maskormenacelogs | Keep on dreaming, don't stop breathing, fight those demons.

Entry tags:

Keep on dreaming, don't stop breathing, fight those demons.

WHO: Hazel Lockwood (

deadtective) and Josuke Higashikata (

unbreaker)
WHERE: Heropa #011
WHEN: January 23
WHAT: The first step down the long road towards making amends.
WARNINGS: Not likely but will update if this changes.

[Trust was a tenuous thing.

A year ago, Josuke had acquired Hazel's trust by accident. What had begun as the simple and pure intention of helping her heal her injuries had rapidly spun out of control and resulted in his discovering what was arguably her greatest secret. But rather than run away from Josuke, upon proving that he was not only willing to guard her secret, but also expected nothing in return for doing so, he was unexpectedly rewarded with Hazel's friendship. They had found they had a great deal in common with one another, including a penchant for acting half their age and getting into trouble, and it hadn't been long until they'd became very close—or long before that closeness had developed into something more.

Josuke wasn't sure when exactly his feelings for Hazel grew from platonic to romantic or if he'd always been interested in her as more than a friend, but he knew that he didn't regret having crossed that line when he had. Even now, after Neverland, after Pan, remembering what Hazel and he were to one another—not boyfriend and girlfriend so much as friends who knew and understood each other, who were a home away from home—that gave him courage. It was knowing that they had been through hell and back already that brought Josuke around to her door, that convinced him they could come back from this, too.

Somehow, even if the thought of facing this particular challenge head on was beyond terrifying, even if it meant they were changed forever because of what happened, he knew that things would be alright again. Someday, eventually, they could go back to being the inseparable pair they were. And if it took another year of rebuilding everything from the ground up to accomplish that, whether Hazel wanted to admit it or not, she was worth fighting for every step of the way.

Josuke wouldn't give up. He didn't know how. Same as she hadn't known how to let go when he'd asked her—a memory that lingered more prominently in the front of his mind compared to the rest, that stung, but one he was able to temporarily chase away by knocking upon Hazel's door. He'd decided to wait this time instead of let himself in. He still had his key, but he wasn't certain he had the privilege that came along with it, and in the midst of trying to make amends, the last thing he wanted to do was make things worse by overstepping his bounds by turning a safe haven into a prison.]

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[even with the Doctor's return, Hazel doesn't really spend much time here now. it's easy to justify it with Tetsuo's recovery - she wanted to help however she could, and with the tacit approval she'd received from Kaneda why should she stop now? in some ways it was more than she'd ever been able to do for him in the jungle.

lately the basement of Nonah 5 felt an awful lot safer than her real house, and she's still not certain how to feel about that. it makes her wonder if this is going to be every death: slowly drifting away from herself, further and further until she can't ever recall what had made her human. the discomfort in her own skin had driven her to open herself up early in after their return, although it was a flimsy excuse. Hazel knows that she wasn't expecting to see anything new in there and had just wanted to sate that hatred and rip herself apart, even if she couldn't feel it.

still, there were things that needed her here. she makes the pilgrimage back to Florida once a day to tend her plants and feed Masaw, who clings as if he can sense the distress she's slowly working on putting six feet under. it's just as she's finishing that up that she hears the knock - it must be someone for the Doctor, because she's all out of visitors. she's on her way out, but she can just let them in before she goes.

that plan is immediately shot to hell as she brushes back the window curtain to see the last person she'd ever imagine darkening her doorstep again. Hazel draws back almost immediately, but it's long enough for anyone to see the look of reflexive panic on her face. there was no way that she hadn't been spotted...but it's still a solid thirty seconds before Hazel opens the door. she needs to collect herself, and if she's being honest, she can't help but hope that if she just waits long enough he'll leave.

it was so good to see him again in one piece and whole. but Hazel doesn't think she's ready to pay the price for that peace of mind.]

You could've just texted if you wanted something back.

[she assumes what seems like the most logical conclusion: something must have reminded Josuke of the gifts he'd given her and he wants them back. he could have left anything he was returning at the door, and all the other explanations that took into account the long silence...she doesn't want to think of them. she'd been screamed at enough this month.

the door may be open, but it's hard to see anything except the top half of the hand holding it that way. Hazel's angled herself so that she has a barrier against anything that might happen in the coming seconds. it's been what feels like forever, but she still knows how to run. all she needs is a few moments.]

[It feels like forever. The seconds. The minutes. All the time that passes between catching a glimpse of Hazel at the window and waiting for her to open the front door. Hoping that she won't leave him standing there looking like a fool all alone. It feels like he may never hear the sound of the knob turning or hear the hinges whine under the weight of solid wood, that he may never see Hazel's face again because she's chosen to ignore him until he goes away...

And he'd deserve that, he thinks. He wouldn't blame Hazel at all if she never wanted to see or speak to him again. After the hell he'd put her through, after all she'd given him and all he'd taken from her, he wouldn't tell her she was wrong.

But just when he's starting to believe that this attempt at an apology is in vain, just when he feels his heart sinking in his chest like an old ship out at sea, the door opens.]

Uh...

[His words fail him and she speaks instead, filling the silence with her own doubts, with a current that threatens to drag him under if he doesn't fight back. But what can he say when he doesn't quite understand what he hears coming from her? All nine words spoken may as well be in a foreign language for his ability to comprehend their meaning. How can she think he wants anything back?

What could he possibly want back besides her?]

I...actually, I wanted to talk. If you got a minute.

[it's something bad. Hazel's chest tightens up so much she almost feels like she should be gasping for air in the awful anticipation of what's to come. it was hard enough to see that hateful look on Josuke's face when his mind hadn't been his own. how was she going to bear it now?]

I don't really think there's anything worth talking about face to face.

[well, that isn't completely true. there's nothing she wants to talk about in person; the words would hurt all the same, but with the barrier of the communicator she thinks the edge would be taken off just enough to be manageable. it's not like she didn't deserve any of it.

her fingers flex and relax on the door several times as she searches within her own jumbled panic for what she wants to say next. in the end, she suspends her own authority on this matter. what she wanted wasn't important after all - and truly, Hazel would suffer through anything just to look at him a little while longer.]

But if you want to, I guess. We can talk in my room.

[she's spinning back from the door almost before she's finished talking, keeping her face shielded and pace brisk. there's that part of her mired in memory that balks at showing her back to him, but the desire to hide as much as possible wins out over that residual fear.]

[Not for the first time, something Hazel has done leaves Josuke feeling winded, his lungs robbed of the breath they need to take, his chest empty of the breath he needs to keep his world from spinning, to keep the pain at bay.

There's nothing worth talking about face-to-face, she says. But there is. There's so much he needs to say, so much he wants for her to hear. Could he really only be considering his own desires? Is the apology he wants to deliver more for his own sake than it is hers?

Practically choking on guilt, he stares at the door a while after she says they can talk in her room. Stares until he realizes she's walked away and left it open for him to enter on his own. And even then it takes him a moment longer to work up the courage to push it open the rest of the way, to step through, to lift his gaze so that he can rest his eyes upon her retreating back...

She won't even look at him.

He should just go. It's not too late...except his feet refuse to carry him back outside to the front step. Habit takes over. His shoes come off. And as he plods slowly down the hall toward her, as they make their way to her room, he's reminded of the time he chased Hazel down the street in only his socks. Of the way his feet had stung, but of how much he'd risked losing and how much more painful that would have been if he hadn't gone after her.

It's no different now. The floor's a little softer than cement. But if he doesn't keep moving forward he could lose Hazel forever and the thought of that is more terrifying than anything. Josuke's not good at losing people. He never has been.

When they get to her room, he waits for her to enter before following her inside at a distance and closing the door softly behind him.]

Hazel...?

[the door clicks shut almost imperceptibly and immediately Hazel feels boxed in. she moves to lean up against her desk, the furthest point in the room away from Josuke, and tries to fight that down. she hates that she's associating these awful things with him, and of course that turns back around to pierce herself. can't even do this right, can she?

this is going to be rough, but she can survive it. if this is what Josuke needed to get some closure and move on, she could at least give him that. her hands clench the edge of her desk almost compulsively, holding on tight enough that a normal person would find themselves white-knuckled by now. she could do this. she had to.]

So what's up?

[her gaze may be resting on the door just next to Josuke's head rather than his face, but she at least manages to force out a smile. it's brittle, but she hopes that he won't be able to tell at this distance.

maybe he just wanted an apology from her. she should have given him one immediately, but the silence had hurt her too much. it was easier to crawl away like the coward she was.]

[There isn't any relief to be found in the way Hazel finally looks at him. Standing on the opposite side of the room, Josuke would be amazed if she could find another inch of distance to put between them. Amazed, and yet...not at all surprised. If he were her, he wouldn't want to be near him either.

But he's here now. He may as well do what he came all this way to do. A block or so that felt like miles. Weeks that felt like years. What is his shame compared to that? To how much suffering he inadvertently thrust upon Hazel by falling away?

By running for the first time from a problem he didn't know how to handle, from a mistake he didn't know how to fix. If it could even be fixed.]

I...

[His throat is dry and the sound that comes out is hoarse. He takes a breath. And then...

...kneels and bows his head, gaze and forehead anchored to the ground. He doesn't dare to look up, not wanting to insult Hazel by making insincere this apology. She has to know where it comes from. That from the bottom of his heart, that in the very core of his soul, he is sorry for what he wasn't strong enough to keep from happening. That he couldn't protect her. That he wasn't good enough and because he wasn't good enough she had to lose so much. Had to perish alone in an unfamiliar jungle with the face of someone she should have been able to trust looming over her and those shadows he'd only pretended to save her from lurking not far away...

It takes absolutely everything he has to keep his shoulders from shaking.]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. If you hate me, I understand. If you never want to see me again, I'll leave. You deserve someone who won't fail you...who won't hurt you. Who can uphold their promise to protect you. And if you let me, I want to be that person still, but I don't have a right to ask that of you. But if you let me, I won't stop at anything to prove myself, to keep this from happening again. I...I'm already trying. I couldn't come here without being able to offer you that much...

[there were a lot of scenarios that had been floating in Hazel's mind the moment she'd seen Josuke standing on her doorstep - and the one unfolding now bore absolutely no similarities to any of them.

he kneels and her hands leave the desk to curl up in front of her, uncertain and caught in some half-defensive posture with hitched shoulders. he starts to talk and she can feel herself staring dully at his bowed head, the world slowly drifting away around her feet. Josuke's sorry..?

there's a measure of silence after he finishes that hangs between them with agonizing weight. it's so silly that for the first few moments all Hazel can think is that if he stays the way he is he's going to mess up his hair.

but she moves, finally, the quiet rustling of her fabric seemingly magnified in the quiet. Hazel drops down into a crouch, bracing her weight with an outstretched hand as she tries to angle herself to catch a glimpse of his face. she chews her bottom lip fiercely before finally managing to force out a response.]

Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong.

[Hazel looks absolutely terrified right now, the shock too great for her to even attempt to hide her emotions. she doesn't understand what's happening, what's being said, and that inability to grasp is more frightening that any violent words could ever have been.]

[Josuke is still like the earth, firmly rooted in place and in silence until Hazel makes her way towards him and tries, in a way that is uniquely hers, to peer into his face. It's so like something she would have done before that Josuke is taken aback by the glimpse and his expression softens for a moment. He looks up at her, partially lifted from his bow, and he's just as confused as she is, just as afraid.

How could she think he was innocent? How could she think he'd done nothing wrong?]

I wasn't ready to take on someone like that, but I tried anyway. And that didn't just put you at risk, it...

[Again, he looks away, back to the floor between them.]

It's because I wasn't strong enough to resist Pan's magic that I hurt—[No, that's not exactly truthful. The truth is...]—killed you. Hazel, I remember everything. My head was reeling. I could feel that something wasn't right, but I kept ignoring that feeling and because I ignored it you suffered. Because of me you were in so much pain. Because of me...you died. I couldn't stop Pan. I couldn't keep you safe. I couldn't do anything except take from you the one thing I've wanted to give you more than anything else all this time. That's why I'm apologizing.

[he does remember. she'd known after he'd refused to contact her, but hearing it aloud is still a blow. the rest of his supposed wrongs don't phase her the way that does, because-]

It's nothing I didn't deserve.

[she should have stayed in the ground if there was any justice in the world. but the dead do cling to life, and so here she was all the time. that was all on Hazel, not him.]

I shouldn't have done it like that, but when people cast memory spells at home you don't usually remember any of it. So I thought it'd be like that here, and I thought-

[that he wouldn't kill her. that she could be a real hero for five goddamn seconds. stupid.]

It was a good reminder. I needed it.

[she brushes some hair back with her free hand, trying to channel that anxious energy into something productive. she's glossing things over and skating terribly close to lying and doing things with Josuke that she hadn't done since - ever, she realizes with a sick jolt.

this was the sort of runaround she'd give at home, not with him. what a pathetic creature she was; an entire year to open herself up, and it only took a single week to come crashing back down and end up worse off than at the beginning.]

It's ok. You don't need to keep carrying this around.

[A familiar feeling pierces Josuke and gives him courage where only fear had resided seconds before—a deluge of indignation that can only come from having something so important to him as to define a part of him threatened or insulted by another.]

Stop it!

[He doesn't dare reach for Hazel's hands the way that he wants, but he does look straight at her and refuse to tear his gaze away this time.]

You didn't do anything wrong! Not a damn thing, Hazel. If it wasn't for how hard you fought and how long you held on, if you hadn't kept calling my name, I might have killed someone else. So the only thing you deserve for what you did? Is my eternal gratitude for being so fucking selfless and brave.

[He hadn't realized it then, hadn't even realized it before now, but the determination with which Hazel had fought against him, the peaceful way she'd tried to resolve their conflict, the love she'd refused to relinquish, not only was it commendable, but it was probably the only way anyone could have hoped to reach him through Pan's magic. And maybe she had reached him. Too late to save her own life, but not too late to save anyone else...]

I am never going to forget what you did for me. I'm never going to forget what you said.

[the suddenly sharp tone has Hazel skittering back so fast that she loses her balance; her rear hits the ground and her eyes screw shut, acting on instinct and bracing for a blow that doesn't come.

her shame at that horrible reaction doesn't have time to bloom on her face, likely the only mercy she's going to be shown today. instead Hazel opens her eyes again to see Josuke staring straight at her...and speaking from the heart.]

I'm...

[she tries to interrupt him once, but the protestation is too soft and half-formed to make any headway. Hazel is just left with these wonderful things from a wonderful person - and they just keep coming, piling on and driving her close to tears.

he can't possibly be talking about her. none of this sounded like anything she'd done or was even capable of doing. her jaw works convulsively, trying once more to spit some words out.]

You shouldn't. Anyone could have done it better.

[there were people who cared about Josuke just as fiercely as she did, she was sure. any of them could have reawoken him, probably could have broken the spell then and there rather than having to battle the source of it head-on days later.

she looks away from him almost frantically, unable to take that intensity of that stare any longer. Hazel has no idea what she's even gazing at now, doesn't care as long as it's not him.]

Please, just - just stop, ok? I get that you feel bad, but you don't have to fucking do this.

[it must be this. his guilt was driving him to try and return because he felt like he'd wronged her. in her failure Hazel had ended up trapping him even worse than than she'd allowed herself to follow her less than platonic feelings. not for the first time this month, she feels lower than garbage.]

[Hazel's instinctual response to flee following Josuke's outburst is painful but nevertheless one he expects. It wouldn't be natural if she wasn't afraid of him or what he could do to her after what happened in Neverland. In fact, a lack of fear would be completely unacceptable because it would mean that for however brave she could be, for however selfless, commonsense was lost on her.

At least now Josuke knew she had a sense of self-preservation after all...]

You don't get it. No one else could have done what you did.

[He sits back on his legs and raises his right hand to the left side of his chest.]

I'm not here because I feel bad, I'm here because you deserve an apology and I want to make things right. I'm here because I gave you my heart, and if you still want it...it'd be more than I deserve and more than I have any right to ask of you.

[And yet, here he is asking anyway. Asking her to stay and to not turn him out, asking because what would he do without her? She was as much a part of his life as his friends back in Morioh were, as much a part of his life as his hometown was itself, because she's been with him here from day one, she's been his friend, his anchor, the one to revitalize him and pick him up when he's down, the one to keep his ego in check when it gets a little over-inflated...and the one person who's never left, who he can always come back to.]

Just this once, please don't be stupid and actually hear what it is I'm telling you? I wanna be with you if you'll still let me. Hell, I'd take just being your friend if I could stay by your side.

[a hand reaches up to her collarbone, pressing against what must be some kind of necklace underneath her shirt. after a week of silence she'd carefully put together every gift Josuke had ever gift her in a box, filling in the things she'd used with an estimated price. it had stung to see an entire year boiled down to a small box and some dollars signs, but she knew that these weren't hers to keep anymore.

Josuke's button, ironically the thing he'd probably have wanted to see returned most, had escaped the inventory. she just couldn't bring herself to part with it.]

...I don't get it.

[she's just parroting back his words now, but Hazel really can't think of anything more accurate. her face scrunches up and she shakes her head sharply, fighting so hard to keep the tears at bay. this was the worst possibly time to start coming apart at the seams.]

There's no reason to stay!

[Hazel had begun this relationship with nothing to offer. now she had even less - had taken some horrible things from the person who mattered most. try as she might, she just can't understand why Josuke is still here and insisting so hard that he wanted to remain.

in a way, that was more upsetting than anything else. here he was, practically begging to be in her life, and all she could do was wonder who the hell he was looking at when he says those things - it certainly isn't her.]

You're wrong.

[Josuke shakes his head and, very slowly, pushes himself back to his feet again.

She hadn't begun their friendship or their relationship with nothing to offer. From the very beginning, Hazel had given Josuke the most important thing anyone could hope to acquire from another person in a lifetime let along a single day: trust. And what was taken from him in Neverland, that wasn't something she was responsible for. It wasn't something that Josuke had ever thought to blame her for, not once. The fault was Pan's...and his own. In Neverland, Hazel had still managed to give to him. She had given him a chance. She had given him memories. And she had given him hope.

He'd be a fool not to want to remain with her. A fool not to want to be by her side, to not do everything he could to be able to hold her again like he's done so many times in this very room.]

There are so many reasons to stay I've lost count, but I only need one.

[He's afraid she'll pull away again, but that's a risk Josuke's willing to take as he starts toward her and crouches down a short distance away.]

When I'm with you, Hazel, I forget that I'm not just thousands of miles away from home, but an entire world apart. I feel like home's right here. That's why I couldn't make that wish.

[running a second time is out of the question right now. Hazel feels like she's frozen as she watches him approach, her eyes as wide as dinner plates. she's finally looking at him head on for more than a few moments and, god, it was so good to see him whole again. even in the middle of this turmoil she can't help the thought.]

That's so stupid.

[it's a vain attempt at brushing this whole thing (and him) off, but she's too broken to give the effort it requires. how could she? the person she cared about the most in any world had just told her she felt like home. she had a place in Josuke's eyes that was so precious he wasn't even willing to risk it with silly superstitions.

is it any wonder that she begins to cry? Hazel can feel the tears running down her face - real tears, a mockery of emotion that she's still not used to - and that's all it takes for her to teeter over the edge.

her entire face crumples and she begins to make those all too familiar sobbing noises. Hazel wants so badly to get away and hide somewhere, but she knows that's not possible; the frustration shows clear on her face, even through the tears. her body shrinks inward as she attempts to make herself disappear instead and only serves to highlight just how small she is.

hands scrub uselessly at her eyes, desperately trying to stem the flow. someone wanted her. someone thought she was worth walking through a catastrophe to be with again. and how did she repay that? by sitting in front of them in a pathetic heap with all of her vulnerabilities on full display. she didn't deserve any of it.]

If following my heart's stupid, then I guess I'm the biggest idiot of them all.

[Josuke shrugs. He's been called worse. There were worse things he could be, too. Of course, knowing what he wants in his heart, knowing that he now has some idea of how to protect that desire, none of it means he has any right to. He can't hold her like he wants or wipe away the tears streaming down her cheeks the way he should. The only person who can give him back that privilege is Hazel, and until she does, until he has her explicit permission and knows beyond a shred of a doubt that she still wants him, he's not going to cross that line.]

I...

[He takes a breath before holding open his arms. Prepared for the rejection, but being unable to sit there as she cries and offer her nothing but his silence.]

Hazel, I love you. Whatever you want...I'll do it. If it makes you happy, that's all I care about.

[And only a fraction of what he owes her.]

[a battle flares up in Hazel's mind the moment he opens his arms. the one thing that she's wanted since first pulling back the curtain was to pull Josuke into a tight hug and never let go - even if she knew that wasn't something she was allowed anymore. just seeing that her efforts hadn't been in vain and he was restored to himself, it had filled her up with so many warm feelings.

now, with the opportunity presented to her, she has to acknowledge that what's holding her back is fear. deep down, Hazel is afraid that as soon as she makes a motion this entire thing is going to collapse around her. if she moves too quickly she'll disrupt some invisible force and he'll be gone from her life forever. this was immensely painful, but at least right now Josuke was still here.

but could she be content with that? Hazel's forced herself to become accustomed to half-measures and unhappy compromises ever since her first resurrection. she wasn't worth anything more - should be getting less, really, and so she'd been trained to never voice a complaint. this was all she'd ever have.

and then she'd met Josuke and that had suddenly ceased to be the case. over and over, he'd told her through words and actions that she had every right to the full experience of life. the people who told her she couldn't have real happiness were wrong, and it was only her choices that could prevent that.

so, then. what did Hazel want..?

slowly, with all the trepidation of someone sticking their hand into a lion's cage, Hazel reaches out. she grasps his wrist and holds it for a beat, then two, just hanging on as she waits to see if there's a hidden storm of rejection waiting in the wings.

nothing happens. he's still there. and that's really all it takes for Hazel to practically throw herself at him, arms wrapping tightly around his neck in an embrace that she'd been desperate to give for weeks.]

I thought you weren't coming back!

[she's probably wailing right into his ear now, but she doesn't give a damn. she had been so absolutely certain that she'd lost her world forever, and now it had come back to her. miracles like that weren't reserved for creatures like Hazel.]

[She can wail for as long as she likes, it only reinforces in Josuke's mind that he made the right decision to come and see her, to apologize to her and give her the choice to stay with him or walk away. After all, it was her choice to make, not his. After what had happened, after what he'd put her through, even if it hadn't really been him at all...she deserved that.

And being able to hold her again for it, knowing she missed him as much as he missed her, it's all the reward he needs. He couldn't be more grateful or happy. And that's why he doesn't cringe away, he just holds her tighter and buries his face against her shoulder and in the short ends of her hair.]

I wasn't sure you wanted me to come back...

[He wasn't sure and he was terrified of being turned away, but the fear of Hazel never knowing just how sorry he was or that he would live every day of his life making sure she never had a reason to doubt or fear him again was far greater. In the end, he'd only ever had one choice, and that had been to put the fate of 'them' in her hands.]

...'m not going anywhere now, though. I'll keep you safe, I promise.

How could I ever not want you? You're my fucking best friend.

[and more, far more, but somehow this paltry little phrase seems sufficient in her raw voice. Hazel is trembling like a leaf caught in a storm, her little body practically vibrating from the effort to contain everything she's feeling, and still she doesn't care. she's back where she wants to be the most, and this time the arms around her are filled with nothing but love.

a hand manages to wrench itself away from the death grip she's got on Josuke to cradle the back of his head, gentle even as she presses him closer and erases the nonexistent space remaining between them. there's still that fear that if she loses track of them her one perfect miracle will vanish, but he seems to have quelled that already without even trying - and Hazel does hope he means that literally as well as figuratively, because she's too shy to ask him to remain overnight.]

And that's not really hard to do, you know? Just don't - don't look at me like that again.

[she'd wanted to bring herself out of this tornado of sobbing she seemed to have been caught up in, but Hazel's watery joke falls apart almost as soon as she makes it.

she hadn't meant to talk about this; it wasn't Josuke looking out at her from behind those hateful eyes, and she feels shameful even remotely implying she blamed him for something he couldn't help. still - to be despised like that by the person who had kept her moving forward at her darkest moments...she doesn't think she could survive it a second time.]

[Josuke nods. Hazel's request is simple enough, after all. And if he's fortunate...

No, fortune has nothing to do with it. Either he can grant her wish or he can't. And if he's to stay by her side, he has to believe that he can. That nothing will ever again give Hazel a reason to fear him.]

Never again.

[It seems a small promise to make, but Josuke means it with every fiber of his being. What Hazel doesn't know, of course, is that Josuke has a request for her in turn. The only thing he has any right to ask of her after everything...

He squeezes her tightly before leaning back far enough to look down at her.]

There's just one thing...I need you to trust that whatever I said in Neverland wasn't true. That anything bad happening to you isn't 'nothing' to me. Wasn't even 'nothing' back then. I kept remembering things that seemed so far away, like they weren't really my memories, you know? But I was remembering because of you. And even if it didn't keep me from...what I'm trying to say is, if it wasn't for you, a lot more people might of gotten hurt. You said you wanted to be a good guy for once, but you don't seem to realize that you already are, you always have been.

[when Josuke moves back one of her hands comes down to scrub at her face while the other remains clinging to him. the tears have slowed to nearly a halt but she can't keep herself from wiping over and over again - she's not used to crying anymore, has gone so long that the wet feeling on her cheeks is nearly alien.

trust him? of course she trusts him. even when that faith had killed her, Hazel doesn't hesitate; this was something worth believing in over and over, no matter how many times it might hurt her. (but it won't be Josuke who does it next time, she knows that for certain)

and even now, when it's so hard to hear him say those things about her, Hazel thinks that perhaps she should trust in that too. her mind strays inevitably to that moment just before her death when he'd put her arms around her with such aching familiarity and she'd thought that maybe, just maybe, she really was getting through to him.

at the time, it had seemed that hope was just another failure to throw onto the pile. now she's wrong in a different way, and the knowledge that she really did manage to protect Josuke from himself hurts in a wonderful terrible way.]

I'm-

["good."

the sentence still can't pass her lips in completion. Hazel breaks her gaze to stare down at herself, ashamed both of the attempt and its failure.

she can believe everything else, even if it seems impossible, because she's been enveloped in this warm regard before and because it was important enough for Josuke to ask it of her at a time when he didn't think he deserved that privilege. but good? that she had always been good? her very being recoils from the idea.

it's because she was afraid, and she knows it. she's absolutely terrified of taking hold of that belief and accepting it as the truth; it seems like too much, too big a con to pull on the universe. would everything else unravel if she allowed herself that unearned honor? and really, who could look at her rotting soul and see what Hazel herself didn't?

she can't say it, but she can say something just as heartfelt. her lips pull into a small watery smile and she manages to look up at Josuke again, because he deserves to see just how much he means to her.]

I'm glad.

[that she had finally managed to aid something so important to her, and that she was important enough to hear those words. it was a beautiful feeling.]

[Josuke knows that it'll take more than a few heartfelt words to get through to Hazel, to give her a glimpse of herself through his eyes, but even if she doesn't wholly agree with him, she doesn't dispute his claims, either. It means he has a long fight still ahead of him, but as far as starting positions go, theirs isn't half as bad as it could be. And that's nothing to turn his nose up at.

Reaching out to her slowly, he brushes the pad of his thumbs over her cheeks and helps to wipe away lingering tears that he hadn't known she could still cry. When did that happen? It couldn't be his doing, could it? Because he remembers...she'd cried back in Pan's jungle, too. It hadn't meant anything to him then, but now—it's all he can do not to bombard her with questions about how it's even possible.

One can't hurt though, right?

He nods to his damp fingers before taking her head back in his hands and bringing her face close to his. Leaning his forehead against hers.]

Hey, what's all this, Hazel? If you're glad, why're you crying?

Well, you know...

[he doesn't, and she doesn't know much more. it's easy to pinpoint what had triggered the change, and what made her capable of crying at all, but the why remained elusive. Hazel can guess, of course, but it doesn't make her feel particularly great about herself - it's such a slimy reason, just more lies meant to fool people and dress up a corpse.

she rests a hand atop his and laughs quietly, the first time the sound has rung true in quite a long time. it always seemed as if she were a few breaths away from falling apart, even when her body decided to act a little more human. this close again, though, it's hard to be as upset with that.]

Just making up for lost time, I guess.

Lost time, huh?

[That was the premise that the beginning of their friendship had been built upon. Josuke had wanted to give Hazel all the opportunities she'd missed out on in life. He'd wanted her to feel like the world was her playground, like anything was possible—and now it seems it really is.

He chuckles, smiling at her and shaking his head.]

Alright, maybe, but dry your eyes, huh? 'Cause there's still one more thing I gotta tell you. Actually, it's the reason I was able to find the courage to come here.

One more thing? Better slide it in quick, 'cause I think I'm all tapped out on news today.

[it's a good sign that she's at least trying to do a little teasing, right? Hazel certainly hopes so, because otherwise it's nothing more than a very sad, weak offering. she's pretty sure she's had enough of that to last a lifetime.

what else could he have to tell her, though? it's hard to think of what the impetus to speaking with her again could have been after how long his silence had stretched out. even as she sniffles (unnecessarily) her focus is entirely on Josuke.]

Don't sweat it, I mean...it's not earth-shattering. You're safe. I just really think you should know this.

[After all, it was news that could take his promises and turn them into something real, something greater than mere words could ever hope to be. That something would be the one thing keeping Josuke from feeling guilty about staying by Hazel's side. Because it was the one thing he could give Hazel that would allow him to prove he was worth his word. And, hopefully, worth being her friend and more.]

Alright, so...part of the reason I didn't come 'round sooner was because...well, I couldn't. Not empty-handed, at least. See, I wanna be able to give you more than just a promise that shit isn't gonna happen again, so I found someone who can help me with that. Who's pretty experienced with like, mind stuff?

[she wants to tell him that she doesn't need anything more than a promise - probably shouldn't even warrant something that serious - but that would take away from the weight of what he's trying to tell her, so Hazel refrains. she simply squeezes the hand hers is resting atop and continues listening.]

What, like a psychic? [she exhales gently] Surprised you found one that'd give you the time of day.

[psychics of all stripes have always been a pain in the ass to deal with, and Hazel's experiences in this world have only reinforced that belief.]

What'd you ask them to do?

Yeah, exactly like a psychic.

[Josuke squishes Hazel's cheeks before letting both their hands drop to the space in between them.]

I'll be honest, it wasn't easy to get him to help. We uh...we kinda don't get along. Like, at all? Or we didn't! I dunno, it's a little weird but I mean, it's also not the first time I've had to cooperate with a total ass? Though I guess he's not a total ass if he's helping...

[He blinks and then shakes his head.]

Uh, what I'm trying to say is, I asked him to help me strengthen my mental defenses. We haven't had a real lesson yet, so I dunno exactly how he's gonna handle everything, but he doesn't strike me as the kinda guy who'll beat around the bush.

Sounds kinda like one I know.

[but it can't be the same one, because even in his best state Tetsuo would probably have to have had his ass kicked to hell and back before he ever agreed to help anyone. especially if there was nothing in it for him.

still, Hazel's doing a pretty good impression of her friend in the way her cheeks briefly puff out petulantly after being manhandled. excuse you, she's not a doll!]

But I guess that's what you want with keeping assholes out of your mind.

[to tell the truth, she's terrified of that sort of magic. her thoughts are the last refuge that Hazel has - and she's well aware that even a moderately skilled necromancer can take them from her at any moment.]

Yeah, about that, we're probably talking about the same person.

[Shifting so that he's sitting flat on his ass next to her, Josuke pulls Hazel against his side, one arm looped around her shoulder, the other drawn around a knee he hikes to his chest.]

Tetsuo...I asked him to help because [he'll be relentless] you're his friend, because he understands what it means to have you in his life. And to not have you.

[He's sorry, Hazel. To get Tetsuo to help, he had to tell him about what happened in Neverland. Even if he'd wanted to keep the details to himself, he wasn't able to. Tetsuo had pried them out...which just proved to Josuke how much help he actually needed to keep his mind safe. To make it his own again.]

Don't tell him I said this, but...after what happened, I think he kind of needs this, too. Pan took something important from him. Tetsuo needs to take it back and...maybe this'll help.

[she leans into him heavily, fingers rising and falling again in an aborted attempt to hang onto the arm slung comfortingly around her shoulder. it used to be a natural motion but it seems even reconciliation hasn't banished her newfound hesitance.]

You asked Tetsuo?

[she laughs, but it's not enough to cover up the note of genuine distress in her voice. her hand tucks and untucks strands of hair behind her ear, fussing to both keep herself busy and shield her face.]

Christ, he's going to be so pissy with me the next time I see him. Probably burned his ass that somebody else bumped me off instead...

[it's that same light tone, but the words just keep coming out wrong - the more Hazel speaks, the clearer she seems to be projecting her unhappiness. eventually she just gives up completely and stares at her socked feet for a moment.]

You're right, though. It'll be good for him.

[she still can't shake the memory of that broken boy she'd visited the day after Pan's veil had lifted. it had seemed so impossible that he was the same friend constantly threatening to break her in half, puffed to bursting with ego, now huddled in his sheets like a drowned cat.

they were all working to heal him, everyone crowded into Nonah 5, but some things couldn't come from the outside. Tetsuo had to take himself back alone in the end.]

I don't know about that, you didn't see how angry he got...

[And Tetsuo had been so terribly angry, seething with rage and almost out of control. That anger, though, Josuke knows it wasn't directed solely at him. Some of it belonged to Pan, for what he'd done to Tetsuo. For all he'd taken away. For his numerous betrayals and how they seemed to keep coming, even after Neverland had disappeared and Heropa had been restored. That anger...Josuke understands it. He's been that angry himself in the past. An anger borne from so much undeserved hurt.]

Ah... [He gives a bit of a start, realizing he's fallen silent and lifts his free hand to scrub at the back of his head.] Anyway, maybe he'll still be pissy, because when isn't he? But it probably won't be for that reason.

I think your friendship means a lot to him.

[The way it means a lot to Josuke. To everyone who's friends with her, in fact. Because Hazel has a way of being with people that lets them be themselves. Their best and their worst selves—their whole selves. And who doesn't want to be with someone like that?]

That's what everyone keeps telling me.

[a tiny huff of air, somewhere between amused and mystified. it's not as angry a delivery as Kaneda's had been, but hearing those words again hits her just as hard. Hazel's resigned herself to one-sided relationships and understood that she would never receive the regard she felt for people in return. it was fine that way, and once she'd accepted the world as it was she could go about pouring her energy down the metaphorical black hole.

to find an exception to that reality was surprising. to be told, over and over, that one of those exceptions was a sulky teen - one who had thrown her against trees and exhausted the dictionary looking for new threats to hurl, who rose to her taunts time and again, who let her come into his life no matter how much of it was falling down around him...

he'd gotten mad? about her? the thought makes her want to cry again, but it comes out as a smile - and maybe that's just as right.]

I keep hoping he'll grow out of it.

You know, if everyone's telling you the same thing, it might be worth believing in.

[After all, it isn't like the question here is whether or not the world is flat or round, it's whether or not Hazel is a person worth becoming invested in and holding onto.

And the answer? Unequivocally yes.

Brushing Hazel's hair back off her forehead, Josuke plants a kiss between her eyes and grins down at her.]

Tetsuo's not gonna grow out of having you as a friend. I mean, that'd require him to grow up, first...and since that isn't happening ever, I really don't think you can count on him outgrowing you, either.

[Nor should it. Because, if Josuke's being completely honest with himself, he thinks Hazel needs someone like Tetsuo as much as Tetsuo needs her. They understand each other in ways their other friends can't, and that isn't something Josuke's jealous of...not this time. It's something he wants to support. For both Hazel and Tetsuo's sake. They've both lost enough. It's about time they were able to hold onto something.]

[she feels a little bit like she's back in the first month of their relationship; he kisses her and she starts a little, then worries her lower lip to try and keep the shyness from showing on her face. this was probably her retribution for assuming "they" were dead and buried.]

Man, how do I keep getting stuck with all these dipshits?

[but it's said with unmistakable fondness. Hazel's finally at the point where she won't shy away from calling Tetsuo a friend - but there's a sort of permanence in that statement that she's still not really used to. people didn't stick around. people didn't need her.]

[Josuke doesn't really have a response to Hazel's comment, but maybe that's for the best. After all, the reason she finds herself 'stuck' with 'dipshits' is plain to see, isn't it? For all that she squalls and carries on and thinks herself capable of (and even likely to) push everyone in her life away, her personality does accomplishes the exact opposite. Try telling Josuke different, and he'll point out every friend she's made in this place. There's no doubt in his mind that they outnumber the people who can't stand Hazel or who hate her.

Tousling her hair, he pushes himself up off the floor and then holds his hand out to her. She hasn't kicked him out yet, but she hasn't exactly asked him to stay, either. He's tempted, though, to hang around as long as she'll let him, because he's missed this. Missed being close, missed hearing her voice, being able to look at her face, being able to tease her and be teased in return...it feels like this is how things should be. Or at least...it feels like they're on the road back to becoming what they were before. And that's a start. A great start, one that Josuke's reluctant to let go of. It's not wrong to want to bask a little in the moment, is it? Even if that moment should last the whole night?]

You getting sick of me being here yet, or do you mind if I hang around a little while longer?

[They could watch some movies, even. It'd be like before this whole mess with Pan.]

[she takes the hand she doesn't need, fingers twining with his to prevent escape. it was a little pathetic, but Hazel really doesn't want to break contact with him right now. the free hand moves to fiddle with her freshly mussed hair, the action more something for her to focus on than an endeavor she expected to really succeed.]

...can you stay?

[it's been so long since she's framed this subject with Josuke as a question that she can't even recall the last instance. but Hazel feels almost obligated to give him a choice to leave if he needs it - a breather to recover from everything that's already happened today.

maybe it would be better if he eased back into this anyway; she knows what she wants him to say, but even now she's not really in a position to make demands like that. this was the best she had.]

[It's the fact that she doesn't ask him what he wants, the way she phrases her question, that tells Josuke she would prefer him to stay. So he nods, his hand squeezing hers a little tighter before he simply lets go.

And then wraps both arms tightly around her, instead. Rests his chin atop her head. Holds her against him in an embrace that says he's just as reluctant to put any space between them.

For as long as he's wanted, that's how long he'll stay. It doesn't matter if what might be better for him is easing back into this, because he's far more concerned with what's better for her. And, in a way, taking care of her is taking care of himself. He'll be fine. Just as long as Hazel is, too.]

I got no place else to be.

[No place else he'd rather be, either. It's nice here, with her. It feels...even shaken up as it is, like home. A place he can always come back to.

Does she feel the same way about him, he wonders? ...he really hopes so. Even if he doesn't have the right to want that, he still does. In spite of everything, he still wants it like nothing else.]

[where do you want to go? the Doctor had asked her that once, when they'd spoken his attempts to breach the other worlds. she didn't want to go home or stay here, so where was it she wanted to be?

she'd been too shy to admit it then, but Hazel can at least be honest with herself now: this is what she wants. wherever Josuke is, that's where she's happiest. it's pathetic to be following someone around like that, but she doesn't have it in her to care. when they're together she's Hazel and she's loved for that. who could ever think about letting that go?

she returns the embrace just as enthusiastically, hands bunching up the fabric of his shirt to cling as tightly as she can. everything was really going to be alright. Hazel can't help smiling into his chest.]

Good.

[she wants to remember this, too. this miraculous triumph, she wants to lock it away in the same place she keeps the memory of their first kiss. it's just as elating, after all.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Keep on dreaming, don't stop breathing, fight those demons.

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