well jesus christ i'm not scared of dying

[crab]

WHO: dumb (dragony) and dumber (crab)
WHERE: their assigned place of residence.
WHEN: late evening january 15th, after all the new arrival shenanigans.
WHAT: karkat died, their universe died, and rua didn't make the universe cross. it's been a rough week.
WARNINGS: heavy profanity, probable discussion of death.

[ After everything he's gone through over the past few days, from his perspective, the only word to describe Karkat's sentiments when he's dropped off at his new place is exhaustion. By the time he pushes his way through the front door and steps over the threshold of the unfamiliar hive, he's pretty sure that he is capable of sleeping for at least a week, daymares be fucked.

He's so tired that any emotional feedback from someone who might have been dropped off before him is nothing more than indistinct background noise, for the moment. The door slams behind him, the sound offensively sharp. ]

Comments

[crab]

He went home? [ Karkat echoes, uncomprehending, before realization sinks in that there is really no one else she could be referring to, in the context of this conversation.

Rua. ]

Oh. [ It's a feeling similar to both being punched in the gut and having the floorboards ripped out from underneath you, and it's one Karkat is not entirely unfamiliar with, by now. The breath Karkat takes is unsteady, and his hands curl into fists against her back, clutching at the cloth there.

He went home. A kinder way of saying "he vanished, and I don't know where he is, but I'd like to think it's home and that he didn't merely cease to exist or get deposited in a doomed timeline to inevitably die horribly." That kind of departure has felt more like death than legitimate death for a long time now, for Karkat. Even throwing his life away can't save the people he cares about. He should have known better. He should have known that he isn't any hero, never deserved the title Lachesis tried to give him. He doesn't save people.

He's useless. ]

Fuck. [ The tremor in his voice is audible. ]

[dragony]

It was as we were coming to this world. [ only a few hours ago, she means. she can feel that tremor, and the way he clings to her now—the way she tries not to cling to anyone—and her words are quiet, soothing. It's alright, she says. It's okay.. ] I was with him. I felt it happen.

[ it's her hand, rubbing his back. ]

It wasn't like death. [ He didn't suffer. ] To me... it felt like sunrise, when the stars fade from view. You know, right? How the light gets harder to see... but even when it's impossible to see, it doesn't mean the star is gone. Our bond isn't severed. And neither is yours.

[crab]

[ He has to stifle the impulse to snap at her, to lash out, as has always been his habit, when in pain. Sunrise, stars fading from few, she can dress it up all she wants to, but that won't bring Rua back. ]

Flowery poetry isn't making this better, Ruka. [ He mutters, instead of the biting retort he initially wants to give. ] You can't fool me with this above it all charade. You know, this world isn't going to collapse around us if you just let yourself be upset for once.

[dragony]

I'm not upset.

[ but her arms fall still on his back, and she tries to pull back from the hug—trying, as always, to pull back from her own feelings. ]

I'm not putting on a charade.

[crab]

[ His hold slackens enough that she can break away, but one hand remains on her shoulder. He presses down, as if for emphasis, reminder. ]

The amount of times you forget who you're talking to is astounding, Ruka. [ It's not said with any aggression. If anything, he sounds tired. ]

[dragony]

You only understand my heart in grayscale. [ he sounds it, but she feels tired, exhausted and run dry. ] Part of me is sad, okay. I know it will be a long time before I see him again. But I'm not upset. That's not my whole heart, and I wish you wouldn't always assume that it was.

[crab]

Not anymore. [ This is with a little impatience. ] My empathy isn't the same, since coming here. I get both sides now, so you can toss that excuse out with the garbage where it belongs.

[dragony]

What?

[ this is new information. ]

How?

[crab]

Oh, yeah, because I know exactly how power changes happen and I can give you a blow by blow analysis on the precise method of mine's metamorphosis. I don't fucking know how. They've been this way since I got here.

[dragony]

I mean, how are they different.

[crab]

I get everything, now. Not just negative.

[dragony]

[ there is a—what should be—completely expected flicker of discomfort, when her arms pull away from him completely, instead folding against her own ribs between them. ]

Even so, you've still got it wrong. [ she doesn't say you're wrong. ] I'm not upset.

[crab]

Right. Fine then. Neither am I. Rua Porting out for an unspecified amount of time, coincidentally at the same time as the destruction of our entire previously inhabited universe? Who gives a shit? Not us. We're both too hard boiled and world weary for trivial wiggler nonsense like that.

[dragony]

I'm sad. And I'm going to miss him. I already do. [ her voice is level, steady; too level. too steady. it's tired, more than anything. ] But I've gone through this before, Karkat. More than once. I've had to lose him before. I'm used to it.

It doesn't hurt the way it used to.

[crab]

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at all.

[dragony]

I didn't say that.

[ her posture is still closed off, and the walls of her heart are as tall as ever. ]

But the way you talk, either I have to match how you think I should feel, or I'm lying.

[crab]

I. Am. An empath. [ Karkat's hand withdraws from her shoulder for the purpose of dragging it down his face. ] I literally know how you feel! I can't not know, even if I don't want to!

[dragony]

And for all that, you still don't understand the first thing about how I feel.

[crab]

[ He doesn't have the energy to fight her, the way he would under normal circumstances. He can't get angry. He's all burnt out on anger. All at once, the tension and aggression in both his posture and expression seems to drain away, and he's left feeling very small. ]

I try to. [ Is the soft response. ] But you don't make it easy.

[dragony]

It feels like, you always try to tell me how I should feel. [ her voice softens to his, though her arms draw tighter around herself. ] How you think I should, anyway. Like what's really there doesn't matter.

[crab]

It's not how you should feel. I know how you feel. Better now than I ever did before, even. The point is you aren't honest about it. Not even with yourself! Do you understand how infuriating that can get? It's like you're insulting my intelligence, when you try to pretend you feel one thing when we both know it's something else.

[dragony]

See? I'm not pretending anything.

Maybe the picture isn't as clear as you think it is... or, maybe it's only the words we use, that don't match up.

But, you never separate it from yourself, do you? When it's someone else's heart in your chest.

[crab]

Or maybe you spend so much time lying that you don't even register when you do it anymore. [ He snaps back at her -- her final comment has him bristling. ]

[dragony]

[ she's sure her other eye is going to roll right out of her skull. ]

You never believe me. Do you? Does it even matter what I say anymore?

[ there's flippancy, old gray walls and thick gray fogs, a sense of hurt no stronger than embers suffocating and going dark in the cold. (if ever it was a flame, neither light nor heat of it remain.) ]

[crab]

I'm not trying to... [ This is exactly what he wanted to avoid doing and here he goes doing it again. ] I'm not trying to wave it over your head, or humiliate you, or anything. I'm just. Trying to tell you. That it's okay to let yourself be upset about this.

And-- it helps to talk about it. I'd hope that you're already aware that you can talk to me, but it bears reiterating. I'm not trying to be a jackass about this, okay, I'm sorry if I've approached this completely wrong, I just want you to know. I want to be there for you.

[ His speech grows progressively more halting and reluctant, as he goes on. ]

I don't want you to make this all about me. He's your genetic similar.