maskormenacelogs | [CLOSED]

Entry tags:

[CLOSED]

WHO: Rick Grimes and Tetsuo Shima
WHERE: A secluded patch of woods in Nonah
WHEN: A nice afternoon in March
WHAT: An outing with his not!son wherein Rick teaches him all about guns.
WARNINGS: Maybe mentions of character death, but otherwise none.

[ It's been something Rick has been meaning to do ever since he gave Tetsuo the gun -- but with one dramatic thing happening after the next, the whole training had been delayed until this very moment. And in Rick's mind, it can't wait any longer. Not now that they're at war. Tetsuo needs to know how to defend himself in case they lose their powers. He needs to have the skillset to shoot a target where he wants to shoot them, no luck involved.

And so to practice that, Rick has a few targets set up -- some small, some large. He also has some sandwiches, chips, and drinks packed in a cooler and set aside for when they feel like taking a break. ]

You get the chance to use that gun last month?

[ Rick hates that he had lost track of what happened to Tetsuo during the Russian occupation. Even if he was imprisoned by the Russians, he still should have been able to find a way to check in on him. Somehow. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Going into the bag, he pulls out a few metallic items and assembles them real quick. It almost looks like a telescope in its shape. But from the parts, it's evidently some kind of launcher. Rick pulls out a few red disk-like objects. ]

They call these clay pigeons. I'll load 'em up in this little machine here an' it should launch 'em up into the air. When it comes to moving targets, it's more about anticipating where it's gonna go. You'll use the same tactic you did with the other targets -- get the gun up to your eye to aim. But you're gonna aim for where you think the target is gonna fall in a few seconds.

Oh, I get it. It's a little like that if I tried to grab something moving.

[SAME THING, RIGHT? It's not.. not at all. But he's familiar with the concept. Video games also.. you had to do that in some of them.

How hard can it be to do it 'for real'?]

Yeah, I guess?

[ A little bit. Maybe. Sort of. ]

Anyway, you got the basics. So we'll see where you're at with the advanced stuff. You ready?

[ He glances over at Tetsuo, and then launches one of the clay disks up in the air. Rick watches it and Tetsuo's progress. And no matter whether he hits or misses it, it doesn't stop him from asking the question that's been burning on his mind since they came out here from the start. ]

How've things been on your end?

[With a confidence he doesn't really feel, Tetsuo raises Orochi up, trying to track the disk. It sails serenely through the air, unimpeded by trees, wind, or bullets. It also doesn't respond to being yelled at. It does, however, implode on itself a second later when Tetsuo's impulsiveness gets the best of him.

It's dead, but he doesn't feel much better for it. He still missed.]

Fine.

[Not remotely fine, and Tetsuo's a bad liar.]

[ Rick can't help the smile that breaks on his face as Tetsuo uses his alternate method to take care of the disk. He figured it was only a matter of time before the teenager decided to rig things in his favor with that power of his. ]

Alright. Same principle as your power. Only this time with the gun. Actually, think you could move the bullet to where you want it with that power of yours?

[ He launches a second disk off into the air, and only then does he address the poorly laid out lie. After all, Rick's strategy here is to get Tetsuo talking while he's concentrating on something else. ]

You sure you're fine? 'Cause we did go through a hell of a month in February.

Of course I'm sure! I'm still here!

[When all else fails, get defensive. That's a good way to convince anybody that this isn't just wishful thinking and that he might not be as okay as advertised. Fear of being at the epicenter of a nuclear strike weighs heavily on his mind - almost as heavily as what that ninth hour did to his psyche. It was easy to try to lock that away, brush aside trauma as best he could and live in denial the second he was able. It's not easy to admit; as far as Tetsuo has noticed, tailored to the narrow scope of what he looks for... strong people don't know fear at all.

That's what he always did. There wasn't any other option in his experience - deal and move forward, doing everything he can to keep going no matter how bad the damage is. It's easily more than clear by now that Tetsuo has no idea how to move past anything on his own.

As the second disk sails, Tetsuo shoots at it again. It's hard to trace a bullet going away from him; towards, he has to feel it coming, and it starts to stop before he's even noticed it consciously. Actively grabbing it and altering its trajectory proves to be far harder than hitting a moving target is.

For a moment, he can almost feel it in his grasp. But then it's gone, and the disk escapes alive.]

Shimatta!

[Eyes trying to see if he can figure out where it went while he was trying to catch his bullet.]

Throw another one! I can get it!

That ain't the same thing. Trust me. I know.

[ And Rick can understand Tetsuo's method of internalizing things -- of pushing them back and pretending they don't exist. It's the same method he uses to keep going strong and appearing like the leader his group needs and deserves. But maybe, while the two of them are out here -- maybe it's time to drop that facade a little bit. Maybe if Rick is the first one to do so, Tetsuo would find himself in a place where he could do the same.

It's a struggle, but Rick forces himself to talk about it. ]

I got killed briefly durin' the Russian occupation. Betrayed by the imPorts I thought I could trust 'cause they couldn't be assed to tell me 'bout their plan an' viewed me as a threat standin' between them an' LACKEY. An' they told me it was my fault for defendin' myself an' the machine I spent a whole goddamned week with -- the machine that, yeah, was fuckin' with people. But the one who was keepin' me alive an' stoppin' the Russians from torturin' an' hell, even killin' me themselves. They stormed right in there, actin' like they were gonna kill him. I tried to protect him from that an' they killed me for it.

An' I've been pretendin' -- for Carl's sake that I'm fine. That it's no big deal. But you know better than anyone. How goddamn traumatizin' it is to get killed by people you thought you could trust. So I can understand it, Tetsuo. Whatever you're facin'.

[ His hands tense, his jaw squares and he looks back down at the launcher before sending another disk into the air. Once again, it's easier to look and focus on other things than it is to make eye contact. And Rick's sure Tetsuo feels the same way. ]

[Ice grips at his throat, sending a cold shock through his veins at the words. He doesn't want to hear this. He doesn't want to KNOW this. He doesn't want-

The disk sails into the air, and this time, Tetsuo locks onto it instantly with his mind, letting that feeling of knowing exactly where it is guide his hands up, his eye tracking it.

He still misses, but he's a lot closer than he was. The disk breaks belatedly in the air, too long after he's fired.]

No, you don't...

[But he doesn't sound sure at all about that; the denial is too soft, already unsteady, made more out of fearful obligation than any fact. He's too tense, not daring to look at Rick and not quite daring to look completely away. That tension only builds in his shoulders, leaving him in a loop of what is he supposed to do? How can he get out of this? There's few things scarier than someone else genuinely knowing what it's like, although he's wanted that understanding his whole life. It also comes with Rick knowing he's not as strong as he wants to be.

He never has been...

And Tetsuo knows, if he starts talking, he'll never stop. He was always like that. He'd leave things hanging until they grew too large for him to handle, and eventually it'd all explode on him. But he doesn't have the control he wants on that, either.]

[ Tetsuo is getting better. The less he thinks about what he's doing, the easier it seems to become. The kid has a natural talent, brilliant instincts. He only needs to trust himself a bit more. It doesn't escape his notice either when the disk explodes before hitting the ground. ]

Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't. But I come pretty goddamn close. You can talk about it to me. You can say what's on your mind. I won't go tellin' Kaneda or even Carl. What goes on between us stays between us. I promise you that.

[ He looks down again at the disk launcher. There are still a few left, and so he sends one up into the sky once again. ]

Or you can not talk about it. You can keep it to yourself, bottled up inside. I ain't gonna fault you for it. I do the same thing 'cause that's the only way -- the only way you can look strong for your group. I won't press you to say things you don't want to say. I jus' want you to know that I'll listen. I'll offer my perspective. I'll help what I can 'cause you mean a lot to me. You're like a son to me.

[ A confession that he feels he owes Tetsuo this far into their relationship. ]

[Tetsuo freezes completely, not even daring to breathe. He almost bites his tongue from surprise, disk instantly forgotten just before he took the shot. It's an entirely different, older fear that grips him now, memories of being herded down a hallway, handed off to a stranger welling in his mind and stinging painfully at his eyes.

He has to have misheard that.

But no... he hasn't forgotten an earlier conversation in harsh whispers, Rick's weight heavy against his shoulder. And another, in the living room of Nonah 05.

It shouldn't be a surprise at all. But each time, he'd shoved what he didn't want to deal with to the side; the confession striking him all the more harshly for the truth he could feel underneath it. It'd be as easy to scream defiance and whirl on him then and there as it is to do nothing at all, rooted to the spot in shock and denial.]

Wh...at did you say?

[But once it's said, now he can't unhear it, or author it to something else. He gets a single breath in, harsh to his own ears.]

[ It would be tempting to play coy and ask 'which part?' or repeat one of the more useless things he said. But Tetsuo does need to know the magnitude of what Rick feels toward him. He was the very first person Rick called a friend outside of his son. He was the very first person who got Rick to care about what happened to the imPorts in this world. Tetsuo is part of his group now. He's family. And so, a bit firmer than before: ]

I said you're like a son to me.

[ His eyes drift over to the teenager who had grown immeasurably during his time here. From the punk kid who only wanted to prove himself to the kid who came to realize he didn't have to prove himself better than Kaneda. Even despite what Tetsuo had to go through, Rick is so glad he got to see his arc and how he got there. His eyes drift to the pistol. Orachi. And he smiles. ]

Couldn't really be prouder of you. Where you came from and where you got to, you know?

[He ducks his head, even though his back's already to Rick, feeling his eyes sting. It's not a cold, bitter feeling. It's one that terrifies him almost above dying. Try as he might he can't shake that sense that today that's true, but tomorrow he can't guarantee.

But 'like a son' is different. There's still a small shred of a safe barrier to cling to.

Rick left once, but he came back. They didn't touch base all that often, but they didn't really need to.

His shoulders hunch, Orochi hanging limply in his hand, all but forgotten. He's been told he did good work, or that someone's happy with something he did. He used to try so hard to win that sentence from someone, doing his best no matter what. He used to write in neat, careful lines as taught, putting down each stroke with careful precision, and draw pictures for people, and wait for years for his parents to realize they made a mistake and if he just could work hard enough, someone would want him.

Slowly, his handwriting devolved into illegible angry, tiny slashes meant for no one to read. He only drew technical drawings in class. He gave up waiting and started to run. He stopped caring altogether about it, because it wasn't like it applied to him. It never would.

And all running away did was get him chased down by the police and thrown under the wheels of society. That's all people saw in him. He lost all hope and faith in himself and the world, clinging to pride to keep him going.

All of those feelings he thought he'd destroyed a long time ago well underneath those tears, finally getting what he'd been so desperate to earn. It's stupid. It shouldn't mean anything at all!

So why isn't he turning around to face him? Why is that so impossible?]

You... are?

[His voice sounds small, even to him. Like he's still tasting the sentence, testing the waters to see if he'll drown if he even touches the surface.]

I am.

[ Rick had never sounded so sure of something in his life. He moves away from the disk launcher and approaches Tetsuo -- making certain his footsteps are audible because he doesn't want to catch him off guard and get thrown into a tree. But when he's within arm's reach, his palm comes out to rest against Tetsuo's shoulder. It's offered with an affectionate squeeze. ]

I didn't think I'd meet someone here that I could bond with, you know? My world left me so damaged. Can't trust anyone the same. But I remember meetin' you. You jus' got done raidin' that pharmacy an' instead of judgin' you, I thought 'this guy knows how to survive an' get the things he needs.' I always respected you. Right from the beginning.

[ Is this helping? He doesn't know. Rick isn't sure whether Tetsuo wants to really hear all of this. But at the same time, part of the relationship between them is that he's always been honest with Tetsuo. And now isn't any different. Whether Tetsuo wants to hear it or not, he's getting the full honest account. ]

But as I got to know you, that's when I started to care about you like one of my own.

[ He chooses his words carefully because he thinks they'll be easier for Tetsuo to hear, but even though they aren't quite saying it outright, the meaning is there. Rick loves Tetsuo the way a father loves any of his children. ]

[Almost every instinct screams that this is where he should call it and back out. Rick's too close. But that time came and went a long time ago, and chance intervened before he could let impulse decide for him permanently. Since then,he'd been hanging indecisively over the issue, swinging like a pendulum between wanting to give in and wanting to shut out.

Because one day... Rick won't be there.

Almost every instinct, but not quite. One practically screams to let him in closer, and this time, in the paralyzing indecision that he'd been stuck at for ages... the smallest, youngest voice gets through loudest.

His shoulders tense under Rick's hand. They might be shaking slightly. His head can't lift up to face him, and he knows it's the more cowardly option to have to hide but at least he's not running now, that's something.

Rick speaks the truth. He always has. Tetsuo no longer questions if that's the case, it's been too long with too many unfortunate or uncomfortable truths between them to suspect he's speaking falsely. But the last person who spoke of friendship and attachment and love... well, the last that wasn't Kaneda...

He doesn't have an answer for that any more than he knows what to say to any of this. He has to find something.]

Why?

[He winces at how weak he sounds. He could be close to genuine tears.... why was he so fucking pathetic?]

It's not like I ever did much.

[It's not denial, or rejection. But it's a better question than 'what do you really want' - even though he's so tempted to ask it. There's very few in this world that don't want something in return. For Pan... it was his murder. For Minato, it easily was to have him stop his aggression towards Ken. For Kaneda... he doesn't know if there is one or not. He's too much of a damn coward to pursue any deeper reason anymore.

'I just want my brother!' he'd said. That was reason enough. ...after he'd died, though; he'd never named him that before.

He and Rick have covered that before, he's fairly sure, but he doesn't really remember it well. January was one long blur of depression and days fading together...]

Why?

[ Rick echoes, letting the question linger in the air. Why. Tetsuo spent his whole life searching for the answers. Why would anyone care about him? Why do people act like they do? Why won't they stay? Why can I never be good enough? Rick imagines that these are the things that haunt Tetsuo's psyche, always searching for an answer or a reason. Always looking at things with suspicion. Always thinking that there has to be something more, something he overlooks because he can't trust anyone.

And what answer does Rick have for him? Well, his answer is probably the least comforting of all answers. As his thumb runs over the ridge of Tetsuo's trembling shoulder, Rick speaks again. ]

Why? 'cause it just is. I don't need a reason to love someone when they've shown me they're worth lovin'.

Everyone has a reason.

[His voice is barely above a whisper. Tetsuo can't move, fear and hope twining like roots around his legs, locking him firmly in place.

The last time someone was behind him, talking about love... he can feel that flash of pain like it just happened a minute ago, the desperate, blind panic reaching out to Kaneda in vain hope that he wouldn't let him die. Rick's too close, his instinct warns. He's danger. He's going to die, all over again, but this time he's too worn out to try to fight it.

Or maybe it's that Rick trusted him with his life once. Maybe that was a lie. Maybe...

Bitter heat stings its way down his cheek, and he keeps his head low to hide his shame.]

Not everyone does. Only reason I can give is that we were in the right place at the right time, that we connected on a deeper level. Ain't nothin' more than that.

[ And Rick knows, he knows Tetsuo is waiting for the 'you're right. I'm really...' excuse. Because that is all Tetsuo has ever faced -- excuses. But in Rick's eyes, there are no excuses. There are no real reasons. There's no time for any of that. And maybe he has to explain that to Tetsuo for him to really understand.

He doesn't move away from him, fearing that if he steps back, Tetsuo will close up around himself -- tighten into that little box and not let him back in. ]

In my world, there's no time for reasons. Either we trust people or we don't. Either people prove themselves or they don't. You proved yourself a long time ago when you wanted to do things for yourself -- when you didn't wanna rely on this world to take care of you an' you wanted have a means to take care of yourself. An' you proved more than that when you saved me. You coulda left me to die, Tetsuo. But you didn't. That's what loyalty is. That's what bonds us together. We fight for one another. Did you have a reason to do the things you did? Or did you jus' do them 'cause that's what you wanted to do?

No, I-I...

[He knows what he wants to say; admit he didn't really manage it, but part of that he still can't argue with. He COULD have left him to die. It'd have been easy to do. But panic rooted him to the spot then just as much as a different kind freezes him in place now.

Rick went to that jungle because he wasn't able to fight himself, and that stung deeply... but he'd also been willing to fight for Rick at the time. What was one more battle with Kaneda? And he could't explain why to himself. He's also right, they'd fight for each other.]

I had to do all that!

[But why? That small voice turns on him now, whispering the question back. He twists around to look at Rick, his own face open and pleadingly earnest, already streaked with tears. What's more important is he sees the look in Rick's eyes, hunting for some trick or duplicity and finding the opposite.]

I just did!

[ His expression softens, and he reaches out to gently draw Tetsuo into a hug because it seems like the contact and assurance are what he needs most at the moment. These are rare moments when he sees this vulnerability in Tetsuo, and Rick can only answer with the strength of an embrace to let him know it's okay to be open to his emotions like this. ]

I know ya did. I know. There ain't no reason is there?

[ Leaning his cheek against the top of Tetsuo's head with a warmth in his voice. ]

It just is.

[ And that's the motto of the evening, the moral of their story. They don't have to know the reason behind why they cared about each other. Because it just is. ]

[On a offensively bright January day back in Nonah 05, when Rick pulled this on him the first time, Tetsuo couldn't move. He remembers it well, flashing back to that instantly as arms wrap around him, his posture stiff. Still, he turns the rest of the way around as Rick reaches out. Rick's about a head taller than he is, and like this he feels even smaller than usual.

If Rick wanted to do anything, he could have done so in January. But he didn't.

If Tetsuo wanted to do anything, he could do so now.

...and he does.

Last time, he'd been fiercely debating what to do, or how to move - away? engage? and the indecision paralyzed him. This time, he's already moving before he realizes it. Shortly after Rick pulls him in, his free hand wraps firmly around Rick, clutching at the man's shoulder to lock him there, forehead pressing against Rick's shoulder. It's weakness - more than that, it's idiocy, but just like then, he can't stop himself.

It just happens, sending a cold shock of dread through his body when his mind catches up to the action.]

[ What Tetsuo views as weakness and idiocy, Rick sees as nothing short of growth. It's remarkable to him how much Tetsuo has grown during the time Rick had known him. And while a lot of that had to do with Kaneda and his unwavering friendship, Rick liked to hope he had a small hand of guidance in this development as well.

Now that Tetsuo is returning the hug, Rick holds on to him for a moment -- lingering in their embrace, making sure it's not forgotten. And then after a minute or two he loosens his arms. He doesn't let go until Tetsuo is ready to let go, but he's letting it known that it's fine for him to step out of the hug when he needs to, when he wants to. And yet, it's also fine if he doesn't want to. Rick will linger there and be there for him as long as he needs. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[CLOSED]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject