maskormenacelogs | There's no stronger message than dirt in your face

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There's no stronger message than dirt in your face

WHO: Enid and Carl
WHERE: Xavier's, at Carl and Rick Grimes' apartment
WHEN: March 3rd
WHAT: A few things need to be cleared up, and there's the elephant in the room that needs addressing
WARNINGS: Spoilers for The Walking Dead. Mentions of brainwashing, torture, death, bodily injuries and other things that go with The Walking Dead.

[ So after the call, Carl doesn't bother to tidy up his place this time. He doesn't care if the place is a mess. (Enid is right on that point: it doesn't matter if it is or not.)

Instead, he just unlocks the door and left it ajar. He sits down on the couch, exhaustion soaking his bones. His missing eye throbs. He turns on the television and just settled on a random channel - the national news.

There were, of course, talks of the American soldiers repelling the Soviet occupiers and the battle at the Helix Station. Carl looks on to it warily - he wonders if he is shown on the news, somehow. ]

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[Twenty-five, thirty minutes later, Enid shows up at the Grimes' apartment. The first thing she notices is the door being ajar, so she makes no effort to knock and instead pushes the door open to step inside. Peak in, really.

If it were her place, after all, she never would have left the door unlocked herself, so she treads in carefully just in case. Everything looks fine though when she comes into the living room and finds Carl on the couch. The only thing was that he looked as exhausted as he said he was on the phone, so she stops just short of sitting next to him and stands in front of him.

Now that they aren't worrying about anything (per se), she takes a moment to really look at him while not looking at him for long enough to be considered staring.]

Hey... You shouldn't leave the door open. [She provides a helpful gesture to the door.] You awake?

[Of course, she knows he is, but she wants to be sure he's not dozing. Because she lied when she said she would wake him up.]

I left it open for you.

[ Besides, if anyone suspicious tries to come in . . . well. Carl's not someone who brags about being a badass or a killing machine, but he's not going to kid himself - by now Carl is a very dangerous person to be messing with when forced into a corner.

The Russians can attain to that. ]

I'm awake.

[ He turns down the volume of the television and sits up a little straighter. ]

[Enid turns to the TV as he turns it down, seeing what he is watching and frowning at it a little disapprovingly.]

And how are you feeling?

Tired. But that's a given.

[ The newscaster promised more news of the imPort Rebellion, after this break. ]

How are you feeling?

[ Circling small talk, like vultures to the carcass. If truth is a carcass.

...Carl's not good with metaphors. ]

Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

[She sighs, outwardly. Because she really is fine and sort of tired of people asking. Besides he should worry about himself, she thinks. She'll circle just a little more to make sure she's not bringing anything up at a bad time, with his injury and all.]

You were the one that stayed here remember.

[ Car's stubborn like that. ]

I did. And I survived it.

[ but Dad didn't, even if he came back to life - true life - quickly afterwards. ]

I can't say the Russians did. Not many survived the battle afterward.

[ He's not telling how many soldiers he killed, because he doesn't know. Carl doesn't keep count of the unimportant people he's killed. He just knows he killed a lot. ]

What you did was dangerous though.

[She chides, not circling the topic anymore either. She could careless about the Russians he spoke of, even if they're people, just because she didn't know them - but Carl is someone she knows so.]

You could have gotten [~~seriously injured~~] killed acting like that.

What I did was neccessary. I did it for my friends, my dad, and you. And I will do it again, a hundred times over.

[ Carl takes a deep breath. He turns his head so he can see her fully. ]

Besides, if I were killed. . . I'd just come back.

You didn't have to do any of it though. At least not for anyone but you or your dad.

[Even her. Which she thinks they both came to understanding on at the seminar. She wanted to believe he wouldn't do anything too stupid either but here he is talking about being okay with dying just because he can come back. She looks back at him with disapproving look of her own.]

You have a problem if you can't worry about yourself first.

Didn't have to . . .? Enid, I had to. You were brainwashed. My dad was beaten and tortured. Most of the friends I've made here were either driven crazy by the seminar or were brainwashed like you.

[ Carl gestures to the bandaged side of his face. He touches it. He's going to change his bandages soon, like he always did during the last week or so. By himself, in this apartment, in a bathroom where the drip drip drip kept him company as Carl stares at the hole in his face and imagines seeing the abyss within. ]

Enid, I - I don't even remember who shot me. All I remember were people screaming, and I don't know if the Russians took away my eye to fuck with me or I went home and I'm dead or dying there. As long as I don't remember - what does it matter, what happens to me? At least I kept my sanity. At least I knew what needed to be done to save people.

And when the bullets stop firing, and the Russians are all killed, all I can think about was, "Well, at least I can start to take care of myself." But how the hell can I take care of myself when the most important thing that I need to have is just not there?

No. You didn't have to do any of it. All you did was put yourself in harms way too.

[And she means, well... when he gestures to his bandages, she stops and says nothing else, which is more than enough to convey that she is partially talking about that. (Since she's still assuming it happened here than at home.) Although for the most part what she is trying to do is get him to think of himself first. To think about it for the next time.

And as much as she'd like to, she doesn't know how to answer his question anyway. She doesn't have important people any where, so in her opinion it's simple to take care of herself and hard to understand Carl's point of view. She's starting to see they're in different places.]

You don't understand, Enid. We are always in harms' way! For a long time while I was here, I managed to survive without getting into any fights, or any trouble. I kept to myself. I thought, as long as I stay away from the fights, or not get involved in whatever monthly insanity that has happened, as long as I keep the virus within me quiet, I'll be fine.

[ Carl clenches his fist. He can still see the cell, even with eyes wide open. ]

But I was taken from my room, someone made a machine that just teleported me from my room to a underwater prison cell in a submarine. Where food is limited and all we had for a bathroom was a bucket.

I then realized - no one is safe, no matter how much you tried to lay low. So I made friends with a cannibal and we found a way to get one of the guards killed by his own friends. All so I can make weapons out of human bone and he can get a meal. When we got our powers, the first thing I did was stab a man to death with his friend's bones.

[ How fucked up is that? Problem with that question is Carl can't understand top or bottom anymore, let alone what's morally right or wrong.

The commercials present Rumblr! A great website to make friends! Carl ignores it. ]

So I'll keep killing. I'll do what it takes, because while we can't remember this place - and maybe it doesn't matter in the long run - but I'm not going to stand by and let people take the first shot and take what they want from us. If it meant bombing some strangers across the ocean, then that's fine with me.

[She turns her gaze to the floor, after listening to all that.]

I do understand. You weren't the only one that had to do something they didn't wanna do. [Though obviously she can't compare the seminar to anything else he's been through.] The point is not putting yourself more in its way... To think of a better way, at least.

[ If there's a better way, then why do people keep dying more when we take the better option? Carl nearly asked her but stops himself. Enid doesn't strike him as a pacifist, so she obviously doesn't mean that. Because no matter how many people have told him, there's a better way, no killing - he can never seem to find a good answer to the alternative. Too many people have been spared and many more killed because of that mercy. But she's not talking about that, so her input is confusing Carl. ]

And what better way is that?

[Yeah, she's not a pacifist, but she's not the type to actively seek out to battle problems when the odds are stacked against her favor. And to be fair she doesn't have an answer for how to do that or what better way there is. She only knows one thing.]

The better way is not to get involved, unless it's to survive for yourself.

[ He gives Enid an incredulous look. ]

Enid, they actually brainwashed people our age. People older than us. People with powers that we can't even begin to imagine. They were brainwashed to the point were they could very well attack and kill us because they thought the Soviets were allies.

Even if I ran away and gone into hiding, I'll still be found by brainwashed imPorts. There's no other way but to fight. And I will lose that fight.

[ As appealing as it is, no one can run away from their problems forever. ]

During those two weeks I've been walking around the towns and been rusting out the buildings. Their weapons. It was all I ever did. It was only when I visited the Helix station for more help did the battle happen. I didn't know about the LACKEY mission. No one told me until the Russians start to appear at our door, shooting at us.

[Ugh. She's not going around in circles like this so she pushes back with her own opinion.]

Carl, that wouldn't have happened if you didn't walk around looking more weapons. That's all I'm saying.

[ Not really, Carl thinks. I still would've started shooting when the fighting started.

But like her, he's done talking in circles. ]

No, I don't think so.

[ And that's all he can say about that.

He looks down at his hands in his lap. ]

Did you hear what happened to Dad, when he was with LACKEY?

[And moving on they are, although she's not happy she to not have gotten throw to him.]

Before the Seminar?

[She asks with a nod because Rick had told her the general story, but anything after that would not something she's heard yet.]

... Unless you mean after. I just got back.

Dad was stuck with LACKEY the entire time. He was in the Porter lab with it for almost two weeks. I told about this as many people as I could - the ones that I was sure weren't brainwashed or working with the Soviets.

[ His hands clenches into fists. ]

Apparently that wasn't enough. Either people didn't spread the word about it, or I didn't tell enough people. Either way, some people managed to get to LACKEY the moment it had power failure. One of my friends was with them.

No one told Dad they were coming, no one told him the plan to get LACKEY alive. He didn't know what was going on, and was afraid that all the progress he made with LACKEY, making it think about not hurting us anymore - it'll be all gone if imPorts try to kill it. So he tried to stop them.

And they killed him. Didn't try to stun him or knock him out like Michonne did back in Alexandria. They killed him and revived them later, but the damage was done.

[C'mon Carl that is exactly what she was trying to say. Getting involved gets you killed.

But she holds her tongue. She's not gonna argue. She just moves to sit down instead slightly in the center of the couch.]

Is that why you're tired? If you're dad's revived, why don't you focus on that.

[She sure as hell would have been if either of her parents were in the truly alive, non-walker sense, she thinks.]

I'm tired because I can't stop thinking on the fact that I joined those people just so I can get Dad back. I told them as such! Then they go behind my back and murder him, and the very person who did it was someone I thought was my friend! All I can think about is how I should've reached out to more people, to figure out which ones weren't brainwashed or working for the Soviets. I told the leader of the resistance about my dad first thing, so why the hell wasn't that information spread around?

Why didn't they warn my dad earlier when they were getting ready?

[ He looks to the side. His fingernails are digging into his palms, stinging him. ]

I'm tired because I'm angry. I'm furious at them, at myself, and just everything in general. I'm not feeling very forgiving. And usually I tend to kill people who try to hurt my family, but I can't do that here.

[ And that anger is going to be with him for a very long time, he thinks. ]

Carl, they're just people. People do stupid and worse things all the time.

[She doesn't have an answer to why they didn't warn him, but she does take notice to the harm he is inflicting to his hand when she looks over at him. How angry he is makes her think he should do one thing, after all.]

Maybe you should sleep. I'll go.

[ Carl knows he's not good company when he's angry. He'll just try to bottle it up but fail, showing small instances of anger until he could no longer contain it anymore and explode.

So he doesn't blame her for her wanting to leave. ]

I think I know how Ron feels about all this now. At first, I thought I did. But now . . . but now I really get it. Sort of.

[ He looks up at Enid. Carl doesn't want to hide this from Enid. From Dad, sure, because he still wants to protect Ron, even now, when he's not here . . . but Enid needed to know. Because he knows that Enid wouldn't try to kill Ron, at any case, if Ron shows up here. ]

Ron tried to kill me. Back in Alexandria.

At least you still have your dad.

[She provides after a bit of hesitation, and doesn't elaborate more on that. It could sound insensitive to Ron's case, it could sound like maybe some of her own bottled up feelings, but she's just trying to give him what she thinks he needs to focus more on to stop feeling angry. It was what mattered most, right? To Carl.

After saying that, she moves to get up since she meant it when she thought he should rest and she should and the only reason she stops to turn to look back is because of the part about Ron trying to kill him. That didn't sound like Ron. Then again he went from cheerful to fairly clingy and troubled in days after Mr. Anderson's death. Still.]

What? [She blinks, needing a moment to process that. Why are you telling her this all of a sudden, Carl?]

Yeah. At least he's alive.

[ It's probably a bad idea to tell Enid, but Carl doesn't care. Carl is starting to feel like he's unraveling and he doesn't want another mental break and be forced flee to the Heropean woods again. He has to tell Dad the truth about his eye, so why not tell the truth about Ron? Small, baby steps to getting rid of all the lies Carl has been telling to other for the past several months. ]

When walkers got in Alexandria. He was losing it. He hated Dad, so he tried to get back at him, by trying to kill me. I fought him off, but the walkers heard the noises and managed to get inside the house. Dad and Jessie heard the noise too and asked what happened after we barricaded the house.

I lied to them. Told them that Ron was freaking out while we were trying to find weapons. I wanted to protect Ron. I wanted to help him, even if he hated my guts too.

[ Carl suspects Ron blames Carl for Enid leaving too, but he doesn't want to sound like he's blaming Enid for Ron's madness. He doesn't. ]

I still haven't told Dad that either. I kept thinking, if Ron shows up here, maybe I can help him too. But I dunno. Maybe I'm not in a state to help anyone anymore.

[ He promised Dad he will save him from the Soviets. That failed, and he failed to protect Dad from other imPorts. If Carl can't save his own father, how can he save others?

Carl's no hero. And the one time he did, he failed. ]

Edited 2016-03-11 00:57 (UTC)

[And a bad idea it is. It comes as a surprised to hear that as Ron normally wouldn't be the type of person who she thought was capable of handling himself out in the world with walkers, much less trying to kill a person. So she stares at Carl in near almost disbelief to everything he says, and after it's all said gets up just to stand up.

She believes him, of course, but doesn't know what to make any of it yet. She glances over at the window, not looking back to him for a second, to catch her train of thought.]

And why are you telling me this?

[She asks, because honestly she'd rather have not known any of it when there was nothing either of them could do, anyway. The suggestion that Ron could show up when they have no way of knowing, plus Carl sounding like helping people is an all or nothing deal earns him a stare of further disapproval. False hopes of seeing people they know again or impossible expectations to save people is something neither of them need right now.]

Ron isn't here and it isn't your job to help save people. Don't be that person and worry about things you can't do anything about.

[ Carl can see her at the corner of his eye and can instantly tell he made a mistake telling her. Too soon, too soon. His exhaustion is making him glib. ]

Because I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of holding things back. I'm tired of telling people I'm okay when I'm really am not.

[ Carl can't help himself. He can feel himself unraveling - and he doesn't want to fight it anymore. ]

I'll keep that in mind.

[ She's right. After the disaster of Carl trying to help people during the occupation - of Carl joining the resistance to get Dad back, only to find out they murder him to get to LACKEY - he's starting to realize he really can't save people.

He can't even save his own father. ]

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There's no stronger message than dirt in your face

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