Ken Kaneki (金木 研) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
enucleation) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
maskormenacelogs2015-11-15 08:46 pm
enucleation) wrote in maskormenacelogs2015-11-15 08:46 pm
[ Open ]
WHO: Kaneki + ANYONE
WHERE: Forests, Heropa, De Chima, Lucky Cat Café
WHEN: Forward date to 21st to the end of the month.
WHAT: Post canon update + Catchall + All sort of shenenigans
WARNINGS: TBA. If you want a specific starter for your character, let me know!
Forest ; AROUND ANY CITY
[ Kaneki used to go to the forests to train. He never took his time to look around, to appreciate it, not since he last went with a friend – Reiner – so long ago, long before he was sent home. He trained there because it had obstacles, it has silence and solitude. This time, though, he doesn’t come for that, and instead he brings books along, several; and they aren’t books about fighting and self-defense and martial arts, like the ones he usually picks. This time he grabs an actual novels, all of them in Japanese: Kafka on the shore (by Haruki Murakami) The Lord of the Flies (William Golding), Demian (Hermann Hesse) , and a collection of several Kitahara Hakushū’s poems.
He will be found sitting under the tree, reciting one of Hakushu’s poems, one that he remember but it feels like it came from a buried memory; it makes his head hurt, right behind his eyes, but he continues nonetheless. Kaneki speaks out loud in Japanese, but isn’t it great that the communicators work mentally and automatically activate whenever a different language is spoken? ]
He is Ainu
The god of Ainu Mosir, Ae-oine Kamuy, Descendant of Okikurumi
He perishes,
A living corpse
The summer’s day
The white sunlight, Unabushi
Ends simply through his breath alone.
Beach; HEROPA
[ Sometime ago – it feels like it has been ages – Kaneki spoke to Hazel and told her he used to sketch. He still does, in fact, but he never did much besides simply grabbing a pencil and idly draw an eye or a cat at a corner of a page. But of late, he thinks it’s a shame he never did more, more than just sketching and more than just doing it when he was bored. After everything that happened, he has so many memories that are difficult to put into words; memories like flowers, and Rize, and the Reaper. Things he can’t say out loud, but float around his head, things that he doesn’t really understand very well at times because it’s so much. He can’t put them into paper either, not in a way that it’ll make sense to others. But it makes sense to him, in a way. Probably.
It doesn’t matter.
When it’s still early morning, Kaneki grabs a small sketchbook and heads to Heropa. It’s not very cold yet, but even if it was he probably wouldn’t mind much; he goes to the beach, sitting near the water – though the waves won’t be able to touch him - while he grabs a pencil and places the book on his legs, which will serve as a table. And then he just starts drawing, slowly, each line careless but with a purpose.
And eventually he fills the page with flowers, all of them Red Spider Lilies, though they aren’t colored, of course. ]
Shopping; DE CHIMA
[ Kaneki doesn’t eat, but he is indeed buy food. Actual food; meat, rice, potatoes, pasta, the whole she-bang; it’s probably strange to see a known cannibal (who can’t eat anything but people) buying food. Why is he doing that? Because he will be cooking, mostly for Mutsuki-san, Josuke and Hide, but he will be cooking. It keeps him busy, it keeps his mind away from unnecessary things.
And it gives him enough dilemmas, too. Like right this second, as he is looking at two different sauces and trying to figure out just what the heck are they for. He doesn’t think he should be buying sauces since he can’t taste them and know in what dish they’d fit, but he’d also like to try something new. He glances at the two bottles he has in his hand, until his eye catches one that says “Coffee sauce”.
Wow, really, this exists? Would it even taste good?
Of course the ghoul reaches for it to read the ingredients. It would probably taste terrible to him, but… maybe he can give it a try? He is about to make a very bad choice, certainly, but still puts the sauce in his shopping cart. ]
Lucky Cat Café; HEROPA
[ Kaneki hasn’t been there the whole week, and he isn’t planning on going back to work this month. December would be a good time to start again, but he needs to speak with the owner first and apologize for suddenly disappearing like that. At the same time, since he did work there (until further notice), Kaneki trusts the place’s coffee and that’s why he is there, too: to buy decent coffee.
Once he buys his cup at the counter, he will grab it and head to a table, trying not to bump into anyone on the way, and spill the coffee all over that person or himself. Who knows, maybe that’s what will happen. Or maybe he will reach his table peacefully, if karma is on his side today. ]
WHERE: Forests, Heropa, De Chima, Lucky Cat Café
WHEN: Forward date to 21st to the end of the month.
WHAT: Post canon update + Catchall + All sort of shenenigans
WARNINGS: TBA. If you want a specific starter for your character, let me know!
Forest ; AROUND ANY CITY
He will be found sitting under the tree, reciting one of Hakushu’s poems, one that he remember but it feels like it came from a buried memory; it makes his head hurt, right behind his eyes, but he continues nonetheless. Kaneki speaks out loud in Japanese, but isn’t it great that the communicators work mentally and automatically activate whenever a different language is spoken? ]
He is Ainu
The god of Ainu Mosir, Ae-oine Kamuy, Descendant of Okikurumi
He perishes,
A living corpse
The summer’s day
The white sunlight, Unabushi
Ends simply through his breath alone.
Beach; HEROPA
It doesn’t matter.
When it’s still early morning, Kaneki grabs a small sketchbook and heads to Heropa. It’s not very cold yet, but even if it was he probably wouldn’t mind much; he goes to the beach, sitting near the water – though the waves won’t be able to touch him - while he grabs a pencil and places the book on his legs, which will serve as a table. And then he just starts drawing, slowly, each line careless but with a purpose.
And eventually he fills the page with flowers, all of them Red Spider Lilies, though they aren’t colored, of course. ]
Shopping; DE CHIMA
And it gives him enough dilemmas, too. Like right this second, as he is looking at two different sauces and trying to figure out just what the heck are they for. He doesn’t think he should be buying sauces since he can’t taste them and know in what dish they’d fit, but he’d also like to try something new. He glances at the two bottles he has in his hand, until his eye catches one that says “Coffee sauce”.
Wow, really, this exists? Would it even taste good?
Of course the ghoul reaches for it to read the ingredients. It would probably taste terrible to him, but… maybe he can give it a try? He is about to make a very bad choice, certainly, but still puts the sauce in his shopping cart. ]
Lucky Cat Café; HEROPA
Once he buys his cup at the counter, he will grab it and head to a table, trying not to bump into anyone on the way, and spill the coffee all over that person or himself. Who knows, maybe that’s what will happen. Or maybe he will reach his table peacefully, if karma is on his side today. ]
[ CLOSED ; Josuke ; 21st November ]
But those days were enough. Enough for him to see his whole world crumbling down and enough for him to lose three people in his life... and himself. He met the Reaper, Arima, The one that erased "Ken Kaneki" and the one that would bring forth "Sasaki Haise"; Kaneki died, even if his body didn't perish. After the events he experienced, kaneki knows he will lose all of his memories and whoever Kaneki used to be will no longer exist. For that to happen, not only his whole world broke, but he was broken too. Arima pierced his head twice and his stomach once: Kaneki was torn apart, in order to be reborn.
During his fight with Arima, he faced himself. He realized a lot from that: that he was such a big coward who couldn't bare loss and to be alone, he was weak just like his mother, he was a murderer, and he was so ugly. He wanted so much, but everything went wrong and he did everything wrong. He was wrong, he IS wrong. Wrong, ugly, coward, pathetic, lost. And he doesn't know what to do. All he can do is to “sleep and have a happy dream”, because he doesn't know how else to go back, how to stop being ugly, and he realized that all of his fighting has been about his own loneliness, which continues to plague him and won't stop because of the world he lives in and the world he built/destroyed for himself.
And that's why he did welcome the Reaper, in the end. He welcomes "Sasaki Haise" and the destruction of "Ken Kaneki".
But the world isn't kind to him. The Porter isn't either. And before Kaneki becomes Sasaki and finally has a happy dream, he is brought back to this world, very much on the brink of death. With the two holes in his head and the one on his stomach still present and bleeding all over, Kaneki is sent to the hospital blind, with nearly no blood and in a comatose state. He is kept there, but unfortunately for the doctors, they have no idea what to do about him, because his body doesn't allow normal procedures (how would they even close up those holes anyway?). All they could do was to provide him donated blood and water, and hope his regeneration and the nanites would quick in.
They do, but it takes time. By the 19th the holes finally close, his eyes seem to be shaping up well, and he seems to regain his speech ability, if only partially: with his brain still scrambled, all Ken does is reciting old erudite poetry from several Japanese authors. He doesn't address anyone or any sound, and simply speaks away. Next day, on the 20th, he finally answers when spoken to, but still incoherent: all he mutters are names, apologies, speaks of things he has lived but he is unable to make sense since they are all just lost sentences. "The emotion that grew within me was despair", "The pain is unbearable, I'm going to melt, melt, melting", "This body is mine", "Mom, look at me", "We are so ugly".
On the 21st, the doctors considered Kaneki aware of his surroundings for the first time ever since he got to the hospital. They'd have run more tests, but didn't dare to approach because the first thing Ken does when he opens his eyes is to get up and grab the blood bags - and drink all of them without any regards for whoever might be watching. He drunk and drunk, demanded for more, and continued to drink, like some sort of hungry vampire. He wishes he was one, but alas, blood doesn't really feed a ghoul completely. At least it'll last him for the following hours, since the doctors weren't stingy about the amounts they offered Kaneki.
And once he was done, blood all over his face, neck, hands and hospital shirt, he demands for his battle suit to be returned. Kaneki will leave now, even if the doctors are complaining that he shouldn't be doing that. He doesn't care, he doesn't want to stay at the hospital one minute longer. ]
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However, the downside of forging ahead in this world is finding that you're stuck anticipating the next name to vanish from the list of those connected to the Network.
When Josuke learns of Kaneki's disappearance, he wishes that it is the result of another system wide glitch—but knows in his gut that it is not. His suspicions are confirmed when no one can confirm having seen him, and as the hours pass, Josuke feels a sad weight settle on his shoulders. In going home, the Ken Kaneki that is his friend may vanish and cease to exist. And if he should return? If he forgets the friends he's made here, or the love he's found? Josuke will be faced with a new and frightening challenge that he's not certain he's ready for...
Trying to 'fix' Kaneki's memory.
By the next day, however, Kaneki's return to the world has gotten people talking, and Josuke being something of a gossip, doesn't take long catching wind of the news. After a few questions asked of the right people, he learns which hospital Kaneki was admitted to and informs his school that he won't be showing up for a few days due to a family emergency. It's not a lie. Ken might not be blood, might not even be the same species, but there isn't anything Josuke wouldn't do for him. The doctors and nurses are given a similar speech when they try to tell Josuke that Kaneki isn't even well enough to register his being there. All that matters to him is that Ken isn't alone.
Day in, day out, he visits. He watches television with Kaneki. Listens to Kaneki's bizarre poetry. Reads him the comics from the paper and tells him his horoscope. Confesses that he once tried his mother's makeup without her knowing. Tried on her high heels, too. Holds Ken's hand every now and again, to reassure him of the presence of another. And tries not to cry when Ken says things about himself that make his despair so apparent it hurts...
Each day he comes bearing a new present. A card. A stuffed animal. Folded origami. A photograph of the friends who love him. And today? A small vase of flowers that are abruptly shoved into the hands of a nearby nurse when Josuke arrives and hears—sees—the commotion that Kaneki is causing in part due to the state that he's in.]
Ken!
[The doctors and nurses are flustered, but they recognize Josuke as one of the people who have been consistently visiting Kaneki since he was admitted. He tells them to just...just give him a few minutes alone with Ken. It'd be fine.]
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His painful and tired eyes look around, illusions of flowers fill his vision momentarily and he remembers the beauty of that meeting with Arima, in the sewers. He remembers the pain too, but also the calm that followed and he stops what he is doing, dropping the bag of blood that the nurse catches right before it hits the floor and splatters red all around. Kaneki doesn’t respond, as if his consciousness is gone once more, and he just feels a strange numbness that spreads all around him.
What was he saying?
Someone is saying something.
Behind him Josuke asks the doctors and the nurses to give them a second and Kaneki looks back at him but there is a fraction of a second there when he just doesn’t recognize him. It doesn’t last long certainly, but his eyebrows twitch in confusion before the memory of this person is retrieved from his still healing memory. And when it finally hits him, he still has a difficult time to finally get the name out. ]
Josuke…
[ he isn’t in his world. He isn’t dead and he isn’t at a CCG quarters being brainwashed into becoming Sasaki haise. He is still Kaneki Ken, who should have died and disappeared from the world as he was, in order to have Sasaki born. Kaneki frowns in confusion and maybe frustration, but also as pain presses behind his eye – and he is quick to reach for his own head to ease the pain, until he spots the doctors by the door waiting and he suddenly just feels trapped. By everything; by their presence, by their existence, by this world and by himself. ]
Get out… get out! Get out!!! [ screaming at the worried doctors only causes his head to hurt, but Kaneki still does it, but it’s only when they finally close the door to leave Kaneki and Josuke be, that he finally realizes his hands are covered in blood he had just been drinking. With a pathetic and scared gasp, Kaneki flinches away from the other, trying to hide his face and hands ]
N-no… no no nono- don’t look… [ he is a mess, don’t look, don’t look at him covered in blood ]
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Unaware that he'd even been holding his breath, Josuke breathes a sigh of relief. He even smiles despite the red painting his friend's face and hands, just glad to see his friend again and to be seen by him. But Kaneki? He's not as willing to overlook the blood that decorates his hospital wear or spots his flesh. He shouts and screams and murders any sense of relief Josuke felt by scaring the doctors and then, when they finally agree to leave Josuke and Kaneki alone, by hiding his face and flinching away.
It's not fear that Josuke feels then, of course. He's certainly shocked by the outburst, enough that he doesn't even register the doctors and nurses telling him before they leave that if he needs their help, to just call. But he's not afraid. Whatever Ken is, whatever he's feeling or going through right now, he's still Ken...still Josuke's very dear friend.]
...hey, hey it's okay, don't hide.
[It's the sound of the door clicking shut, the sound of the two of them being left alone that finally snaps Josuke out of his thoughts, that finally brings him to take a step toward the other teen.]
Ken, it's okay. It's just me. You don't gotta hide from me.
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But it's because this is Josuke that he doesn't want to show him anything. He never saw Kaneki eating and Ken certainly didn't want to show this to him. There is still a sick feeling to his stomach whenever he has to remind a friend "by the way, I'm a cannibal" and to show Josuke his face, hands and hospital clothes covered in blood he had just drunk like a person who found an oasis in the middle of a desert, feels wrong in all accounts.
Kaneki also has issues facing Josuke because of what he is, and not just because of the blood. Kaneki became a murderer; he is a killer. He killed Amon Koutarou, a Dove who all he wanted was to bring peace to a crazy, mad and violent world... and he killed his lover, Hideyshi Nagachika. He is fuzzy on details, but he met Hide while he was insane and when he came back, Hide was gone and he had a sweet taste inside his mouth; he can only guess that he killed him.
He is so ugly. he doesn't want Josuke to see him at all.
And he mutters apologies for all of it, even if he couldn't even mention any of it. It's questionable if he is apologizing to Josuke who is standing right in front of him, or to Hide, Amon, himself... He remembers Hide telling him "This is not the time to melt" and Kaneki nods ] Not the time to melt...
[ and by repeating what his hallucinating mind just told him, kaneki looks back at Josuke as tears finally fall down his face, mixing with the blood ]
Get me out of here...! [ he needs to leave the hospital, he needs to leave now. And Kaneki will beg Josuke to help him because he can't do anything, not by himself. Not when his head is hurting so much. ]
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[ CLOSED ; Mutsuki ; 21st-22nd November ]
Once he leaves Josuke, Kaneki heads to De Chima to eat. He still has access to the bodies the government provides, and thus he eats until he is fool, but that doesn't seem to heal him any faster. He hoped it did, but his head is still a mess and the sharp pain behind his eyes nearly make him vomit.
He can't go home like this.
And then there is a person that comes to his mind. Mutsuki. He doesn't know exactly why, but it's probably because Mutsuki knows Haise, knows who Kaneki will become. In fact, Sasaki Haise is the person Kaneki hoped to be right about now, because everything would be easier, he thinks; no more pain, no more loneliness, no more weakness, no more ugliness, no more not knowing what to do. Kaneki should die, and Haise should be born because Haise is a salvation to Kaneki, at this point. But because he hasn't become him just yet, possibly due to the Porter's own sadism and irony, he reaches for the only thing related to Haise in a strange hope to have that peace he believes Haise will give him, and that is one of his subordinates.
On the night of the 21st, Kaneki manages to reach Mutsuki's doorstep, and after knocking and seeing the other, all he can say is "Let me sleep" before he pretty much slumps on top of the Dove. He is wearing his battle suit, thorn here and there, and a jacket he grabbed somewhere (Josuke, maybe?); he isn't physically wounded, at least not visibly - his brain might still be bruised, which would explain a lot about Kaneki right now. He doesn't have the mind to check Mutsuki's place, neither be polite and give him a decent explanation; instead he will just drag himself (or be dragged, most likelly) towards the other's room and lay on his bed and just pass out. That night, he doesn't even dream (no nightmares, but nothing pleasant either) and doesn't even move from his spot; the only thing that gives away he is alive is the fact that he is still breathing.
In the morning, he actually feels better. He is probably healing faster after eating, and he feels capable enough to get up and look around finally. Kaneki doesn't want to pry, but he will be looking for Mutsuki while he feels guilty that he basically just dropped himself on him without giving the man a choice to refuse. He will apologize for that.
In fact, he knows a good way to. Ken heads to the kitchen, where he will look for food and kitchen utensils and cook. Mutsuki mentioned Haise cooked for them, so he decides it'll be nice Mutsuki finally eats something made by him - even if he isn't Haise yet. it'll be simple enough; scrambled eggs and bacon, coffee with milk (does he drink coffee? He doesn't know), pancakes, french toast with honey, and finally a glass of milk.
he might have overreacted and made too much food. Yeah. ]
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If not reading then he's been training. Keeping up with his knife work and practicing with his kagune when he finds time and a quiet place to use it.
Mostly, he continues to think about his squad which means Kaneki comes into his thoughts more often than not. More than once, he considers sending the other a message or going to visit but ultimately continues to put it to the side. Although he had said it was alright for Mutsuki to get to know him... it's still too strange. He looks at Kaneki and still sees Sasaki but everything else turns the entire thing on its head. Nevertheless, there's a sense of loyalty that still remains tied to this huge unknown with a familiar face but he doubts he'd ever be able to put it into words.
He's in his room the night of the 21st when the sudden knocking has him worriedly glancing up from his work. Needless to say, he's surprised when he opens the door and Kaneki all but falls over onto him. There's a sense of worry that blossoms in his chest but he swallows it down, tries to ignore it and helps get Kaneki to his bed. The other is out like a light in a few minutes and Mutsuki is left to ponder, trying to make sense of his state and ultimately finds a place in the corner of his room to sit. He tries to read but after re-reading the same page six times, he gives up and sets the book down to glance back to the person on his bed.
It's late now but that worry is festering, leaving his tugging at the fabric of his sweater and letting a million questions run through his head. What happened? Could he help? Should he even try?
A few more hours pass before he finally falls asleep out of sheer exhaustion. He doesn't bother changing into something more comfortable or removing his eye patch, he simply slumps in corner and falls asleep. It seems like mere moments later that Mutsuki wakes up to sounds in the kitchen. He sits up with a jolt, panicked at the sight of a empty bed before he stumbles to his feet and into the shared living and kitchen space of the apartment.
And the sight, well... the sight is a surprise. It shouldn't be a surprise though because it's so familiar it hurts. For a moment, he can only watch before finally shaking his head and speaking up: ]
Um... Kaneki-san?
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When his name is called, Kaneki flinches and stares for a moment until he recognizes him. Mutsuki. Tooru. Tooru Mutsuki or Mutsuki Tooru? it's confusing, he is confused. He would rather not delve into his confusion right now, but he frowns slightly in response to it, before he manages a smile.
It's an actual smile; he is in no state to fake emotions. He is, in fact, glad to see this person. Because Mutsuki is the only one who will perhaps understand, and the only one who can tell him "hey, it's okay. Sasaki isn't as fucked up as you are."
oh ken...and that is all he needs right now. That is what will keep Kaneki going after he hoped to vanish and sleep for a long time and yet still woke up from that. He didn't want to wake up, he can't bare to be awake without being reminded that he will rest soon. ]... I did too much. [ his smile drops, but by no means Kaneki looks angry, upset, sad. he glances back at the table, while he tries to figure out how to word Mutsuki's name without stuttering. ] I wanted to apologize for staying over without asking you if it was alright.
Mutsuki. [ ah, he said the name. Sure, without the "san", but that's alright ]
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It causes a dull ache to reappear in his chest but he ignores it and looks up, trying to offer a smile but he's sure it comes off more confused than anything. ]
It's okay. [ He finally says almost stumbling over the two words but stepping closed.He laughs tiredly. Joking around... joking around is good! ]
Are you... are you feeling any better?
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forgive me for my slowness, the holidays were rough ;'(
Don't worry, I know they can be crazy c:
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[ CLOSED ; Hideyoshi ; 23rd November ]
And yet, he wasn't allowed it. He came back with his mind and body completely torn apart, with himself broken into pieces that are being glued back together as the days go by, and every time he realizes just how horrific he is. And he doesn't know how to go back to being that pure person he was; he is so ugly that he can barely look at himself, and he has to live with that now. He can't even end that, the way it should have happened. He isn't Sasaki yet. He is just a broken monster that lurks around, stepping on the bones and the sins he brought upon himself, under the blind excuse that he was doing it all for others.
The biggest of those sins would be that he became a murderer. He killed two people. Amon Kotaro and Hideyoshi Nagachika. He cut off Amon's arm and didn’t even care as madness ate away, the kakuja took over and started eating his body while he went on a spiral of madness right to the bottom. As for Hide, he is still quite fuzzy about his death, in all honesty; he remembers talking to him while he fought Arima. Hide told him to keep going, to bear with the pain, to calm down and keep fighting, that he should melt; he doesn't know if he was hallucinating or not, but Kaneki remembers the sweet taste inside his mouth as he stepped into the V14 section of the sewers to meet his Reaper.
Hide wasn't there, Kaneki is mad. Crazy. Insane. Hide, Hide, Hide. He killed him, didn't he? When he put his hand over Kaneki's shoulder and told him that he always had known that Kaneki was a ghoul.
Kaneki became a murdered and one of his victims was the person he loved the most, the person he cared for the most, the person he wanted to give everything to. The person who brought him back, the person who still smiled at him, and the person who always said Kaneki wasn't a monster. And yet, that's exactly what he is. There is nothing else but that, and he knows it, now better than ever.
Ken only had the ability to address this matter three days after he left the hospital. Before then, his brain was still too bruised for him to make things out properly and recall the moments he lived in those sewers. Things were complicated, at the time he was hallucinating as well, while the kakuja, Rize and Yamori tried to take his body, and Kaneki's memory of it all was still being glued bit by bit as he healed. But even if not all is right inside his head, Kaneki's resolve is glued along with his memories; he needs to tell Hide and he needs to do something he isn't sure how to do: he needs to break up with him.
After what he has done, how can they continue? After all Kaneki has done. He loves Nagachika more than he can ever put into words, and along with the memories of the horror they went through during the Anteiku raid, he does remember their date at Disneyland, that festival they never ended up going to, and everything that brought into their lives. Breaking up with Hide is possibly one of the hardest things Kaneki will have to endure, even more than having his brain pierced with a quinque twice. And he will be a coward once again, because he can't be the one doing it and will ask Hide to be the one doing it instead; Kaneki isn't capable of doing that and he wishes he was.
He reaches Hide's house in the morning, probably too early too. Around 7am, because Kaneki's inability to sleep properly came back again, as if to tell him his body is healing. The knocking at the door only comes after he stares are it for what it feels like an eternity. If Maine opens, Kaneki won't go inside because what he is about to tell Hide is private, and he knows Maine would punch Ken for all of it - and he'd be within his right to. In fact, Kaneki would appreciate it. He really would. ]
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So this time, this time when Kaneki didn't answer his texts, he waited. When he didn't return his calls, he visited his house. He could fly now, so it only took a matter of checking the area, Kaneki's usual haunts--once, he'd even unabashedly looked in through his windows to make sure he wasn't hiding.
It was longer than three days this time. And to say that he wasn't starting to panic would have been a lie. 'What if he didn't return this time', and 'what if he'd gone home, only to meet the Reaper, like in my time'.
Surely, if Kaneki met up with Arima Kishou...
He'd shuddered at the thought, pushing it from his mind as he continued work. He was getting dressed, fitting his goggles on around his neck, making sure he picked out matching socks from the drawer when that knock caused him to straighten up like a rocket.
His eyes were slightly ragged, a few days of slightly restless nights a cause of his tiredness, but that all seemed to fade away like a steam when that knock echoed through the house.
Normally he doesn't use his superspeed indoors. It causes things to fall off shelves and for frames to fall from the walls--but that didn't matter. Kaneki would hear a bit of a crash from inside as the hallway mirror falls to the ground in Hide's rush to get to the door.
Not that he'd have to wait long after to find out what happened, as the speedster is pulling the door open without bothering it check who it was through the peephole.
Not like he needed to.
He knew who he'd come face to face with. And he felt as if the bottom of his stomach dropped straight through to his knees as his gaze settled on Kaneki.]
...There you are. [A breathless, relieved little sound. His voice is doing its absolute best to keep the shake out of it. Which means, it was obvious in his tone.] I was wondering when you were coming home.
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All he wanted was to protect others, but he was so selfish in many ways, and he was so wrong in every other way. Nagachika can't be with someone as ugly as him, Kaneki wouldn't allow such a thing, even if he was too coward to be the one to take that step and would dump this on Hide instead.
It was all planned out, even if it was a messy plan.
And then kaneki sees Hide's face. Hears Hide's voice.Hide, who is alive and not dead, not killed by a crazy monster back in the sewers that would lead to V14 and Death.
He forgets what he planned. Kaneki can't smile, touch his own chin and say "hello". He can't even pretend his emotions right now. His emotions are a mess and all over, and Kaneki can't do anything about it. And such deep sadness, regret, guilt and disgust hit him hard as he looks back at the other, and thus all he can do is to choke as tears form in his eyes and roll down his cheeks. His head hurts, it hurts so much he almost wants to vomit, his eyes sting and he feels like he is momentarily blind, and his body feels like it's falling apart.
Kaneki cries, and between the sobs he mutters Hide's name as his hands cling to his hair, desperately trying to stop the blinding pain he feels right now. The mutter becomes a scream, a loud sob and Kaneki just cries away in front of the person he is certain he killed and the person he has lost -- or will lose. And then apologies come, along with incoherent words ]
I'm sorry - I melted, I melted-
told me not to-
Ugly, we are so ugly- mom-
Keep going, it hurts, it hurts-
Hide, don't leave, don't leave, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry- [ don't leave him, please. That's not what he thought about saying at all. ]
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So much so that when the first response he gets from Kaneki is quite literally for the other to break into tears... any chill Hideyoshi might have had for seeing the other again was lost. The easy smile he'd worked up on his face falls, his shoulders shake a little in the effort to not just rush forward and take the other into his arms.
'I melted, I melted'
'We are so ugly'
'It hurts'
...The effort he'd been holding himself back with is lost.
'Hide, don't leave.'
Those are the last words he needed to hear before he's stepping forward, his arms outstretched as he grabs the other around the shoulders, a hand moving to the back of Kaneki's head as he locks him in a tight, encompassing embrace.]
I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here. [What happened to you in V14, what sort of things did you see?] You're home, Kaneki.
You're home. You didn't melt, you're right here. Please, Kaneki.
[Please don't cry.]
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forest
It doesn't occur to him to announce his presence, but he's easy to hear as he walks. He folds his limbs neatly to sit nearby, wondering if there will be another poem. ]
...It was...nice. [ At least he has the presence of mind to say something. ]
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Thank you. [ Kaneki smiles. ] it's from a poet called Hakushu called "Ode to old Ainu".
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From a poet...
Did they write other poems? [ He's never heard a poem before, but he seems to want more now that he's heard one already... ]
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He did. All his life, actually. [ he closes the book and holds it out for the other to grab it if he'd like. It's a collection of Hakushu's poems and though they are written in Japanese, Skullman can use his communicator to translate ]
Kitahara Hakushū was one of the most popular and important poets in modern Japanese literature. he wrote about many things, either his own life or his friends, but there was a certain serenity and clarity to it.
[ Kaneki knows several by heart, in fact, so he recites the last verses of one; again, it's in Japanese because the language seems to bring out the poem's full meaning, in Kaneki's opinion.]
I will return. For the magpies,
That sky, and the sumac grove
Await me. Once more.
Yanagawa. Your children
Have aged, left for distant places.
What draws this childlike heart of mine to you?
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i never got the notify for this )8 i'm so sorry!
it's no problem!
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lucky cat cafe;
But she's a little slow to notice Kaneki coming in. By the time she realizes he's there he's already purchased his coffee and sat down, and she watches him quietly from where she's checking on their supply of tea leaves before she approaches. First she drops by the cashier, and when she gets to the young man's table she sets a couple bills and some change down beside him before sitting at the chair across from him, smiling softly.]
I told you employees get free drinks, didn't I, Ken?
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he knows Tadashi is gone - he already caught up with the network - and he knows how rough things like people disappearing can be. Specially when they are family. Sure he didn't pry and doesn't know Tadashi is dead, though.
When Cass puts the money near him, Kaneki blinks but doesn't reach for it. ]
... am I still? I disappeared like that. [ truthfully, he was only gone for a day. The other days he needed to recover from that rough life of his ]
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In all honestly, she doesn't know anything about Ken Kaneki. His past, his present, his future, who he is outside of their interactions, or what he holds dearest to him. It wasn't for a lack of interest, but for a lack of prying, just as he kept a short distance on his end too. Still, no matter what his past may be or how dark his circumstances may be, that has never deterred her from wanting to spend time with him, and it's with a smile that she raises her head again, leaning forward to prop her head up on her hands, elbows on the table now.]
Why wouldn't you be? [she asks back.] I don't remember you saying you were quitting... disappearances like this are a part of our life here. Something like that isn't going to lose you your place here. You're welcome to come back whenever you're ready to, and only when you feel ready.
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If she knew how dark everything truly was, Kaneki is certain she'd probably have a very different opinion.
There is a pause, following Cass' words and Kaneki's smile turns smaller in return, though it doesn't leave. ]
... Thank you, Cass. [ he means it. ] I... have a couple of things I need to handle. [ mostly mental issues. he can't be working like this ] I'd like to resume working in December, if you'll have me.
a thousand years later
it's ok i'm the same...
Shopping!
But thinking on an empty stomach was bad for the creative process! So she was at a store and looking for a snack, and eyeballing the interesting collection of options in another's cart. ]
Hmm, that looks interesting! Coffee sauce? The only sauce you normally put in coffee is the type that normally comes in a bottle, if you get my meaning~
i never got the notify for this )8 i'm so sorry!
So he doesn't expect someone talking to him, but when you are an imPort, this is something that happens often. He looks to the side, at the girl, pausing a second, before he looks back at the coffee sauce in his hands ]
Ah- I guess they invent all sorts of things around here, right? [ he will put it in his basket ] Hopefully it won't be as bad as it sounds.
no worries at all!
[ She nods at the coffee sauce, although it's got an equal chance of being bitter, as sweet, depending on which aspect of coffee it's deciding to play up. ]
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Something about chromo... yeah, he is definitively going to forget that part and also about tasty meals because kaneki can't really tell what is tasty and bland and everything would cause him poor digestive health. ]
I'm not sure if this is sweet - coffee usually isn't. [ he offers her a small awkward smile ] I'm cooking for someone and I thought I'd give a try at different flavors.
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