maskormenacelogs | if you find yourself alone, riding in green fields, do not be troubled

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if you find yourself alone, riding in green fields, do not be troubled

WHO: Hazel (

deadtective), the Doctor (

helpline), and Josuke (

unbreaker)
WHERE: Heropa 11, house of horrors and insomniacs
WHEN: 11/4
WHAT: Two shitbird teenagers try to teach a cranky old alien how to play Mario Kart.
WARNINGS: Mario Kart. But no, nothing really.

[Hazel's only got a vague approximation of when Josuke will be showing up (assuming his baby stamina doesn't give out after a day of fun at the zoo) but there's enough to keep her busy that the egregiously flexible scheduling doesn't cross her mind at all.

she's spent some of that time by going out and buying whatever missing DVDs she needed for the Alien/Predator bloodbath sure to come after they'd finished mutilating each other over video games - the majority of which are safely hidden beneath the coffee table, only Alien hanging around with the sort of planned carelessness to make it look like it had no association with tonight's events.

now she's settled neatly on the kitchen countertop, feet swinging idly (and nowhere close to the ground) as she keeps a vague eye on the popcorn going crazy in the microwave. there's a half-filled bowl next to her on the counter, but she knows better than to let this shit go with anything but overflowing. it's always depressing to deal with food, but Hazel doesn't trust the Doctor with something even as simple as this. knowing them, there was probably a fight about it already.

hopefully Josuke shows up before she tries to shove the unpopped kernels up her housemate's nose.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[ yeah, they're fighting about it already. a+ job housemates. ]

I don't see why you're putting even more salt on the popcorn. If we're going to add more of any topping, it's butter.

[ Having been banished from the kitchen, the Doctor's sitting on the couch, idly fiddling with what used to be a hearing aid and now looks like a hearing aid that the BBC prop department vomited some wires and knobs on to make it look more futurey. ]

[Josuke's still got plenty of energy when he arrives, and since Hazel gave him a key to the place, he happens upon the tail end of the butter-vs-salt argument when he just...lets himself in.

He's mid taking off his shoes at the front door when he hears the Doctor, and since he figures the popcorn he can smell is at least in part for him, he has a right to chime in!]

How about a vote for both? Extra salt and butter!

[But seriously, weren't they just gearing up to play some video games? All that oil is gonna gum up the controllers! ...or make the Doc's hands slip and ensure victory for someone else.

Hazel, you devious little shit.]

What the hell would you know about topping food? You've never made anything I haven't had to scrape off a fucking appliance!

[this is moderately unfair, since Hazel can only assume that the Doctor isn't actually subsisting solely off cereal and must be able to get something edible out of the kitchen when she isn't looking. probably.

she's only slightly less sullen when Josuke chimes in from somewhere by the front door; it's excellent timing on his part on several counts, driving a wedge between the usual petty housemate fights and coinciding perfectly with that last bag of popcorn finishing. Hazel pulls it out as she raises her voice a little to carry down the hall, oblivious to the blisters this would probably be giving a normal person.]

You better eat all of this before the night's over, Josuke, because otherwise I'm drowning him in whatever's left.

[ You bet your ass the Doctor notices that Hazel's grabbing something that would give a normal human blisters. Further proof to the 'Hazel is an alien' theory, he'll figure her out eventually.

When Josuke comes in though, the Doctor's attention swaps over to him as he gives Josuke a little wave, expression still 100% just 'rolling with this'. ]

If any popcorn's used as ammunition against me in the video game, I'll be very put out. That being said, if Hazel's winning feel free to throw some at her.

Yeah, yeah! It's not gonna go to waste, don't worry about it!

[Sounds like Hazel's in the kitchen, but it also sounds like the popcorn's about done, so Josuke joins the Doctor in the living room instead. For an old guy, he's absurd enough to fit right in with Josuke and Hazel, and so the teen doesn't miss a beat as he waves back and drops onto the opposite end of the sofa.]

We don't use popcorn as ammo in Mario Kart, dude. It's turtle shells and banana peels.

[Just kidding, he knows what the Doctor means, but who in their right mind announces their tactics ahead of the game? Popcorn's gonna fly one way or the other.

But in a voice that's meant only for the Doctor, Josuke adds before Hazel can pop into the room...]

Word of advice, though. Protect your nose with your life if she's playing.

Edited 2015-11-11 04:58 (UTC)

[there's a moment where Hazel, left to her own devices in the kitchen, sincerely considers dropping something horrendous in the popcorn. but this is going to be an endurance run of a night, and it would be pretty shitty to blow her own feet off like that. everyone should admire her patience and fortitude.

they should also admire the way she has to carefully feel her way down off the counter because the drop is too big to just slide off with the laden bowl in her hands. it's super adult.]

Like any of you mountains could reach down far enough to hit me in the first place.

[you can hear the grumbling long before she trudges into the living room, casting an irate gaze at her fellow gamers before leaving the popcorn on the coffee table and flopping down between them. it was patently unfair that literally everyone but her was six feet and over, so they could fucking lean forward and reach for their own snacks.

and while she missed that strategic tipoff, her position on the couch is no accident. Hazel wants to be able to dish out as much cheating punishment as possible to both enemy racers should the time come - and knowing everyone present, it absolutely would.]

Shit's already set up, so we can just skip to fighting over the classic controllers and then get the race going.

[for someone who has so much disposable income, you'd think she'd own more than two. but Hazel really doesn't play many video games that involve more than a pair of idiots, so she never thought to stockpile them.]

[ He's about to ask Josuke what he means by protecting his nose but then Hazel comes in the room and sets the popcorn down in front of him...popcorn that the Doctor notes still has some unpopped kernels in it. Ah. He gives Josuke a knowing look but, mostly because of Hazel, doesn't really say anything.

The Doctor has no idea what 'classic controllers' means, which inevitably means that he's the one who's going to get stuck with this world's version of a Wiimote. Blissfully unaware that he's totally going to have a handicap, the Doctor reaches over and grabs a handful of popcorn to start eating.

It is patently unfair that everybody here's taller than itty bitty Hazel and thankfully for her, the Doctor hasn't yet realized the fact that he can lord his tallness over her (or at least inconvenience her by putting things on the high shelves). ]

I assume the classic controllers are the better ones?

[Josuke's a nice guy. But he's not nice enough to knowingly volunteer to take on anything that will handicap him during their playing. So instead of reaching for the bowl of popcorn like he's incredibly tempted to do (it smells really good, okay?) he goes for one of the classic controllers and drops it into his lap.]

I don't think what controller you use is gonna matter too much for you, Doctor. I mean, you're not used to using either, right?

[But even if it does matter, that's even better as far as Josuke's concerned. So long as he's not winding up dead last behind a filthy cheater and an geriatric greenhorn, he doesn't care what he has to do!

And speaking of underhandedness, Josuke gives Hazel a look. He realizes what she's doing by planting herself in between them. He's onto you, Lockwood! Which is precisely the reason that, rather than sitting up properly, he leans against the arm of the sofa and hikes up a knee between Hazel and himself. It might not do wonders to keep her at bay for long, but so long as it provides any kind of deterrent or even inspires her to harass the Doc, instead, Josuke thinks it's a worthy tactic.]

You losers ready to eat my dust?

Watch out, the zoo totally kicked the shit out of him; he's so tired he's already delusional.

[the Doctor's not even halfway through reaching for that popcorn and Hazel's already got a controller in a deathgrip. this is all her shit, there's no way she's going to concede a single advantage when they're literally playing in her house.

she does, however, allow for a small bit of generosity in the form of pointing out a few key buttons on the wiimote before tossing it the Doctor's way. whether he catches it or not isn't really factored into the throw's arc.]

Start, stop.

[that's it, that is all the instruction he's getting on mechanics for when the race starts. if the selection prompts weren't on the screen for choosing a character she'd have probably only given him that rather than actual racing tips. good luck when you hit an item, buddy!

tutorial over, she meets Josuke's suspicious look with a jaunty wave of her own before settling back into the couch and stretching her legs out to rest on the coffee table. look at her, look how completely innocent and sedate she is. surely all that paranoia is a product of your own mind and insecurity in gaming skill. she would never do anything underhanded to win.]

[ It's when Josuke sprawls out knee towards Hazel and Hazel only tells him the use of two buttons on the wiimote that the Doctor realizes he's a: probably going to lose this and b: if he gets close to winning, will be pestered by one or both of them. Catching the wiimote, he gives it a once-over, frowning slightly. Yeah. He's going to need all the help he can get.

So, he grabs a handful of popcorn and sits it in his lap, ostensibly to eat it (and hey, he puts a few kernels in his mouth to show that he's going to eat it) but also to have ammo close at hand if need be. He won't put it past Hazel or Josuke to take the popcorn out of arm's reach to use as ammo, he's stocking up right here and now.

But now to the important matter at hand...the character selection screen, which baffles the Doctor most of all. ]

Why's there a monkey driving the car? Who looks at this game and thinks 'oh, you know who'll be a great driver, a monkey'?

Don't listen to her, Hazel's just lost in a cloud of wishful thinking.

[Alright, so maybe he did wear himself out a bit at the zoo with Kanaya, but like hell that's gonna stop him from kicking serious video game ass. For starters, revenge on Hazel for the last time they played Mario Kart together is long overdue, and for another, he'll never live it down if he just falls asleep and lets some old timer beat him!

By the time the Doctor's grabbed his handful of popcorn, Josuke's already gone ahead and picked his character. Fuck you guys, he's being the pretty Princess Peach.]

He's actually a gorilla! And I think him driving is more believable than a half-turtle, half-dragon, don't you?

[He's referring, of course, to Bowser and his Koopaness.]

What's the matter with Bowser? He's a fucking king, he can drive whatever the hell he wants.

[Hazel's going with the superior Mario girl (Rosalina) tonight, but her fondness for the ugly characters means that she's honor-bound to defend the king of the Koopas. fuck your reptile bias, Josuke, Bowser can drive a kart if he wants to.]

Seriously though, DK's fine. I mean, shit, he drives a hell of a lot better than Josuke can - you'll see in a few seconds.

[ The Doctor's just so confused by all of this and ends up going with Funky Kong because oh my gosh, this is a gorilla wearing sunglasses, it's so stupid and he loves it.

He's also quickly learning that the best way to deal with Hazel and Josuke (and also Mario Kart) is just to keep rolling with it. Hopefully he'll figure things out along the way. ]

No matter what, he's got to be better than the babies. They can't even properly reach the pedals!

Bowser's a creep, that's what's wrong with Bowser, and shut up I'm gonna drive you off the track!

[For emphasis, Josuke kicks out his foot and pushes it against Hazel's side, shoving her in the direction of the Doctor as he attempts to take over choosing which track they'll be racing on. Predictably, he goes for the Star Cup, with his sights set on selecting Koopa Cape...

This is what the Doctor's in for. He can roll with it all he wants, but if he's not careful, he be rolled right off the couch at this rate.]

And don't be hating on the babies, they probs got sick custom cars!

You'd need to be able to find the track first to run me off it!

[sorry Doctor, both for her inability to join in the baby hate and the fact that she's being smushed pretty neatly up against you. Hazel doesn't even really notice that Josuke's storming the track selection, too busy trying to right this unfair pre-race advantage. she can play like this, but who the fuck wants to?

bracing herself even further against the Doctor for stability (watch those elbows, man) she reaches out to try and grab the offending foot by the ankle and yank Josuke off-kilter with it. YOU WANT TO START THINGS OFF AT ELEVEN SHE WILL START THINGS OFF AT ELEVEN]

[ As Hazel smashes into the Doctor, he can't help but give them both a look of pure 'really???' This is what he's signed himself up for. As Hazel's elbow jabs into his side, he shoots her a look of annoyance before deciding screw this, he's going to go sit on the floor.

Fortunately for Hazel, he notices Josuke trying to grab the track selection. ]

What's Koopa Cape?

[ said as he tries to wriggle out from Hazel's elbow in his gut, trying to just get to the floor at this point. ]

[Good luck grabbing hold of his foot without relinquishing your controller, Hazel! Josuke's determined to wiggle it around and make life difficult for you, even if it means putting his socked foot in your face! Even if it means apparently driving the Doctor off the couch before the race has even begun.

Victory's pretty much in the bag for him at this rate...

...he thinks too early, because it seems now that the Doc has relocated, he's become aware of Josuke's plan to steal the advantage by claiming a track he's both familiar with and good at racing on.]

Koopa Cape is the final resting place of you assholes!

[And guess who's got two thumbs and has selected the fuck out of Koopa Cape? If you guessed this guy, you nailed it.

Prepare to get your race on, everybody! We've gone from track selection to load screen, which means the real fun's just about to start...]

Ugh, fuck-! You're not supposed to let him pick the track, Grandpa!

[because obviously this is all the Doctor's fault and he should totally have known to stop Josuke by any means possible, including physical violence.

at least she gets the rest of the couch to herself now that the non-boyfriend half has been vacated, although that doesn't really do much to alleviate her frustration. while the countdown is still sounding off she decides to immediately escalate this encounter and just fucking headbutt Josuke's stupid foot in her face with all the force she's got. at this point she wouldn't even be upset if he broke a toe.]

How was I supposed to know that?! Again, first time playing!

[ because seriously, how was he supposed to know. But now that he's thankfully off the couch (and has a bunch of popcorn that used to be in his lap now spread across the floor in front of him, whoops) The Doctor's plan is to just let Hazel and Josuke kick each other and grab hair and what-not while he sneaks in behind for a victory...and occasionally throws popcorn at them if any feet get near his head.

Of course, he still needs to figure out how this works. And the Doctor way of 'let's figure out how this works' is 'push every button ever'.

Fortunately for him, he's figured out the acceleration right as the countdown sounds off to one. Eat his dust, teenagers. ]

[Hazel's headbutt doesn't break any toes (fortunately!) but it does manage to get Josuke to pull back his foot like it's on fire. Probably for fear of having his toes bitten, to be honest.

Of course, by that time, the Doctor's gotten acceleration figured out and it seems the only thing Josuke's really succeeded at doing is giving the older man a head start while both he and Hazel are left to scramble away from the starting point, fingers mashing across keypads in an ungraceful hurry.]

Dammit, you're old, aren't you supposed to have like, manners or something?! We weren't ready yet!

[this is just turning into a conga line of bad turns, isn't it? she finally manages to establish couch dominance and turns back to the screen to find that in between all his bitching the Doctor has actually figured out how to work one of the most important buttons.

god. fucking. dammit.

this is obviously Josuke's fault and she's going to deliver even more brutal on-track punishment than she'd planned, but right now she needs to actually GET IN THE FUCKING RACE. the controller's plastic creaks a little as she takes her irritation out on it through a grip only the dead can have.]

I'm sending you back to the nursing home on a stretcher, that's a fucking promise.

[that thing the Doctor was worried about, with the kicks being aimed right at his head? happening now, along with a few choice curses mumbled under Hazel's breath in Latin. these arcane obscenities really were satisfying, no wonder people at home kept throwing them at her.]

[ He can't help but laugh as he zooms in front of Josuke and Hazel. Victory, ten points for the Doctor! He's grinning like a maniac as he continues to drive, paying no attention to Hazel and Josuke....and also swerving out of the way of anything in the way which includes the 'run into these to get a bonus' boxes.

This is also when Hazel's foot connects with his head.

Really?

Scowling at Hazel, the Doctor takes a moment to throw a hand of popcorn at Hazel instead of actually paying attention to the game. ]

Stop that!

[Hazel's usually pretty good at maneuvering around the bends of the track (while Josuke takes corners pretty badly) and even manages to pull off pretty successful turns mid kicking the Doc in the back of the head. That'd trouble Josuke under ordinary circumstances. But right now?

So long as the pair of them are distracted...

He can focus on actually hitting those boxes the Doctor is avoiding and arming himself with a nice little army of turtle shells.

The first of which is sent at Hazel just as they all take the waterfall drop into the tunnel!]

I got you covered, Doc! Don't worry about it!

[...he totally doesn't have you covered, because you're gonna be next.]

[she does not, in fact, 'stop that', and responds to the Doctor's grumbling by jostling at his skull again. the popcorn doesn't slow her down at all, nor does she make any attempt to brush them away. she can't feel that shit, no use in wasting racetime by decluttering.

Josuke, on the other hand, gets a displeased growl as that shell hits its mark. what could she do? there's no fantastic way to maneuver to safety when the drop immediately follows; at least she gets herself back together in short order once they all hit the tunnel.]

You know what? You're not even worth it. You're not even fucking worth it. It's a waste of time when I'm going to fucking curbstomp you without even trying.

[she's not going to look at him, she's not going to acknowledge his presence, and she's certainly not sour over that great move because Josuke is so totally beneath her. even the newbie loser player that is the Doctor ranks higher on her attention list.]

Edited 2015-11-25 20:55 (UTC)

[ Watching Josuke hit the boxes and then get turtle shells (why turtle shells?) has taught the Doctor that ah, those boxes are projectiles. And he should pick up the projectiles.

The train of thought is interrupted by Hazel's foot methodically kicking him in the back of the head. Right, once he picks up one of those little shell things, she's down for the count.

Unfortunately, the next box the Doctor hits has a banana peel instead. ]

That's not fair! I haven't played this game and even I can tell that's rubbish.

[ A banana peel. What about banana peels said 'intimidating?' ]

Just fucking try it!

[Maybe taunting Hazel isn't the best course of action, but does Josuke care? Not especially! Because as far as he's concerned, if he gets her riled up enough she might make a mistake! And if she doesn't, well, he still has two more turtle shells he can fire, so bring it the fuck on.

...at least that's what he'd like to say, but when the Doctor accidentally puns, Josuke can barely contain his laughter.]

Drop it in front of Hazel, Doc! Trust me on this! Trust me!

[Bet she never expected to get tag-teamed, huh!]

Yeah, like he's stupid enough to listen to that bullshit.

[she's still not actually looking or really talking to Josuke so much as at him, because what better way to really fuel your video game focus than to prolong a huge petulant baby sulk?

it's a pretty risky bet about whether or not the Doctor'll listen to her attempt at reverse psychology, since both of them are pretty solidly out to get her right now, but Hazel doesn't really care. Josuke can try and gang up on her all she wants, but a million people aren't going to help him. for a moment she stops pounding at the Doctor's head, which seems to be a positive concession - except when she moves it back to the coffee table she kicks the popcorn bowl right at Josuke's face.

whoops.]

[ He is so stupid enough to listen to that bullshit. So, the Doctor swerves his car around in front of Hazel's and presses all the buttons until he finds one that drops the banana peel. By this time she's probably already rammed into him or passed him but hey, he got there eventually.

And, just to be fair, he takes a handful of popcorn and throws it at Josuke's face as well. Unfortunately, this happens at about the same time that Hazel kicks the popcorn bowl at Josuke which pretty much means that he's just adding more popcorn to the popcorn horde...some of which is now in his hair. That's the problem when you're sitting on the floor.

Needless to say, the Doctor has no idea what the hell is going on. ]

What's going on behind me?

[ His tone isn't worried or accusatory, it's more of honestly curious. Something's in his hair, after all. ]

[This is such bullshit, Josuke doesn't even have time to revel in the fact the Doctor listened to him because he's getting popcorn thrown and catapulted at him! And then it's everywhere and he's doing the only thing he can to avoid it landing in his hair, which is diving closer to Hazel (because fuck diving over the arm of the sofa).

Unfortunately, while this may distract her, it also means he's veering into that stupid banana peel and spinning out, and that lets both of his competitors get much, much farther ahead. Obviously the only way to get revenge is to boot the Doctor in the back of the head with his own foot, and to sit on Hazel and block her view!]

Fucking cheating pieces of shit and you wanted me to eat that popcorn well too fucking bad now, you can choke on it after you choke on my DUST! Both of you!

[Hazel gives a loud war whoop as she passes the Doctor before he can drop that banana peel, and then another even more exuberant yell when Josuke spins out instead thanks to her popcorn gambit. there's the beginnings of a really smug diatribe tumbling out of her mouth, but thankfully for everyone else present it quickly transforms into an indignant sound as an enormous fatass sudden settles on top of her.]

Oh my god he's going to fucking break every single one of my ribs.

[that's all the information the Doctor's getting on the situation behind him beyond maybe Hazel's controller prodding at his back as she holds it away from the destructive power of Josuke's bulk. there's absolutely no way she's strong enough to roll him off her himself, but Hazel doesn't know this track well enough to drive it blind. looks like she's got no other choice.

she bites him.

it doesn't matter where (because she can't really tell, honestly) because Hazel is sinking her teeth in like her life depends on it. and considering the two smug shitbags she's playing against here? it kind of really does.]

[ He lets out a short laugh of his own as Josuke spins out. Victory for the Doctor! Never mind the fact that he's not winning, he managed to inconvenience other people which really, is what matters. His victory is short lived, however, because soon after there is another foot in his head. Again. Why is this his role in life, getting feet to the head. This is what, the fifth time in the past five seconds? It's getting annoying

So, the Doctor's decided to solve the annoying problem by simply standing up. he's six foot, there's no way that Josuke or Hazel will be able to kick him in the head again.

Problem solved, Doctor's not going to get kicked in the head anymore. And yeah, he's right in the way of Hazel and Josuke and is totally blocking the screen, but their loss! He...is also still not looking behind him, even though he's standing up because he's not entirely sure what is going on. Just gonna focus on winning and passing Hazel right now, that's the best option. ]

[Did she just...?

...she totally did!

Forget that he's probably accidentally fired off his two other turtle shells and forget the fucking track for a second (though he's not happy about the Doctor standing up and standing in the way! move your skinny ass, you old fart!) Josuke sinks his teeth into his lower lip as he tries to twist and turn out of Hazel's bear trap mouth. When that fails to work as planned, he just starts yelling at the man in front of both Hazel and him...]

She's fucking BITING me, aren't you a DOCTOR? You gotta DO something! I'm BLEEDING here!

[He's totally not bleeding. Not yet. But he's this close to throwing Hazel's controller across the room! As if her form of violent retaliation isn't precisely what he'd asked for by planting himself firmly on top of and in her way.]

[despite the fact that he hasn't moved and she still can't see and the high likelihood that she's probably dead last and running over and over into a curve right now, Hazel feels a sense of grim satisfaction settle over her. yeah, just try and get away from her now. you wanted to be this close? you're staying this close.

there's not a lot she can say and his theatrics considering how tightly she's latched on, but Hazel still manages to make her opinion known by trying to aim some kicks backwards and at Josuke. it's probably not going to work, but it's the thought that counts.]

[ yeah, sorry Josuke, the Doctor is just straight up ignoring you children, he is going to win and he is going to crush them both. He's still standing up, still totally in Josuke's way, attention mostly focused on the game. Some little part of him registers that Josuke said that he's bleeding and he should probably answer that, shouldn't he. ]

Sorry, not that kind of doctor, have you tried biting back?

[ aka bite each other and stop paying attention so he can totally sneak into first place. ]

[Backwards aimed kicks aren't going to fly (hah) for how much Josuke is squirming. At least, he's squirming until the Doctor says something about biting Hazel back and then he gets to thinking...

That idea's not half bad.

EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE SHE PROBABLY WON'T FEEL IT BUT HE CAN'T SAY THAT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW IF THE DOCTOR KNOWS ABOUT HAZEL!

This sucks. It's bullshit. And he's probably driving in the wrong direction by now, to boot.]

The hell kinda doctor are you, then?!

[Frustrated, the teenager grabs for the empty popcorn bowl and tosses at the Doc's back before reaching behind him and trying to pry Hazel's face off his shoulder by the nose.]

[the best kind of doctor, which is one that doesn't get involved in petty revenge squabbles. this is why he's her grandpa.

Hazel makes some kind of low indignant sound as she suddenly feels herself being jerked around by the nose, which she cannot feel but is still fucking rude excuse you that's attached!! there aren't too many options in fighting it when she has to keep her mouth where it is (although she's totally licking him now just to be petulant) so she's forced to sacrifice some of her gameplay and pull a hand off the controller. well, not like she was probably making much progress anyway.

now freed, the hand creeps up to try and find Josuke's stupid mouth and shove itself right in. try and fight both of those at once asshole.]

A doctor who's about to win this game!

[ Yeah, the person who currently isn't engaged in a biting war is currently winning. You go, Doctor. He is going to be a very gloaty winner if he does manage to win but let's be real here, they're all going to be very gloaty winners.

However, the premature celebrations are interrupted by a popcorn bowl right to the back, which causes the Doctor to stumble forward...and totally drop the controller. Here's hoping that Hazel and Josuke keep biting each other long enough for him to grab the controller and actually win the game. ]

Mmphhh!

[Josuke would yell his objection at the Doctor winning, but he's sort of preoccupied now with a hand trying to cram itself into his mouth! This is not his idea of a good time, guys!

Of course, his idea of a good time consists of being the winner of the race and, yes, gloating just like any of them would if they were to take first place.

In fact, to hopefully secure that first place position, Josuke clamps his teeth together to prevent Hazel's fist from diving deeper into his mouth and starts reaching for everything in the vicinity to throw at the Doc and to beat Hazel over the head with. Pillows, Hazel's socks, his own socks, and ultimately Hazel's controller. Whooosh! Hope you didn't need that, shorty!]

[WELL IF YOU WANTED HER TO STOP BITING YOU FINALLY FOUND THE ANSWER

unfortunately the reason that Hazel finally stops adding weeks onto the recovery time for that poor bruise is because she needs her mouth free to start shrieking obscenities at him - and they're close enough together that that's probably extra hard on the ear drums. her progress has been doubly stymied by Josuke's taking a leaf out of her book, but she's far enough in that she can unclench her fist and make a grab at his tongue with the express purpose of being a huge gigantic baby and yanking it around.

this is what you wanted, isn't it???? you wanted her to stop biting you??????

she's begun fighting anew to get out from underneath him now, vaguely sensing weakness from the Doctor and wanting to keep it that way. there's not a lot of hope for her pinned under that kind of bulk, but all that wriggling and fussing certainly can't be comfortable to sit on.

if she gets out she's taking the nuclear option to all this. the room has been warned.]

[ Due to his scrambling to grab the controller on the floor, the Doctor's managed to dodge a few of the pillows and one of Hazel's socks. Eventually, he's got the controller back (and is still in the game, he's got this) and stands up, blocking Josuke's view again...and is rewarded with a sock on his shoulder for his efforts.

Whatever, he can deal with this, socks are only small obstacles on the road to Mario Kart victory.

Thankfully, Hazel's controller manages to miss him. Unfortunately, her controller is flying straight towards the tv. In a moment that would be filmed in slow motion were this an action movie, the Doctor spots the controller, assesses the situation, realizes just how terrible the potential is, drops his controller, and reaches out to grab Hazel's before it hits the tv. Thankfully? He's successful. And now...is holding Hazel's controller. And might have forgotten in his sheer relief that it's not his own. And is currently trying to get Hazel's car back on track, absolutely ignoring her shrieks in the background as he tries to get her cart back on the road and into the game. ]

[This is why you don't let senile old men play video games! If the Doctor wins with Hazel's character, she's never going to let either of them live it down! She'll be completely insufferable about having still won despite all the obstacles thrown at her!

And worst of all, she'd be right.

Josuke cringes around the hang jerking his tongue around. He's not sure he likes this better than the way she used to cram her fingers up his nose, it certainly makes returning screams of profanity more difficult! But it's the least of his concerns as he tries to worm his way off the couch and away from her...towards the Doctor's legs. Anything to bring him down. To bring Hazel down! He needs that controller!]

[is that..? holy shit, it totally is. Hazel notices her own kart starting to finally move in the right direction out of the corner of her eyes, and it only takes a few seconds after that to realize what's happened.

oh hell no is she letting this go down in flames. there'd be nothing more fitting than winning like this.]

Fucking no you don't!

[the nice thing about Josuke trying to get away from her is that she's finally free to struggle out from beneath him. Hazel takes full advantage of that by wrapping her free hand around his neck and kicking at him with everything she's got like some kind of rodeo pro. her other hand remains steadfastly yanking on his tongue to make sure he can't warn the Doctor of his mistake.

TRY AND BEAT HER NOW MOTHERFUCKER]

[ Josuke manages to nudge into one of the Doctor's legs, knocking him off balance. Because it's that kind of a day, trying to get himself further on balance only knocks him off balance even more as he falls backwards, getting one of Hazel's legs to the back of the knee in the process. ]

Knees! Watch the knees!

[ He's still got a grip on Hazel's controller as he's driving and...wait a minute, why's he a girl. He picked Granddad Gorilla, why's his car got a girl in it now? Really, this is silly, why would the game swap drivers for him halfway...

...

oh no.

He's close to the finish line, close to winning, but the Doctor practically throws Hazel's controller behind him as he starts to scramble to find his controller so Granddad Gorilla can properly win the game. ]

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if you find yourself alone, riding in green fields, do not be troubled

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