there's a deep and personal meaning behind it, a reason close to Josuke's heart for why he doesn't easily forgive people trash talking his do.
But none of that compares to the hollow agony of starvation, he thinks. And to have endured that for an entire month?
...Ken was a lot stronger then than Josuke ever knew.]
I don't wanna ask, but...I gotta.
[The look he gives Kaneki isn't one of dread or suspicion. It's just...sad. Josuke thinks his friend deserves so much better than this.]
What're you gonna eat now to keep that from happening again? You can't...
[...go around killing people.]
...you gotta be careful. Whether you want your friends to get dragged into it or not, the fact is you got friends now who care a lot about you. And one way or the other, now...they're involved.
no subject
Kaneki was so naive not to realize it.
However, Kaneki does not consider his "pure-self" (as he calls the Kaneki he left behind, the human one) strong. he considers him rather weak, because Kaneki WAS weak. he was shoved into an unknown world and had to learn how to deal, but there was so much he refused to deal with and that was his downfall. The starvation, dancing around with his hunger, all of it happened because Kaneki was too weak to accept that he had to eat regardless of his feelings about that matter.
There is much else, too. Too many painful things.
Kaneki was weak.
he is no longer weak, though.
At Josuke words he nods though ] I still have access to the bodies provided by the government. I will feed on those.
And I know that you are. And I know it's unfair to push you away. And I know I need you, and I can't do everything alone. [ he knows that. it took one of his friends beating him up for him to see it. ] I want to protect everyone. You, Annie, Hide, Touka, Reiner - I don't want anyone to die anymore and I don't want anyone to be hurt anymore. And for a while [ half year ] I took it all by myself, everyone's pain and what weighted them, while I pushed them all away, trying not to drag them into this.
I don't think i was right. ... [ he trails off. kaneki is looking at his hands, his black fingernails deformed by continuous torture. Inside his head he hears so many voices - Rize's, Yamori's... - and he hears something eating him away from the inside. He knows it's not really happening, but Kaneki idly reaches for his ear, and just for a second, it's as if his fingers are trying to pull something out of it, even though nothing comes.
His focus returns just as fast, as if he hadn't stopped at all ] I think i did a lot of things wrong, but now I know, I don't have to push everyone away like that. [ it doesn't mean he will tell everything, but he won't be disappearing, like he did back home ]
no subject
No one's gotta die, alright? No matter what happens...
[He shakes his head.]
...maybe you think what I'm asking is too much, and maybe it is, but hear me out. I've got this power—the power to 'fix' things, to 'restore' them—and I've got it for a reason. If you or anyone else is ever in a bind, all you ever gotta to is call me. I'll even try not to ask too many questions if you can agree to that.
[Try being the operative word, because Josuke is and always will be curious, almost to a fault.
For the time being, though, he really means what he's saying. He'll try and give Kaneki his space, his privacy, all the time he needs to continue sorting things out...just so long as he can give in exchange his word that if it gets bad, like...really bad. He won't try and do it all on his own again.]
We're pals. We gotta stick together.
no subject
But he listens to Josuke, glancing back at him. Listening his words bring a small smile to Kaneki's lips and even though he doesn't know what the future will bring here, he knows he can't do everything alone anymore, it's alright to do it together with others, too. Of course a lot of things still worry Kaneki - to bring humans into a ghoul world is not wise - but there is a lot they can still do and know without having to be involved in such a thing.
He nods ]
We are. I know.
[ however, he feels this is necessary ] Josuke. Ghouls are not all friendly, you realize. Ghouls eat people, it's what they do, and it's not uncommon for a ghoul to be completely messed up. While the ghoul world isn't just terror and eating each other and while there is much beauty in it, it is dangerous. It's cruel. And there are terrible things happening in it. [ human slaves, killing people in front of their own children, killing each other for territories or simply because they are bored, the Aogiri tree which wishes to take over Earth, ghoul restaurants which their turn into a hunt. ]
Humans fear ghouls and humans see ghouls as things to be exterminated. Suzuya-san- [ sure, Josuke might not want to talk about him, but he has to ] Was taught exactly that. He has probably seen even more terrible things that ghouls do than you can even imagine.
I'm not saying that he was right for the way he did what he did. But he will never see it as "wrong". [ and in truth, it was necessary ]
no subject
You think the 'human world' is any different?
[He could get angry at the implication that he doesn't know any better, but instead...he's just going to get serious. Maybe even grim, which isn't commonly seen for someone with his disposition, but if showing that side is what it takes for Kaneki to realize he's not some dumb kid, then that's what he'll do.]
People aren't all friendly, I'm not sure why you gotta sit there and separate them by human and ghoul. The world's an unfriendly place by default, that's just how it is—but the only horror that really exists is what we make for ourselves and others. Species doesn't really matter.
In fact, that's probably the most glaring but also insignificant difference of them all...
[He stands, needing to—to do something with himself. His hands, his feet, to move so that the frustration he's feeling, that's beginning to build up again, doesn't overflow.]
I've seen...things. People who've been mutated, people who've been used by their own families and treated like expendable objects, and I've seen people who've been blown apart or fused together with others and stored like food. So don't try and spare me, okay? Because what you're telling me, it's really not a whole lot different from what I already know.
So don't tell me what I can and can't imagine.
[He might be fortunate for not having been exposed to an abundance of the world's horrors, but he still knows what's out there. All those things that ghouls do, humans do also.]
As for Suzuya...I really don't care what he thinks is wrong or right, and I don't care about 'teaching' him. I care about seeing him caught and kept from hurting others again. [Which brings him around to...] Why the hell you gotta be so formal when talking about him, anyway? It's not like he's earned it. Don't tell me you're...really that grateful?
no subject
[ as someone who has lived in both worlds? Yes. Yes, it is. ]
Josuke, a ghoul needs at least to feed a body a month in order to survive. This means in one year, a ghoul eats 12 people. [ he looks down at his own fingers, cold and rough, and thick black fingernails ] After 16 years, a ghoul has eaten over 150 people. And I'm being generous, there aren't many ghouls who only eat the minimum amount. Regardless, ghouls walk their lives on top of human remains. How do you think they see life when this is how they live? To them, you are are "fish", "steak", "rice", "soup". But, while you'd never eat an animal who can talk to you, ghouls do. In fact, many find pleasure that humans can talk-
[ he looks back at Josuke, and his thumb captures his own middle finger and cracks it. A loud "pop" can be heard. ] -it means they can hear them beg for their lives. [ kaneki has killed so many ghouls who think like that he has lost count. And he has eaten all of them. And it's funny, because he too likes to hear them beg.
there is a loud noise inside Kaneki's head. he can't focus on it, or he will forget what he is saying, but there is a weird pause. ] It's alright if you don't see the difference. It's good.
it means you haven't lived it. [ And that's why it's so difficult for Josuke or Hide or Touka to see and understand why Kaneki is honestly not angry at Suzuya, why he isn't going after him and try to murder the guy as revenge. In fact, Kaneki DID thank him. ] I prefer that. [ he looks away again, thoughtful. Why to address him so politely? Well, Ken is still very polite even if messed up in the head ]
I don't think the existence of Ghoul Investigators like Suzuya is wrong. You see, it's a warped world and so people in it become warped too. [ eat or be eaten. Is it wrong for a person to eat their enemies before they eat them, and is it wrong for the enemy to hold the same thought? ]
The me that Suzuya-san knows is a danger. That's all he knows and that's all he saw. [ when he met Kaneki in their world... how insane was he at the time? Kaneki remembers he nearly killed one of his friends, the ones he wanted to protect, with all that insanity. And the kaneki Suzuya killed last month? It was exactly the same.
He was not wrong for killing Kaneki.
he looks back at Josuke, a sad smile across his lips. Sad because he knows this for sure: ] I did nearly kill my best friend, Josuke. And I ate the leg of another. And lucky me Hazel doesn't die, or she'd be dead.
If I had killed any of them then, I don't think I could have taken it. [ and Kaneki can take so much. He really can - but not that. ]
no subject
But that doesn't mean Josuke is incapable of becoming angry with him. It doesn't even mean he's unwilling to throw a punch when it's necessary—or when his emotions get the better of him.
As they do now.
It only takes Hazel's name. Josuke pivots, and before even he's realized what he's doing, he's slammed a tightly balled fist into the side of Kaneki's face. If it should hurt, it doesn't. But it doesn't because right now all he can think about is how yet another of his friends was in danger and yet again he didn't fucking know about it.
And it just so happened to be the one he had the weirdest hangup over, because Hazel's the one person he CANNOT heal. She's already dead. Any attempt at trying to restore her...just causes her a torturous amount of pain.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)