maskormenacelogs | losing my mind this time

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losing my mind this time

WHO: Minato, Shinjiro, Akihiko (Open to SEES and affiliates! Lemme know if you want a thread)
WHERE: De Chima 004
WHEN: backdated to during and post Swear-In event because we all have zany schedules
WHAT: Dealing with feargassing and the aftermath
WARNINGS: DEPRESSING TEENAGERS AND THEIR SAD LIVES

[Starters below!]

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With the chattering, dense crowd and the intermittent explosion of fireworks, there wasn't a lot of warning when it came to the toxin filtering into the grounds and buildings. Just more smoke and flashing, despite the sickly-greenish-yellowish-puke tinge of the last display. But it's not even a minute or two later, while the crowd had begun to disperse and make for their next destination, that everything begins to go wrong. Some had started shrieking uncontrollably before others. There's initial concern among the crowd, that quickly gives way to panic and terror as the toxic gas filters and spreads, lingering on skin, hooking into the membranes of the mouth and nose and eyes, and sinking deep into lungs.

It's at the edge of the crowd, closer to one of the buildings, that Shinjiro had been half-watching the display for the evening- mostly killing time, until the group was to regroup and head back. But by the time he has any indication that anything is wrong, by the screams and shouts and crumbling crowd, his own vision is starting to distort as well.

Everything almost seems blurred and distorted-- and he blinks once, twice, and then the pain sets in. Pressure immediately flaring up from his skull, pressing hard against the back of his eyes, crackling across the temples, like an immense thing trying to split it from the inside out. His knees weaken slightly, one shoulder slumping against the brick wall, and his hands come up to grip tightly into his hair, all while that sick, nausea-inducing dread lurches up from his gut.

He's not a stranger to migraines, sure: but he knows this feeling. Even if it's been years since it's been this bad. He knows the sensation of his Persona breaking free of its own volition. The thing he's most afraid of here, with his powers returned, having slowly tried to make amends with Ken, having been trying to restrain and control his powers-- the rushing, flailing crowd fades into a dim white noise at the realization that he can do nothing to stop this.

A hitched noise-- and his own voice joins in with the roar of the crowd screaming, even if he's not aware of it. Wasn't this what he'd been practicing for, right? All those times, with Jaime and Minato, and Kotetsu. He'd been trying and trying and running himself into the ground, all to try and control his powers and keep from hurting anyone. He wants to vomit at the thought that it's all for nothing- that he can't stop Castor from lashing out and crashing into some of these natives or imPorts, or this building, or- anything. The pain finally makes him drop to his knees, teeth gritting and eyes squeezed tight, fingers still fisted tightly in his hair, as though that would restrain it all and make it go away.

It doesn't.

With a sharp, grating screech- like rusted metal whining against itself, or wrenching painfully, his Persona filters into existence. Huge, skeletal, and rearing back in that sheer terror brought into being by the toxin continually inhaled and goaded along with the panic of the crowd. There's only a brief moment as it cries out, and Shinjiro feels himself yell something at it, though the words get lost in the din and confusion. Ignoring him, the Persona bucks and leaps towards a dense group nearby, all occupied with either staring or shouting or fighting among themselves, and unable to disperse.

Edited 2015-08-23 01:37 (UTC)

At this point, Minato isn't surprised to find himself immune to anything-- he seems to be the exemption to a lot of things-- and is instead grateful. It doesn't take long after he figures out what's going on for his brain to flash, alarmed, to Shinjiro. Nominally he's more responsible for Ken than Shinji, but one of them has a history of losing control and a guilt complex about it a mile long, and that pulls Minato in one direction first. Ken will be stop two.

Fortunately, Castor is easy to spot once he's out, especially with Minato looking for him. Giant floating skeletal horsemen tend to attract attention, too. Minato jerks abruptly in a different direction-- he'd been running the wrong way looking for Shinjiro-- and hustles over as fast as he can, desperately hoping he'll be fast enough. More for Shinji's sake than whoever would be hurt by it, because he knows that while they can be healed or resurrected, the resulting trauma to his teammate won't be erased so easily.

He makes a snap decision and switches to Alilat, adrenaline carrying his Evoker to his head and his finger tugging on the trigger. She has full repel of physical attacks of every kind, but he uses her appearance to cast a Makarakarn anyway.

"Senpai," he calls out, the thick crowd separating them and forcing Minato to shout. It scratches his throat from unfamiliarity. "I'm here, you can let go!"

He's still having trouble processing it all. Even now, a few days after the event, he's not slept for more than an hour or two at a time, jolting up covered in sweat and gasping for breath. Every time it feels like his chest will cave in, and every time those images flutter across his mind again: The mass panic, his own Persona rising up and lashing out, the blood, the bodies--

It doesn't matter how many times he's told that it didn't happen.

No matter how much the reports afterward agree with what his teammates keep affirming- that Castor didn't manage to hurt or kill anyone, that Minato had intervened. It still feels real and it makes him feel sick, that old festering wound of his tearing open all over again. He distinctly remembers that burning, aching pain across his skull and ribs and sternum- of the Persona breaking free and attacking again and again, and what he saw of the results felt so real. If he didn't know how painfully honest Minato and Akihiko always were, he'd almost have thought that the explanation that he was seeing things, and that no one had been hurt by him was just a pretty little lie to keep him from leaving and withdrawing into himself again.

But by now, Shinjiro's at least calmed down...mostly. He's stopped flinching and starting at crawling bits of darkness in the corner of his eyes- though the benign hallucinations are still there, they're definitely less than they were. The flashbacks are less intense and often, and the pressure in his head, migraines building, has steppped down a notch as well. He's not alright, but he's definitely better than he was, now that the majority of the toxins had worked their way out of his system.

And it's likely an encouraging sight to see him actually eating something of his own volition-- even if it's just a bowl of half-soggy, cold cereal in the middle of the day, while he stares through the table ahead of him, as though pulled back in some sort of thought. It's at least something.

There really hadn't been any time before to react.

It was so quick.

The fireworks, whatever they had been speaking about before, he remembers behind mid sentence when he felt Shinjiro's hand crush his own before it tugged away. Mid sentence when he glanced over and saw his eyes widen before they crushed closed in pain. Mid sentence when everything shoved back years into the past and he saw something in Shinjiro he hasn't seen since...

There wasn't any time to react.

People around them were in turmoil as well, so many things were happening at once, and even though the world shrieked and buzzed and ran around them, Akihiko's entire world was curling up next to him in pain, in fear. He felt it himself, but it was almost second nature to zap into electricity, to circle around and reform his body on Shinjiro's other side. Taking the form of pure electrical energy made whatever that gas was in him dissipate, leave him, got his head clear again before he was once again focusing on Shinjiro's reaction to it all. Worried, pissed, and then shocked-

When he saw Castor again.

But there wasn't any time to react.

He had to worry about Castor and his affect on Shinjiro before he could think about why or how. And he's glad everything happened quickly after that. Shinjiro was brought home, everyone dispersed, licked their wounds and took part in helping others as they could. Akihiko kept with Shinjiro though, drove him home, got him in bed, though Shinjiro seemed completely inclined on getting there and laying there on his own. He knows how much of an issue Castor is to Shinjiro, maybe more than anyone else. So what could he say?

Anything?

Not yet anyway, he'd give him some time, but in that time he could think. Minato... was it just because it was Minato that he took to it so easily? That he was so quick to help, to know what to do? Did... could whatever that smoke was be the reason Castor was back? But the Porter had taken it away so did that mean when Shinjiro came back again he...

Akihiko's not too happy with how the thoughts are pissing him off, but they are. And even though his first instinct is to go into that bedroom and yell and shove at Shinjiro to be honest with him, he'll stay seated for a bit longer.

The news is a low rumble in the back of his mind, he doesn't really hear it, but focusing on the screens helping a little. Not- really. It keeps him there to calm down, but still he'll find himself slamming a fist against the cushion and shoving himself up.

If that smoke didn't some how unleash Castor then- why the fuck didn't Shinjiro tell him? He told Minato- so then, who else? Shouldn't he have been the first person to know? And he had to fucking find out like this? Something so important to Shinjiro, how long has it been going on and he didn't see any of it, figure any of it out... Were they living that different of lives here still that he'd never see any signs of it? That Shinjiro wouldn't see a reason to tell him?

That's about how it went for a while, and Akihiko didn't much sleep in the room. He left it to Shinjiro, though didn't leave him alone completely. He stayed home the majority of the day, if anything getting a jog in in the morning and at night. They'd be in the same room here and there, and Akihiko let him be quiet.

It wasn't until he was, yeah, finally seeing Shinjiro eat again as they sat in the kitchen that he finally said something. Akihiko hadn't even thought about before, he just stopped, stared into his own bowl, and spoke.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Angry, yeah. You can hear it in how his tone snips at the edges, can see it in how tight he's holding his spoon. His advanced strength easily molding the shape of his fingers into the metal of it's handle.

It really was inevitable. He'd put off telling Akihiko for so long, that he ran out of ways to justify bringing it up at all. It was easier to reason out all the reasons not to do it, the longer and longer it went: it wouldn't help or change anything, Akihiko was already worried and overbearing, he was working on it all on his own, for once in his damn life--

But the question still slices like shattered glass, so straight and edged and pointed, and his eyes dip farther down into the grainy wood of the table, as though it would let him avoid this for just a bit longer.

It was what it was, after all-- fighting and arguing about it wouldn't change it. Akihiko knowing or not knowing wouldn't have changed it. So why make things any harder than they already needed to be?

But that question is still smoldering in the silence it left behind, and there's no escaping from it or getting up and leaving, now. It's not like back home, where he can just fuck off and hide away and go to any number of places he knew he wouldn't be found. He- actually has a life here, and a responsibility to it, as strange as it feels. So it's only a few moments as he tries to think of a response- and fails to find one that fits exactly.

"...I dunno." Honest, for once, and the words feel like chalk and ash in his mouth- so he'll shake his head, and lift a hand to shove tangles of hair from his face, even if there's still no direct return of eye contact. "It just- I thought I could keep a handle on it."

It sounds stupid- because it is. He'd never been able to before, he'd never really believed that he could. But he'd wanted to, more than anything else, fucking wanted to be able to deal with this on his own, not to worry Akihiko, give the guy yet another thing to worry about, to agonize over, to fuel that overbearing protective instinct. There was already plenty, after all.

Edited 2015-08-24 20:24 (UTC)

Doesn't help that eventually Akihiko is staring him down too. The question bites into him, and then a second attack of that stare. Anything to justify it by now... Shinjiro could have a lot of great reasons why he didn't tell him but none of them would be good enough. Every single one would be a damn excuse, one after another and Akihiko's stubborn nature wouldn't deal with it.

'I dunno' is probably the best thing he could say, not that it makes Akihiko feel any better. He'll look down again, pulling in a deep breath. The anger doesn't subside, but it's easier to deal with now than it was earlier.

"Yeah, but you told other people?" He thought he could... that's bullshit, just as Shinjiro's thinking it too. When was he ever able to deal with it alone? It was fine he couldn't, he- why didn't he just let Akihiko help him too? All he wants is to help him and be there for him.

His hands let go of everything and just sit on the table, making hard fists as he manually regulates his breath. He'll look down finally, gritting his teeth for a moment before speaking again.

"Did you think- I couldn't help you too?"

There's a faint wince to his expression at the fact posed as a question- as though he'd even be able to deny the fact that he'd told others first. The wrinkles between his eyebrows grow a bit deeper at it, and again, he can't think of an answer.

Yes- he'd told Minato. He was their leader, and the one who probably knew the most about the mechanics of Personas. Especially of multiple. He was collected and distant enough to the situation, but still aware of it, so that he could help while being given minimal explanation, and be easily trusted not to open his mouth about it to others. It had been an easy choice.

Jaime... Jaime was similar. The trade off of secrets, Jaime's powers and hero identity, Shinjiro's persona. He knew why Shinjiro resented his powers, and was cognizant enough not to bring it up directly a lot of the time- didn't ask stupid, painful questions, didn't press when he got close to going too far.

Of course Akihiko could have helped him. But it feels different. Akihiko had been next to him through his entire duration in SEES, but that made it harder, in a way- especially with the attitude Akihiko took to self-improvement. To facing it directly, trying again and again and again, never letting up. To press and pry until he got what he needed or wanted.

And it's just exhausting to think about. Having to actually answer to someone about whatever progress he doesn't feel he's made.

He shuts his eyes for a moment, pressing them tightly, before opening them again- just to make more of those dark, shadowed hallucinations skittering across the table disappear.

"You know it's not that." Abandoning the first question, but at least refuting the second. besides, there... there was so much always going on, so much Akihiko had to think about instead. Why add old, gangrenous wounds split open into the mix? On top of Ken's situation only a few months before, and every issue imPorts are pulled into- especially right after he'd returned from disappearing from this world for over a week.

"I just..." An annoyed exhale. It had felt like the right call. And now he hates having to justify it, especially with Akihiko either staring him or tightening all those muscles, all that pressure of expectation or confrontation. And so old habits tend to defensively kick in, looking out as he huffs out a retort. "-Look, what do you want? You know now."

It's always the people you're closest to you have a hard time with things like this. Akihiko didn't make it easy either. He was always working to improve himself, setting some example without meaning to. It's intimidating, especially when he directs a lot of his energy to Shinjiro. That pushing, it's always kind of pushed Shinjiro away though, hasn't it? He doesn't realize it's so oppressive, he's just showing that he cares after all. But when someone keeps shoving at you to change and get better and fix shit, it's a lot to deal with.

It makes a lot of sense Shinjiro hasn't said anything.

Not that Akihiko thinks that. It makes no sense to him at all, and pisses him off. He should've told him, if not first... at all. He's known him nearly all his life, so it really- hurts that he didn't know. That Shinjiro would think to tell Jaime and Minato before telling him, that he wouldn't even mention it after.

"You just? What'd you just have to do?" Clipped, his tone hard, he can feel and hear buzzing in the back of his head, bolts of energy snapping in the back of his mouth. "Yeah I know now. I can't change that you didn't tell me before, but something like this-

you wanted me to find out like this?" His hands slam on the table, fists. It shakes under it, his bowl jostling, spoon clinking. He takes a breath, staring down, his eyes in a heavy glare.

"I always have to find things out too late. How am I supposed to do anything when I don't even know what's going on?" Having to watch Minato take charge, leader or not. Having to be so behind, confused. It was difficult for him to have to sit back and not know what was going on. What to do. He could help pick up later but... in the moment-

He was scared for him. And he felt helpless. He can't feel helpless.

Another flinch as Akihiko's hands bear down powerfully on the table- And it's not that he's startled or caught off-guard by the gesture, so much as pierced by the words and that roiling wave of how much he hates himself and his own decisions. The realization of fucking up again and being unable to fix it.

Just like before: It happened, and there was no going back and fixing it. Akihiko hadn't known, and he did now, and that knowledge didn't help or fix anything in the past. His lips press together, and the inside of his mouth almost tastes metallic, insides knotting and clenching. (He wants to throw up. Not from nausea, but just to purge and rid himself of this damn feeling.) And just like so many times before, he doesn't have a real answer.

And unlike before, he can't just walk away and avoid it.

"-'Course I didn't." Said too late. No, he didn't want Akihiko to find out like this. But did that mean he didn't mean for Akihiko to find out at all? He still doesn't have the answer to that. He didn't expect to need an answer to that. He'd almost been optimistic enough to think that maybe it wouldn't be a problem this time- or that he'd at least last more than a couple months before losing it like this.

"But what the hell could you even do?" Usually he'd hurl it out as a challenge, to try and redirect some of this frustrated energy at Akihiko instead. But now it's less intensely spoken, more honestly. He knows Akihiko hates to face this almost as much as he does himself. Sure, Akihiko could have reacted sooner after Castor escaped his grip... but what could he do more in actually solving the problem? They couldn't solve it before, when Shinjiro had first joined SEES- and they'd never had a hard solution in mind anytime after, either.

"You know you'd just drive yourself crazy going in circles about this." His arms fold on the tabletop, looking down at them-- and always a contrast to the other man, he's more still, his tone lower and far more neutral, despite whatever he may be feeling. "And you probably will now, anyway."

"Be prepared for it?! What has Minato been doing for you? I could've helped, I could've done something if you let me."

"So what?" Sitting up a little, his gaze still intense. "So what if I drive myself crazy over it? At least we'd be in it together and you know you can't do this alone." Sneers.

"I wouldn't let you anyway, I can't let you, not anymore." Because they've seen how Shinjiro goes about fixing his problems, right? Not so well, not the best choices, especially not concerning himself. Shinjiro didn't say anything to not worry him, to not make it an issue, but Akihiko just can't see it like that. Instead of seeing it as Shinjiro thinking about him, he's just pissed in thinking he didn't think to tell him.

[Not for the last time, Jaime's grateful that he has Minato on his side when it comes to dealing with the rest of SEES. It keeps him informed even when he's... otherwise disposed. During the Swear-In, he'd been incapacitated, but now? Now he's in tenuous control of his own body, though he still has to check in with Khaji on occasion to make certain that he's only hearing things, which means he can start checking in with everyone else.

What happened to everyone else makes what happened to him pale in comparison. At least Jaime has a built in failsafe, even when he wasn't aware that Khaji would go that far. The fact that Shinji lost control of Castor is nothing short of devastating, and everyone in SEES - and Jaime - knows it. He swings by Minato's house, food in tow (his technique in times of strife, it seems, is to throw food at the problem) and looks around to see if Shinji's recovered enough to be fit for company yet.]

Shinji? Hey, are you around...?

[He is- still hanging quietly around the half-vacant house, currently occupied by various members of SEES, all under the watch of their leader and Koromaru, the two easily drifting from member to member throughout the days, even if just to make sure they aren't still seeing things or withdrawing too far into themselves.

Jaime showing up isn't entirely unexpected- but he wasn't certain whether it would be here, at his own home when he'd return, or maybe just a check-up text at some point. (They all seem possible, after all. But the food is a bonus. Even if Shinjiro doesn't have much of an appetite, the smell of something ready and prepared is enough to pique an interest.) So he sits up from where he'd been flipping through his phone, absently staring at the screen and failing to actually absorb any of the content that scrolled over it.]

...Hey. Over here. [Feet get moved off the couch as he actually sits up- And sure, he's a bit of a mess. A loose t-shirt borrowed from Minato, dark hollows under his eyes more prominent than usual, the tell-tale glancing to the edges of the carpet and walls, as though checking if dark spots are real or not.]

What's up?

Hi.

[Well, Shinji looks like shit. The good news is that he doesn't look physically awful, which means that he doesn't have to suffer from any emotional breakdowns (in the way that Shinji succumbs to any emotional breakdowns he ever does, which means slowly, silently, as invisible as the demons lurking in his head) while dragging an IV bag behind him.

Thank god for small mercies.]

Well, I brought food. The good choices were Asian takeout or Mexican, and you're a better cook than all the cheap Asian places, so...

[He sets the box in front of Shinji.]

You hungry? I can go grab a couple plates.

[He's definitely in better shape than a lot of others that had been at the swear-in- No fractures or breaks, minimal scraping and bruising. It's half from being dragged out so quickly and early, and half just because of his Persona's regenerative abilities. And while that doesn't seem like much, it at least means he's here, at a friend's place, rather than cooped up and being watched over in a bland, alcohol-smelling environment.

Jaime's comment earns a short huff of breath- something that might have resembled a single laugh if it had more energy or any sort of feeling behind it. It's a response nonetheless to Jaime's comment about his cooking being better, and he nods.]

Yeah, I could go for that. Lemme help. [As much as he wouldn't mind just hanging around doing nothing, he knows he should try and be active. At least try and engage in conversation, or go through the motions of getting out some plates and utensils. (Which will involve a bit of pulling out random drawers, really, since he's not entirely sure where Minato keeps his things yet.) Besides, Jaime is always a bit easier to relax around than others.

Sure, he's nosy-- and he still has a habit of pressing for information and questioning. But he's just as likely to pick up hints to drop something, or to leave subjects alone when needed. Just that little sense is enough to help the muscles in his shoulders loosen, if only slightly, as he gets up to help locate the plates and utensils.]

...Glad you're looking okay. I kinda lost track of people in all that shit.

[And-- hadn't yet felt up to bothering to check up on the network, or send out texts. His teammates had given him most of the highlights, anyway. Who was hospitalized for a while, who had been unscathed. It was information he should have cared about, but hated himself too much to get around to.]

Don't worry about it. I think most of us lost track of people. I didn't even see you.

[And he knows how much he must have been missing if he didn't see Shinji's huge - and, frankly, terrifying - persona in the mess. He wouldn't be surprised if his persona went completely unnoticed by many, if not most, another hallucination in the mess. Jaime scoops some food onto the plates Shinji fetched and slides it over towards him.]

But Minato filled me in on what happened anyway.

[Which means that a few questions are headed his way.]

[There's a short frown- but no immediate response, verbally or physically, as he simply reaches out for the plate and holds it up closer to his chest, leaning back against the counter. It's not surprising that Jaime knows, or would bring it up immediately, after all. But that doesn't make it exactly welcome. So, as always, he's silent for a moment, before nodding.]

...Had a feeling he would.

[The tone is a little bitter- but it's directed at himself, for it having happened in the first place, as opposed to Minato telling someone it likely mattered to. After all Jaime had been working with him to prevent it.]

Minato said I didn't manage to hurt anyone- [But there's something about the way Shinjiro says it that indicates he's not sure if he believes that just yet.] And I know he was there pretty damn quick. But...

[Teeth grit, shoulders hunched forward slightly as he stares down at the plate of food. 'But.' But he'd still lost control, still been a danger to anyone around him. Still fucked up in Akihiko finding out in the worst possible way, still not made any progress when it came to actually managing to control that part of himself.]

Still a step back. I know.

[Jaime winds up mimicking Shinji's body language, though not on purpose, leaning against the counter, shoulders slouched. He's not sure what he's supposed to say, but what he does know is that with Shinji, there's really no other way to face things save for head-on. It's a trend with SEES, perhaps, but one that he can keep up.]

It's not your fault, [he says, voice low.] The amount of people who did what might as well have been doing the exact same thing back there...

[He thinks back to Ethel in her hospital room, caving in with guilt, to Kitty charging at him with a knife, to all the people going at each other's throats with all the effort they could muster. It just so happens that people like Shinji, people like Ethel, people like him -- they're capable of more than some girl with a knife.

He shakes his head.]

...if all this proves anything, it proves that you really do have people who've got your back here.

[Maybe it's selfish, but he's gladder that Shinji didn't do any damage for Shinji's sake rather than any of his potential victims' sakes.]

-More like I dunno if there were even any steps forward. [Which had been a thought that had existed even before all of this- but one he'd managed to typically quell. Progress just may have been slow, or not particularly evident, after all. But every single time he went out with Jaime or Minato or Kotetsu, it always seemed the same. Okay for the most part, in a controlled setting with someone whose ability to prevent attacks he had faith in. But that was hardly predicative of real-life scenarios.

And then this.

But he can't argue with Jaime's second point. There were people here who were able to step in and pick up the pieces- or even able to prevent a disaster outright. It doesn't make him feel any better about being a problem to begin with, sure. But it at least lets him accept that the repercussions could be minimized.]

I shouldn't be their responsibility. [There's the counter-point, muttered before he shoves a forkful of rice and queso into his mouth, brows furrowing down at the plate.] I know you guys are able to cover me. But that just keeps you all from doing something more useful.

[Minato unable to step in and retrieve Ken sooner, because he'd been busy dragging Shinjiro away, for example.]

Helping you out is useful, [Jaime says sternly -- and it's not as if he'd been much more help at the Swear-In, not until Khaji had forcibly taken over. Go figure. One of their headmonsters decided to wreak havoc, and the other decided to evacuate the premises.] It's what we want to do.

[He kicks his legs out underneath the table, crossing them at the ankles. It's hard to reassure Shinji that progress has been made when he doesn't know how to gauge it. It requires a greater understanding of Personas, one that Jaime hasn't been able to quite grasp no matter how many times Ken or Minato patiently outline it for him.]

You can't just say that you didn't make any progress because you freaked out with a face full of chemicals. Everyone did.

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losing my mind this time

[Swear-in event]

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[Closed to Akihiko- 8/18]

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post-swear in, de chima 004

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