Newton "Newt" Geiszler (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
driftsintobuffetline) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
maskormenacelogs2017-01-03 09:55 pm
driftsintobuffetline) wrote in maskormenacelogs2017-01-03 09:55 pm
does drifting with your husband's facetwin count as cheating?
WHO: Newton Geiszler, Hermann Gottlieb, Miles Vorkosigan
WHERE: the house that miles built
WHEN: Early January
WHAT: Newt sort of tried to help and ended up suggesting a Drift with Miles. So a Drift it will be.
WARNINGS: What could possibly go wrong? I mean, Miles JUST lost his big nosed Emperor Boyfriend and he's going to share a headspace with a guy who has JUST married an older Miles-facetwin.
He was scared for Miles and, quite honestly, didn't know how to help. That was how he found himself here.
Because, while Miles and Hermann were vastly different men who just happened to have the same face, Newt and Miles had things in common--enough, at least, to make Newt fear very much for the man who had just lost his childhood friend and lover. Because Greg was Miles' Hermann and if Newt had lost Hermann and had their Drift severed after barely a year in this place, he would probably be on the verge of doing something incredibly stupid.
(He had been expecting a post from Kitty, in fact, any day now, saying Miles already had.)
And, alright, maybe he should have kept that Porter Drift idea to himself, but it just kind of came out, and then they were talking about Drifting and ...well. How could he not agree to it? Maybe it would be comforting to Miles, maybe, and maybe it would give Newt some insight on Miles' mental state BEFORE he did anything dumb.
And ok, maybe he was just curious, too. He wasn't ENTIRELY altruistic. Science DID sneak in of course.
Hermann had not been pleased, fearing any number of complications to their own Drift as a result, but Newt had gone ahead and made the arrangements anyway, putting together a new pair of squidcaps with coding help from his husband. These caps would be, fundamentally, more like the system used in the Jaegers, and better able to sync minds and achieve an actual neural handshake than the ones he and Hermann had Drifted with.
So now, here they were, unpacking a Drift apparatus in the basement of Miles' home and Newt was finally realizing the magnitude of just what he had agreed to--he was going to share his brain, however briefly, with another human being. One who was NOT his lab partner and penpal. One who was not doing it with the excuse of saving the world. One who was probably just as likely as Newt, if not more so given the circumstances, to chase the RABIT into any number of potentially embarrassing or emotionally devastating memories. ...He was feeling a little queasy.
"Hermann, man, are we going to have to get you a barf bag? Chill."
WHERE: the house that miles built
WHEN: Early January
WHAT: Newt sort of tried to help and ended up suggesting a Drift with Miles. So a Drift it will be.
WARNINGS: What could possibly go wrong? I mean, Miles JUST lost his big nosed Emperor Boyfriend and he's going to share a headspace with a guy who has JUST married an older Miles-facetwin.
He was scared for Miles and, quite honestly, didn't know how to help. That was how he found himself here.
Because, while Miles and Hermann were vastly different men who just happened to have the same face, Newt and Miles had things in common--enough, at least, to make Newt fear very much for the man who had just lost his childhood friend and lover. Because Greg was Miles' Hermann and if Newt had lost Hermann and had their Drift severed after barely a year in this place, he would probably be on the verge of doing something incredibly stupid.
(He had been expecting a post from Kitty, in fact, any day now, saying Miles already had.)
And, alright, maybe he should have kept that Porter Drift idea to himself, but it just kind of came out, and then they were talking about Drifting and ...well. How could he not agree to it? Maybe it would be comforting to Miles, maybe, and maybe it would give Newt some insight on Miles' mental state BEFORE he did anything dumb.
Hermann had not been pleased, fearing any number of complications to their own Drift as a result, but Newt had gone ahead and made the arrangements anyway, putting together a new pair of squidcaps with coding help from his husband. These caps would be, fundamentally, more like the system used in the Jaegers, and better able to sync minds and achieve an actual neural handshake than the ones he and Hermann had Drifted with.
So now, here they were, unpacking a Drift apparatus in the basement of Miles' home and Newt was finally realizing the magnitude of just what he had agreed to--he was going to share his brain, however briefly, with another human being. One who was NOT his lab partner and penpal. One who was not doing it with the excuse of saving the world. One who was probably just as likely as Newt, if not more so given the circumstances, to chase the RABIT into any number of potentially embarrassing or emotionally devastating memories. ...He was feeling a little queasy.
"Hermann, man, are we going to have to get you a barf bag? Chill."
no subject
He's still rather unkempt when he pads down to the laboratory to help with setup. He's in clean clothes, at least, and he has showered, but he's not shaved since Gregor left. Nor slept through the night peacefully, save for when he's been with Kitty and/or Bel. He'd been gaunt before; grief has made him downright hollow.
(It's been over a week now. From what he can tell, if people are going to return, they tend to do so within that time frame. Longer than a week and odds drop precipitously. Which means that Gregor probably ... )
He forces a smile on his face when he sees Newt and Hermann setting up. Tries not to feel another horrible spike of jealousy. He really should have just proposed to Gregor when he had the chance, dammit. "There's a bucket over there," he adds helpfully. "I think I've thrown up into it myself a few times."
no subject
"Those are your nerves, Newton," he sniffed. Which was odd, considering he was the one with the weaker stomach by far. And yes, all right, he was nervous, but not so much that he felt ill. That was definitely radiating from Newton. The idiot. Never thought these things through until the last moment..
But he followed Miles' gaze, then grimaced. He didn't fancy using a bucket anyone else has for similar purposes. "No, thank you. I'm not the one Drifting, but seeing as it's your first, you may have need of it yourself. A bit disorienting.."
Although he'd never heard of anyone else coughing up the contents of their stomach after a drift.
"Now, I've put in a fail-safe to prevent any extended RABITs. There will be a time limit for your drift- a few minutes long. Newton, I expect you've told him about the process in some amount of detail?"
The last bit was said with the understanding that he probably hadn't.
no subject
Talking to you, nerves.
He hadn't told Miles much about the process...or if he had, not recently. Historically they'd mostly just compared notes on their powers, not the original means for Drifting.
Newt rolled his eyes at Hermann with an exaggerated, long suffering sigh. If circumstances had been different, more pleasant, he might have commented that this was what Miles had to look forward to in marriage. Or, jokingly, to never get married. How awful it is.
But now was not the time, might never be the time, not when missed chances surely were deep, well-salted wounds.
After all, Miles did not look like the week or so had been at all good to him, and it was odd enough seeing the scruff on a face Newt was so used to seeing smooth. He didn't need to pitch the man further down a spiral with a misplaced tease.
"What Hermann is not so subtly hinting at me to explain is that Drifting--or rather Drifting through mechanical means as we had originally--is kind of a process. It's not a power."
Like yours, went unspoken. He turned over a squid cap, showing it off, then demonstrated putting it on. As he tugged the spinal connector/collar snuggly around his neck, looking like a mad scientist in the process, his left hand flashed with a plain gold band.
"We are going to sync into what's known as the neural handshake--like the name implies, it's a subconscious consent to Drift, an alignment and agreement of brainwaves, so to speak. From there, we can share thoughts, but what Hermann is so hung up on--" or rather what's making Newt ill, "--is that focusing too long on any given memory will throw you out of alignment. We call that de-syncronization 'chasing the RABIT' ...a literary reference I don't expect you to get, but if we chase the RABIT then we'll kinda relive the memory a bit. We've done it intentionally before, and there's no harm in it, really, if you're not operating heavy machinery at the time, though full-disclosure, it's kinda emotionally compromising. And, well, it can be hard to get you and your partner out of, which is why Hermann's created an external failsafe."
Wow, that made it all sound so appealing. Should they have a safe word? A way to ask to tap out? Could you?
"But it's perfectly safe and fun," he added lamely.
no subject
"Alice in Wonderland, right?" he says thoughtfully. "I loved that story as a child." Barrayar didn't have everything, true, but most of the classics were preserved intact. Including Alice. "Don't get too involved, basically. That should be safe enough with a timer and an observer, right?
The rest of it ... eh. He's a little too tired to care right now. The hole in his head is still horribly painful; he'd give quite a bit to feel it whole again. Even embarrassing emotional transference. It's not as though he hasn't told New half this stuff anyway.
no subject
Possibly they should have had some sort of medical staff on standby, but they'd call for help or he'd send them to the nearest hospital in the worst case scenario. Not that there should be one. They weren't trying to pilot a Jaeger or network with an alien hivemind. Although..
"The Drift is very revealing. Memories and emotions will surge past, thoughts will make idle connections with seeming random associations. Try not to focus on them, but understand that even doing so perfectly well will still result in each of you gleaning odd bits of information about one another."
Hermann paused, squinting through his glasses and tapping through his code, then with an almost audible hesitation, hit Enter. Lines of green code scrolled down the screen, and up popped a progress bar. He looked over at Miles.
"It's most noted that feelings of shame can result in a failed drift as the mind withdraws, and guilt is the primary suspect of RABIT chasing. It's no small thing to enter a Drift. Even once the connection is severed, you will still occasionally find yourself thinking about things that never happened to you.. or emotions that aren't yours."
It was the latter he was most concerned about for both their sake's. It would certainly be awkward for Newton to feel keen upset over Gregor's disappearance, or for Miles to associate any of Newton's affections with him.
"Just about ready then?" The extra bit of code had just finished compiling.
no subject
Newt leveled a flat look at Hermann to keep from dwelling on all the guilty, depressing things he might chase into the Drift and drag them both (or was that all three?) under.
"I think he understands a Drift results in oversharing." Really, the disclaimer could have been given to just about any one of their friends BUT Miles. "Stop worrying. He's not going to want to screw you after this. But, yeah, I'm ready. Just. Just a sec. Lemme get you set up..."
Retrieving the other cap, he arranged it on Miles' head and neck carefully, adjusted it a few times, then closed its appendages. They were really doing this. He should have made these look cooler. They should have decided on safeish topics to focus on. At the very least, he should have brought gauze for his nose.
"Now, you're sure about this, right?" Last chance to back out. "You wanna sit down, maybe?"
no subject
He submits himself to Newt's adjustments patiently. At least his head is normal sized compared to the rest of him, so for once that isn't too big for him. He does decide to sit down, however.
"I'm quite certain," he says, with a flare of his usual determination in his gray eyes. "All of those warnings are important, yes, but remember I do have experience." He's gone down to the very core of Gregor's being to confirm the man is perfectly same ... The mental image makes him swallow back the urge to cry. God, he misses his boyfriend so much.
no subject
His fingers closed over his bracelet, then severed his connection with Newton on a fortifying breath. Gone from his mind yet still within visual range, and here he was watching his husband get ready to drift with one of his look-a-likes. Yes, all right, there was jealousy there, and he was mildly grateful the Drift wasn't conveying it for him.
Hermann turned back toward his laptop and called up the initializing program.
"If you're all ready then, neural handshake initiation in 10... 9.."
1 of 2
inherently appealingfun lookalike. He'd be jealous and probably would have thrown more of a fit than Hermann had in his protestations.As the countdown began, Newt reached out, then aborted a gesture to take Hermann's hand--deciding it was unfair to Miles, but...the Drift was going to be pain, experience told him. He'd been coddled by his Drift with Hermann, but their actual Drift, and his before, with the Kaiju....... Drifting wasn't gentle. It wasn't loving. It wasn't the reassurance he had come to know; it was brutal, a theft of information ripped from another's mind, and why had he suggested this--
Hermann's count reached the end and the world turned inwards. Thoughts merged and blended, swirled around like scattered leaves or passed like billboards along a high speed roadway. Family inspired a blending of their families here and back home--Qubit, Kitty, Joaquin, Tex, Sophie... Newt briefly clung to the concept of 'Mother' as the beautiful, brave, intelligent Cordelia and not the eternally absent Monica...
If only...
Ripples of regret. Failure. Struggle. Hardship. Miles' disability. Newt's brain chemistry. Piles of real and imagined roadblocks to happiness.
Happiness. Warm affection, frustration, attraction--the slope of a jaw, the angle of a cheekbone, the hook of a nose and the fan of eyelashes. Combing fingers over an unruly cowlick. Bony, long, perfect fingers. The heat of a body pressed against him in bed. The cold of an empty bed and the waking fear that this is it, this is the end, the dream is over… All he'd wanted was a second chance with Hermann, a chance to be his friend and maybe something more, but anything, just not to drift apart after all they had been through together--
He didn't want to repeat those years of anger and regret after their failed meeting. 2017 would be the year they'd try again, they'd make it work this time--
The Drift snags--
pt 2 of 2 - let me know if this doesn't work for you, or if you want it shortened or whatever
"A bright part of my--GOD!" Again, always, they cannot communicate and this has resulted in another argument. Newt throws his hands up, annoyed at the man in front of him, but more so at the situation they once again find themselves in--losing people, time ticking, experiments not working, and the very real fear that this will be either what drives them apart if it doesn't pull them closer. "What, 'I am uncomfortable when it is not about me'??? Like I need more of a reminder about just how much I have to lose in all this? I try to be NOT an insensitive jerk for once and think about other people and you're over here going 'but don't I make you happ-' OF COURSE YOU MAKE ME HAPPY! God-fucking-damn."
Newt paces around in a tight circle. Dirt grits under his shoes. He tries not to focus on Hermann. Of course he fails.
"Goddamn," he repeats under his breath, agitated, a little shrill for what is theoretically a public place. "You're the best thing and this was not what I intended this to be about! Dammit, Hermann!"
Hermann sets his jaw, determined, frustrated. "I was only trying to remind you that you still have a measure of happiness here." He gestures vaguely. Hermann is never sure what to do in emotional situations and Newt is still struggling to know how to meet in the middle. They're both prone to failing and fumbling. "I don't know what you want in regards to the others, Newton. There's nothing we can do about their situations back in their own worlds."
I know, but...
"I want..." His anger deflates and he is left unsure, confused, helpless. Newt kicks at the ground childishly. "I want this place to be about happy endings. Or...or not endings, but second chances. But this place likes to show people what CAN be...and then just take it away. Hiro had his brother, Joaquin had Manolo and Maria, Qubit had Super Squad. And then they lost it. Not that they're going to remember any of it...but maybe that's the saddest part."
And when this is over, Newt won't remember what it means to be married to the one man who challenged him, respected him, and understood him. Neither of them will even remember their promises to stay together--before they had a romantic relationship--and it terrifies him that he and Hermann could go their separate ways and never speak again, maybe only meet for reunions and interviews and as names in the pages of a history book.
What is fame if you're alone?
Those beautiful dark eyes soften. Newt fears someday he will only be able to dream of those eyes. "Everyone dies, Newton. This place is much the same. We get second chances, but we're just as unclear as to when that chance will come to an end. And so we make the most of it. Until we learn enough about this dimension to control space and time, that's all we can do."
Until they learn enough… Progress is always so slow...
"I'm the biologist here--trust me, I KNOW people die. I just--" want the impossible and am willing to chase it and try to make it possible. I hate being unable to control my own fate. "I'm tired of being scared all the time, of having a clock loom over our heads."
When they came out here, Newt had still fully intended to be optimistic, to suggest they give Qubit a month to reappear. Out of respect. And because Newt didn't want to believe he was really gone.
But Hermann has suggested they make the most of their time. And what better way than making sure they have their second chance?
He holds out a hand to Hermann. "Let's make the most of it. Marry me, Hermann. Right here, right now."
no subject
He lingers, though, at Newt's relationship with Hermann. He's so jealous he could just about shrivel up on the spot. He aches so badly for Gregor that he reaches out to feel more of that love, to warm himself with it for a moment. He completely fails to notice the way their mental landscape is changing until it's a whole new scene around him. He's ... somewhere else somehow. Watching? Can he change anything?
Because god he wants to. This hurts worse than being alone. The image of Hermann flickers, being overwritten by a taller figure. Dark hair, straight backed, somber faced. And then back to Hermann again, intertwined.
"I should have done that," he says, the words barbed with regret. "Dammit, why didn't I propose?"
no subject
Why DIDN'T you propose?
I was rooting for you.
I should have pushed you harder.
Newt's curled up on the sofa with his phone in his hands. On the screen, there's a video of Miles, the newly-elected ambassador for Nonah.
"And no, this is just the opposite. I - er - figured I needed more political experience."
Newt, foot in mouth as usual, automatically replies with: "Why? You're not going to retain it if you go home--" before back-pedaling with a dumb comment about higher political ambitions that he says just to try to soften the first.
"On the contrary. I'm going to drag my memories home if it's the last thing I do."
A clear statement of intent.
There's a determination in the eyes of digital-screen-version-Miles that Newt both respects and envies. Qubit and Joaquin's disappearances are still too fresh and painful and Hermann's resistance to marrying right away still lingers over him. He fears that they're going to miss their chance...they're waiting until December but what if they miss that window of opportunity and Newt wakes up December 1st to no one...
"And in the event that I fail - then it's not going to matter what I do here. So I may as well prepare for the best."
Newt smiles, that positivity is a breath of fresh air he didn't realize he needed after the last month or so. Miles is terribly charming and it's not just his face that Newt finds himself weak to. His charisma is enough to lure anyone into his service, he thinks, and it's no surprise the Dendarii is as successful as it seems to be or that Miles' friendgroup is as large and diverse as it is.
He wants to believe--desperately--that it's possible to retain one's memories on the return trip. Hermann is talking about joining with another group to seek answers about the Porter, and Miles' determination has promise and possibility...and maybe MAYBE he doesn't have to be so scared--
But Newt's currency is fact not hope, much as he wishes otherwise.
"True. You have a plan for making that happen, dude, or just sheer force of will and your undeniable charm?"
Yet despite Miles' response that it is, "Mostly the latter, I admit," charisma once again wins over. He is someone to root for and to stand with. They share similar goals and if Newt CAN, he realizes in that moment, he will help Miles. For many reasons, not solely because Miles is a friend. Because he wants things to work with Miles and Greg. Because he feels guilty for not helping Qubit with his goals more. And because Newt wants that answer too.
Positivity is boosting his morale and Newt, against his best judgement, is thinking: We don't have to marry on the first. We could have time. We could MAKE time... I could give Hermann...well, maybe not a March wedding, but give him something more picturesque, memorable...meaningful.
Boston. He could give him Boston. MIT. Where Newt first wrote that letter that destroyed his life forever.
Dear Doctor Hermann Gottlieb
"But I continue to search," Miles is saying on the screen. "I refuse to believe it's simply impossible."
I reject your reality and substitute my own.
Newt is going to help him. They will all go home eventually. This--retention of their memories, not more time in this side-quest of a world--is all that matters.
no subject
His old self rings hollow. And Newt's determination is too painful to bear. It's all well and good to think about how to retain memories when your partner is still here. Miles should have made time while he still could. Now the hope of going back memories intact is a dream. Maybe an impossibility.
Miles pulls control of the Drift back towards him inexorably, like falling past the event horizon of a black hole. The great big hole punched through his psyche where Gregor's link should have been. It's drained all the color out of his life, made everything feel hollow in return. What's the point of it all? Why take care of himself or even care? Gregor had given him purpose before. This is ... worse than nothing. To have known what it felt like and then lose it - that's true agony.
His memories shift to waking up in the morning after Gregor's disappearance. Waking up again in again from a nightmare, only to roll over and find that the worst part of that nightmare - the aching loneliness - is true. The bed is too big for one person. Figuratively and literally. Some views are too big, due to Miles' control over his powers slipping overnight. Previously Gregor had gently nudged Miles back up to full size before waking. Without him ... Miles doesn't even bother clawing back up if he stays in bed all day. What's the point?
What's the point of any of this?