maskormenacelogs | i don't know why, i just feel i'm better off

[The Python reference is tempting, and as much as he'd jump all over it any other time this is kind of a serious conversation. When Tara's spilling her guts about breaks up and dying is probably not the time for a joke. He'll demand a shrubbery later.]

You have to tell me if I'm scaring you or something. I don't want to, but I'm not a mind reader. That's more my sister's thing.

[Gosh, when did he start sounding so much like his mom?]

[oh. uh. probably a good thing he brought up having a sister who can read minds, because basically her whole body tenses up when she hears it.]

You weren't until you mentioned your sister. I... you understand that I don't exactly want this stuff getting out there, right? I keep a lot of secrets for a lot of really good reasons. [at least, that's what she tells herself.]

[she crosses an arm over her chest to grab her other arm and looks away from Gar, out towards the city streets. "Maurtia Falls" has started sounding more and more like a sentence than a town name lately. fortunately, she's been able to keep herself out of trouble with all this Archangel stuff she keeps hearing about, but it's still not exactly low-stress.]

I don't like mind readers. [she feels like Gar's sister might be one of the good ones, but she's never met her and has no desire to at this point, because what if she's wrong? or what if she's right? it doesn't matter.] I can't really think of a power scarier than that.

Yeah, ‘course. [He may not have a secret identity, or many other secrets for that matter, but Nightwing made sure he had an appreciation for how important they were for some other heroes.] If you need me to keep quiet, I can do that.

And I…I can’t blame you. Telepaths can do some scary stuff.

[M’gann can tear information from minds, uncover people’s darkest secrets, rip psyches apart… and he’s seen her do some of those things to people on the Team. It had taken him a while to learn to trust her again after that, and he didn’t even have secrets to keep from her at the time. Tara doesn’t know M’gann, and does have secrets… Maybe she’s right to be warry.]

If you don’t want me to talk about her, that’s okay.

You can talk about her, I don't mind. [she looks back at him finally, but doesn't drop her guard.] Just, I don't know. Maybe don't talk to her about me? At least... [she fights back a shudder, poorly.]

At least not until I get the chance to talk to her myself. I get the feeling I'm going to be meeting a lot more superheroes whether I want to or not now. I...

[crap. is this going to be when she tells him what Slade did to her? does she even need to justify why she's scared of mind readers so much? she's going to say it anyway, isn't she. because her stupid mouth just doesn't know when to stop talking.]

She's probably a good person. But it's about control. About me having control of things. I spent... so much time trying to get it myself. And then I kind of got it, and somebody else stole it from me. He made me a thing. [she clenches the fist of her dangling arm and scowls on the last word.]

I don't... want to have my control taken from me again. Not after I fought so hard to keep it.

[Gar scoots closer to Tara and hesitantly puts his hand on her shoulder. He wants to hug her, to comfort her, but he’s not sure this much contact isn’t pushing a limit already.]

I’m sorry that happened. You’re not a thing.

[Once again he doesn’t know what to do but offer his sympathy and reassurance. He wishes he could help more. It’s breaking his heart to hear everything she went through, and hear in her voice, see in her body language how painful it all was for her. He became a hero because he wanted to protect people, and he wishes there was some way he could protect her from her past.]

And if anyone tries to do that to you again, call me. I’ll peck their eyes out for you.

[Hopefully that slightly humour promise of violence will lighten the mood a bit.]

[she doesn't move away. if she pretends hard enough, it's Gar. her Gar, from before everything went to pieces. before the ferris wheel, before the hall of mirrors, before the Tower break-in.]

I think I can handle it, but I appreciate it.

[she gives a small smile, more polite than anything else. she's not really in the mood to think about revenge right now.]

He took control of my body. My powers. He used me to kill people he didn't like. And the worst part is that I stopped hating it after a while.

[she's specifically talking about the Titans here, but there's no way she doesn't have murders, ordered and otherwise, weighing down her soul. there goes her stupid mouth again. she has a feeling Gar isn't going to know what to do this time either, but it's still a part of who she is. a part of her that she had come to terms with once already, just not here. there's a lot of time for thinking when you're petrified.]

[so she isn't going for pity with this. she's beyond her own uncomfortability threshold already and is speaking very matter-of-factly about what happened to her instead. congratulations, Gar. she's being way too calm about this and that's probably freaky.]

[At that confession he draws his hand away. He doesn’t mean to, but… killing? That’s jarring.]

How could you— [No. No, he shouldn’t say that. He’s trying to be non-judgemental here and that’s not constructive. Besides, she said he “used” her to kill, maybe she didn’t want to?

…He’d expect he to be more emotive if that was the case.

Then again, when he thinks about it, he’s seen this kind of thing before; the upset followed by eerie calm. In himself in the months after his mother died. Canary had told him that sometimes happened when someone goes through a trauma. If she didn’t want to kill this does sound like it would qualify.]

[On the other hand, he needs to make sure. After a too long silence he asks:]

Do you do that anymore? …Kill people? [He doesn’t want to have to take her down, but he’s a hero. He will if he has to.]

No!

[that one comes out really, really quickly, because she's already sure she's driving him away and she isn't sure if she wants that or not, god, why does this have to be so confusing, obviously she's come to terms with it already and beaten herself up about it enough, either Gar accepts it and she has a friend or he doesn't and she has what she started with and she doesn't even know what she wants anymore. but what else is new.]

I don't... I never wanted to. [sounds like another lie, but at least she's giving him her full attention now.] He tried to make me kill you. And the other Titans. And that's when I started fighting back, and then...

[the lava pit, the volcano, the power surge. her death. she hasn't told this story that much but it already feels like she can blow through all the details like they're nothing.]

That's when I died. I killed Slade, and that's the last person I'll ever kill, and then I died.

[she doesn't want to dwell on the details anyway, because she's already here, isn't she? back again, given a second chance through mysterious means. all she has to do is not lose control of herself to the things that Slade conditioned her to do. and she can be a normal kid again.]

[It will take him a few days to really accept that truth, that Tara killed. He’s so basely against it, but he’ll come to terms with it. She is not her past, she said she didn’t want to, and Gar believes that. How could he not, after all the honesty and trust she’s already shown him?

Tara didn’t want to kill. She’s not like the villains they fight, she didn’t do it just because she could. That’s important. He’ll just keep reminding himself of that, and it’ll be fine.

With a deep breath in Gar forces himself to relax a bit. She didn’t want to.]

Good. I… I’m glad. And hey, you died a hero. That’s-- [Cool? No, that’s not the right word.] If you’re gonna go, that’s the way to do it. [After seeing so many people die in the line of the duty, he had to believe at least that much was true. As far as he could tell, sacrifices like that were never in vain.]

You must have loved him, huh? The other me? [If he was the reason Tara started fighting back, he was so important to her that she rebelled, killed someone, and died for him and the Titans; Gar can’t think of any other conclusion.]

[she's going to let that "you died a hero" thing go. Gar doesn't need to hear any of her tirades on heroism or the thoughts about how Beast Boy was the one who convinced her that this was the only way out (which, thanks to Power Girl, she hasn't thought in earnest for a while—but they're still there). she turns towards him ever so slightly.]

I think I did. But I was 14, so who even knows if I knew what love was? [she forces a smile to her face, and further forces it to look wistful. Terra, the superhero, might have loved him. Tara wanted nothing more to do with him, at least not the one from her home. who knew if that meant all Garfield Logans.]

Not like I know much better now. It's only been a couple years, and I was dead for most of it. But whatever I felt for him, I think it did end up helping me out in the end. [she's also going to leave out the part where he betrayed her trust and brought her to Slade's door in the first place.] He was a good guy. I was trying to be good, in the end. It worked out.

[she shrugs. it's history, at this point. it's not who she is anymore.]

I’m glad it worked out. [It doesn’t sound like it would live up to his expectations of something ‘worked out’, but he doesn’t want to challenge her on that. If it’s good enough for her that’s probably all that matters, right?]

Sorry I dragged all that stuff up, by the way, I didn’t mean to. [Really, it’d been quite a surprise.] But thanks for sharing it with me.

[And he really does mean that; it can’t have been easy. She’s shown him a lot of trust (who knows how many other people she’s talked to about this), and he appreciates that. God knows he’ll try his hardest never to betray that trust.]

You’ve told me so much about yourself, I feel like you should get a freebie to ask me a super personal question or something. Level the playing field, or whatever. [He half forces a bit of laughter. He is sort of joking, but on the other hand he wouldn’t mind Tara taking him up on that, show that the trust goes both ways.]

Yeah. No problem.

[she thought this would be a bigger deal for her in the end. really, she's very blasé about the whole... reveal thing. sure, it was scary to actually come out and say it, but once she started it came out as easily and routinely as talking about what she had for lunch. the only thing she's worried about now is trusting Gar. which, yeah, is a not insignificant factor.]

[she starts regurgitating facts that may or may not all apply to this Gar, but she kind of knows a lot about her Gar for better or for worse. she knows he's offering the opportunity as a display of trust, but there isn't a lot she could ask that she doesn't already know.]

Your name's Garfield Logan. Your parents are Mark and Marie Logan. You contracted sakutia when you were younger and your skin turned green when your parents tried to cure you. Before you were on the Titans, you were a member of the Doom Patrol.

[it's only on this last thing that she gets a bit more character to her voice. she smirks like she's about to deliver a punchline.]

And you have a thing for me.

[Pretty straight faced:] Actually, hardly any of that is right.

[She might be right about one or two things; his name, his mom's name, thefacthe'sintoher, but everything else is way off base.

That's not surprising though. The Blue Beetle here seems to have little in common with the one Gar knew, the Flash is a super young, Batman didn't even know Robin at first. He's learned the alternate universe differences can be pretty extreme.]

I've never heard of sakutia, or the Doom Patrol. And you already know that my team isn't the Titans. But maybe my dad's name is Mark, that would make sense. [Considering his middle name is Mark, it could be possible, though he really doesn't know. Mama Logan never told Gar about his dad before she died, and he never asked.]

[okay. she was expecting to get a little more out of that. but there is the one thing he didn't address out loud, and she's at least pleased with herself for being a good enough "detective" to tell when somebody is crushing on her, even if she's not necessarily feeling it back.]

Okay, so maybe that's all stuff that just happened to my Gar. Probably a good thing you don't know anything about the Doom Patrol. I hear most of those guys are jerks, and their nemesis is a brain in a jar and a talking gorilla who are dating or something? It's really weird.

[she's loosening up a little now that he's taken her off her guard. that's a plus.]

I appreciate that you're cool with me asking things about you, but I don't do that whole... "show me yours, I'll show you mine" thing with people's secrets. It's a really crappy way to hold leverage over people. [she still totally does it. she's trying to stop doing it and it's a very uphill battle, but everything starts with a first step.] If you have stuff you want to tell me, you do it on your own time.

Ugh, the Brain and Gorilla Grodd. We ran into them too. [And it's probably obvious from the disgusted face he makes that Gar does not like them. If they're the Doom Patrol's big bads, he can do without.]

See thing is though, I don't really have secrets. [There's things that few people know about him, sure, but not because they're secrets, just because they don't come up. There's nothing he can think she'd ask that he wouldn't answer without hesitation.] I guess I have stuff I want to tell you, but just cause I want you too get to know me too, not for secret leverage or anything.

[Tara cocks and eyebrow and a hip, then puts her hand on it. the hip, not the eyebrow. she doesn't really realize it, but she's mimicking the stance from when she met her Gar for the first time. she's just trying to be casual.]

I don't have anything planned for the rest of the night, dude. Fire away if you want to. After the stuff I've told you, there isn't much you could say that I think would be off-limits.

If you insist. [He sighs exaggeratedly and then, of course, laughs at his own theatrics.

Alright, where to start? Maybe he'll just explain the stuff he told her earlier was wrong.] So, my name is Garfield Logan, you were right about that much, and my mom is-- was Marie Logan. I never knew my dad though, I think he left before I was born.

As for the green, that's my sister's doing. There was an attack on my mom's animal sanctuary this one time when the Team was there, and I got hurt. I needed a blood transfusion but none of the humans around were a match. Sis though, she's Martian; a shapeshifter. She shifted her blood to match mine so she could help me. [He smiles fondly on the memory, despite the pain he was in at that time.]

Turns out Martian blood can turn you green. And give you some pretty cool powers. [His wiggles he monkey tail behind his head for emphasis.]

You're part-martian.

[she can't help it. she laughs. that's so far off from what she thought was going on with him that it's hilarious! amazing. at least she sounds happy.]

You couldn't make that up. Wow. You really are different from the Gar I used to know. [she smiles.] Not in a bad way. I guess that kind of makes it easier to trust you. I don't have to worry about you running to anybody who might actually know what you're talking about.

[which would blow her cover, yeah, but it would also be super uncool. a thought strikes her, though, and she tries to stay jokey but her next sentence has a grave edge behind it.]

As long as your sister doesn't casually read your mind.

[Hearing Tara laugh puts a toothy grin on Gar's face. Laughter is such a good sound. Especially considering how detached she sounded earlier.]

Part-Martian. [He confirms with a prideful nod.]

No worries. M'gann doesn't read my mind unless I ask her to, or we're using her mind-link for missions. If I don't bring it up--and I won't--she won't know.

[Having picked up on her legitimate concern however, he adds with a similar serious edge masked in humour:] Your secrets are safe with me.

[yeah, she's heard that before. no, she's... she was younger and dumber when that happened. she knows now that her Gar wasn't the one who told Robin. nobody told Robin. he's the protege of the world's greatest detective, and when she was Terra she was even worse at hiding things than she is now—and look at what she's said tonight; she's not exactly good at it now.]

[so for now, she feels like she can trust Gar. that feels nice. it's not something she's felt with a superhero for a while.]

Good. Thank you. I... kind of have problems trusting people. I mean, you probably figured that one out already, though. There are a lot of things I've done that I don't want getting out. Not even to your roommate, because I know you guys talk. I mean, he's the one who let me know you were crushing on me.

[she'll at least let Gar have some of his dignity there. it had been clearer than almost anything else from the second she started talking to him that he had a thing for her, but why come out and say it?]

I get it. --well, I don't get it get it. I don't really have stuff like that but... I understand. I guess that's what I'm really trying to say. So yeah, you're welcome.

[It's probably better that some of her past stays under wraps with the rest of the Team anyways. Perhaps especially with the roommate in question. Somehow he feels that Wally would not take well at all to the whole killing thing.]

[Thinking a moment on Wally though, and his COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY COMMENTARY TO TARA, Gar frowns. Some dignity may have remained intact, but a good bit of it still took a beating.]

KF is the worst.

[Presented without context or explanation.]

[none needed, honestly.]

Yeah, I feel that. He tried to convince me to be a superhero again in, like, the first conversation I ever had with him. Just kind of barreled right into that without even asking. Obviously I said no. He doesn't know half of what's going on with me.

[neither does Gar, now that she thinks about it. but that's kind of by design. anyone who could possibly force her down that path again will never know her entire story.]

[Oh man Wally. U fuked up.]

Sorry about that. He just kinda thinks that 'cause he loves being a hero, everyone else will love it too, y'know? He means well. I'm pretty sure.

[He thinks about offering to tell Wally off, but she probably doesn't want that. It would raise questions that she's already expressed not wanting to answer.]

Trust me, I know the feeling. It's... kind of how my Gar got me into it, honestly. He showed me that it could be a lot of fun being a superhero and just hanging out with other kids like me.

[she doesn't sound happy about it. she hasn't really sounded happy about her Gar for a while.]

They don't tell you about what happens when things go wrong when they're selling it to you. The good times aren't worth putting myself at risk like that again.

[He understands why it's left out though.] Yeah, "possible death" isn't exactly a ringing endorsement.

Maybe the hero pitch should be done like a drug commercial, "Side effects may include..." and then they've gotta list all the awful stuff that can happen as fast if you start hero'ing. [He kind of wishes he'd gotten a pitch like that too, actually. Maybe it could have prepared him for loosing three of his teammates.]

...I'll still take it. I guess for me the good just outweighs the bad.

Yeah, that's not a surprise. My Gar always did like the good stuff. Nothing but mopeds, pizza, and video games, 24/7.

[this is the closest she's come to sound happy about Gar since the conversation started, speaking of.]

As long as nobody tries to convert me back to it and I'm the person revealing my reasons when I say it's okay, I can get along with most of you guys. I mean, Power Girl was already pretty convincing. [she smirks; at least she doesn't seem too sore.] I guess you superhero types aren't so bad.

Aren't so bad? C'mon, we literately do good! [He says that only for the "do good" joke though, he's just happy to hear she's not totally sour on heroes.]

I solemnly swear I've never try to convert you.

[And just for good measure he gives the Scout salute.]

i don't know why, i just feel i'm better off

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