maskormenacelogs | You lose control

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You lose control

WHO: Count Dooku and Ken Kaneki
WHERE: Heave n' Leave, abandoned gym in Maurtia Falls
WHEN: Sometime in mid-March, after Dooku is fully recovered from the occupation
WHAT: The Count has Things to teach Kaneki
WARNINGS: Dark Side mindfuckery, possible (probable) reference to torture, murder and cannibalism

The owners of the Heave n' Leave had possessed a vision: a cheap, accessible big-box exercise location for Maurtia Falls' perpetually-burgeoning population of muscular toughs. Unfortunately, setting up the establishment had required a loan or two from the kind of people who tended to be very intense about getting their loans paid back. The owners hadn't paid, and now the Heave n' Leave was empty and awaiting resale while the whereabouts (and health) of its proprietors remained a mystery that the local police were investigating with their usual diligence (which is to say, almost none).

Count Dooku had selected the gym as a training ground for Kaneki because it had space, privacy, and was far cleaner than most of the other abandoned dirt-traps in the Falls. With most of the exercise equipment stripped away, he awaited his prospective student in the center of a bare floor. Dooku wore dark, loose-fitting clothing without his usual cape. His lightsaber was not visible on his body, but was near at hand- just in case.

Dooku had high hopes for Kaneki. The boy had power, and intelligence, and a seething mass of passions beneath that friendly smile of his. But considering his last two learners had tried to kill him, he saw no point in taking foolish chances.

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[ Kaneki didn't came prepared for a battle, which is to say he didn't bring his battlesuit or his mask, though for a ghoul they always have their weapon with them (their own body). Plus, he doesn't think Count Dooku is a bad person ~~ken no~~; the ghoul is one paranoid person, but he always tries to give everyone the benefit of doubt and so far, the man has been nothing but kind. He has no reason what so ever to distrust or be paranoid of him ~~ken~~.

So he brings pretty regular clothes - monochromatic because that's how he goes: black pants and white shirt, and a black vest with a black tie. His eyepatch is there like always covering his left eye - and as he arrives he is still that polite person with a smile that he wears as a mask ]

Good day, Count Dooku. Thank you for meeting me, again. [ he bows his head just a bit ]

[Such a polite young man. And he is already dressed in dark colours, so he's ahead of the Dark Side curve on that front. The Count nods a reciprocal greeting.]

Good day to you as well, Ken Kaneki. Thank you for agreeing to this learning. Please-

[He holds out a hand toward the ground.]

Seat yourself on the floor, and we will begin. The concrete will be uncomfortable- but that is part of what I have to teach you.

[Cushions are not the way of the Dark Side.]

[ they don't call it the dark side for nothing

kaneki looks at the floor for a second, though he does wonder. Isn't meditation supposed to be relaxing and comfortable? not that sitting on the floor bothers him so much, and so he sits on the floor as told ]

I don't know much about meditation. I've read a bit on the subject, but it's all very limited. I apologize in advance.

Apologies are for failure, Kaneki- and you have not yet begun to fail.

[That is the Darth Tyranus brand of encouragement for you. Now that their relationship is firmly established- now that Kaneki has submitted to his authority for these lessons- Dooku allows his voice and posture to take on a more stern, imperious bearing. This is how things should be, beyond all the politeness and fine courtesies. Count Dooku should command, and others should follow.]

Now then. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Concentrate on your breath going into the deepest part of your body, and coming back out. And then tell me... How do you feel?

[ kaneki has zero confidence in his abilities - unless they are about killing ghouls, then that's a whole different matter - so it's difficult to bring him down if he does fail.

But things get curious; what he pictures from meditation was something calm, soft, nothing that demanded authority. He isn't naive enough not to realize the strange take, but he won't comment on it yet.

He closes his eyes and tries to focus, as he was told to do. As he takes deep breaths, he recognizes the smells around him; ghouls have enhance senses, and though he isn't particularly amazing at this, he can tell what is around him. His own smell - the mix of human with the smell of a female ghoul - and Dooku's smell; it's actually a very delicious one and that's why kaneki is quick to try to focus on anything else.

Like the smell of the place around them; it's old, closed for far too long, almost dusty-like.

How does he feel, though? What answer should he give to that? Kaneki feels a lot and he usually just shoves everything away and pretends all his fine ]

... I'm not sure. [ it's not a lie ] Maybe restless. I'm not used to quiet. [ to be quiet. Or silence in general. ]

[You're in a whole different world of meditation now compared to Saint Walker's soft, soothing coddling. Welcome to Dooku's world- the world of power and extremely uncomfortable sitting positions.]

There is no quiet. There is passion- the noise within yourself. That is why you are here: to gain mastery over your emotions. But how will you control them if you cannot even recognize them for what they are? Be honest with yourself- you are feeling far more than restless right now.

[With hands clasped behind him, the Count begins to walk around Kaneki as he lectures in the strong, deep voice he used even as a Jedi Master, decades ago. As he speaks, he also senses- including the revolting sensation of this cannibal thinking that Dooku smells appetizing. Kaneki really is a vile creature.... But one with its uses, nonetheless.]

Concentrate for a moment. Breathe, and focus inwards- upon the self. And then tell me again: how are you feeling?

[ how does he know. Kaneki feels a lot, but he sure doesn't show it; mostly because Kaneki's emotions are messy and messy things make everything terrible - not just for himself. In fact, Kaneki keeps himself in check all the time, on the verge of spilling out but still in check.

Controlling his emotions is something he'd like to do to stop that overbearing feeling that he is about to explode, but if that means he has to recognize them and reach for them... then he is a bit wary.

He falls silent and worries his lower lip for a second, but again he is ready to try. What is he feeling? Past that turmoil of audible hallucinations he constantly hears - past Rize's sweet voice that whispers in his ear when he least expects, past Yamori's rough voice that seems to want to consume him, past that sound of a scratching centipede inside his ear.

(There is no quiet, no. Kaneki's head hasn't been quiet in such a long time. The silence around him makes it obvious.)

How is he feeling, really? ]

Weak.

[ so goddamn weak. He is so so weak, and no matter how hard he tries, no matter what he does, he continues to be so. And that's why he also feels: ]

Frustrated.

[ and ]

Angry.

[ and ]

Hungry.

[ not just for food, though he is constantly hungry for food as well; but he is, above all, hungry for power. Power so he can stop being weak. That's why he killed so many ghouls: to take their power away and take it for himself ]

Good... good. There is power in stating the truth.

[Warmth creeps into Dooku's voice, warmth and charm. If he is reading Kaneki right, this is a young man who could use all the approval he can get. But he does not want to give away his powers- people tend to get cranky when they find out you've been reading their hearts without asking, so...]

You put great effort into denying your passions. Your discipline does you credit. But I have had a long lifetime in which to learn things about these matters: about how to conceal, and how to perceive. This can be part of your learning, if you wish it.

But for now, I want you to continue your focus. Answer another question for me- it is the brother and sister to the first. What do you want?

[Possibly the most important question in the philosophy of the Dark Side, the foundation upon which all else is built upon. And Dooku knows Kaneki wants very much, very badly- that he is hungry in ways that have nothing to do with flesh. Nobody could be this miserable if they were not being denied that which they want.]

[ stating the truth is power? kaneki doesn't think so; it only shows how powerless he truly is. And he really does feel so, not just because he is admitting it to someone else, but because he has admitted so to himself long before. he knows his weakness.

Also insanity. It is a reason why he feels so powerless too; the smallest thing triggers him into a spiral of madness. He has fought so much for control of himself, and he has none, either.

So Kaneki wants a lot of things. And they truly come from a selfless or a selfish place; the line between the two is thin. Kaneki is lonely and he doesn't want to be lonely anymore; he doesn't want to lose any more people, because that will only leave him even more lonely. And in order not to lose others, he needs more strength and power. Kaneki is also so tired and he wants to end it all, literally; suicide is also something he wants - again for both selfish and selfless reasons.

but right now, he can't die: strength is the only thing he can try to have ]

... I want to become stronger. I'm too weak, and I can't do anything, I can't protect anyone.

Admitting your weakness is the first step towards destroying it.

[Count Dooku: offering rehab for not being strong enough. And he is the higher power which can grant salvation.]

You are quite right, of course. You weren't able to protect anyone during your abduction or the occupation, were you? Very few of us were. Our enemies made us their toys.

But you are not alone. All imPorts must become stronger. You, at least, understand that need- and are willing to work towards improvement.

[A touch of shame and a touch of pride in the same breath. The Count ceases his circling and steps forward to where Kaneki is sitting.]

I want you now to focus on your anger. On the frustration you feel with your shameful weakness. Controlling and using your rage will grant you the strength you desire. What has made you so angry?

[ all hail savior dooku

And hearing that he couldn't protect anyone during the abduction or the occupation just leaves Kaneki with a bad taste in his mouth, because it's true. He was so, SO useless, and so many people got hurt - close friends.

However, that's when he stops he train of though because focusing on the anger, on the frustation and rage is just a huge no for kaneki ]

Count- I'm sorry. I understand you are teaching me and helping, and I'm so grateful but I can't-

Please believe me when I say this is dangerous. [ you do NOT want a crazy cannibal monster going mad, dooku ~~so kaneki thinks~~ ] I'm dangerous. [ and Kaneki isn't gloating ]

[Dooku smiles. What a kind young monster he has discovered, here.]

Dangerous? Yes, dangerous you are- and more dangerous you must become, if you truly want the strength you seek.

[He leans forward, not quite infringing on the ghoul's personal space but brushing right up against the edge of it.]

But please, do not worry about me, Kaneki. I have forgotten more about rage than you may ever know. I have mastered the power you are only beginning to explore. I have no fear of whatever your anger may unleash.

Now, again- focus on your frustration. Do not be afraid. Feel the power roaring inside you!

But I'm not-

[ Dooku has no idea what a ghoul is, and he certainly doesn't know what a rampant ghoul is either. Specially one who isn't right in the head. One that gets triggered at every little thing and goes into a downright spiral of madness and violence, even towards the people he wants to protect.

But Kaneki's mind is extremely loud, he is constantly hallucinating and he loses grip on reality the more he focus on the hallucinations rather than what is real. And his anger and frustration comes in part from them, too. Kaneki can be sent into a wave of madness just from this and honestly? He isn't planning on allowing that. ]

You don't understand, this isn't power - I'm not- right. [ he is insane. ] In my head, I mean- [ he doesn't want to call himself crazy out loud but he really is ]

... Count, I'm not human and I can do pretty terrible things. [ like trying to eat Dooku's face if he loses it ]

[Dooku chuckles for a moment, deep in his throat.]

Dear boy. Did you really think I would embark on this meeting with you without doing the most basic research first? I already know you are not human. Ken Kaneki, the cannibal imPort. The ghoul whose file was leaked- on multiple occasions, from what I understand. Yes, I know this.

[And he knows Kaneki is damaged, in his mind and his heart. To the power of the Dark Side, a person like Kaneki is a beacon of pain and wrath and delectable potential for violence. The Count lowers his voice, as though they were in an intimate place and not the concrete expanse of an abandoned gym.]

I am not afraid of you, or your power. I can easily defend myself, if need be. You can be yourself around me, Kaneki. You can let go.

[ It's not a secret; Kaneki's files have been leaked multiple times and he has talked about it in front of the network. he has called himself a monster, a cannibal, and yet everytime he hears someone else saying it outloud, it just feels even worse because of how REAL it becomes.

Kaneki looks away as Dooku speaks. he isn't sure about the man being able to defend himself against a ghoul, of all the things, but he is certain that he wouldn't be able to face a kakuja.

Still, Kaneki can allow some of it, at least. Some. ]

... The russians made me angry. Their actions, the way they see us as things - the way they hurt her. [ Hinami, Kaneki's "cannibaby" aka, his little sister ] The way they brainwashed her.

I'm angry at the Porter that keeps sending everyone I love away, while it keeps me here to wallow in my own madness while I try to pretend I don't feel like snapping.

I'm angry at myself...! I was too weak to do anything, all I could do was watch like a pathetic piece of shit. I can't do anything! I can't control my kakuja, I can't even control my own hunger! And I keep seeing all the things I swore I'd be stronger than, and yet it just feels like I'm not even close to them, that I can't surpass anyone!!

I'm angry at fucking psycho Kanou who turned me into this monster thing! And angry that I did consider joining him despite everything! And I'm angry at my mom who left ME!!

[ A lot of this won't make sense to Dooku but Kaneki doesn't seem to care. After you pile up all the things inside of you, the smallest crack is enough to cause an avalanche. But Kaneki has so many issues; from feeling weak and unable to protect anyone, from feeling lonely and even mommy issues. And everything comes tumbling down and Kaneki's left eye finally reacts; he is wearing the eyepatch, so Dooku won't notice, but red veins spread across his cheek.

Congratulations on your lovely Pandora box, Dooku ]

[What is happening.

Dooku was expecting something dramatic. He was expecting an outpouring, maybe some gritted teeth or tears, yelling maybe. He was ready for the possibility of violence. But the transformation taking over Kaneki in both voice and body is... Something else.

~~Any resonance he secretly feels with Kaneki's last grievance is to be strictly denied and ignored, especially by Dooku himself. His mother didn't leave him. No, she chose to send him away... forever.~~

Dooku steps forward, leaning in closer to observe those veins spreading across Ken's face, knowing his peril but arrogantly certain he can master the situation. His nerves cannot be heard in his voice as he praises Kaneki's pain:]

Good. At last, you have stopped pretending. This is progress- excellent progress.

[ a shame Kaneki doesn't have many more tears to shed. But his anger doesn't involve that, no.

he has stopped pretending? No, he hasn't. Kaneki still has so much inside his head and he might have said it out loud, he can't because now the hallucinations come. he looks back at Dooku, panting, frowning and then it's like something - someone - pulls him down. The man in front of him won't see them, but to Kaneki, it's as if they are there.

He sees a woman clinging to him, and a man with a mask follows too, while a centipede sliders through their bodies. Kaneki almost screams, but all he can do is to suddenly get up and step back as his breathing becomes more and more shaky and right now, he doesn't remember Dooku is there.

He did warn him: Kaneki IS insane.

The ghoul clings to his own head and finally screams incoherent words, while he tries to escape those illusions that wrap their arms around him ] Let go, let go-!! This is my body!! MINE- Eat AWay- being EATEeenn- Don't- eat! Eat eat eat- stomach full! Mother- I'm so fucked up! [ his hands pull away the eypatch as he screams, still pulling and tugging at the white hair, hunching as if he is trying to protect himself, but between his incoherent screams something else comes: ]

Why- why can't I leave?! Why am I alive?! Let me die-let me die!! [ Kaneki has many issues, but one of the biggest ones is that he is suicidal, too. He wants to die and it seems that no one allows him that. Not the Porter, not the nanites. He was brought here and he is forced to live a life he doesn't want anymore. Finally he looks back at Dooku, his left eye black and red and finally he cries ]

I just want to rest-

[ and because life is never easier, suddenly from Kaneki's lower back six blood red tendrils come out - quite angrily too, because the first thing they do is to trash anything close to Kaneki. You better step back, Dooku. ]

[Holy fuck.

Reflexes sharpened by the Dark Side, Dooku leaps away from the erupting tendrils with speed beyond that of an ordinary human. He lands at a (relatively) safe distance, one hand raised to call upon the Force, the other poised to draw his lightsaber should he need it- but he does not attack. The last thing Kaneki needs right now is more pain inflicted on him, and Dooku remains confident he can dodge his wrath for now.

Kaneki has completely lost it, but his raw suffering does not interest the Count as much as the power displayed by those tendrils as they rip and scar the concrete around them. This is what Dooku wants, what he needs. Raw, primal strength, awaiting discipline and direction. The Dark Side is all about granting the user their desires- and if Kaneki desires death, well, Dooku will happily make that happen for him... In return for certain services.

Dooku watches the tendrils flail for another moment, then speaks again, his voice still booming with cool command, as though he was not unsettled at all by what he is witnessing.]

Kaneki! You must regain control. Concentrate! Recall your breathing- focus on my voice.

[He pauses, calculating the best way to break through the howling winds of madness he senses rushing through the ghoul's mind. The answer comes swiftly:]

Your power is great, but needs control. Kaneki- you cannot protect anyone in this state.

[Now, he'll see how that works. And keep his hands poised for defense, in case the monster lunges at him in its madness.]

[ kaneki doesn't notice the reflexes, or anything around him really. All he sees are hallucinations of people who've haunted him, people he has killed, people he has lost. The kagune continues to trash around, stabbing the walls and the floor violently, spreading across the room and even hitting the ceiling in their madness. The turmoil of emotions continues inside Kaneki's head and he is just so sad, so angry, and so so tired.

Despair, that's what they call it, right?

But he isn't entirely lost just yet. He registers Dooku's voice, and what he tells him - it's true, he can't protect anyone in this state. he needs to stop, he needs to calm down. Though the tendrils swing again and smash against the closest furniture - destroying it completely - suddenly they stop moving; not entirely freezing in place, as they still twitch and the tip waves, but the violence comes to a halt.

And Kaneki is muttering again, but Dooku will hear it: numbers. In fact, he is counting down from 1000 by sevens. 993, 986, 979, 972... he keeps going and going and that grounds him. Focusing on the sequence and the numbers, eventually brings him back, while he just sits down on the floor and drops his head as he silently cries. Finally there are tears, but it's questionable if they are from anger, from sadness, or just because the whole episode is finally over.

The kagune doesn't disappear. It lays on the floor and it sliders back to Kaneki, draping on the floor around him while it still twitches and sways a bit. When he reaches about the number 636, he finally switches his mantra to something else ]

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to... I'm sorry...

[A countdown. So, he has been living with this madness long enough to develop coping strategies for these episodes- and retains the strength of will and of mind to implement them, even in a frenzy. Another good thing to know.]

It is all right, my boy. I meant what I said to you: you can let go around me. I am not afraid, and I do not judge you for your pain. I am here to help you.

[With that, the Count does something rare and risky. He moves closer to Kaneki- taking care not to step on those kagune tendrils twitching on the floor, and kneels to offer the ghoul his arm. When Kaneki is ready to regain his feet, he will find a ready and willing hand to help him up.

Unless he loses it again, in which case even Dooku's power will be hard-pressed to save him from being shredded.]

[ The count would be surprised to learn that it wasn't Kaneki who developed this coping mechanism, not at all; the person who tortured him for ten days straight taught him. Because he wanted Kaneki to remain awake and aware of everything that was being done to him.

~~Then again, maybe that's not really surprising if you take a look at kaneki's canon like what the hell.~~

When Dooku approaches, Kaneki flinches and his tendrils wrap even closer around Kaneki, like he is protecting himself not really from an upcoming attack but mostly in response to Kaneki's feelings. It's when the man is near that he looks up, at the hand first and then back at the man's face. ]

I shouldn't have done that- I'm sorry. [ Dooku will learn that Kaneki apologizes A LOT.

And yet he reaches for his hand, though what gives Kaneki's impulse is the kagune that moves in order to get Kaneki back up on his feet. And once he is, it finally vanishes into thin air, leaving behind a small red dust that does too evaporate. ]

[Even as he has his supportive and reassuring mask on his face, Dooku's eyes remain calculating, watchful, observant. So the tendrils evaporate rather than retract into the body... what a curious creature he has here.]

Sorry? Come, now. The Soviets should be sorry for abducting you. For warping her mind. This 'Kanou' should be sorry for transforming you. Your Mother should be sorry- very sorry indeed. All those who have brought you pain ought to be sorry.

[With his free hand, Dooku pats Kaneki's shoulder, trying to soothe. It's not exactly his most practiced act, but he can manage a reasonable facsimile of it.]

Do not be sorry. You have been hurt so very badly... anger is only natural as a response to such pain. Your wrath is justified. It is righteous.

[ been hurt badly? He doesn't think this is only about himself, but if they are being honest, it's because those things hurt him a lot that he is messed up like this. He hears Dooku in silence, and eventually looks back at the man.

he remembers that he just had his kagune out and so his hand reaches to his lower back to feel his ripped shirt. ]

... I'm sorry you had to see that. I usually control it well. [ also the eye. ] It didn't hurt you in any way, did it? [ even if it was just a splinter from the furniture kaneki destroyed, he will also apologize for that ]

[This boy really does resist selfishness, doesn't he? A fine quality in a tool, but a poor one in a person who is learning the philosophies of the Dark Side. Dooku can tell he will have much more work ahead of him in order to get Kaneki to embrace the power that comes from doing what you want. Fortunately, doing what you are told seems like a much easier sell, here.]

I am unharmed. It is as I said: the techniques I have mastered grant me protection against even your power.

[Satisfied that the storm has passed, the Count resumes his previous stance, straightening up with hands behind his back.]

Your control is tight enough to deny your full strength- yet without control, that strength cannot be properly used. But together we will create a stronger combination, you and I. One which will give you what you desire.

[He uses 'combination' deliberately- 'balance' is a Jedi term.]

I know this first session has been difficult, Kaneki. But I do hope you are willing to continue with our practice. We have already learned so much today. The path I mean to show you is a harsh one... but its rewards are great.

[ Dooku has no idea. Kaneki was literally beat into becoming selfless by his mother when he was little and not until so long ago he believed that it was better to hurt than to hurt others, and that's what made a person kind, and that's how happiness would be achieved. So he has a lot of weight on him about being selfless.

Kaneki nods, glad to know Dooku is well, though he is unable to look back at the man for too long. ]

This strength... I did everything to have it, I went to extremes for it, I wanted more and I still do. But I'm not able to control it. So I just... [ don't use it ] I've hurt people with it. I've killed people with it, people who- didn't deserve any of that. People I cared for. [ and that eats him away too. that's why he doesn't like this power, even if he reached for it like a hungry wolf. ]

It hasn't helped me here, either. [ not with the soviets, not with the kidnappings, not with the Hornets, not with... anything, really. ]

Count, I'm not sure if we will be able to control that. [ but he is at a point that he just needs to move. Because he is so damn stuck, and he just wants to move now. ] But... I'm so tired of being wrapped.

[The Count unclasps his hands to lay a comforting touch on Kaneki's shoulder. Inwardly, he is amazed. There seems to be no bottom to this boy's dysfunction- the emotions he senses are fully in line with the disturbing words coming from his mouth.]

We can. We will. I have mastered far more difficult challenges than this, and you have endured too much to accept defeat by any obstacle.

You should go home and rest now. We will continue later in the week. Think about what I have said- about what we have revealed together.

[Killed someone he cared for in the name of power? Another parallel to Dooku's much-denied and rarely-acknowledged personal life. His best friend, Sifo-Diyas, had been the first murder he committed as a Sith Lord: a sacrifice on the altar of the Dark Side, to gain the strength needed to reshape the Galaxy. A troubling coincidence. Dooku has no wish to see much of himself in this contemptible, scarred, wretched beast.

It never pays to get emotional regarding one's tools.]

[ he is just being truthful to someone who wants to help him ~~ken, no~~

Kaneki nods softly again as he hears the man. Not having someone giving up on him after everything is... strange. Alien, even. because Kaneki is always so sure he will lose everyone the second they see what he is. The kind words and the kind touch over his shoulder are strange too; he always expects people to run away, people to call and see him as a monster. he expects to be shunned and he expects to be left alone.

he finally looks back at Dooku, not entirely sure what to say at all of it ]

... thank you. [ he is, so thankful. ] Thank you, Count Dooku.

[ Kaneki will think about it, of course, and more than ever, he will gladly continue ]

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You lose control

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LMK if this isn't ok and I'll edit

It is!

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