maskormenacelogs | [CLOSED] it hurts until it stops, we will love until it's not

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[CLOSED] it hurts until it stops, we will love until it's not

WHO: Rick and Enid (later Carl)
WHERE: Xavier's School for ImPorts
WHEN: Saturday, April 16th. Evening.
WHAT: Rick returns from home, shell-shocked. Enid finds this mess.
WARNINGS: PTSD, allusions to brutal violence, and all the fun stuff that comes along with TWD universe.

[ There's never a moment when Rick returns to this world after heading home where he isn't disoriented. But this time it's far moreso than the last time. While he's not suffering from any physical injuries, the mental damage is deep. He can't get his mind off of the events he just witnessed, and even as he makes the familiar walk back to the school -- his eyes are wide, he's dazed and sweating as he relives every moment Negan toyed with them.

He barely notices that he isn't the only one making this trek, and when his eyes lift to meet Enid -- they are hollow and empty, like a man who has seen some serious shit. Rick is pale, looking about ready to collapse at any given moment. And he rubs his face. Although he does recognize her, he can't seem to bring himself to speak. It's as though he's forgotten how to speak entirely.

But her presence reminds him that he has to get back to Carl now. It's just that he doesn't know if he's ready to face his son. ]

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[Rick looks awful. On her way back to the dorms naturally she pays attention to everything and nothing in particular, but Rick's state is just that awful when she sees him that she can't help but notice. Or stop, pausing for a moment to gather what she's even seeing. The tentative smile that would have been for seeing him return is held back, and eventually she approaches him in concern because it's obvious he's not okay.]

Rick...?

[She calls as she gets closer to him, only keeping some space between herself and him because she's not sure how he'll react in his state. She keeps her hands to herself for this reason too.]

[ Hearing his name does jar him out of his thoughts a bit and he looks up at her -- eyes rimmed red and glassy. Enid. It's Enid. At least she's not part of the line up. At least she's safe back home in Alexandria. ]

Guess I'm...

[ He looks around for a moment, taking it in. ]

Guess I'm back, huh?

[She'll take it as a good sign that he snaps out of his thoughts a bit and moves a little more to his side. She still keeps her hands to herself, though.

Enid nods at what he says, confirming what he is able to put together.]

Yeah. You're in Heropa... Are you okay? What happened to you?

[Because of the way he looks, she doesn't expect any answers, but asks in case.]

I went home.

[ A vague response and he knows she means more. But he's unwilling to say any more than that. He pats his pockets for his keys after realizing he needs them, only to find he doesn't have them on hand. Well, shit. ]

Is Carl here...?

[ The question is not asked like a man who is eagerly anticipating seeing his son, but rather a man who is dreading facing him while in this state of mind. What if Carl is the one? It all happened so quick, Rick couldn't even remember where Negan was standing. Just that he wasn't standing in front of him when it went down. ]

[The answer doesn't thrill her exactly because she'd really like to know what happened to make him this way, but she can't really do anything about it so she focuses on what she can. And that's helping.]

Yeah. He's here...

Around somewhere.

[It's not like she keeps track of him all the time, but she does have a vague idea that he's out somewhere. His part time job or walking the puppy, or something. And sure she notices that Rick appears to dread the reunion he'll have with his son, but she also notices he doesn't have his keys so she has to offer:]

You want me to call him?

[ Does he? Or would he rather break into his house, take a long shower, and lock himself in his room for a while? He supposes he needs to face Carl sooner rather than later -- just to show he's back, he's alive, and tell Carl he survived the gunshot wound. And so he nods in response to her question. They never leave their door unlocked, so he doesn't even have to bother testing it to know he won't be able to get in but he can at least go inside out of the muggy heat and wait.

Rick doesn't say anything as he heads into the school, holding the door open for Enid almost like an afterthought. He may have been there physically, but mentally he's barely present. And it takes him a moment (he waits for her to get in touch with Carl first) before he asks: ]

What was the last thing that happened for you back home again?

[Okay. She takes Rick's nod as cue and digs out her phone to send a quick text to Carl without another word. It's just easier that way, she decides. A call meant having to wait 'til the other Grimes picked up and wasted time on having things explained to him, this way she was sure to get Carl's attention right away.

Once that is done with, Enid follows along side Rick and walks through the door he holds open for her. She didn't really expect him to hold it open for her at all so it doesn't offend her that it's an afterthought. She glances back at him after passing through, though. Was about to say thanks of some sort, but his question beats her to it.

She blinks, because, well, the last thing she remembered from before was when she left Alexandria, but now it was something else. The closet, and being locked in it because of Carl. That was not something she thought she should share with his dad. The Maggie thing was not something she was sure of sharing either, just because it made her feel more powerless to do anything. Still. She didn't feel like completely lying for no reason...]

The last thing, uh- I went home recently too. I was with Maggie when she keeled over with pain... Your group was going to bring her to a doctor.

[And that's it. If she sounds like she sort of has confidence that they got her there, it's because she does. She has to. Why Rick even looks the why he does isn't something her mind allows her to piece together. And she still looks with concern at him.]

[ So Carl was alone. That is the first thing Rick thinks about, which is better than thinking about what she just said. His son had to face this world by himself once more. What shitty timing. And yet, Rick is glad Carl didn't go home -- that he doesn't know. Which allows him to focus on Enid's words and makes him realize that she is right from the same damn day.

And she doesn't know either.

The horror is momentarily renewed on his face as he looks at her. And try though he might to pull it in, Rick can't. He forces his attention elsewhere, looking up at the ceiling. ]

So. You know about the Saviors. What went down with them in the compounds.

[ A beat. ]

I don't...I don't think we should tell him. Don't think Carl needs to know about it. All he needs to know is that he's alive an' well. Not that...

[ He reaches the outside of his door, his back hitting the wall as he slides to the ground to sit at wait. The look in his eyes is one of despair and hopelessness. ]

I made a mistake, Enid. A big mistake...

[That's right. She doesn't know a thing beyond guessing they left with Maggie and she was stuck in a closet until someone finds her, so naturally her concern grows in reaction to his renewed sense of horror, her own eyes widening. Why he looks that way kind of starts to click.

Something between them and the saviors??? At some point. She assumes.]

Yeah. I heard a little about that... Why?

[Of course it's a little. She wasn't there. As far as she knows, the group went in and came out with no causalities. And that was a little while ago, even. So why Rick acts increasingly unstable makes her grow more worried by the second. Her eyes flick between him and the hall a couple times, wishing it wasn't just her dealing with trying to help him right now.]

Tell him about the compound? [A pause.] ...What mistake?

[You're not making any sense, Rick.]

[ Carl was at work when it he received the text. When he sees the words something's wrong he immediately gets up and runs over to his boss, whom he startled when he barges into her office.

"Family emergency. Right now. I need to go."

He leaves before the woman can even begin to think of a response.

Carl wishes he had teleportation powers as he runs back to the school. Every step he makes is echoed by the frantic heartbeats, and it seems to take forever to finally approach the school grounds. He rushes up the stairs - screw the elevator, honestly, Carl can go up faster than that thing anyways - and burst out onto the third floor. He sees Dad and Enid and rushes to them. ]

Dad??

[ He goes down his knees next to Dad, and oh god, Enid was not kidding when she said something was wrong. He looks up at her, back at him and hugs Dad tightly before looking back to her again. ]

What happened?

Edited 2016-04-22 00:49 (UTC)

[ Rick is about to answer, about to tell her what happened when they finally came face to face with Negan. But they're saved by Carl's arrival. Rick barely has time to react when Carl's rushing toward them -- hugging him. He damn near flinches at the embrace, the guilt eating him alive. What right does he have to hug his son when he can't guarantee his safety?

It seems so surreal. Moments ago, there was hope. Carl said so himself. 'You're right, Dad. As long as we're together, we can do anything.' And then, Rick had turned out to be the biggest liar.

As soon as he reaches up to touch Carl, he suddenly tightens his grip on him, pulls him close and weeps. He's not sure if this is mourning the loss of whoever died at Negan's hand, his inability to protect those he cared about, or happiness that he gets to see Carl here right now. And he and Enid are safe. But words fail him at the moment, and all he can do is cling to his son in this moment of weakness. ]

[ Oh god, that answered his question. Something bad had happened. Did Carl die? No, Enid said - but what if Dad is after Enid's time?

Carl hugs Dad tightly, his head pressing against Dad's shoulder. Someone's murmuring little nothings, and he doesn't quite put together until later he realizes it was him who was saying things to Dad, like he's the scared child and Carl's the adult. Dad has always been someone that towers over Carl, but never menacing. Always strong and comforting. And now?

Dad feels frail and small in Carl's arms, and Carl doesn't know how to feel about that. ]

It's okay, Dad, I'm here . . . I'm here . . .

[ The same words Dad said to Carl as Carl returns from a Swear-In that ripped itself apart in fear. But things are different.

No one is going to hurt his family ever again. No one. ]

[ It seems like hours that he clings to his son, but it's only a few minutes. A few minutes to calm himself and regain his composure -- to remind himself that they're in this world and things are different here. Carl's alive and safe. Enid's here. Rick has family outside of his immediate group, too. He has to pull it together. For all of them.

Slowly, he rises to his feet -- sniffing and wiping his hand with the sleeve of his jacket. ]

We oughta get inside.

[ Reluctantly Carl lets Dad go and allows him the space to get him right on his feet.

He gives Enid a look, hoping she'll won't walk away this time. He needs her. ]

Alright. I got the door.

[ Although Carl realizes there is a surprise there that Dad probably not like. As he unlocks the door and opens, Rick might see the apartment as it is - except a part of the living room is cornered off with a crate, with a brown and white puppy looking up and wiggling his rump in excitement as he sees Carl. ]

Come on.

[Enid stands back letting the two have their moment, until Rick speaks up and Carl gives her look practically asking her to follow.

She was a little hesitant about it, eyes flicking between them both, not knowing if they would really want her there for everything, but in the end that look prompts her to follow anyway. As does her concern for Rick, really. She was already a part of this, so she may as well, she figures.

So she's right behind them when Carl unlocks the door.]

[ Rick doesn't even notice the crate, honestly. He's too focused on getting inside, on being able to take a seat and just mentally unwind for a little bit. He's back in this world. It's okay. It hasn't happened for them yet back home. This will all be fine. This is just a nightmare. A nightmare he can shake off while he's within this world.

He drops onto the couch, rubbing his face with his hands. ]

How long was I gone for? [ A pause. ] Did I miss anything? [ The question mostly addressed to Carl as both he AND Enid had gone home and she may have missed these things as well. ]

A week. Nothing major happened. Joel's returned just before you came back.

[ Carl realized that Enid doesn't know who Joel is. ] He's a friend of ours. [ As an aside to Enid. ]

I've also adopted a puppy. But that's it.

[Yeah. Enid doesn't have anything much of importance to provide to that, so she just remains quiet and lets Carl fill in the blanks.

And actually both her and Carl (somehow) adopted pets, she thinks, but it doesn't seem relevant on her end to chime in. She notes the name of Joel for the books, though.]

Is he now? Huh. Does he remember who we are?

[ Because sometimes people leave and when they come back, they forget. It hasn't happened to anyone Rick cares about just yet. But he knows it's only a matter of time. ]

He does. [ Which is really fortunate now, looking at Dad's state. He might need to call Tex or somebody for help.

The conversation is interrupted by a puppy's soft whining, whose excited wiggling is vibrating the crate. Carl goes around and opens it, picking up the puppy. It wiggles even more in excitement and starts licking Carl's chin. ]

Enid got me up to speed to where she currently is. Told me how I survived the gunshot to my eye.

[ But she didn't tell him who shot him. Would Dad know? ]

Right. After that- You're still alive where I'm from.

[Enid exhales in answer to that second part, giving a nod over to Carl as if snapping a little back to attention. Of course she didn't exactly fill him in on everything. Why? Partly because she didn't know some things for sure and partly because she only wanted to tell him the important stuff she thought would ease his mind.

Anyway, now what Rick could say has her attention. About Carl or what happened to him to make him come back so shaken especially.]

[ His eyes follow the movements with the dog, and he furrows his brows. Everything Carl is describing seems so long ago. Rick looks back toward Enid. Had she told him everything? Well, Rick can offer the full story right here and now because even if Enid told him, she hadn't experienced it. She wasn't there to see it happen. No point hiding that much. It would fill in all the blanks that Carl had been left to wonder. ]

Sam. He was the first one to get killed. The walkers got him. Jessie started screamin'. They got her too. But she was still holdin' your hand. She wouldn't let go. I had to...I had to cut her hand off to save you. But then Ron. He got a gun. He pointed it at me. He woulda killed me, but Michonne, she took him down. When she did it, though, he pulled the trigger. The bullet went off an' got you in the eye.

[ One whole family gone. And he was so close to losing Carl that day as well. ]

Got you to the infirmary. Denise, she saved your life. Unfortunately she ain't with us no more. We lost her along the way.

[ Carl's face slackens, his face dulled with muted horror. The screams. It was those screams. Sam and Jessie and Ron - all theirs. All dead, and Carl . . . ]

I don't understand. I took Ron's gun away from him before we left the house. Where did he . . . ?

[ He holds the puppy higher to his chest, like he would to Judith as he looks off blankly at the opposite wall. Carl's attempt at sparing Ron, trying to help him - it was pointless, in the end. His family wasn't strong enough to survive. He wasn't strong enough.

Carl failed to help Ron and his family. And now they are all dead. ]

And Judith?

[ Rick can't really answer that much. Everything happened so quickly, too quickly for him to notice that Carl's gun dropped in the chaos and Ron had picked it up. But he can put Carl's mind to rest about Judith. ]

We handed her off to Gabriel an' he took her to the church with him. She's safe.

[ Carl's surprised Dad even let Gabriel to touch Judith, let alone take her. He glances both at Enid and Dad. ]

Well. That's good.

What happened afterward? The herd?

[Enid couldn't really say anything about Ron when he came up, or Judith and Gabriel, and so on, but the part about the herd she could.

Rick still looks worse for wear in her opinion so when Carl glances between her and Rick, she takes the opportunity to answer, interrupting with:]

Everybody worked together to kill them off.

[She'd get into how she came back later, if he asked.]

Edited 2016-05-06 19:39 (UTC)

[ He looks toward Enid and offers her the faintest of smiles -- glad for her stepping into the conversation and also glad to be reminded of the best moment in these past couple of months, of them all banding together and fighting off the biggest threat Alexandria faced. ]

They did good. Everyone did. They all stepped in an' fought. An' in the end, we all survived.

Well. That's good.

[ Understatement of the year, but there you go. And in the end, not everyone survived. Sam died. Jessie died. Ron died.

Carl sits down next to his father on the couch. The puppy squirms out of Carl's grip, trying to reach to Rick. ]

So we rebuild the wall after that, right?

Edited 2016-05-07 01:26 (UTC)

[She acknowledges the faint smile with almost a little one of her own tugging at the corners, but stops just short of it to offer him a slight nod that feels his more appropriate. Then she glances back Carl's way.]

Yeah. For the last month or so. Everyone's been working to rebuild things, get food. It's the last thing we were doing.

[Again, not technically a lie. She's just not sure it'll help anything by speaking of how the group went off for Maggie's sake, when the focus here is between what Carl doesn't know and why Rick is looking shell shocked still. Of course a part of her wonders if Rick's problem is related that, but mostly she still hopes that it's something else and wants not to jump to conclusion.

So she falls quiet again, asking and saying nothing more as her eyes follow Carl's puppy in its scamper across the floor.]

[ Rick doesn't really know what to do with this approaching animal. So rather than do anything, he ignores it as though it doesn't exist. He's not ready to deal with that. And when Enid answers, there's another pale and horrified expression on his face. Rick had been so foolish. So arrogant. Without another word, he rises to his feet. ]

I need some rest. You guys can jus' go ahead an' do whatever you wanna do.

[ This is Rick's way of simultaneously avoiding and dismissing the topic of what came next. No rebuilt walls could protect them from the damage Rick does to them. ]

[ Even though Carl's only got one eye, he doesn't miss Dad's expression, and that ball of worry starts to bounce inside his stomach. Something is not adding up here. Either Enid is hiding more than she's actually telling, or Dad is. He can't see it to be both - what's the point of them colluding into hiding something from Carl, especially now there's no real danger that can befall on Carl if he learned the truth.

Carl looks back at Dad and Enid, a confused look on his face. Meanwhile the puppy - Carl hasn't really given him a real name yet - rears up and places his front paws on Dad's leg, wiggling his tail back and forth. ]

Okay. You sleep on it, Dad.

Edited 2016-05-08 16:05 (UTC)

[As far as it goes with his shell shocked return, she doesn't have any answers to why Rick is acting the way he is again so suddenly, which is why she turns to look back over at Carl. Every part of her silent, worried and just as confused at being told to go as Carl is.

However, knowing what it's like (or thinking she does), she respects what he wants and doesn't argue with it. Besides pushing whatever it is is probably not the best idea, she thinks. So Enid nods to Rick after a great deal of hesitance, edging to go.]

Okay... You'll let us know if you need anything, right?

[ Rick nodded, a bit offhandedly. And that was that. He dragged himself to his room, closed the door and for the next twenty-four hours -- that was where Rick would stay. ]

[ And the puppy tries to follow Dad, but only have the door closed to his face. He starts to whimper and looks back at Carl, as though Carl can open it for the puppy. Instead Carl just goes over and scoops the little puppy into his arms and approaches Enid, his following question a low but urgent whisper: ]

What the hell happened to him?

[Enid doesn't answer right away, instead she looks at Rick's closed door trying to figure out what just happened here. And she absent-mindedly pats the puppy on the head in response to its whimpers as she processes though, eventually turning her eyes to Carl and murmuring back.]

I don't know what happened to him. That's just the way I found him. He didn't say anything else.

[Nothing cluing her into his problem for certain, at least.]

[ Carl rubs his face. ]

Well, he won't tell me. That's a fact.

[ He won't say anything else. Because that's Dad. Carl is going to need to find someone Dad will talk to, if it's not going to be Carl. ]

[She frowns, not liking how she's seeing him act so matter of factly about how they can't do anything. He's the one that usually thinks they can do something, after all.]

No, I don't believe that. He was going to say something before, so we just wait until he does.

[That's what they'll do.]

No, I mean . . .

[ How can he explain it? ]

If it involves me, I think he will have a hard time talking about it. To me. He needs to talk about it. He needs someone else before he can talk to me about it.

[That's a fair point, actually, but she doesn't know who Rick's friends are, so--]

Who would that be then?

[She means who can they get. Because it doesn't seem as likely he'd talk to her, even if he seemed he was about to before.]

[ Kaneda and Tetsuo are out. They are close to Carl's age and that might hit too close to home for Dad, probably. Maybe Joel, but Joel just arrived and needs to get situated before he can do anything. ]

There's a woman named Tex. I think she can help.

[ Only because she's the only friend of Dad that Carl knows who is a) Dad's age and b) knows how to handle Dad. ]

[She nods at the suggestion, whoever that was anyway sounded like a good enough option to her.]

Okay, so call her. Get her over here to help.

Not now. Not yet. [ He's not going to force Dad into a corner. ] He needs space. I'll give him another day or so. Then I'll call her.

Edited 2016-05-20 20:52 (UTC)

[He needs space, he says. Which reminds her that's important here too. So she takes a breathe out, looking back at Rick's shut door before nodding to Carl. She's still worried, but he's right about that - so what else can she do?]

Yeah, I guess we give him time...

[Another breathe out.]

Let me know if you need anything else, or...if you want to hang out. I think I'll go home now.

I will.

Thank you, Enid. For watching over Dad.

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[CLOSED] it hurts until it stops, we will love until it's not

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