maskormenacelogs | (no subject)

[honestly, at this point in their relationship it's just as common to forget context when demanding an audience as it is to knock. Hazel's completely prepared to huff and puff over the lack of explanation, but she only minds on the most superficial level. everything always worked out in the end...usually.

soon enough Josuke's patience is rewarded and Hazel comes barreling through the door with no care as to the early hour and anyone else's sleep schedule. she's dressed appropriately for the time, at least, and that's really all that anyone can rightly expect of her.

she comes to a stop a few feet from the stairs when she spots Josuke, an impressive feat considering how much of a flurry she was moving in just a moment ago. Hazel's eyes flick from his hair to the sheet to the rest of the room...and back to his hair again, which is quickly corrected as she realizes what she's doing. face, yes. look at his face.]

...something escape from the zoo upstairs?

[did he call her over solely so he could abuse her tiny stature to go looking for one of the reptiles? because if he did she's going to bitch the entire time.]

[Still half asleep as he is, it takes Josuke a moment longer than it should to put together what Hazel's question implies, but when he does...he just laughs. And laughs. For like, a good minute. After all, he is still far too groggy to be offended, even for pretend, and it is kind of funny.]

No, no, no...they're fine. Actually, they're all asleep. Or they looked like they are...? Whatever, they're cool.

[He shrugs, pushing himself up off the step and slinging his sheet over his shoulder.]

I just figured there wasn't much point to getting all dressed up... [A yawn interrupts him, one he stifles in the crook of his arm before continuing, offering Hazel a somewhat sleepy if still apologetic grin.] Not for what I've got in store for us this morning, anyway.

C'mon, we're better off doing this in the backyard.

[it's not fair. it's really not fair. Hazel had already learned the hard way that few things were more adorable than a drowsy Josuke, but to add his hair down like that? it's an active struggle to just keep herself at neutral, let alone anything approaching her usual level of snappiness.]

Can you actually make it that far?

[she's got a lot of questions right now, but figures that most of them will either be answered or evolve into their final form in a few minutes once they hit the yard. she hops forward and takes his free hand, facetiously locking arms with him like she's a Girl Scout guiding the elderly across a busy intersection. let's go, Rip van Winkle.]

Ah...

[He can't help another sleepy chuckle as she takes his arm.]

I get the feeling if I can't you'll just drag my ass out there anyway, so what does it matter?

[Maybe, just maybe, he's leaning into her a little more than usual as they proceed through the house and to the back door. He doesn't bother with shoes, Heropa's warm enough this time of year that proceeding into the backyard in his bare feet isn't much of a problem, and it's actually kind of nice to feel the crisp, dewy grass between his toes as they put a bit of distance between them and the house.]

Alright...so you're probably wondering what's up. I'll tell you. I finally came up with a solution!

[...would probably help if she knew what the problem was, but he's sort of forgetting that he never told her about it in the first place.

Oops.]

[lean into her all you like, Josuke. Hazel's taking advantage of his diminished capacity to not only refrain from letting go once they make it outside, but stealthily wind that arm around his waist instead. for better stability, of course.]

...I think you're gonna need a bigger sheet if you're gonna cover up the entire yard.

[she has no idea what the fuck he's talking about, might as well intentionally arrive at the dumbest conclusion possible.]

[Perplexedly, Josuke takes a look around the backyard, a space that while not overly large is nevertheless kept fairly tidy, likely in part thanks to Shade, the only constant roommate Heropa 4 has had in a long time besides him. The garden is healthy and there are no bald patches in the lawn; any and all tools have been put away where they belong; and the only chairs left out are those surrounding a small table where people are welcome to sit and relax when they visit.]

Why would I wanna cover up the yard?

[Glancing back at Hazel, Josuke shakes his head and presses a kiss to her cheek.]

Nah, the sheet's for my Stand! That's how you're finally gonna be able to see Crazy Diamond.

[Or an approximation of its shape, at least.]

While I'm at it, I can teach you a bit about Stands too. I mean...given that you're not a Stand user but you seem to keep running into them, it couldn't hurt. Whaddya say?

[she makes some kind of indistinguishable grumpy noise, prompted by the surprise kiss. my, doesn't this yard look nice. Hazel thinks she'll stare at that instead of him for a little while even as he keeps talking.]

Pretty sure the only one I keep running into is yours, but...sure, why not? Another entry in the bullshit encyclopedia can't hurt.

[her response may be flippant, but Hazel's genuinely interested. and it's a suitable place to have this lesson, isn't it? the first time she'd ever "met" Crazy Diamond had been out here over a year ago, shoving its fingers into her scars and scaring the both of them as its ability backfired horribly.]

[Breaking away from Hazel's side, Josuke stifles another yawn.]

Sure, my Stand might be the only one you've run into, but you've met a number of other Stand users. My old man, for starters, as well as both Giorno and Jolyne.

[He doesn't think that Hazel has met Jonathan, and with the old man's Stand having changed so recently, it's probably better not to draw too much attention to him, but there is still one other person who comes to mind that he hasn't mentioned...]

You met Kira, too. [And wouldn't you know it, talking about Killer Queen's user does wonders for helping him wake up a little more.] Quiet guy, blonde...I haven't seen him around lately, think he got exPorted or something.

My point is—and this rule's important so don't forget it!—Stand users are drawn to each other. So as long as you hang around me...there's a pretty good chance you'll meet more of them. In some instances that ain't too bad, but in others...

Oh, did he leave? That's too bad.

[it's more of a thoughtful mutter than a real contribution to the conversation, mostly because Josuke keeps going and she's doing her best to process everything in a timely manner.

man, she bet that Jotaro had had a Stand too; that's probably why Joseph had asked her to null him for an entire day that one time. for something that felt like it should be kind of uncommon it sure seemed like Josuke's world was swimming in the goddamn things. she wishes she could be surprised, but...it was sort of the same way at home.]

But I get it, you don't have to tell me twice. People with bullshit powers usually end up being huge tools, that's nothing new.

[BOY DOES SHE KNOW THAT ONE but there's no point in dwelling on it.]

So what else?

Yeah...too bad.

[More than anything, Josuke sounds conflicted. He and Kira hadn't liked one another for reasons that were evidently only apparent to them, but as far as he knows they'd managed to coexist rater peacefully for a time. Peacefully, that was, outside of Pan's forest. Josuke had apologized for attacking the other Stand user then, an apology that hadn't come easily, but Kira hadn't retaliated. For better or worse, it seemed he truly wanted his quiet life, but there was no guarantee that if he returned the same sort of unspoken truce would hold...]

Anyway, not everyone's bad news. The other people in my family, for instance? The one's I've met, anyway. They're pretty cool. My friends from back home, too...hell, even Jotaro's friends. I think my turtle was even named after one of them, but I never did ask Giorno more about that, and Pol's not a Stand user...although some animals are.

['Bullshit' is actually a great way to describe the way things work in the world Josuke's from.]

Uh...moving along, though. The next thing you gotta know is that only Stand users can see other Stands unless the Stand has a physical form, like a doll or a boat or something. Those kinds of Stands are really dangerous...but I'll get more into that later. For now, I've figured out a way that'll help you if you run into one you can't see.

Crazy Diamond.

[Though Hazel can't see it, Josuke's Stand appears at his side and he holds up the sheet.]

Stands can interact with their surroundings...and that's how you'll be able to 'see' them. [...and he tosses the sheet over Crazy Diamond's head. As expected, it hangs there and, albeit poorly, outlines a rough estimate of the Stand's shape. Or its height, at least.] Sort of like how people 'see' ghosts!

And if you can see it...you can hit it. Go ahead and try. Just...make sure you only hit the sheet.

[They really don't need a repeat of the first time they'd met in his backyard.]

This is not how people see ghosts.

[it's murmured quietly, a sort of thought that's escaped her mind accidentally in the jumble that was Hazel's attempt to accept that they were just going to stomp right past the fifteen billion questions that Josuke's little spiel had caused to spring up.

well, that was fine. if they were playing by actual ghost rules than the encounter would've been a lot more unfriendly right off the bat.

Hazel takes a step or two closer to inspect the suddenly floating sheet, caught somewhere between hysteria and curiosity. the amusement at how stupid this whole situation is seems to be more of a cover for the fact that...honestly, she's not really sure she wants to touch it.

pain is a white-hot scorch mark on her memory now, when it comes twice as heavy and half as often. she's eased herself back into Josuke's life, but there's still that part of her that deep down is still terrified of this thing. of the fact that she can't accept the suffering she so rightly deserves.

hopefully he can't read the reason for the small pause between his request and her moving to action. Hazel's shoulders square up and without warning her fist is flying out to slam into (what she hopes is) the Stand's midsection with all the power her small body has. Josuke probably didn't intend for her to be so forceful, but...oh well, it's done now.]

Close enough!

[If there's anything to be read in Hazel's hesitation, Josuke misses it for being so intently focused on the direction of Hazel's punch. For her sake (and his own) he wants to make sure it lands in a place that won't hurt either of them too badly, though of course...

...there is nevertheless a surprising amount of force behind Hazel's fist, enough to send Josuke stumbling back and coughing as the wind leaves his lungs, his Stand following suit, sheet fluttering around its shape. Back home, he thinks he wouldn't have felt a thing. She wouldn't have been able to strike his Stand at all. But this place...the rules were thankfully different here. Thankfully, that is, insofar as her safety and ability to fight back is concerned.]

Okay...that smarts.

[He straightens, one hand idly rubbing at his stomach, the other flicking a few loose strands of hair out of his eyes.]

But, that's an important lesson.

[She can indirectly touch his Stand without any harm coming to her. She can deal him harm if ever it becomes necessary, and she needn't look him in the eyes to do it.]

Any damage a Stand receives is damage that is also dealt to its user. If Crazy Diamond gets punched, I feel it. Somebody cuts it, they cut me, too. And if it's destroyed...

[...well, she gets the idea.]

[her eyes widen a little in surprise when Josuke shudders backwards, although it clears up quickly in the face of explanation. she'd feel a little worse if her boyfriend didn't take so much punishment from her on a daily basis - and if he probably hadn't been expecting something like this when he'd set up this activity.]

Anything?

[her eyes flick back to that sheet again, chewing her lower lip in thought. it was logically consistent with the bullshit he's explained to her already, of course, but it brought up an unexpected question that she'd really never thought of before now...]

So what happens when I..?

[a vague hand gesture, somehow meant to imply the nullification of powers. if the destruction of a Stand killed its user, what did simply removing it like that do? had it been slowly killing him when she'd been unable to take her punishment anymore? was that just another fuckup for Hazel to throw onto the mountainous pile?]

[Josuke expected this, it's true. He'd only been a little surprised by the force behind Hazel's fist, but then, he's often surprised by how much strength she's capable of exhibiting, particularly for someone who weighs next to nothing. But that ability of hers to continuously surprise him lends to his confidence in teaching her about Stands being a worthwhile exercise.

Even if she never has to use this knowledge against anyone other than him, it could still save her life. And it could never be said then that he hadn't tried to do his duty and protect her from dangerous outside influences.

Following her gaze to where Crazy Diamond stands beneath the sheet, Josuke shakes his head.]

No, that...

[What Hazel had done back in Pan's forest hadn't been like dying—but it may have been worse. He'd felt suddenly and completely cut off from a power that had been with him for almost as long as he could remember, a power that was as much a part of him as his own two hands. She hadn't destroyed Crazy Diamond, so his own life hadn't been threatened, but what she'd done had given him an idea of what it was like for her.

He'd felt rotten. Like less than half of himself. And inexplicably hollow.]

...that was scary, I'll be honest. Kinda reminds me of my buddy's Stand back home, he can make stuff disappear with it. And the stuff that it erases? It's not stuff I can fix. It's just...gone. But if your power was like that at all, I really would be dead. [So she hadn't been killing him. Not literally, at least.] I guess...it was a lot like having a wall dropped between me and Crazy Diamond. You know, one it couldn't knock out on command.

[And then, firmly, his gaze returning to her, Josuke adds...]

You did what you had to do. [That's...a lie. Because he thinks she should have (and could have) done more.] I'm not upset about that, so you shouldn't be, either.

[even though Hazel meets his gaze, there's a way that her shoulders hitch up that gives a little insight into the fact that she's not going to accept that absolvement.

she still thinks that she should have done better. to succeed or to die with some semblance of dignity - anything between that was shameful. more so now that she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she really was bringing people down to her level every time she clamped down on their powers.]

...yeah, I guess.

[does she sound particularly convincing? she doesn't really think so. but this is (will never be) about her own problems and issues, and so Hazel banishes the heaviness from her mind for the time being. let that cloud settle back down on her sometime tonight the way it always did.]

Is there any fucking rhyme or reason to what these things can do? It's been all over the goddamn place so far.

[Nope, she doesn't sound convincing at all, but Josuke thinks they can work on that. One day, he hopes she's able to recognize that even though she hadn't been able to stop him from killing her, she'd been successful in her attempts to keep him from hurting anyone else. She hadn't failed. She'd been brave, she'd been selfless, and that wasn't shameful at all. She'd done what she could...that was enough. And it was more than anyone else had done for him at the time. And certainly more than he'd been able to do for himself.]

Uh... [He gives his head a shake and his shoulders a shrug.] Depends on what you mean by rhyme or reason. There's rules that apply to all Stands, and more or less they all seem to represent what their user's like, but when it comes to their specific abilities...they're all pretty different and can do some crazy shit. Control sounds, read people like literal books, turn to string, stop time, find things...

A person can only have one Stand, though, which is pretty good news...except I'm not too sure about that rule anymore. Met a guy from my world a bit ago and I think he had his own Stand and my old man's. Coulda been the Porter's doing, but it coulda been some Stand thing I don't know about, too.

So it's like learning English. Fucking great.

[a million rules and variations, and in the end too many rulebreakers to even really justify learning the restrictions beyond "sometimes it's relevant". that was exactly what she wanted to hear after embarking on a quest to learn about more supernatural humbo-jumbo.

she huffs, the sound an uneven cross between irritated and petulant, and directs her gaze back at the sheeted Stand nearby for lack of anything else to say that wasn't more aggressively complaining. there's a serious temptation to smack it again, but Hazel suspects maybe she'd receive some protest this time. something to save for when he wasn't expecting it, then.

instead she reaches out and sort of...clenches the sheet around where she figures the arm would be. much as she tries to disguise it, she's a curious girl, and a vague approximation of a human-shape isn't really all that satisfying to stare at. she wonders if she can fuss out some finer details here.]

That's...not wrong, actually.

[Of course Josuke would disagree if he could hear Hazel's thoughts. The restrictions, however inconsistent they could be sometimes, were still worth learning about for how often they could be relied upon. Which is almost always! At least, he thinks it is?

...and if it isn't, it's irrelevant the moment Hazel reaches out to touch the sheet covering Crazy Diamond. Her curiosity isn't difficult to decipher, but watching her blindly feel through a wall of fabric what his Stand is like makes Josuke want to find someway to actually show her in the future. An artist, perhaps, who could also see spiritual energies? Or something that could capture what his Stand looked like on film. Either way, he knows better than to attempt drawing it himself. Hazel would laugh. And as cute as her poking fun at him can be sometimes, he doesn't want her first real visual impression of Crazy Diamond to be a mess. Not when her first contact with the Stand was, too.]

I can feel that, you know.

[A small smile is offered, but he's not telling her to stop. And the Stand isn't moving to stop her, either. It's just sort of...holding still. Except for a slight shifting of its feet, though perhaps all Hazel is able to see is the fluttering of the bottom of the bed sheet.]

[no one's telling her to stop, but Hazel nearly does anyway out of some kind of startled reflex. more running, she supposes - or she would if she ever cared to look at herself that deeply.

thankfully curiosity and the lack of reprimand that she instinctively expects (even though she knows better) keep her from shying away this time. her hands slow for a moment or two, though, as she levels the inquisitive gaze at Josuke instead.]

What, everything?

[even if Hazel had assumed it was simply damage, it made sense. an extension of self, a being that was held in this world purely through another's will and life force...it really was similar to some of the things she'd seen at home.

the thought that crops up afterward, however, is decidedly not something she'd ever have in her own world. her exploration continues, but now she's trying to figure out where this thing's upper torso would be; she's already got the arm kind of figured, it shouldn't take more than a moment or two...]

Yeah, more or less.

[Hazel's hands traveling over Crazy Diamond's form give Josuke the impression of a phantom weight upon his own limbs, the sort of thing, he thinks, people with lost arms or legs might experience: a ghostly feeling that, through pain or other strong emotions, can become fiercely heightened. Lethally so in some instances.]

It's like... [He flaps his hand, which doesn't really indicate much of anything, though it might if she were standing closer to him and could feel the breeze generated by the gesture.] ...a kind of faint awareness? Something like that.

Although...

[Rather quickly Josuke instructs his Stand to move away from Hazel, but not before it pokes her in between the eyes through the sheet its wearing.]

...the point of this exercise isn't so you can get frisky with Crazy Diamond!

[she lets out an embarrassing combination of a yelp and a squeak, more surprise than anything else. to cover it up she ratchets the outrage in her voice up a few pegs.]

Get your mind out of the fucking gutter, Jesus!

[so says the girl who papered his entire bedroom in dicks and was absolutely trying to figure out if Josuke was ticklish through his Stand. she even has the gall to look scandalized in between the petulant glares.]

Do you want me to learn anything or not?

[...it's amazing how sincere she can make these brazen lies sound, really.]

Edited 2016-04-09 03:32 (UTC)

[Josuke flaps a hand in Hazel's general direction.]

What do you think I asked you here to learn exactly?

[Despite his tone, the question is serious and one he wants her to think about. What purpose could he possibly have had in wanting to teach her about Stands? The answer should be obvious because he sure as shit doesn't wanna read reports about 'em written by her. He wants her to be able to fight them. And in order to be able to fight them...

She has to fight him.]

There's a pretty good chance there'll come a time when you can't nullify the power being used against you either 'cause the source is outta your range or someone's managed to stop you from turning their powers off.

[her shoulders hike up, hands finding their way into her pockets. it's a little funny how quickly one change in topic can send her retreating back into herself, even if Hazel is trying to cover it up with a petulant twist of her mouth.]

's fine. Not like I could do it back in my world.

[and there were certainly plenty of powers in her own world that could have destroyed her with a languid flick of the wrist. it's a good excuse to hide behind, even if she thinks that maybe the reason for her sudden desire to disengage is a little more complex than that.]

It's actually not fine.

[With her hands in her pockets, she won't be able to stop herself from landing on her ass when Crazy Diamond reaches out and knocks her over with the push of a sheet-covered hand.]

You've got people counting on you here. People who love you and want the best for you. You don't get to roll over and die when you've got friends and family. You don't get to take the easy road.

That's not how you live.

[she sure can't, nor can she spread her hands out to prevent her from losing her balance and flopping over on her back when her scant weight sends her pitching backwards more than she'd expected. Hazel makes an irritated huff and simply lays there for the time being, making no attempts to get up. it's easier to have this conversation where she can't see him.]

Man, you think it's easy for me to drop dead?

[there isn't even any humor in her voice, but she can't stop herself from making the joke anyway. it comes out with memories she hasn't shared, many-eyed creatures reaching for her from behind a bookcase and a man with blood streaming down his arm shouting curses at her from a protective ring that had burned as she pressed through.

the right thing to do was never easy, was it.]

I'm not going anywhere. You're all fucking stuck with me.

[the right thing to do wasn't easy, but neither was what she wanted. to be "good" would be to allow herself to die, but to be happy...that would be to stay here, alongside all the people that she'd come to love and cherish.

that's why she pushes herself up off the ground finally, not even bothering to brush any debris that might be clinging to her clothes in favor of fixing Josuke with an irritated stare.]

You try that again though and I'm gonna put my foot up your ass.

[she doesn't want to fight Josuke. she'd be just as happy to die again rather than bring her full capabilities to bear, with or without the null.

but her mind goes back to her failure again, to the knowledge that she'd been unable to protect anyone that she'd wanted to. fine. she'd walk this road too, and prove that she was worth caring about along the way. if people were stupid enough to believe in her, she might as well really try before disappointing them.]

Good! I say go right ahead and do it. If you can.

[As quickly as Hazel stands, she'll find herself knocked right back down again by Crazy Diamond.]

Maybe it's not easy, not exactly. But I think when you're thrown into a situation where it only looks like you've got two options...you're too quick to take the route that sacrifices you.

And that's not okay.

[Sure, her sacrifice was brave at times, even noble for the countless lives she's been able to save, but Josuke can't help feeling that with how often Hazel finds herself in crippling danger there is more to it than that. She is good, he knows it. Feels it. Sees it when he looks at her, but she doesn't see what he does. She sees...what she's been taught to see by the person who hurt her and wanted to use her. A person who didn't give a shit who Hazel was.]

What the hell are you punishing yourself for?

[she doesn't expect the second blow, honestly, and it knocks most of her newly formed resolve out of her as she hits the ground again. this time Hazel doesn't linger, standing up almost immediately. he's going to hit her again, she knows it. what she doesn't know is what she's going to do about it.]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[this isn't a conversation that Hazel is going to have with Josuke. not now, not ever. she can't bear to have him disappointed with her - with what the truth is, rather than whatever it is he sees when he looks at her.]

Edited 2016-04-18 03:05 (UTC)

You know...I don't care if you lie to me about stupid shit. But lying to me about the important stuff isn't cool.

[her shoulders shoot up and she looks away from him sharply, the guilt clear on her face. she can't even feel a small sense of pleasure in the fact she's not immediately on the ground again this time.]

I don't want to talk about it. Is that better?

[it certainly doesn't seem to make her any happier.]

It's at least a little more honest, but better? No, not really.

[He shakes his head and, as he starts towards her, Hazel might notice the sheet flutter to the ground not far away as Crazy Diamond is called back to him.]

Why don't you wanna talk about it? You can tell me anything.

[it's stupid, but when the sheet falls lifeless to the floor she can't help but flinch. that's not how this works, not how their friendship has ever worked, but there are still little muscle memories lingering in her body that she hasn't smothered yet.]

I don't want to tell you this one.

[she could tell him anything under the sun, even someone as dense as Hazel has figured that out by now. but that doesn't mean she should.]

It's fine, ok? I know what I'm doing.

[that's not reassuring, but she wants so badly for it to be. but when Hazel can't even look up from the ground to say it to his face, how much can a sort of desperate effort in her voice really do?]

[Coming to a stop, Josuke looks at Hazel almost as if she'd reached out to close the distance between them and had struck him.

She's allowed to have her secrets, things that belong to her and only her, but somehow...the fact that this is what she wants to hide from him hurts. But fine. He'll let her have it.]

It's not fine...but whatever, I'm not gonna argue with you.

[He turns and, taking a few more steps no longer in Hazel's direction, he picks up the sheet that had fallen to the ground when Crazy Diamond disappeared.]

That's enough for today. I think I'm gonna head back to bed for a bit.

[she fucked up again. her fingers dig into her palms deep enough to break the skin and Hazel just keeps dragging them and tearing up more of herself beneath the shield of her fists in some kind of punishment she can't even feel.

it doesn't do anything, like always. nothing that Hazel ever did could prevent herself from shooting her own foot off at every given opportunity. awful, ugly, mistake.

but even she's not stupid enough to believe that things could simply be allowed to sit the way they are now. protecting herself wasn't worth disappointing Josuke like this - if he was going to be angry at her, it might as well be when she was honest. and, she can't help but thinking as she raises her head at last to stare at his back, he was going to be so angry at her.

the determination doesn't come all at once, and Josuke gets silence as his response and several more steps towards the house before her own legs remember they can move too. the grass blurs under her gaze, fast enough to make a living person queasy, before she's in a close enough range to grab onto the back of his shirt.

it would have been just as easy to latch onto his arm, but Hazel feels like she needs to quarantine herself right now; she was too toxic this way, the taint she buried deep down within herself spilling over in angry protest over the possibility of the truth. she was rot again, everything worth detesting in the world. no one should have that on their skin.

Hazel attempts to speak and her own tongue strangles her thoughts. she realizes with a low soft noise that this is the limit of her bravery and the words she's crossed a seeming ocean to convey are frozen along with the rest of her in terror. for a minute, two minutes, an endless stream of time she stays locked in place, unwilling to admit defeat and let go of her boyfriend's shirt. be patient, her tight grip pleads in her stead, just wait a little longer. she refused to back down from this.

at last it slips out in a whisper, her lips barely moving and her voice threatening to blow away with the next breeze. Hazel stares at everything but Josuke - the grass, the ragged palm at her side, her own feet - but she's finally spoken. somewhere beneath the panic, she feels like she's broken a spell.]

...I'm still here.

[Hazel's hand is feather light upon the back of Josuke's shirt, but it tells him what she won't, maybe what she can't quite put into words herself. Her message comes across loud and clear. Wait. Be patient. She's trying, fighting a war with herself that she doesn't know how to win, but fighting because...he believes in her. Because he keeps pushing.

And if he's honest with himself, he'll never stop. Not really. No matter how close, no matter how far apart, she's stuck with him. Until the bitter end.]

But for how long, Hazel?

[He turns, ever so slightly, so that he can glance back over his shoulder at her.]

You gotta understand something. I don't want to lose you. Not even a tiny piece.

[Because she is very alive in his eyes, more alive than almost anyone else he knows, and that life to him is precious beyond words. A life he cherishes and wants to protect, has promised to defend...would stop at nothing to hold together, because that's exactly what Hazel gives him. Stability, courage, and occasionally an appropriately timed swift kick in the ass. She's his rock.]

And what if I can't...? [Be there for whatever reason. Or stop himself again, like before.] I just...I need to know you'll be alright whatever comes your way, that you won't let anything—

[Or anyone.]

—knock you down.

[she's still staring hard at the ground, completely ignorant that he's shifted to look at her. there's a look of stricken illness on her face, something that those words should have chased away - but now there's another fight to wage, more painful than the last (how it manages, she doesn't know), because Josuke doesn't understand.

it would be so easy to let things sit the way they are and drift off in another lie. the coward in Hazel wants it, even. but she can't. not about this, not to her golden boy.]

If something knocks me down, then you know for sure I'm alright.

[that fist that had been balled so tightly releases suddenly, falling back at her side like a dead weight. there's no way she can justify even obliquely touching him when she says this.]

You asked me what I'm punishing myself for, right? ...that's my answer. I'm still here.

[Josuke watches her fist fall back to her side and though a part of him wishes he hadn't noticed, his gaze lingers on the broken skin of her palm before she can hide it from view.

He can't fix it.

Just like he can't do anything to stop her from punishing herself for what has to be the most absurd reason he's ever heard. Her death wasn't her fault! And what happened after wasn't, either! Why does she keep dragging the blame back to lie at her own feet?]

Why?

[She's right. He doesn't understand and he probably never will. Not because he doesn't want to, but because no matter how he looks at it, her reasoning doesn't make sense to him. She doesn't deserve the pain she puts herself through. She doesn't deserve to be dragged through the dirt. She's so much better than that. Better than she gives herself credit for.

Holding out his hand, he reaches for hers, for the palm she'd dug her nails into so that he can cover it with both of his own.]

Why is that something you should punish yourself for?

[she doesn't flinch this time; it's something that Hazel would almost be proud of if she weren't trembling instead. her hand lays like a dead thing between Josuke's, her mind too scared to allow it to seek out the comfort she so desperately wants.

not now. when she was talking about this, she didn't deserve that.]

'Cause it means I'm a coward.

[it's still too much to even contemplate looking Josuke in the eyes, and now staring at her hand just makes her shake even harder. Hazel's gaze drops dully to the ground, her voice about as lifeless as the rest of her - save for the miserable self-loathing that she usually works so hard to hide away.]

Everybody knows I'm a fucking mistake. If I actually gave a shit about doing the right thing I'd have let somebody put me down a year ago.

[over a year ago, now. before she'd ever come to this world, the minute she stumbled out of Edith's house. things should have never gone this far.]

But I didn't. And I'm still not. Instead I'm just fucking playing pretend, acting like there's some kind of magic number that'll make it ok for me to stick around. Like - like if I help enough people suddenly it's fine that I'm here, that it just makes mess less of a fucking abomination all of a sudden.

[she thinks back to the vampires she'd met at home. how one had used a handkerchief to keep himself from coming into direct contact with her skin - had shielded flesh that was as cool with the grave as her own.

do you understand? he'd asked when he'd snapped her wrist, pulled it up so high he'd nearly severed the limb entirely. even we feel pain. a husk has no claims on this world.]

I know it doesn't work like that. [she swallows thickly] And I know that every second I'm here I'm fucking up my own soul.

...and now people care, 'cause they really think all the shit I've been lying about means something.

[like Josuke. all the anxiety she's put him through, all the guilt over hurting her...that was her fault, too. she shouldn't have let anybody else unknowingly play pretend with her.]

So it's fine if I get my ass kicked. At least it's something.

[less than she deserves, far less, but something. that had to be worth a little, didn't it?]

So what I'm hearing is you don't really know anything at all and you're just scared. You're afraid that you're a mistake 'cause you didn't bury yourself? And afraid nothing you can do makes you worthwhile being around or being with.

[He squeezes her hand before letting go, bringing up both his hands to cup her cheeks and force her to look at him.]

You think just because you're different that it means there's something wrong with you? That people can't fucking see past the real lies you tell to the awesome person you hide beneath that wayward attitude and all your carrying on? Give us some credit. Give yourself some, too.

[He kisses her forehead hard, kisses her scar, and then her cheek, lips lingering over the stitches there before he presses his forehead to hers and looks her sharply in the eyes.]

That's not how it works, Hazel. You can be whatever the fuck you wanna be, even happy. The only one who can take that from you is yourself.

[He kisses her forehead again and then lets go of her cheeks so that he can hold one hand out between her and him, his fingers curling into a tight, white-knuckled fist much like the one she'd made a moment ago. That grows tighter by the second, enough that his own fingernails sink into his flesh, but he doesn't flinch. And won't look away from her. There's a point to this stupidity.]

[it's a wonder that she doesn't tremble herself to pieces, Hazel thinks when he pulls her up into his range of vision, continues to think as he tries to rebut her explanation with so much fervor. he doesn't understand. he can't understand, because he can't see the nightmare tangle of magic keeping her here.

she wants to argue with him, but as soon as his lips touch her skin everything stops. there isn't even enough coherency to cry as Hazel watches him love her ugliness, eyes wide and disbelieving. it's all she can do to latch onto his words, the emotional pressure of his kisses still lingering on as if she'd been struck.

and then she sees blood and the world comes snapping back to reality.]

What the hell is the matter with you?!

[if there's a point to it, Hazel doesn't want to wait around and find out. she grabs him by the wrist without hesitation, tiny fingers trying desperately to worm their way in and force his hand open.]

[Josuke doesn't resist as Hazel's fingers pry open his, as she takes his hand in hers and, in the same vein, shrieks at him because she doesn't understand what this means or why he would have done this. But his reasoning is simple.]

I could ask you the same thing.

[What the hell is wrong with her that she can't see how much he hurts when she does things like that to herself? That her self-loathing doesn't pain him just as much? He understands that she has her struggles and knows that he needs to give her time, but to pretend like it doesn't destroy him a little bit every time she calls herself an abomination is just...not fair. It's ten step backwards for every step forward and he can't let it go on.]

What you're feeling right now is exactly how I feel when you punish yourself for shit that's not your fault...and for shit you shouldn't even be punishing yourself for in the first place.

[The palm of his hand burns against hers as he intertwines their fingers and holds her hand tightly. He knows she can't feel the warmth of the blood there, but knowing it's there is enough.]

[she clings to his hand just as tightly, holding on protectively as if to prevent him from trying something that stupid again. it's this worry that keeps her staring at Josuke, even as he brings the entire debacle back around to her.]

It's...that's not the same.

[even if it's horrifying to think that Josuke feels like this about her - and how often? how much of her hatred and little digs at herself does he catch from day to day? even contemplating it makes her feel like she's drowning in guilt.

and so, even with her dismissal just a moment before, she can't help but ask, hesitantly:]

You can't feel like that every time...do you?

Are you asking me if there's ever a time I think you deserve the way you beat yourself up? Because the answer's no.

[Never, not once, has he ever wished Hazel a shred of unhappiness, especially not if it was self-inflicted. And every time she buries herself in insults and injuries, of course he feels it, because that's what it means to be connected to someone. To be friends, to be family, to be something more than both combined.

She understands that. He knows she does, whether she wants to or not. Because she feels similarly for him. Her concern, the way she holds his hand, the way she looks at him now, that says it all.]

[and she doesn't even know it. even now, filled with determination to keep him from doing anything else stupid, Hazel can only look at herself and despair that she has nothing to give in return for this baffling compassion.]

...I really wish I knew what the hell you see when you're looking at me.

[maybe it was because he hadn't seen the worst of her scars, or because he couldn't see the spells trapping her soul in her body. or...maybe it was the same love that prompted him to stay by her side no matter how many difficulties she caused.

it's a small step forward, this response...or so she hopes, anyway. Hazel can't give him any promises that she'd stop, but she can at least give him this and a very tired, very small smile.]