maskormenacelogs | hopeful hearts are moving targets [open]

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hopeful hearts are moving targets [open]

WHO: Armin Arlert and YOU.
WHERE: All over Heropa.
WHEN: 7/1 - 7/7 or so
WHAT: this loser going places doing things talking to people
WARNINGS: possible discussion of canon/spoilers, descriptions of anxiety/PTSD

7/1 - Tuesday Afternoon at the Library - Closed to Skye

[Armin doesn't know much about computers, and there's a lot to know. He has the basics down, at least, and can use google and Wikipedia like a seasoned pro. He even surfs all the messages from imPorts on his free time, attempting to learn more. But he could hardly be called an expert, especially considering most kids his age have grown up using it.

The woman set up her laptop and was using the Wi-Fi and technically it's against policy to bother people about that, even if they're vagrants just hoping to have a wank by streaming porn. Right to privacy laws are pretty restrictive. Still, Armin can't help but wonder what she's up to - glancing at a screen full of numbers that didn't seem like anything most people got up to here.

Couple that with the numerous complaints from other patrons that the bandwidth was all being used and he found himself wondering.

On his break, Armin sits himself down next to Skye, and says,] Hey. I won't kick you out of here for doing that if you'll show me how.

7/2 - Wednesday Afternoon at the Library - closed to Sansa

[Armin recognizes the red-haired girl from seeing her around on the network. At the time she'd been dressed as a noblewoman. Armin's own dislike for monarchy had made him hesitant to help her, even though, he assumed, she was probably as confused by this place as he'd been at first. After skimming those messages, he'd determine she wasn't in need of his help, as many imPorts offered her insights. He'd been struck at the time by how collected and capable she seemed, but promptly put it out of his mind. Armin had plenty of other things to worry about that month.

Still, she seems to be looking around, and Armin is an assistant to the librarians here. He approaches her and offers a polite smile.] Is there something you're looking for, miss?

7/3 - Thursday evening at the Mall - closed to Kotetsu

[It's just an ordinary day at a local shopping mall. Armin tries to avoid the crowds when he can, but he couldn't resist a rather impressive sale on skin care products he'd wanted to try. Plus, it would be better to get all of this sort of thing out of the way before the weekend and holiday hit, something he's very much not looking forward to. It still strikes him as ironic that anything involving a war or conflict would be celebrated by what sounded like artillery rounds, but there are some things Armin's made peace with not understanding.

He's in a fairly good mood as he heads out the door, when a loud, bright explosion of noise sounds off in the entryway he's headed out. Without a second thought, Armin hits the deck, diving behind a potted plant as some young men about his age set off a chain of firecrackers.

The smell of fire and gunpowder. A loud commotion, and people frightened. It's only for a few moments - and the boys are quickly chased out of the mall for their dangerous disruption - but Armin can't bring himself down from the spurt of adrenalin that's surged through him.

He's sick to his stomach, afraid, and can't think straight. He's shaking too badly even to get out his cell phone and call someone for help, so he just sits there, his hands over his ears. He dropped his bag, too, one of its bottles rolling slowly away.]

Saturday morning on the Bus - 7/5 - OPEN to the first reply

[It's early morning and already starting to get hot. Armin is reading a huge hardback volume he has to rest gently on the seat in front of him, his ears covered by headphones blasting something loud and guitar-heavy. He's perfectly contented in his own little world until the bus lurches to a stop, and a team of police officers swarm the bus, hauling off a screaming suspect in hand cuffs. A scene plays out on the side of the road as he struggles.

Armin glances to his cell phone for the time. It's too far for him to get to work on his own at this rate. Nothing left to do but hope things are resolved quickly. He pulls off his headphones, trying to hear what's going on a little better.]

What is going on....

Sunday - 7/5 - OTA

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE!

Monday Afternoon at an Indian Restaurant - 7/6 - CLOSED to Jean

[There's something about buffets that always both awe and depress Armin a little bit. So much food, freely available for cheap, and all of it delicious. It would be easy to eat oneself sick. But seeing the locals waddle over to the ice cream machine for yet another cup of vanilla mango swirl can put a damper on one's appetite. Still, Armin enjoys this place, happily situated between both the library and Jean's place of employment. Much of the cuisine from the continent of Asia avoid dairy, a boon for Armin's delicate stomach.

He's happy to see Jean - technically, he ambushed the guy and insisted on taking him to lunch - even if he's still getting used to spending time with his friends in these sort of contexts. There's something about the electric lights, the tinny, ever-present music that makes it all seem surreal. Armin sops up some curry with a corner of naan, glancing up at his friend.]

So. What have you been up to?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I've been trying to make up my mind about a few things.

[Aside from organizing a group to keep an eye on imPort events, that is, but that's old news by now. Jean pushes the meat around on his plate, choosing to ignore the other people there. The smell of Indian food is overwhelming, and the various spices are the same. That isn't to say he minds it, but he's choosing to "savor" it.

Still, he's probably made a couple remarks about how it has too much taste. This is Armin's fault, obviously. And sometimes Jean doesn't know what to keep to himself.]

And whether to talk to you about some of them. [He stabs a piece of meat with his fork, eyeing Armin to see if he can read his reaction.

The thing about Armin is that sometimes it's just not that easy for Jean. That makes him more frustrating, even if he's a good guy. (Or was. Sometimes, he wonders if it's a "was" these days.)]

[Armin only rolled his eyes about Jean's comments about the flavor. He \expected it and took him here anyway, after all. There's a prank someday waiting to happen involving hot sauce in Jean's future, truly, but Armin won't be the one to enact it. Probably.

Armin looks Jean in the eye, genuinely curious.]

Well, you can't say something like that and expect I'll let you keep me in the dark about it.

[There are a few directions that Jean can take this, knowing that Armin doesn't know what he's thinking about. He chooses not to take any of them. Being direct, being himself, definitely sounds like a benefit right about now.]

I spoke to Annie at the last swearing in. See, I've been thinking about it for a while. [It had been weeks since that happened.] I asked her about Marco. What do you think she said?

[Armin withdraws. Erwin would criticize him for showing his emotion so obviously. He breaks eye contact, he sits back further in his chair. His hands, which were languidly picking at his food, now reside directly in front of him, twisting up a napkin in fidgeting, worrying fingers.

He doesn't want to talk about Marco at all. He's a little angry, suddenly, as if Jean has invaded some personal space of his, which of course isn't a fair thing to feel. Marco was Jean's friend too, and surely it resonated him with more strongly. Armin is an orphan, Armin lost so much before training and then at Trost. How dare he feel sad about something as inevitable as losing a friend? He allowed whatever grief he felt over losing Marco as his friend to be almost overshadowed in his failure not to bring Annie to justice when he had the chance, as if his death had gone completely to waste because of his hesitance. And of course that's ridiculous, because there was never going to be any making sense of it, never any real reason. Still, it's easier to be angry at himself for his failings than it was to admit to himself how much missing him hurts. It's as though Jean's thrown open a door of a long-locked storage closet, and the dust and stale smell rushing out is making him sick.

If Armin were someone else, someone brash, he'd snap Don't fucking talk to me about him, or Why the hell would you ask her about that, but, he's not. He's Armin, and he tries to think of why Jean would ask him this.]

I'm guessing whatever it was came as a shock. What did she say?

What she said came as a shock, you know? What you told me before, you sounded so damn sure, so I didn't have any reason to doubt you.

[He moves the chicken around under his fork. Jean knows that he shouldn't be doing this to Armin, and he's always been under the impression that Armin cared for Marco a lot. They took care of their equipment together, anyway, while Jean had always tried to manage that stuff alone. He's had friends and comrades in his fellow trainees, but he isolated himself with some of his future plans. Even if Marco intended to follow the same path, he was so damn noble about it that it was nothing like Jean.

It was unrealistic. That's what it was.]

That isn't to say I can just trust it ... or trust her reaction, but it's not like she fucked around. Annie doesn't do that. She hadn't expected that I'd say that, that I'd suggest she'd kill Marco. I'm sure of it. What do you think that means?

[It's at this point that he makes sure to hold Armin's gaze.]

[Marco had a sort of gentleness of spirit, an innocence Armin hadn't experienced much of, as isolated as he'd been growing up in Shiganshina ~~with two murderchildren as his best and only friends~~. The fact that Marco accepted him in spite of his own royalist leanings, and was a thoughtful, straightforward person in a way that was pleasant and sincere rather than igniting conflict made their friendship come together almost effortlessly. Clocking in the hours, the person he probably spent the most time with aside from Eren and Mikasa was Reiner, but Marco was still special to him - maybe more so now, knowing Reiner's friendship was totally a lie. Marco was a smidgen of faith that the Military Police must contain some good people with good intentions, no matter what agenda some of them guarded.

Regret and shame flood Armin in equal amounts, and he swallows hard. There are tears in his eyes he refuses to acknowledge. He's too angry to let anything like that out at the moment, but when he tries to return Jean's gaze, the other boy is blurry.]

Bertholdt at the very least is still responsible for everyone that died in Trost, and the other two are definitely culpable. We know they've been working together, right? We've seen her kill others, it wasn't a stretch to believe she killed him too. Did she offer some reason why it wasn't her?

Edited 2014-07-03 06:00 (UTC)

I know that, Armin.

[He keeps his tone level, and he watches him, watches his reaction. All of it seems sincere, but it's possible that it's not. What is he supposed to trust here?

His hands lower out of sight and his fingers curl toward his palms, bunching up into fists. His lips twist downward, and he considers his next words. He's tense, but focused on being as blunt as possible. It's the sort of thing that someone wouldn't take well from him, but he can't bring himself to stop.

Jean's doubts about this have been eating him up. If he misread Armin all along, if he had been wrong about him ... he's not sure what to think. Even though he's already mentioned to Sasha that he doesn't entirely trust Armin, it's based on their goals and their movement forward and Jean's beliefs that they just don't align in their methods. But that's different.

Still, it comes out to the same place eventually, and it's important that they talk about this. He's decisive about it now.]

But even so, wouldn't you say that Commander Smith is responsible for a ton of lives, too? That's what I was telling Eren that day. All those people died. Countless numbers, and part of it was just because of the way things were prepared. After that, we were put through the gauntlet, and made to work closely with Commander Smith and Captain Levi. We're being prepared, and we're a part of their future plans. Who is more culpable? We always pretended that there wasn't some kind of human faction to this, but we're wrong now. It's on both sides. It's been on both sides all along, hasn't it?

[This isn't the conversation they should be having in a damn restaurant, and he knows they should leave, but he doesn't budge to do exactly that. Not yet.]

But to answer your question, Armin, she didn't have to say a whole lot. I don't know whether to believe her. But I don't know whether you told me you were sure to make sure I'd keep fighting, or if you actually thought so. That kind of motivational thinking ... it just runs too close to our Commander's, don't you think? [He pauses, looking away.] Former. Though the same methods are still being employed, so I don't suppose it matters, does it?

[Armin leans in, frowning.] You're making a bad face again, Jean.

[Armin seems a little bit calmer. He sniffs a little and sits back in his seat, pulling one knee up to his chest.]

I'm not going to start answering for Erwin and Levi on their behalf. If you have something to say to either of them, take it up with them. Maybe if I act as an intermediary Levi won't punch you in the face, but I can't promise you that.

Why are you so worried for what I turn out to be anyway, Jean? It's like you're hurrying to be disappointed. I've known pretty much my whole life what it's like to be someone easily discarded, but you're the only person who seems to think that I'd transform into the one who'd do the discarding without a second thought.

[Armin takes a deep breath, pressing his cheek to his knee.] As for what I said, about... about Marco. You're being self-centered as usual.

I'm not gonna say anything to them. I know where there are moments where I'm not supposed to say anything, no matter what I feel. This is one of them. That's why I'm telling you, and not them, but maybe you'll report it to them anyway. [It's not like he'd be surprised. Dissent within the ranks would cause problems, wouldn't it? But Jean wonders if that really matters here, considering everything.]

And I know it wouldn't be without a second thought, but I know you're capable of making those decisions. Maybe I'm afraid you'll become the type of person I can't count on. [He reaches for his water and sloshes it around within its glass container before it draws it to his mouth for a drink.

Without setting it back down afterward, he continues:] And would you accept that you were wrong? Does it mean the same thing to you that you might be? There are a lot of reasons why she might've saved us that day, and it might not have anything to do with us. I've thought of a lot of them ... I'm sure you have, too.

I won't report you. If I'm under orders, I can't promise I'll lie because that could make it worse if I'm found out, but I'll downplay what I can. Just try not to draw attention to yourself with your stupid, evil glares all the time.

[Armin lets go of his knee, shifting his weight.]

You keep going back to Annie. So she didn't kill us, and she might've had a reason. But doesn't that just mean if she had a reason, she would have? Are you so desperate to create conflict among your allies that you'd make a sympathetic character of her and an enemy of me?

I honestly don't know what I've done to offend your sensibilities this badly. If I lied about Marco, it was as much for my sake as it was for yours.

[Armin tries very hard to be stern when in reality, his eyes are growing moist again. The server comes by with a look of concern. Armin fishes out his wallet, handing them a twenty.]

Keep the change. We're leaving.

[Armin gets up to leave.]

You're not understanding me at all, Armin! [He does wait for the server to take the money and leave, at least, before he snaps that out, but his face hasn't become any less harsh. He stands up, hands balled into fists and he's slightly hunched over.] All the reasons I can come up with aren't good ones, but you had your reasons, too. Do you think I can just ignore the fact that you might have done something like that, knowing that your words weren't true?

[Jean trots out quickly from there, shoulders fallen forward as he exits from the buffet-style restaurant with a jingle because of the bell that hangs from the door. The moment Armin joins him outside, he pants out a sound and says:] I just want to know if I can trust you. There's no question about not trusting her, but you're smart, damnit. You had to know that there was a chance that it wasn't her all along.

[The Florida heat hits Armin like a wall. Even after two months, he's hardly used to it. He wears light clothes, light colors, and it still doesn't help how oppressive the sunshine feels. Armin takes a breath, squeezing his hands into fists at his sides for a brief moment. He takes a few steps so they're not blocking the door. He speaks only as loud as he needs to be for Jean to hear him.]

I can't say whether or not to trust me. Where you lay your trust is your decision, and I think to say "You should definitely trust me and I'm really sorry" at this point would be pretty self-serving.

I made a mistake saying that to you, obviously. I wanted to make sure you'd keep siding with me no matter what your doubts are. And I do think they're all responsible, so in my mind, it's not really a lie so much as it's twisting the truth. Which I'm sure you think is shitty, no matter what my intentions. So I'll try to take a broader view next time.

In the end, really, even if she sliced him open herself of course it isn't really her fault, right? Someone sent her on this mission, and someone put up the walls, and someone's been repressing knowledge of the outside world for a century, and on and on. Thinking like that, anyone might become paralyzed by inaction, and we can't simply wait for death to come to us.

Painting a target on her like that was unethical, but I don't doubt she and the other two must use similar excuses to turn on their friends.

[Armin crosses his arms, seeming to shrink a little.]

Do you think I enjoy being like this?

I don't need to hear hypothetical truths to keep fighting. Even if it seemed likely that we were gonna die out there, there was no point in which I wanted to give up ... even if I was thinking of myself. Of course I was. [Armin had already called him self-centered, so there's no point in saying otherwise. It's more that it's a reflection of what he's seen Armin change into, and he's worried about that. He doesn't want Armin to become more than dependable. He doesn't want him to make choices that lead others to their deaths.

That's what he's afraid of, and he doesn't know how to vocalize it more than he already has. Then again, he feels like he's slammed the hammer against it often enough.]

And maybe you don't, but maybe ... it's time to change. We have a choice now, don't we? To really decide what matters to us.

By your logic, I'm responsible for the squads that died protecting Eren in Trost.

[Armin finds the wall behind him, unconsciously clinging to it, fingers and palms pressed to the warm concrete.]

I already have that blood on my hands. If I stopped right now, if I quit to become a librarian, or a travel journalist, or who knows what else, it wouldn't change that. I put together a plan, and it was probably the best decision we could've made given the circumstances.

It's fine. [But with Jean pushing like this, Armin can't help but wonder, is this what I joined the Survey Corps to do? He lowers his chin a little, hoping his hair will hide his face, and the hint of more tears, from Jean's view.]

If I'm already that kind of person, I can go on being like that. Especially if it means you don't have to dirty your hands. I have to admit, it's an unpleasant feeling. I'd rather you not go through it.

I know right now things are fine, but I can't settle down. I can't help but feel like things are about to get bad, and I'll need to be that kind of person again soon. Every time I hear a noise I don't recognize, or a loud bang, or someone brushes too close. What you're talking about... starting over... I wouldn't even know where to begin.

You think I've got some idea? I'm not blaming you for every life that's been lost. What happened in Trost was different and you know that, it's different from what's happened otherwise, and what decisions we might need to make in the future. [Jean's referring to a wide range of things, but he isn't outlining all of them. He doesn't see any point to it.]

But when it comes to life here, I don't know where to begin. But I know how to choose what I don't want to do. I don't want to be protected from it, and I don't want you making choices based on what I'm not willing to do myself. That's just stupid, and the exact opposite of what I'm trying to say her. So why don't you listen to that? We can protect this world, and we can protect humanity in a way that's different from what we're being trained into back home. [Or attempted to be, at any rate. Jean is still very resistant to that.]

I know you'll protect me. You have. Keep doing it that way, rather than just because you think I'm against getting blood on my hands. You think that makes the blood any less visible for me? 'Cause it doesn't.

I'm sorry.

[Armin barely knows what he's apologizing for, he just thinks he probably should. His heart feels swollen, too big for the narrow cavity of his chest. He cannot make his voice work the way it wants, even though he is standing still against a wall he feels as though he is tumbling and squawking. He's upset by the implications of this, feeling cornered. Being what Erwin and Levi have expected means he will fall, perhaps forever forever, in Jean's sights. But he isn't confident that he can come up with solutions that aren't vicious. He is motivated by a very real fear of losing, but losing might not mean annihilation here. Whatever his reasons are back home, he should try to be gentler here.

Yet he's also... what? Proud? Happy? that Jean gives a damn about him enough to keep on with these lectures, because he works so hard at pretending he doesn't.]

I am listening.

[Armin does manage to look up at Jean, now.]

Promise.

... Good. [It's said decisively after a long stretch of silence, as he's not certain what to say. Jean doesn't want Armin to feel like he needs to become a monster to protect Jean's ideals. That's exactly what he's arguing against, and it's exactly what he's afraid of. He think it's wrong to view war as a thing where that's inevitable, and he wants to avoid it.

Maybe he has that wrong, but he doesn't think so. The way that Captain Levi and Commander Smith fight is what's wrong. They jump to ideas of harming others for a greater goal, and thinking that sacrificing lives is just a given.

And this has been escalating, and he wants things with his friends to be better. He wants to see eye to eye with Armin. Hell, he even knows that he does with Eren in some ways, even if that idiot is suicidal about how he goes about things. Still, his interests are in line with Jean's, and that matters.]

I don't think I've got anything else to add.

Maybe I'm not done.

[Armin is silent for a long moment, pulling himself up to stand more confidently, pushing his hair out of his face.]

You know I'm an orphan, right? When we evacuated Shiganshina, my grandfather looked after me, Eren and Mikasa. He was forced to take on the so-called mission to retake Wall Maria, and was not among the 200 who returned.

He knew he didn't stand a chance, but he was in no position to resist. He tried to seem brave for me.

I don't tell people this. I wouldn't say a word if I thought you could take this knowledge back home with you.

I couldn't do anything about him leaving, then. But I can do something now. If you think I don't think about the human cost with the same weight that you do, maybe you should try and imagine what it's like to be someone other than Jean Kirschtein, okay?

[Marco had called him selfish, but that it was his selfishness that had helped him and would help him in the future. It would allow him to see how badly people wanted to live, and it would allow him to fight for a good goal. While Marco hadn't been as close to Jean as he had been to others (namely Armin), the words had provided insight into Jean that Jean himself lacked. They were important, and they motivated him to ultimately join the Survey Corps.

In some ways, Marco's death had helped Jean realize his own mortality, and it helped him realize that he wasn't the only one alone in the world.

As a result, though, there is nothing about Armin's request that seems out of place. Jean cannot assure him that he would listen to it (that would be a false promise), but he does, after a moment, stiffly nod.]

I'll try.

[He doesn't know if he can accomplish it. Jean has that difficult of a time looking outside of himself.]

I know that's the best I can hope for from you.

[A little of the pressure on Armin's chest seems lifted, and he pushes off the wall, taking a few steps down the sidewalk.]

Same time next week? Maybe with a few less lectures?

[After a moment, Jean offers Armin a stiff nod. He can do something with less lectures, especially now that matters have been cleared up.]

Next week sounds fine. But let's do something with less ... flavor.

[Armin smiles brightly. Though he wouldn't like to admit it to anyone, he looks forward to spending more time - lecture-free - with Jean. It makes things feel sort of normal.]

You can pick the restaurant, then.

We can do something with fish. I haven't had a whole lot here yet.

[And given where they are, it's supposed to be good. It can be made greasy, from what he understands, but it won't always be.

It's safe.]

If I need to talk to you about something, we'll do it over our stupid communicators.

Okay! There are a lot of ways to eat fish. Some which aren't flavorful at all. [Armin's only teasing a little</>.] And you can message me any time about whatever you like. Even if it's just because you saw a dog you liked or something.

I'm not gonna message you just 'cause I liked a dog, Armin.

[That's just too much communication.

Which means it's likely going to happen at some point.]

hopeful hearts are moving targets [open]

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