maskormenacelogs | (no subject)

[ More embarrassment, but veering away from shame and more into the familiar, self-deprecating form of the emotion. ]

I suppose so. I just - rather wish he'd told me. I picked fights over those rumors, remember.

[ Or rather, it had made a handy excuse when Miles had wanted a fight. ]

So it's the lack of being told that bothers you, not the content thereof. I can certainly understand that.

[ Gregor doesn't want to veer into his own buried hurt at being kept in the dark on certain things, however. He abandons his ministrations (this thumb has just started to grow sore) and stretches up instead, so he's laying on top of Miles, practically covering his whole form as he tenderly places a kiss in his hair, then another, further down, along his neck and the curve of his shoulder. Still without any real impetus behind it but a distant, low level sexual interest, more an awareness than any intent.

He's not about to be distracted. His voice is a soft, easy murmur, close by. ]

But that doesn't mean you ever envisioned something like this for yourself. Bisexual and multiples and all. [ Gregor didn't, and he hadn't had any difficulty with the concepts as applied to other people at all. ]

[ Miles can appreciate the source of the sympathy, at least, without getting into the darker details. He would, of course, if he felt that Gregor wanted to, but ... no, not right now. He's rather more fixed on that faint undercurrent of sexual interest, if too languid to to stoke up much of his own. He's just ... pleasantly warm. Very pleasantly warm. Especially with Gregor leaning over him bodily. He does still appreciate that size differential they have ... ]

Well ... no. All of this is new. I'm still getting used to it.

[ Gregor himself takes a secret thrill, tinged with guilt although Miles is slowly draining that away over time with his continued open enjoyment, at getting to practically smother him beneath him. He always feels as if things are going to be taken away from him, that he must aggressively defend any scrap of happiness he manages to find, the individual responsible most especially, and while Miles is underneath him he is solidly his to protect and care for, and not out somewhere getting himself killed or hurt or, worst of all, mentally destroyed. ]

... You're right, it's too early to be pressing you for a conclusive opinion. I just-- [ He sighs, snuggles in tighter, soft fabric of his t-shirt against bare skin. ] You deserve everything I can give you. More.

[ Plain and heartfelt. ]

[ Certainly no chance of that with Miles doing his best puddle impression under Gregor's weight. Even if he wanted to escape - which is laughable, given the waves of contentment steaming up from him like heat - he really and truly couldn't. No wriggling, teleporting, or shrinking could get him loose now.

He sighs softly, his eyelids drooping. Not sleepy, but rather just letting himself relax completely. ]

I'd argue with that "deserve" part - [ He says, both self-deprecating and sarcastic, ] - but really, I can make up my mind whenever I like. Consider it a tentative yes.

[ He reaches up to idly card his fingers through Miles's hair, an unconsciously proprietary gesture.

More deliberately, he decides to stop manipulating the conversation toward where he wants it to go, and accepts this. ] All right. You can change your mind. [ One last ditch effort toward giving Miles an avenue to protest, but Gregor tries not to look a gift horse in the mouth. In a lower tone, ] Would you like to argue about what you deserve? You only have to ask me for something and I will do what I can to acquire it for you.

[ With Gregor, this is a potentially alarming sentiment to receive. He means it wholeheartedly. He trusts Miles absolutely, that he wouldn't abuse that. ]

[ It's finally at just the right length to run his fingers through. Miles having purposely done so for him ... he warms at the easy gesture, with the faint prickle of wanting a scalp massage. Wouldn't that be heavenly. Next time, maybe. ]

Maybe later. [ His tone is a bit flippant there. Him, change his mind about this wonderful situation he's found himself in? Like hell. He'll gladly endure a bit of discomfort compared to the possible gain here. That second comment, though ... He finds himself drawing a blank for something he actually wants. Something that Gregor can give, anyway. Obviously such things like fixing his bones for good are out. ]

You already bought me a horse and a ring. I'm not sure what else I could possibly ask for.

It's just a standing offer. And it needn't be so extravagant. For example...

[ He'd caught that edge of want, and curls his fingers, sinking his fingertips in with applied pressure before slowly moving them in tiny, excruciatingly slow increments. This is something he was at least able to practice on himself, though he'd felt incredibly stupid doing it. He doesn't feel stupid at all when he's doing it to Miles. ]

I should be rewarding you, after all, [ he murmurs. ] For growing this out for me.

[ Oh. Yes, that completely hits the spot. A flutter of sheer bliss across their link, like the touch of a small host of butterflies suddenly being let loose. Right there, where his hair meets the nape of his neck - he could just about melt from that alone, let alone the rest of his head. ]

Noted. [ He murmurs, the bliss settling after a moment. ] And - well, practicality of haircuts here and all ...

[ It doesn't make the gesture less directed at Gregor, though. He distinctly remembers that first time Gregor had run his fingers through his hair, and his resulting resolution to grow it out. How distant it feels now ... ]

[ Giving someone a massage who you have a telepathic link with is almost as good as getting one. (Much like sex.) Gregor makes his own little throaty noise at the residual feedback, and digs in harder at the tiny dense knot of muscle at the base of the skull.

That haircut excuse is obvious, and Gregor isn't fooled. A warm curl of fondness uncoils and drifts over, full and deep, like sinking into a hot bath. ] You're terrible for me, you know. You encourage all my worst traits, like making demands on your personal grooming. [ Before they were even dating. ]

[ Miles can only shrug fluidly at that. Is that all a bad thing? Eh ... he supposes he could see it. But mostly he finds it a pleasing thought to know he can bring Gregor joy with as simple a thing as his hair. It's not as though he much cared how he cut it before without any regs to adhere to here.

He will, however, greedily absorb that tendril of warmth from Gregor. It adds to the growing pool of light in the bottom of his psyche. ]

You could make a few more, you know. Hair is hardly anything at all.

[ It's more to do with Miles doing things for him, just because he wants them that way, him personally with nothing to do with Barrayar, that sends a secret guilty thrill through him. Old buried desires suffused with self-doubt and disgust, given a tiny breath on the surface...

His fingers still at this, that dark buried thing poised and listening. Cordelia keeps telling him there's nothing intrinsically awful about it. But surely in execution it can be, surely he has to be careful-- ]

Making demands of you, you mean? [ he asks to clarify, but mostly to stall. There's no way to press his weight down on him more thoroughly, cover him more completely, but God he wants to, this isn't enough. ] Like... when I forced you back up to your normal height.

[ Which he'd enjoyed immensely, safe and non-sexual and for a specific purpose as it was, for Miles's own good, nothing to do with whatever Gregor got out of it. Also something they haven't done since they'd gotten together. ]

[ Miles can't quite feel the depth of that, but he senses ... something. Something rather important, in all of that. It makes him turn back towards Gregor awkwardly, looking at him over his shoulder. ]

I rather liked that, you know. [ He calls up that memory of something deep inside him being set to hum, overlapped with Miles' giving up all of his control. Fully trusting of Gregor; fully confident in his friend's ability to set him to rights. It had been terrifying and exhilarating all in one breath. He calls it all up now for Gregor to see, to let him sort through the various levels of feeling if he likes. ] Every time you do that kind of thing in general - I like it very much.

[ It satisfies his need for dangerous while being as perfectly safe as anyone possibly can be. The mix is rare and electrifying. ]

[ God, he doesn't want to be looked at right now, seen with everything so exposed. Gregor trusts Miles so unconditionally, so absolutely, that he doesn't think twice about telling him this or showing him this, but his innate reflexes to hide everything, bury it down deep and kill it off outright if possible are impossible for him to dispose of. Accordingly he lets his face rest against Miles's bare shoulder, so they're speaking from mere inches away, voice muffled and soft, intimate.

It's only this proof he feels from his mind that lets Gregor even bring this up so bluntly. Miles does like it... he knows that. He's felt it before and here's the reminder. Every time he asks permission, he's not just told yes, he's given blanket permission. That amount of returned trust is awing, humbling, slightly terrifying. Because it removes his main objection. ]

... Your mother keeps telling me there's nothing inherently wrong in wanting things like that. [ Even so he edges into this sideways; but this is hugely revealing and he knows it, that he speaks to Cordelia about it and that he has to be told more than once that he's not wrong for it. ]

[ Miles tilts his head at that, leaning gently against Gregor's. He'll continue to broadcast that absolute trust as long as Gregor needs it.

Faint surprise tinges his thoughts at that reveal - Gregor talks to Cordelia about this? Ah, of course he would. It all makes perfect sense. ]

She's absolutely right, you know. A bit Betan about it, but the sensibility is sound. [ He drops his voice to a murmur, the words meant for Gregor's ears only. ] What do you want, Gregor?

[ But this is too fast a lead up to a topic too hard for him to admit outright. Gregor feels as if he's about to plunge off a cliff, say something he can never take back, that he's never actually given breath before. Because with Miles he could actually do this and he knows it; it's not just speculation.

His hands tighten on him. It all sort of comes out in a rush, an outpouring of familiar thoughts. ] I don't want to take advantage of you. Or abuse my power. Or-- or get caught up in it and... forget myself, or get too used to it and expect it...

[ And, of course, there's the basic fact that he's disgusted with himself for wanting it in the first place, which he's been trying so hard to keep from Miles, but here where it's not about Miles specifically and is just a general self-loathing, that is harder, he has less cause to keep it from him. Then there's how familiar Miles himself is with that sensation, of looking at yourself and seeing something twisted and shriveled and wrong. So the shape of this and the depth of it is probably starting to become obvious, along with just how long Gregor has struggled with this and kept it to himself. ]

[ Miles' first impulse is, naturally, to push the both of them off a cliff and figure out how to fly on the way down. Fortunately, sense prevails almost instantly - he's learned by now to be a bit more careful with Gregor - but the temptation lingers. He considers, for a moment, and wonders if there's some bridge between the two extremes. ]

I'd say you can't do any of that, but - [ Well. Such thoughts don't often listen to reason to begin with. Therefore, best not to approach on those grounds to begin with. ]Should we do something I want to do, then? Would that make it better?

[ Their previous brush with this had been to address Miles' needs, after all. Perhaps that's how he needs to frame it. ]

[ Oh. Yes. Miles likely doesn't even need the verbal follow up, an exhaled breathy, ] Yes, [ because that resonates through Gregor so cleanly.

It's too bad Gregor isn't more familiar with how this sort of thing usually works, or he'd realize that doing what Miles wants is how it normally goes, that his own desires are meant to focus around pleasing his partner. That his take on this is to be expected, where he shies away and sees something monstrous in using Miles for his own ends and his own enjoyment. But that's all the has for comparison, all he thinks of when he imagines it actually happening: those monsters that have come before him and exploited their position and their power. There's another way to do this, he hasn't quite realized yet.

But he does know for certain that as long as he's doing explicitly what Miles asks of him, it should be beyond reproach. He tries to gather a more coherent thought about this than blind relief at being given such an obvious out. ]

... When we did that, pulling you back up to normal, I wanted to do more. But I didn't because I knew you hadn't agreed to that beforehand, no matter how receptive you felt then. So I could-- I think I could stop myself, keep to what you ask. [ Gregor's not that far gone that he doubts himself in even that. At least not with Miles, who he loves so boundlessly and without reason. ]

[ Good. Miles echoes the relief in turn, glad to have found a way past the enormous rock in their path. He wants so very much for Gregor to get comfortable for this one day, to be able to ask Miles explicitly ... but at the same moment, he finds he doesn't mind the fact that they still have further to go. It stirs up his sense of forward momentum to have something to work towards.

That leaves him with the more immediate question of how to get started. He could replicate the first encounter easily enough - that had, in fact, been his first impulse. Just be completely stupid with his powers and make Gregor drag him back out of that hole. But laid out in this context, it makes him feel a bit weird to consider involving his abilities. Would he if that was what it took? Absolutely, and he hasn't completely taken the thought off the table. But it seems to him that he could get much the same effect without wading into a tangle of his own issues simultaneously. (As tempted as he is to just barge on ahead on that one too - it'd save him from having to actually deal with them himself - Gregor doesn't deserve it.)

So. Separate the two, if he can. He thinks back to that pleasant hum, the feeling of letting Gregor in completely to do as he likes. Surely that is perfectly manageable. ]

Can you show me? What you mean by more. I want to find out. [ He reaches over to Gregor mentally, to beckon him in. ]

[ Continued here. ]