maskormenacelogs | we both have demons, that we can't stand

Sometimes... sometimes Toby would get out of bed and wander around Dorian's house. If Dorian were there, he'd always want to stay close; if he weren't, then Toby would feel lost and start thinking too hard about his feelings.

Since the swear-in, his fears seem to have taken a life of their own, and were just as vivid and hauntingly real as reality itself. The sun burning him into dust, Dorian breaking his heart a million times over... Or perhaps the idea that he really has no other purpose in coming to life, that his life with Dorian was a series of falsities compounded one over the other. Maybe he and Dorian are engaged in some horrible game where they pretend this huge stack of lies actually means anything at all to them, and whoever breaks first loses the game.

He hopes not.

Anyway, he's huddled in one corner of Dorian's bed because Dorian's scent lingers strongest there. As such, it's where he feels the safest.

"Yeah, I'm here." He's in a weird and sulky mood from all the thinking and frustration and loneliness. "I've got nowhere else to go anyway..."

"You can always go back to Heropa, with your flatmates," Dorian responded, not exactly exasperated, but a bit of pointing out the obvious. He walked back to his room, glancing at Toby for just a moment before walking in and flopping down on the bed, lying next to Toby.

He still couldn't believe it. Dorian had let Toby die. And worse, he hadn't even realized that Toby was dead. Combined with what he saw at the swear-in, if only for a brief moment (Toby's corpse, killed by him, by his portrait, by his hands), only made Dorian kick himself even more. He should have noticed. He should have done something. He still could do something but Toby just wouldn't tell him. Laying flat on the bed, he rolled over, to his side, looking up at Toby from his side of the bed.

There's a small pause before Dorian asks, "What do you want to talk about first?" Because it was obvious they had a lot to talk about.

He swallows at Dorian's biting response and immediately regrets answering as he did. Dorian has been trying, and Toby hasn't made it easy for him. His behavior has become intolerably embarrassing—for himself, at least.

His hand goes to Dorian's head before running his fingers through beautiful, dark curls. And then, Toby sighs. "I'm... sorry. About all this."

Even though he knows Dorian doesn't think it's his fault and often expresses such, Toby can't help feeling like it is. If he hadn't shown up here, none of this would've happened. But then again, maybe something else might have happened instead. So in the inevitable long run, does it really even matter?

"I guess we could start talking about the shrink," he replies. "You seem adamant about that. Why?"

"Well for starters, I don't think you need one." Or, at least, he's truly hoping and truly trying to believe that Toby doesn't need one. Because there's nothing wrong with Toby. In his mind, there's nothing wrong with Toby, he's just wonderful and perfect and beautiful the way he is.

Still, he knew that Toby would challenge him on that, so Dorian continued on. "If you want to see one though, I just don't think you should see Chilton. I saw him for a little while, just to try and mess with him" Seeing a psychiatrist just for the laughs, because he wanted to, because he was bored. "He's...weird." Weird is a nice way of putting it. Granted, part of it was Dorian finding himself telling Chilton things that he never thought he'd tell the man. But there was something else. He was touchy-feely, he was argumentative, and the way that he had just bristled when Dorian insinuated he had slept with a patient was equal parts interesting and amusing.

As such, there was no way in hell Dorian wanted to share his Toby with Chilton.

"I'd suggest you see a different shrink, but it looks like the only other imPort one went crazy and gassed the swear-in."

Toby quietly and patiently listens to Dorian's reasons: doesn't think Toby needs it, Chilton's weird, and Toby should probably see someone else. All right, they're not exactly the most compeling arguments against going to see this one, so he's obviously got questions.

"Are there really only two of them available?" He frowns. "Actually, before you answer that, mind elaborating on the 'he's weird' front? That's just so... vague. It's not like you were serious with him, so what's the big deal?"

"He's just weird!" But yeah, Dorian knows that's not an actual answer, so he pauses, frowns, tries to put together why he finds Chilton just so weird.

"I don't think he's ever not being a psychiatrist. Whenever I talk to him, it seems like he's always trying to analyze me or analyze my words. He never really turns it off, if that makes any sense." Dorian flops against the bed, frowning slightly, obviously trying to put his thoughts into words.

"Plus, he's touchy. Weirdly touchy." The cons of not realizing that hey, that weirdly touchy bit was actually Chilton trying to dope Dorian up with his gross finger sedatives. Whoops.

"And then what, you slept with him?" Toby doesn't sound completely defensive; there's a gentle understanding to his voice. Because that must've been before Toby showed up, must've been when Dorian was seeking companionship in others to fill the void, one where Toby should've been. But he wasn't there because he was stupid and decided to see the sun, and then he let himself die in Dorian's arms.

The thoughts conjure stinging memories—or are they hallucinations—again, and Toby noticeably flinches before actually shaking his head like the pain and heartbreak will fall loose somehow.

"Ugh... Anyway... I mean, that's probably a natural progression, right? You take all kinds of beautiful people, or let them take you. I doubt his cunning, intellectual, analytical nature is by any stretch a turn-off for you." Before Dorian can answer, he adds, "So what you're really trying to say is you don't trust me in his hands, is that it?"

The look that crawls on Dorian's face is just one of pure revulsion, equal parts revulsion at the idea of sleeping with Chilton and the idea that Toby thought he would sleep with Chilton. He opens his mouth to retort, but Toby continues. And the idea of Dorian not trusting Toby is enough for that look of revulsion to change to one of annoyance.

Did Toby really think he was that fickle? Did he really think that he'd just crawl into bed with any warm body who he thought was beautiful and cunning?

"I don't trust him, period. I'd tell anybody else the same thing." And, because the idea of him and Chilton just continues in his head, "I never slept with him, by the way. He's so old." A statement that's entirely hypocritical coming from the immortal to the older vampire, but indeed, Dorian is pretty much a massive hypocrite. "Plus, I'm fairly certain he's still closeted."

Wonders never seem to cease here; Toby finds himself surprised at how quickly Dorian's expression changes. Dorian's annoyance speaks volumes, and it's more than enough to properly warn Toby away.

"Barring that, do you mean he is old, or that he looks it? There's a difference, you know." After all, Toby is old, though he certainly doesn't look it. "But fine—I won't go. Maybe I could find someone other than him and the one who gassed us."

Right after mentioning the gas, Toby softly brushes the back of his hand against Dorian's cheek.

"I don't mean to worry you, I really don't. But I know I can't just be like this all the time." Because he knows very well where his dark thoughts have led him in the past, and even if dying here means returning to life... No, never again. He won't allow himself to be so cruel and unfair to Dorian, not anymore. Or, at least, he'll put forth his very best effort.

Edited 2015-08-21 05:45 (UTC)

"He looks old." Though, it's a bit of both. Chilton's what, in his forties? He looks old but he also just is old. And, barring immortal exceptions, Dorian wasn't one for anyone over a certain age.

And then they got to the elephant in the room. The swear-in. "Whatever you do, I'll be behind you a hundred percent." Because that's the right thing to say, isn't it? That's the thing you say to make Toby feel better, to make him less worried. Because he wants to make Toby feel less worried, he wants to help him out in any way, he wants to just be there for him. Dorian also knows what would happen if Toby just dwelled on things.

"What can I do to help?"

Toby seems quiet and hesitant after Dorian's question, and perhaps Dorian could guess it's because Toby thinks he asks for far too much. He'd wanted all of Dorian to himself, and Dorian hastily abandoned the others just for Toby. But after the swear-in, after all the hurt that both was and wasn't real... it's just hard.

The idea that imPorts are just ticking time bombs that could go off at any minute couples with Toby's knowledge that he himself is, by nature, a vampire; this bothers him. Seeing Dorian simultaneously pushing buttons and flirting and casually setting up dates while Toby himself suffers pain and heartbreak does little to assuage those feelings. And now, he can't help questioning whether Dorian actually loves him or simply enjoys keeping him as a trophy of whatever form of "love" they share.

Beauty and death, together. Thirty years is a long time to have kept Dorian waiting if Toby had intended to come back at all; he would that it were only a short while, and that he'd made it up to Dorian sooner. He feels yet another twang of guilt and pain, and curls inward, gently pulling away from Dorian.

With a sigh, he finally answers, "I... I don't know; I wish I did. The things I want to ask of you, they're completely selfish and unfair. Especially when you've already come this far in this world—I have no right to interfere with that."

Edited 2015-08-21 16:44 (UTC)

"I haven't come as far as you think I have," Dorian admitted, with a little frown. Sure, he had made some friends. He had tried to make a living for himself and make a life here. And hell, he even had some lovers. But the person who he thought could replace Toby ended up being a damn serial killer and Abduxel...Abduxel was confusing. And confusing was putting it nicely. Toby was Toby and why on Earth did he not realize just how important he was?

Dorian's still lying on the bed, still looking over at Toby, not moving from where he lay. Though, as Toby pulled away, Dorian attempted to pull a little bit closer and reach over, to try and run his fingers through Toby's hair.

"You're allowed to be selfish," he gently responded from where he lay. Lord only knows Dorian was selfish enough for the both of them at times. Which really, might be the problem. He knew that Toby didn't like it when he flirted with Wayne. And he knew that he really should have found a different way to needle Crane, he should have suggested something other than dinner and a movie, he should have put it on private or something. But, then again, hindsight was twenty-twenty.

He shifts closer, allowing Dorian to pet his hair before cupping Dorian's face and caressing it.

"And you're allowed to be yourself. You are who you are; you are Dorian Gray." Toby's voice sounds encouraging for Dorian's sake and resigned for his own, and his gaze drops to the bed but doesn't focus on anything in particular. He blinks away the tears that he really doesn't want to well up but can feel coming anyway.

"I love you so. much." His voice shakes with how strongly he means it. "That... I can't even handle it sometimes, Dorian. You've been here for so long, and everything I try to build for myself already has your mark on it. I try to meet people—"

Here, he thinks of Drew, of Lucy, of both of the imPort shrinks they were talking about earlier, of Kanaya...

"—and you know them all. Or they all know you—and that's not your fault. You were here first, I know that, I should anticipate it. But... I don't know, I'm not sure how to say what I want to say, really."

Toby feels lost in the myriad of everyone and everything that seems to belong to Dorian, and he's trying to set himself as a person apart while simultaneously competing for Dorian's attention as well. How is he supposed to articulate something like that? Instead, he continues looking down at nothing on Dorian's sheets, brows knit in thought.

Edited 2015-08-21 20:59 (UTC)

Dorian sits up a bit, leaning over towards Toby. He loosely wraps his hands around the man's waist, more as a hug than anything else.

"There will always be more people," said with a quiet, slightly pleading tone of voice as he rests his head against the other man's back. If there was one thing that was true about this place, there would always be more people. People left and arrived on a fairly regular basis. "And if you want me to stay away from somebody, if you want me to just not talk with somebody so it can be Toby and that person, just say so."

He wasn't going to deny that he knew a lot of people. He wasn't going to deny that he had influence. It was simply part of being here for a while, right? And really, if not talking to as many people or just focusing on those he already was close with was something that could make things better between him and Toby then hell, Dorian would try it.

With a quiet hum, he relaxes and settles into Dorian's arms.

Here and now, it would be so easy to mention Abduxel and whatever goes on between them. If Toby gives Dorian the word or admits that Abduxel had killed him, then he could end things between them... or possibly make them far worse. And he doesn't want to take that chance, so he doesn't.

Instead, he sighs. "Dorian... Are you sure? I mean, you're serious? You really mean that?"

That's confirmation, right? That's Toby saying everything's okay, everything's fine between them, right? At least, that's a step closer towards everything being fine between them. Because right now, at the moment, that's really all Dorian wants between the two of them. Everything to go back to something vaguely resembling normal. Something close enough to count.

He doesn't move, instead still wrapping his arms around Toby. "Of course I'm serious. I'd do anything for you." And isn't that truth.

Pulling Dorian close, Toby turns to plant a soft kiss on him. Doesn't matter where, so long as it lands on Dorian.

"Thank you," he whispers. When he continues, his voice is louder but sounds more tentative because he's still hesitant about asking things from Dorian. "I, uh—or in that case, I do have a request."

When he turns this time, he pulls away just enough to look Dorian in the eye.

"If you could turn down the flirting, please. Even a little bit." He'd tell Dorian to keep it out of his sight, only that might come back to bite him in the long run. "And, well—I don't know if you've been forthright mentioning we're together, but. I admit I haven't always mentioned you by name, and if the same goes for you, then perhaps it's time we just come out and say it."

Stop flirting. Okay, he can do this, right? Right! Stop flirting, it'll make Toby happy, Dorian was just so wrapped up in Toby, in the idea of them being together that he would do pretty much anything the vampire asked. Stop flirting. He's got this. So, Dorian nods, as Toby continues talking.

And ah. The together question. "I've told some people I have a boyfriend, but I've been a bit dodgy about who." After all, their first month together was erratic, it only made sense in Dorian's mind to wait until they were ready. But, as Toby said they should just come out and say it, Dorian's face lit up. Yes. This was good, this was what he wanted to hear, this was perfect. "Thank you," he said, with a smile, as he leaned in to kiss Toby's cheek.

Even though Toby drops his gaze as Dorian leans in to kiss him, he's practically beaming, his lips spreading into a wide grin. He reaches a hand into Dorian's hair and runs his fingers through it. "You're welcome," he says softly, still playing with Dorian's dark curls.

With a small sigh of relief, he quietly adds, "Though, like I said, you are who you are—you're going to flirt, I know it. But I hope you're just as eager to show me off as well... Because I want to tell everyone, you're my Dorian Gray."

"Next swear-in, then," said with a grin, as he snuggled in closer towards Toby Show him off. A coming-out, so to speak, more of the archaic use than the modern term. "No matter what, I'm going to show you off then."

Of course, now that he said that, something absolutely terrible will happen next swear-in, but Dorian was nothing if not an optimist. Everything would go fine, he'd show Toby off, everything would run smoothly. He hoped.

"Why can't we before that?" Toby asks with a chuckle as he snuggles right back, continuing to run his hands through Dorian's hair. "Or, are you perhaps the one who needs time now?"

It'd make him feel so much better if they didn't hide it anymore. How wonderful it'd be hearing Dorian call Toby his own. If they always wind up going to swear-ins, why can't they be together instead of hardly seeing each other there? Especially after this last one...

"We can do earlier if you want," Dorian responded, with a little laugh. "I didn't know how much of a thing you wanted this to be." Whatever Toby wanted, Dorian would do. After all, it was the least he could do, right? Right. The more he thought about this, the more Dorian wondered why he hadn't done this earlier. If making their relationship public made Toby this happy, then he should have done it before.

Sometimes, Dorian mused to himself, he was a really terrible boyfriend (and also kind of dumb).

"Why, you're everything, Dorian. To me, this is larger than life."

Smiling broadly, he turns and presses his forehead against Dorian's. It's as if Dorian had swooped in and chased the traumatizing pain and heartbreak away—for now, at least. He has yet to see what lifelike nightmares his dreams bring him ~~tonight~~ in the morning.

"Also... how long can I stay here?" He may not be as close as he could be to Sasha and Laurie, but that didn't mean he wasn't worried about what they thought. Have they noticed he hasn't been home since the swear-in event, and what will they possibly think this time? "Not that I want to leave; I can't possibly want to leave you, not after all that... Though I'm just curious, I guess."

When Toby pressed his forehead to Dorian's, Dorian couldn't help but give the other man a small little smile in the process. He didn't know why he was so worried at first. Everything worked out, right? Right.

"You can stay here as long as you like," Dorian responded, still smiling, as he pulled away slightly, just enough so he could see Toby's face better. "Also...I've got a spare room. If you want, you can move in." He didn't know how Toby felt about his roommates. He also didn't know how Toby felt about the prospect of living together. But, now that Natalie had gone, he had a spare room, so honestly, it didn't hurt to ask.

His expression slightly softens as he marvels right back at Dorian when he slowly pulls away.

"Dorian... I..." His mind flashes back to old times at Dorian's place in Mayfair, and then he's beaming again. "I'd be more than happy to stay and take the other room."

Quickly, he pecks a small kiss at Dorian's cheek. With a chuckle, he adds, "But I imagine I'll be spending a deal of time in yours."

"Or vice versa!" said with a small little smirk as Toby pecks him on the cheek. "After all, sometimes we might just want to swap rooms or so." Boinking on Toby's bed instead of Dorian's. That's a good enough change of the scenery, right? Right.

"No more hanging socks on the door handle or anything like that."

"A place all to ourselves," Toby says almost dreamily. This certainly would decrease his chances of summoning Abduxel, or dying without Dorian's notice. All this seems rather exciting.

"I should get another job." The idea of going from Maurtia Falls to Heropa for work seems preposterous. And to fulfill that commute before sunrise? How ridiculous. "I've been thinking on getting a new one anyway. And then, of course, I'll have to pack up my things and bring them over..."

Not that he doesn't like his current company, but it's clear he's more than happy to be not only closer to Dorian, but right there with him.

"Tired of extolling the wonders of Vegimite?" He's teasing. He's straight up teasing, as shown by the fact that Dorian's got a ridiculous dumbass smirk on his face.

"The job market in Maurtia Falls is always looking for imPorts, if you want to pack up and move over here."

"Quite tired of it," he says with a laugh, playfully shoving Dorian away. "For the longest—that I've been here, I mean—I'd been thinking of doing some different work, anyway."

Toby then flops on the bed, his gaze still on Dorian's eyes.

"You'll help me make the move, right? Once I've got something, that is..."

"Of course!" said with a grin. "Moving from city to city's an absolute bitch, been there and done that." After all, he had moved from Heropa a while ago as well. Dorian knew all the ins and outs and annoyances of cross-Porter moving.

"So, got any idea of what you'll be working as yet?"

"Not in the least," he answers in a musing tone. "Though I have been researching on the internet—maybe something with... flexible hours? Telecommuting perhaps? Something so I won't be too concerned about getting back before sun-up."

Many night jobs fall into the same sectors or categories: warehouse, stocking, auditing, housekeeping/cleaning, call center, customer service, and bartending. The variety of services involving or associated with sex are often left unmentioned, obviously because people don't associate them with dignity and propriety. And perhaps they're right and entitled to their opinions... But there are ways to provide these services without being right at the forefront; there are ways to supply the demand from a distance, if one really knows how.

Toby has just the voice and experience for that, but only if he knows such a job exists. Which perhaps he does, though it'd be something easy to find if he hasn't already.

"Besides, I haven't quite scoped out the environment here in Maurtia Falls. Why I'd limited myself to Heropa this whole time is beyond me."

"Maurtia Falls has it's own selection of clubs and nightlife," said with a little shrug. Dorian's thinking also, trying to come up with something that would a: be flexible and b: not be degrading. Cleaning jobs happened at night, but there was no way on Earth Dorian would let Toby have a cleaning job. At least, if he got one, Dorian would throw a conniption fit until it was all sorted out.

"Really though, I don't blame you for limiting yourself to Heropa. I can't think of a single thing that's in Nonah myself." Dorian had been to Nonah like twice. If it fell off the face of the planet, he certainly wouldn't know.

With a laugh, Toby says, "I don't really remember hearing of Nonah until this last swear-in. I'd heard of De Chima, passed through there heading up to Washington DC last month. A friend moved somewhere near there fairly recently, but otherwise? I haven't really looked around there, either."

He seems a little embarrassed about it, as if he isn't trying hard enough to adapt or see things that he should see.

"Still, I'll see what I can find around here. Preferably something more glamourous than menial labour."

Dorian can't help but laugh at that, shaking his head. It's good to know that both of them really didn't know (or care!) about Nonah. Poor Nonah.

But as Toby keeps talking about jobs, Dorian can't help but smile. "I'll keep my ear to the ground as well. You overhear some strange things when you're bartending."

we both have demons, that we can't stand

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject