maskormenacelogs | if you wanna stay

WHO: Sarah, Sarissa, Clara
WHERE: De Chima
WHEN: Nebulous points between the 18th and the 26th
WHAT: Just some freakouts
WARNINGS: Will add as necessary

for sarissa: [ After their short text conversation, Sarah goes outside to wait for Sarissa, pacing up and down the street. She doesn't smoke cigarettes, but situations like this make her understand how easy it would be to start. She needs something to do with her hands, besides wring them together, which is what she's doing right now.

Jesus. Can't they ever catch a break? It's one thing after another, and it never seems to stop. ]

for clara: [ Since Cosima and Alison have gone missing, Sarah has taken to spending time at the places they can usually be found. She'll spend a couple hours skulking around near Alison's house, then a few hours at Cosima's, then make a trip to Cosima's lab. Just in case. She knows it's getting ridiculous, but it's a way to pass the day.

On this particular evening, she's wrapped herself up in one of Cosima's old blankets and fallen asleep on the couch in the lab's Chill Zone. She doesn't even wake up when the door to the lab opens and someone appears in the doorway. Whoops. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Sarah knows what Sarissa means. Brixton... it's full of so many memories, but they're all fractured, good splintering into bad. Mostly she remembers the people. Women, kids. A revolving door of them. And the families before S. If she can call them that. ]

I went back to Brixton not too long ago. It was—different. It's different, when you're older. [ She glances up at the sky, watching the clouds. ] I couldn't go back to live there. Besides, Kira... She should be around her aunties. [ That brings out a wry little smile. ]

( Sarissa can't help but huff out a bit of a laugh. )

Yeah. Family's important.

( Which is a heavier, more complicated admission than she really meant it to be. Is it really an admission, when the reason they're out here is partly because Alison and Cosima are gone, and partly because of Sarissa starting to pull apart as a result? She's not even really all that sure. )

What's she like? Kira.

[ Sarah hesitates before answering, not because she's not sure what to say about Kira, but because she doesn't think anything she says can really convey what she wants to express. Sarissa might never meet Kira. This might be the only way she ever gets to know her. ]

Kira's way too smart for me, honestly. She's got this way of looking at a person and just—knowing about them. What they need. She likes art and animals and she plays that bloody Minecraft game all the time lately, it's awful. [ She cracks a smile at that. Clearly she doesn't mind the Minecraft as much as she says she does. ] She's still my baby, but she's getting older. She gets angry with me for going away so much or for her dad being gone. She can roll her eyes like a teenager already.

We call her Monkey. [ She bites at her bottom lip until it hurts, then asks, ] Do you like kids?

Monkey, I like it. Good name. ( Angry kids, though, kid being — that feels like an echo, even if the circumstances couldn't be more different to what Sarissa grew up with, she's pretty sure. ) She sounds like a great kid.

( And an exhale, rolling her shoulders against the glass of the windscreen. )

I like kids, yeah. Not that good with them, though. I think kids deserve a better adult than what I am, most of the time. I don't really know what you should do with 'em, you know? Got long list of 'don'ts', but.

( A look at Sarah them, a sort of does that even make sense? as she tries to muddle through her thoughts. )

Yeah, I know. I never thought about having kids, really. Not like Alison. I just wanted someone who was mine, yeah? My family. [ A pause. ] I mean. I realize how ironic that is now that I've got more family than most.

[ She slides off the hood of the car to walk close to the beach, kicking at a rock as she goes, then turns to face Sarissa. ]

Anyway, she'd like you. You'd be up high on the list.

Obviously. You said she was smart.

( So much radiant ego, though there's something quietly pleased and self-mocking woven into her smile. She sits up, listening to the distant sound of gravel as what she thinks might be their pizza arriving. )

My dad kind of—

( She tilts her head, shrugs. )

I only thought I should ever have kids if I knew I was never going to be like him. Probably shouldn't be around people. ( It's too serious a moment; ) 'Cept the world would be a darker place, obviously. Can't go depriving people of the Sun.

[ Sarah knows about people who shouldn't be parents. The foster system was rife with people who were only in it for the paycheck, who didn't care about the kids at all, or who thought they could beat the badness out of them. It was awful enough getting pushed around by people she knew weren't her real parents, people she knew weren't supposed to love her. The thought of someone being afraid of their own dad, or growing up and deciding it'd be better not to have kids because of him, makes her sick. She swallows, thickly. ]

You wouldn't. Just the fact that you're worried about it proves that.

[ She looks down the road, wondering if it'd be better if the pizza guy interrupted this conversation or if it'd just make things weirder. ]

Dunno about that.

( She slides off the car as the light on the motorcycle draws closer, leaning in through the open window to grab her wallet and thumbing through some notes pull out enough cash and a tip. She walks over as the bike stops, grabs the food, and heads back with an excessive number of boxes, tilting her head towards the sea as she loosely holds the bottle of bourbon.

Looked like the car would be getting abandoned here tonight, but it hardly mattered. )

Sit on the car or the sand?

Sand, of course.

[ Sarah grabs approximately half of the boxes and starts to head down to the beach. She struggles a bit when she reaches the sand, because she's wearing combat boots, because of course she is, but once she reaches a spot near enough to the water to watch the waves without needing to worry about the tide, she sits cross-legged in the sand and places the various boxes next to her. ]

( Sarissa follows, claims a spot next to Sarah, and commences easing off her shoes without making the effort of loosening the laces because fuck that. Her hands are too busy uncapping the bourbon, taking a hearty slug of it before passing the bottle to Sarah. )

Fuck.

( That is some... okay, it's probably better than the cheap stuff she gets on days full of self-loathing, but not by much. Then again, she is hardly ever one to buy top shelf, herself. )

[ Sarah takes the bottle, swigs, and makes a face. Still, beggars can't be choosers. She wasn't expecting great alcohol from a pizza place. The churros had better be damn good, though. ]

This brings back memories. [ She sets the bottle in between them and goes to work opening the first box of pizza. ]

( Unexpected as it is, she laughs. )

What, of some time you accidentally drank petrol, or something?

( It's not good bourbon, but she flips open a pizza box, and nods approvingly. So far so good, and she layers two slices on top of each other. )

[ Sarah picks a piece of pepperoni off her slice and pops it in her mouth. ]

Vic and I used to live down at Myrtle Beach. We'd spend the day fucking around on the boardwalk and then at night we'd go down to the beach and get wasted on cheap shite like this.

[ Her voice is a strange mix of fond and self-deprecating. She'd had fun with Vic (when they weren't fighting, which was often), but underneath she'd always known that it wasn't real. ]

if you wanna stay

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