maskormenacelogs | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

WHO: Miles, Gregor - you're also welcome to catch Miles while he's wandering, but this is primarily for the Vor lords to find each other.
WHERE: Heropa, then De Chima
WHEN: Just previous to start of Pan plot
WHAT: Miles and Gregor find each other - and figure out what those weird headaches are all about.
WARNINGS: Probably none?

[ Miles has had a little time to figure out what's going on here - run into some interesting people in Heropa, figured out his comm, managed to both break his wrist and have it tended to. But what he can't figure out is this damn headache plaguing the back of his mind, like a strange pressure weighing down his thoughts. Nothing in his pamphlet had listed anything that looked like it was remotely close from a power perspective - though, admittedly, the description for each had been hilariously short.

In the end he finds himself pacing aimlessly along one of the boardwalks, not ready to go seek out his assigned dwelling but not much wanting to do anything else either. His mind is a frenetic whirl as digests everything he's heard and learned today.

And beneath it all, a sharp pang of homesickness. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Good enough. He's glad to let the subject - and his shame - fall away. ]

The trick is that I believe it very honestly. I was neck deep in it, out with the Dendarii.

The implication being that I'd have to fully believe I'm not the Emperor... [A short exhale. Then he murmurs,] That would be a trick, wouldn't it.

[A momentary pause.]

Although it occurs to me it must not be significantly less tricky, for you.

I am Vor to my bones. The contrast is ... difficult, sometimes.

[He makes a thoughtful noise, but is too tired pursue this line of conversation too closely. So far he's made no move to create more physical distance between them, hugely reluctant and no surprise there given how close they'd just been, but it seems to him there's some strange extra pang of regret as he peels himself away to a more appropriate distance on the couch.

In contrast to his actions, he says,] If it's any consolation, to me at least you always seem very much the same. Though that might speak more to how little pretense there has always been between us. [Miles was always precisely deferential when the occasion called for it and in all other circumstances not at all; the care with which he treats Gregor has not seemed to change significantly, from his perspective, no matter what name he's using. Either here or during the Cavilo incident. Trappings of accents and names mean little in light of that.]

Edited (differential... get out calculus) 2016-01-17 01:33 (UTC)

[ Ah. That distance does ache a bit, despite the fact that this is the closest they've ever been. Ah. Well, back to normal. ]

I'm told the effect is myself, just ... without restraint. You necessarily get less of that - or more, I suppose. And Cavilo was ... stressful, anyway.

[ He flicks his gaze back over to Gregor. Is now the time to discuss this? He wants to try and work through that, but ... ]

[Something in Gregor goes tight and flips over at the mention. It's still so near to the surface to him, like an ocean floor with all the muck stirred up, the particles as yet unsettled.

Could be better or worse, as a time for that talk.]

You needn't explain yourself to me in any case. [A breath.] You have certainly earned that in spades. [Yes, that's Gregor's way of saying he will accept with equanimity whatever personality Miles wants to adopt with him, without justification necessary.]

[ He's really not sure. Maybe not in depth, but there is one thing he must know. ]

I ... found myself comparing myself a lot to her. Naismith to Cavilo.

[ He sucks in a breath, holds it. Not truly concerned, just ... confirming. ]

[A whole tide of revulsion flashes through Gregor at that before he can stop himself.]

In the most superficial of senses, perhaps, [he tries to say with some control,] in that you are both cunning and ruthless, but hers is directionless, self-serving. You reserve your ruthlessness entirely for yourself. You've... seen some of what I saw of her. I cannot-- compare you.

[At the time, he'd tried to keep that to himself, remain detached about what had happened to him. The relief to be out of it was so strong it'd overtaken him and his real reaction had been long-delayed. Now it's had plenty of time, plus a conversation with Cordelia, to percolate.]

[ He winces to have caused that reaction, but can't help but feel relieved to have that confirmed anyway. Gregor can't have felt that way about him. Not after what they'd just gone through ... it still eases his soul a little to have that outside perception confirmed. ]

She did more to you than I knew. ... You dealt with more than I knew, to keep me alive.

[Gregor immediately has to squash a childish, petty reaction that he doesn't want to talk about this now, when he's still wrung out internally, but the truth of the matter is that if he doesn't say it now it's likely he'll never say it. Gregor in his normal faculties would never broach this topic, maybe not even with Cordelia. This is one topic he is very Barrayaran on; none of his learned Betanness seems to touch it. He has a kneejerk abhorrence for it, in the immediate way lent by real experiences instead of the imagined happenings of his father.

Nonetheless he draws subtly further away on the couch, his hands clasped between his knees, staring at them.]

What do you want me to say? [he asks plainly.] I could do no less.

[ Goddammit. He wants to work through this, but for Gregor ... it's clear this was a misstep. He pulses his apology, mentally retracting from the topic. ]

You didn't. I'm sorry, Gregor.

[ For both the topic itself and pushing it now. ]

[He'd drag himself through the topic if Miles wanted to, finding himself incapable of resisting him on much of anything right now. But he is also feeling very hollowed out, very scrutinized, and for all his abject relief and happiness on the conclusion of it, it all feels distant and empty after his weeping.

Miles saw so much of him, and it was good, yes, it was all good news, but Gregor has always been hyper-sensitive of others seeing him like that. He rubs a relieved hand down his face, sagging.]

No-- don't apologize. I just don't think I can take any more soul-diving today.

[And that is the one demon he doesn't obsess over but rather skirts around cautiously, unwilling to name it like some superstition that she'll be summoned if he does.]

[ He hesitates, then reaches out across the gap between them. Resting his hand on the side on the side of Gregor's face, if he permits it. ]

Not today then. We've been through a lot.

[The touch startles him, though not physically; Miles, again, dragging him out of his head. His gaze jerks up from his hands to meet his eyes, but he remains still, unresisting.

Lest Miles take that for unwilling complacency, Gregor's whole side of the link is correspondingly quiet, and tired, and thrumming faintly with affection pulled from him with all the unthinking consequence of an if-then statement. If Miles is touching him, Gregor is reminded of how much he cares for him.]

I didn't even think to ask. Was that very strange for you? My sense of it was... necessarily different.

Edited (THERE WERE TOO MANY, I HAD TO FIX THEM) 2016-01-17 03:24 (UTC)

[ He keeps it there, then. Lets his own affection filter back like a gentle current, not overwhelming. ]

I feel ... a bit feverish, honestly. But not as hollowed out. You were overwhelming more than anything.

[Mm, it's nice like that, just a thread of fondness to buoy himself with. He relaxes in pieces, slowly coming down from his hasty inner shoring up of his defenses at the mention of Cavilo.

He meets his eyes searchingly.] I didn't hurt you, did I? [He'd asked that earlier, but too early, it seems.]

[ He shakes his head at that. ]

Do I feel feverish to you?

[ Completely normal to the touch, at least.. ]

... You did swear to tell the truth about this. [An affirmation, not an accusation. And if Gregor knows his ability had only taken it as a literal swearing to tell the truth about whether or not he found madness, he thinks better of Miles than to believe he'd have worded it the way he did if he was going to spare his feelings on this, either.]

All right. [A long pause, before, apologetically,] I thoroughly suborned your date planning, didn't I. [Let's just say it was about date two.]

Edited (~~timelines~~ I'm sorry) 2016-01-17 03:47 (UTC)

I did. And I can swear to you that I'm fine, Gregor.

[ He's not inclined to skirt around it when there's nothing to skirt. He feels fine. Better than. (Even if he still feels hot beneath his skin in spots, but that doesn't feel wrong, just ... odd.) ]

That's all right. A little more important, I think.

No, I believe you. Just making sure. [He'd felt very compelled to, but he will accept it as it's offered, trusting him blindly.

God, it will be simply impossible to mistrust Miles after this. More impossible than it had seemed before.

He manages to scrounge up some of his normal character from somewhere, enough to say dryly,] I admit I didn't expect to get bludgeoned over the head with this today, more important or not.

[ A very faint snort at that. He lets his hand drop back down. ]

It did sort of come up suddenly ... Perhaps we ought to thank Tex for prompting it.

[He tries to suppress an instinctual rejection at the thought, but is still too raw to manage it. He knows that Miles means it as a joke and yet the thought of revealing any part of this to anyone but Miles...

Perhaps it's no surprise that Gregor would be feeling particularly sensitive right now. Tender, like newly healed flesh.]

... How did that go, your date? I only got the occasional blip from you. [Helped by Gregor attempting to shield it himself as well as Miles, rather than leaving his end of the link open. The uncomfortable sense of eavesdropping on an intimate moment hasn't left him.]

[ Ah. He gentles, then, and shies back away from the thought, even humorously meant. He decides to tread very carefully here and not charge ahead with his usual enthusiasm. (That the temptation is still there at all is a good indication of how it went in truth.) ]

I tried to block it out when we got ... er, noisy. [ A faint flush of embarrassment. ] But it went well. We're going on a second one. She is - exhilarating.

[Gregor has some surprisingly complicated feelings about the notion of Miles enjoying his date so much, but even now, raw and unable to hide much, the prevailing one is still a simple, quiet gladness for him. (And any more nuanced sadness is hard to detect underneath that.)

He might hold the leash for a lot of people, but mostly what Gregor wants to do is let the leash go, and have them find happiness. It's ten times the case for Miles.

He stretches one arm out along the back of the couch and sort of tilts to the side, resting his head on his bicep, watching Miles. He smiles slightly at his flush, just to see it.] Exhilarating, hm? So it did get noisy. I wondered.

Was the beach a good idea?

[ And Miles, oblivious, is happy to focus on that quiet gladness, not looking for shadows. Glad to focus on his own private happiness too - of someone wanting him like that, without focusing on his physical attributes exclusively. Happiness with a razor sharp edge underneath, enough to cut himself on if it were to flip. ]

Oh, yes. It went very well. She was pleased with all the prep I'd done for her more than anything else.