maskormenacelogs | Never opened myself this way

Entry tags:

† carl grimes | n/a

Never opened myself this way

WHO: Carl and YOU
WHERE: A certain alley in Maruita Falls
WHEN: October 15th - October 16th
WHAT: Carl goes down memory lane.
WARNINGS: Extreme violence; death; zombies; a link to a scene involving a graphic C-Section; more to come if needed. Also, if anyone still wants a memory from Carl but not from these two memories, please PM on this journal or on plurk me so I can set a thread up with whatever memory you'll have in mind. (Or if want Carl to see your character's memories and want in this log as well, which ever works!)

[ Carl heard about the "haunted" alley, but didn't think much of it. He figures it's some imPort thing that's been set up, or maybe some fancy hologram get-up that the natives hooked up for some early Halloween spookfest. But still, he's curious, he's bored, might as well check it out.

He now wishes he didn't. ]

A

[ The alarms blare like a hellish howl, the echoes are maddening until they stop. After the quietness is louder, a whisper spoken that pierce through the silence like a bullet. ]

Carl's got a knife.

[ There's a woman on the floor, heavily pregnant.

There's Carl, younger and have both of his eyes. Another woman, Maggie, pale-faced and steel-eyed despite the looming grief, kneeling next to the pregnant woman. The air is thick with a metal odor, and the room is cramp. There's fervent whispers and hushed sobs from all three of them. Lori's words are weeping but strong. ]

You gotta do what's right, baby. You promise me, you'll always do what's right. It's so easy to do the wrong thing in this world. So don't. . . so if it feels wrong, don't do it, all right? If it feels easy, don't do it. Don't let the world spoil you. You're so good. You're my sweet boy. You're the best thing I ever did. And I love you.

[ Lori kissed Carl goodbye, and stares up at the ceiling with determination, as she says her last words. ]

Goodnight, love.

[ And with that, Maggie cuts Carl's mother open. Carl screams, crying, as Maggie tores his mother open. Blood spills everywhere.

The baby emerge, silent, bloody. Maggie pats its back, and it cries, and uses the gore-covered knife to slice the umbilical cord. She stands, turning, getting ready to leave. Carl stops her. ]

We can't leave her here. She'll turn.

[ Horror etched on Maggie's face; a pale shadow with pale blue eyes. ]

She's my mom.

[ Maggie turns away.

"No more kid stuff," Rick Grimes' voice echoes through the room, a memory within this memory.

Carl lowers himself and gives his mother one last hug. He stands, eyes on the prone corpse of Lori Grimes. He raises the pistol, aims it at his mother's head.

A loud bang, a flash of light, and she was gone for good.

B

[ A search for food gotten a little more crazy than it should have been. A ridiculous struggle against one walker, resulting in Carl losing his shoe.

But at least he was courteous enough to leave a message, and managed to get some pudding. He stares out at the empty neighborhood, everything scattered with windows either broken or missing, junk scattering the sidewalks and streets. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ The memory Carl reveals to Enid is a memory that he almost forgotten. Carl is sitting in a makeshift table, filling out what it appears to be homework. He's far younger, with shorter, cropped hair and with both of his eyes. He's out in the outdoors, but it's not in the woods. The ground is pale gravel and there is a massive quarry nearby, with clear blue water at the bottom. There's a woman sitting close to him, looking at his work. She's older, with long brown locks and dark brown eyes.

It's clear that she is Carl's mother. The resemblance is uncanny. So much so that really the only thing he ever inherited from his father's looks is his blue eyes. ]

Mom, if the school back home is still closed, why am I doing this?

[ He asks the question as though he already knows the answer too. Lori doesn't even look up in her reply. ]

You'll still need an education, Carl.

[Enid, for many of the same reasons as Carl, finds herself talking a walk to check out in the alleyway as well. She never expected to find Carl there at the same time, however once she sees him and the memory that starts to emerge from it, she can't turn her eyes away. She can see right away that the woman with beautiful brown waves of hair and a maternal watch on the boy is every bit the image Carl takes after. She knows who she is seeing is momma Grimes.

And the boy?

It doesn't take her long to piece together that he is Carl shortly after it all begun. She was about that age too, after all. Innocent and everything else. Watching and seeing that is what Carl used to be like, though, is a bit more of a shock to her system. (Seeing his mother affects her in a way too, since she strongly misses hers and wishes that being an orphan wasn't the case for Carl too.) The Carl she knew was less a boy (even if still a boy) though and more a survivor, which is why she doesn't say anything as the scene plays out right before her eyes. Only at the end does she bring her gaze down to steady her thoughts and feelings and say something to finally catch his attention.]

Was that your mom? You look a lot like her.

[She can't fully hide how empathetic she is though.]

Yeah. [ Which . . . Carl is actually surprised about. He didn't quite realize just how much he takes after Mom. He just assumes that he takes up more with Dad. Still, his heart twists and churns at the sight of her. He misses her so much, and it's not fair his last memories of her dying a horrible death, her body all torn up.

But don't a lot of children see their parents that way, in the world Enid and Carl lived in? Orphans are not unusual, and Carl was one of the lucky ones, a group that doesn't include Enid, if what he suspects as to what happened to her parents is true. ]

[Enid doesn't speak again for a moment to allow Carl to sort himself and his memories out and to watch him at the same time. His mother she can tell is a bit of a sensitive subject and she doesn't want to intrude or say anything that isn't welcome. After a minute, she finally lets a breathe out to break the silence. She figures she should steer the subject elsewhere.]

You grew quite a bit. [Just an observation.]

[ Carl is still not out of his haze. It was a better memory than the last one, where he last saw her alive. When he pulled the trigger on her. When he had to help Maggie to carve Judith out of her. What happened to the days before?

As Carl speaks, his twine his fingers together. ]

Yeah. I'm not the same kid I used to be.

[She can tell that. So the best thing she figures is to keep talking for a little while, until he recovers. The next best thing is falling silent and waiting, but the former is what she gives a try first. Just as a reminder she's there, you know, and open to talk. Her tone comes off as light as she speaks.]

What else are you thinking?

Before she died, she told me not to let the world spoil me. To do right. I failed her, because I thought it was better to give up morals and just making sure no one would die like she did. I was cold for a long time.

[ Even in the Georgia heat, he felt cold. ]

I'm sometimes cold now, even though we are better off than we were back home.

[ The rage at betrayal, the grief of loss, and everything that refuses to mend by time or by forgiveness - this whole year is just one meaningless blur, aside the occasional bloody knife. ]

... Carl.

[She manages to say after listening to all that. And honest to god (if she still completely believed in him), isn't easy for her to spit out or say anything. What he told her, after all, is quite personal and true. It is true for all of them though.

Eventually, she manages to shake her head also.]

It doesn't make you wrong. That's just how we survive.

Even here?

[ He looks ahead, already zoning out. ]

There are people thinking I got potential to get us out of this stupid mess with the nanites and ask for my help. I also got a lot of people thinking I'm just some murderous crazy. But all I can think about is how keeping everybody in our group safe. How can I do that here?

[Her lip quirks, puzzled at why he would even wonder the first question.]

Even here... It may appear better, but we're still as alone here as were back home.

[At least that's how she feels, even with opening up to the fact she can count on the small group they are here. As for his comment to what people are saying about him and asking him, she hardly knows what to say in response other than the truth of her point of view.]

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or asks of you. No one's asking you to take care of them. Just doing your best and surviving is what matters. I-- [and actually, she is stopping just short of giving her opinion of him. It would defeat everything she said just now. If she did finish and say what she was going to though it would have been this: "I don't think you're doing anything but your best, even if you are careless sometimes." She isn't sure he'd notice anyway with how he is zoning out again already. Though she hopes he heard most of it.]

[ He hears her. He does. But he's still not sure if she understands. ]

I want to do the right thing. [ He turns to Enid, looking tired, as it he has a great weight on his shoulders. ]

But I don't want to do the right thing either if it means putting you in danger. Us in danger.

[She understands enough. Her experiences and point of view is just her own. What she doesn't get, she can kind of feel in a sense from the emotions that radiate off him to her. She'd describe them as nothing other than perplexing because she has no idea why he would feel that strongly or tired about anything. There was the only one time she was in danger, when he helped her out of it...

And she told him just a second ago not to worry about her. Them. Us. (She has to figure Daryl, Rosita and Andrea into the equation too. And honestly, out of them all, the archer was probably the most likely of them to be able to take care of himself. The other two full grown adults right after him. Carl. Never mind she was likely last. She was smart enough.) So why did Carl put this all on himself? Enid's lips tugged just slightly at the corners in response. Okay, maybe she didn't get. But she didn't want to let him on about that.]

Why do you think you have to do anything on your own? If we work together, we can do the right thing and stay together. Be smart about it, for once.

[Or something. It's like what Glenn said to her before about helping and sticking together. She's trying her best on taking that heart, even now.]

[ Dad was killed because he resorted to the help of people he didn't know. Carl himself was gassed with a toxin by a man he thought to be a doctor. During all that time, Carl felt completely alone, alone in the choices he made. He made so many bad choices with people here, and a lot of his sense of responsibility comes with guilt. He's determined those mistakes will never happen again.

And yet, those threats to his people, to Carl - they are still standing. Still able to walk around, protected, still loved by everyone. And that is driving Carl mad.

But hearing Enid's words . . . maybe he was going at this the wrong way. Instead of staring at the ceiling at night, unable to sleep, trying to figure out how to take on the responsibility of making sure no one will hurt his group . . . he should have just asked. ]

Because all the times I've asked for help for going straight, I got stabbed in the back, or someone I love gets hurt or killed. And when I try to make things right after that, people just spit in my face.

[ He really did try with Crane. He really did try with Jesse. With RISE. It didn't work. None of them was willing to get over themselves and just admit they did something wrong to Carl. They just leave Carl with the remnants of Carl's trust and put the blame on him or the people he loves. ]

But I guess you're right.

[ It's like what Carl said to Daryl after Dad disappeared: he doesn't always make the best decisions. Doesn't stop Carl from worrying for his group. Doesn't stop him from thinking someone is being a threat to the people he loves. ]

I just hate feeling so vulnerable here.

[ And that's the crux of the matter here: the feeling of vulnerability and the desire to do something about it. ]

[Enid gets how people can be. Those in Alexandria before the Georgian group arrived were not the sort she felt she confident enough in placing her life in their hands. The same could be said for the Heropian community and government here, right now. Her worst fear, even, is one that people will come out of no where eventually to hurt her or those she's come to love, too. But the thing is, as she's come to realize, not everyone is like that. There are people to trust. You have to trust someone to help when you need it.

Select members of the Georgian group here and at home belong in that trust system for her. She knows everyone of them is that for Carl, on the other hand. She has reason to believe they're closer than the ones he is talking about trusting before.]

It's not the same, Carl. I don't know who you trusted before but you have me and the rest and I doubt any of us would stab you in the back.

[She can't say that no one will get hurt because that's just how it is or seems in either world for them so she purposely leaves that out. She already spoke her peace when she said no one is asking him to take care of them, anyway.]

I know. I hate it too.

[And she feels vulnerable here then home because they are so many more unfamiliar people and because the monsters aren't so brainless and easy to manoeuvre if you know what you're doing.]

But... We have to push on.

[She says that, turning to look at the image of Lori fading away. She won't say it but she imagines the woman might have been able to say what she is trying to a lot better. Mom's are like that.]

[ He too watches his mother fading away, for the last time. For the final time. He'll never see her face again, except maybe within his own. He turns back to Enid, and he looks a little less lost. Still tired, but the smile he gives to Enid is small but sincere. ]

Yeah. We will.

[She doesn't know how he can smile at her when the image of his mother finally fades away forevermore, but she'll take it. Seeing him sad and feeling him be isn't so great. Enid smiles back just a little.]

Good. Let's get out of here.

[But before they can do that... Enid turns around to go and is blocked by another memory starting to form. The alley has decided to play more tricks on them (Carl), she thinks. And that is why she steps back with her expression pulling quickly into exasperation. It couldn't just leave him be already?

That thought quickly changed when the image become clearer to her, though. Enid's eyes widened. She recognized this. The car that came into view was a white minivan. The same one her parents and her first originally owned and travelled with in the beginning. But the time was clearly still before too much had happened. A younger version of herself sat just inside the vehicle, looking out at her parents scramble with camping supplies and food and family pictures for some reason not yet obvious to her. Clearly she was sensing something was wrong though. Which is why her father eventually comes up, opens her door and talks to her.]

Honey, we're only going camping for a little while.

[And as ever, Enid is able to come off as the more logical one with:]

But Dad. Why are we going camping? It's a school day.

[Her father just smiles weakly, yet bravely too.]

Just think of it as a vacation, an early birthday present. It'll be fun this way. Just the three of us.

[That seems to calm her little self down, who tries to give her best agreeable smile back to her father, but the present Enid finds herself looking down feeling crushed and cold and sad by having to remember that, let alone see him say it again. She's trying to hide her reaction that way.]

[ Another memory. Carl doesn't even want to see what other memories this place want to show him and was about to turn away when he hears the voices of strangers. He couldn't help himself but look and sees a younger Enid, with two adults.

Her parents.

It doesn't take Carl long to realize what this is. A memory during the outbreak. A time where everything is uncertain and lying to your kids about the dangers around them is still a valid thing to do. But it was hard for Carl - when he was still mourning for his father and the loss of his home.

Carl is quiet and glances at Enid. He knows (or rather, suspected - it's not something Carl can say outright) about what happened to her parents. After all, he doubts her parents would have let her wander around by herself, unless they weren't around to be there for her.

It just comes to show just how lucky he is, despite it all.

But how can he say it? ]

[He doesn't need to say anything. Or rather she wishes he won't. She's heard enough of that from the kind people of Alexandria, with enough looks and whispers from them as well. What she needs right now is nothing. Just time to figure out how to pull herself together. Not cry.

Her attempts not to let herself though do pretty much as the opposite. Tears form at the corners of her eyes and her mood plummets deeply enough. Where she was initially sad before, she feels herself growing upset with alley for showing her them. For showing her nothing but hurtful memories, to be more precise.

Which is why her shoulders begin to shake and she forces herself to stop as best as she can by shaking her head instead. Her head raises up, hands wipe the corner of her eyes, giving pause to gather herself up more - one minute, maybe two, or three pass - before she looks straight at Carl. She's still stuck on what she was shown but it's clear by the sullen look on her face that she wants the both of them to leave already.

She can't bare to risk another memory showing up.]

[ It's time to go. They need to need before they both see a memory that will drag them down into misery and grief. God help them if they come across the long buried memory of Carl getting shot. Both times.

But before they go, Carl reaches out to Enid -

- and wraps an arm around her in a hug.

It didn't last long. Carl knows Enid, and personal space is something that she values. He's probably be making a mistake doing it, but physical contact is meaningful to Carl. To the group. And Enid is part of that group.

So he lets go and starts walking back out of the alley. He does his best not to look back. ]

[Enid was about to turn tail and get out of there right then and there...

But then Carl does the unexpected and hugs her. And she- she, well, freezes in place rather than push him or try to duck away when it happens. She knows he is only trying to comfort her and so she makes the exception this once and just lets him. She isn't able to decide whether or not to hug him in return for how short it lasts, but she almost does. Her hands seem to twitch when he lets go.

Then she finds herself watching him turn to lead the way back and falling into step at his side. She can't figure out how thank him for the hug aloud so eventually she does the only thing she can think of to show him the effort was appreciated. She reaches out to take his hand.

(They both have seen something that will sit with them for a while tonight so she can only imagine the walk back will be a quiet one.)]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Never opened myself this way

closed for Enid

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject