no one can find the rewind button now

[puppydoctor]

WHO: George O'Malley puppydoctor and various friends
WHERE: Wherever
WHEN: March 2016
WHAT: Catch-all for the month of March
WARNINGS: N/A

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[puppydoctor]

[He swallows, trying to shake his head without dislodging the complete meltdown sitting impatiently in his chest. She's getting fed up with his fear, he can tell, but he doesn't know how to handle any of this.]

That's not what I want at all. I'm just- [Paralyzed with terror?] I'm afraid. The whole time I was in that jail, I just kept imagining... I kept picturing you, turning to dust, and I'd rather die than let that happen.

[The word rings out louder than intended, echoing over again in the street - die, die, die.]

... I wish they'd sent me back home.

[coppelganger]

You wish they sent you back home.

[ Sarah can only repeat him, stunned. She's not sure how his statement was meant to make her react, but the overwhelming feeling isn't sympathy, but offense. He wishes he'd been sent home without so much as a goodbye? Sent home to nothing? ]

You want to go back to being dead.

[puppydoctor]

[He regrets the words as soon as they're out of his mouth, but only for the hurt he knows he's caused her. Sarah has been nothing but gracious to him - she bailed him out of jail, for fuck's sake, and she doesn't deserve to have his pain thrown at her like this. But his heart is pounding in his ears, and he can almost taste blood in the back of his mouth, sharp and hot as the day he was brought to this place from the jaws of a bus.]

I am dead! I died months ago, on an operating table, with my body in a million pieces, and that should have been it. This place... I'm grateful for it, really, because I got to meet you, and you're the best thing that's happened to me since long before I died. But you have a family. You have people to go home to. Why the hell would you risk your safety for me?

[coppelganger]

[ Sarah winces. This is not her place, first of all. She's out of her depth. The whole selling point of this relationship being a relationship was that George is supposed to be leading the way, demonstrating how to date somebody and remain functional and normal. She's made a couple token efforts at being calm, at staying in control and helping him, and now that they haven't worked, she has no experience to fall back on, no way she knows to make things right.

So she pushes back, instead. ]

I don't know, George! Why are either of us bothering, if this is all so pointless?

[puppydoctor]

[George's face goes slack. He can't tell her why he's bothering. He can't tell her that he's falling in love, quickly but thoroughly, with the way she smiles at him in the morning half-light, and how her hair feels against his cheek when they fall asleep on the sofa. He can't say any of that, because she'd run. Love was never supposed to be a part of the deal. It just adds to the emptiness growing in his stomach.

You fucked up. You fucked it all up again, O'Malley. He can't do surgery, and he can't have a family, and he's scaring off the person he cares most about in this world.

He takes another step backwards, sliding off the curb.]

You mean more to me than I can say, Sarah. That's why I bother. All I want is to keep you safe and make you smile, but now I'm- [a monster.] ... I can't see how I'm worth getting hurt over.

[coppelganger]

Then do something.

[ Reach for her, take her hand, something. Prove it. ]

[puppydoctor]

[George looks up at her, eyes finally meeting. There's a tremor in his legs, fear still coursing through his veins, but looking at Sarah quells just a bit of it. There's still a voice in his head yelling out for an end, but maybe if he just focuses on Sarah, on how leaving her would be as bad as hurting her...

He steps back up onto the sidewalk, moving towards her at a snail's pace, like he's pushing through cold water. And when he reaches her, he offers out one hand, safely bundled up in the end of his sweatshirt sleeve.]

... I'm not okay.

[coppelganger]

Okay.

[ She closes her own hand around his, sweatshirt sleeve and all. ]

You'll get through this. [ She feels like she should be saying "we'll get through this," but she can't bring herself to utter the word. She'll do her best to help him, but during this conversation she's started to feel increasingly like her best is nowhere near good enough for what George really needs. ]

Maybe you'll need to wear gloves for a while, but... [ George turning her to dust doesn't scare her. It's everything else that does. ] I'm not gonna run off just because of that, alright?

[puppydoctor]

[He wishes so hard that he could bring himself to believe her, but right now the tunnel is black as night. All he can do is focus on her hand, and the sound of her voice, and pretend that she's telling the truth.]

Thank you.

[He doesn't know quite what he's thanking her for - not leaving him, perhaps? Being Sarah Manning?]

... And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go off on you like that. This is just... it's hard.

[coppelganger]

I know. It's okay.

[ Now that they're standing here, holding hands (kind of), she's not sure what to do next. ]

[puppydoctor]

[He isn't sure either, but part of him is still itching to run, and he finally lets himself listen to it.]

Listen, I need to run back to the hospital. Grab a few things, talk to the Chief. But I'll... I'll be home in a bit. With dinner.

[Not even bothering to correct himself this time. Her place is home, they both know it by now.]

Okay?

[coppelganger]

Yeah. [ Sarah drops his hand and slips her own into the pocket of her jacket. ]

I'll be there.

[ This isn't necessarily true. She's not sure if she can bring herself to sit at home and wait for him after this. But she'll at least try. ]